“Hey,” she says weakly, walking slowly into the room and taking a seat.
“Where’s Abbi?” I ask her. She hasn’t asked me to watch Abbi at all recently. Once so she could run an errand real quick. But she’s been by her side and doing everything on her own. In a way, it hurts. I love being there for Abbi and for her, but I think it’s doing her good to be with Abbi.
“She’s still napping,” she replies, but she sounds distant. “You know, when I look at her, I see Chris.” Her voice chokes some, but she carries on without tears. “At first, it was hard to even look at her. She was just a reminder of him, everything was. Every little thing was just a reminder of Chris and the fact that he was gone and never coming back.”
I wrap my arm around her shoulder and hold her close to me.
“I know it hurts. I’m so sorry, Haley.” She lays her head on my shoulder.
“You were right, Hunter. I was trying to numb the pain, but it was only making it worse for me.” She wipes at the one stray tear and pulls away from me. “Thank you.” She looks me in the eyes. “Thank you, Hunter.”
It takes a moment until I can find the words to say. “It’s gonna be alright. It will be, one day.”
“I know,” she answers and then looks at me. “You’ve gotta move on from what happened with Chris, too,” she tells me softly, taking my hand in hers.
“It’s different between you and me with Chris,” I say. I feel the pain growing in my chest and squeezing my heart, but I take a deep breath and will it away. “I’m guilty in a way.”
Haley’s shaking her head before I’m even finished talking. “Nah, you don’t understand, Haley.” I have to tell her. “I was supposed to be there.” I have a hard time telling her what I’ve been wanting to say for so long.
“If I hadn’t been back on base, I could’ve done something. I could’ve tried to save them. I would’ve seen them coming at least.”
I look into Haley’s eyes with the flashes of war playing before my own. I can’t stop it. I can’t not see it.
We’re quiet for a moment and then she says, “There are so many ifs in life. You can’t do that to yourself, Hunter.”
I nod my head, knowing that what she’s saying is true. And I’ve been trying, Lord knows I have.
“You know, I told him I was fine with him going on another tour?” She gets all teary-eyed. “If I hadn’t...” her voice breaks.
“No, no,” I say and hold her closer as she tries to stop from crying.
“I’m sorry,” she says as though it’s not alright for her to cry.
“Cry all you want.” I kiss the top of her head. “It’s alright, Haley. It’s gonna be alright. It’s not your fault.”
After a moment she pulls herself together and sighs deeply. “It’s not your fault either.”
I let her words resonate with me.
She stares off and says, “I just loved him so much.” She looks at me and says, “It hurts to think I’ll never be able to tell him that again.”
“I know.”
She wipes under her eyes and shakes her head, sighing.
“Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you.”
I give her a small, sad smile and say, “You know I love you, sis.”
She huffs before replying, “Sometimes I love you, too.”
I huff a small laugh.
“So what about you?” she asks. “How are things with Violet?” It’s obvious that she wants to change the subject. I just wish it was to something else.
I look at her with a raised brow, but she just smiles weakly and says, “You know people talk.”
I huff and lean back, not liking where things are with us.
“She’s not alright. She says she doesn’t want me. Which I think one day I could learn to live with. But she’s hurting so bad, Haley. And she doesn’t want to see me.”
Haley suggests, “Maybe she just needs some time.”
“I don’t think she should be alone right now,” I say. I don’t think she wants to be alone either. She just thinks she deserves to be.
“Then go to her,” Haley says.
CHAPTER 23
VIOLET
I’m standing on the porch of my parents’… of my dad’s house. I spent the last week in mourning, hiding out from the world. Crying, or sitting in my apartment and staring at things while trying not to cry.
Mostly I just wanted to stay out of my dad’s hair. He’s been wandering through the house, touching things that were my mama’s. I couldn’t stand to watch him, so I made myself scarce.
Today is the last day that I have nothing scheduled. I stopped by my parents’… my dad’s… house to sort out the recycling, something that I know my father can’t be bothered to do. It’s something that mattered to my mama, though.
So now I’m standing outside, sorting through plastic bottles and aluminum cans. My mama used to save all the recycling up until it overflowed the bins, so now the recycling is all here, waiting for me.
It’s quiet, except for the cans clinking. A couple of people have come up to give me their condolences, like ancient Miss Juniper from down the street. She pushed her walker all the way over to my house to tell me she was sorry about my mom, and that she was a very nice person.
I just said thanks, and stared at the ground while she smiled and patted my hand. She’s a sweet old lady and it was kind of her to come to me, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what they want from me. I waited until she hobbled away again, then started stacking some of the aluminum cans in the can crusher.
My fingertips tremble as I stack them. I’m barely able to grapple with the idea of my mama being gone. I keep thinking I’ll turn around and she'll be right there, leaning against the doorway, asking if I want a sandwich.
I don’t turn to look, though. I force my mind away from those thoughts. They aren’t helping anything.
I look up from stacking cans to find Hunter’s dad, Milton Graves, walking up the driveway. I clench my fist around a can.
I haven’t seen or spoken to Hunter since the funeral. I’ve seen his texts though. They make me weak. I want to tell him yes, I need him. I want to get lost in his embrace, but I can’t… if I did, there’s no way I’d be able to let him go. And I know he could leave me. It would ruin me.
Late at night when I want to talk to mama, I talk to her about him. I wonder what she’d think about me going to him and giving in to the feelings that I have for him.
One of the last things she told me was to follow my heart.
Right now it’s pulling me in two directions, and I don’t know which to run toward. I feel like I should be in pain. And that I should hang onto it. Hunter would ease it, but for how long, I don’t know. And he could cause me more pain. If he did, I don’t know how I could possibly survive.
I’m too raw and fragile and I don’t know that I trust him.
“Violet, how are you?” Mr. Graves says to me, stirring me from my thoughts.
His face is worn, but he looks just like Hunter. Or I suppose Hunter looks just like him.
“I’m alright, thank you,” I say softly, moving the crushed cans and trying my best not to break down again.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” he says and it causes me to focus back on him.
“Thank you,” I tell him just like I’ve told everyone else.
He starts to walk past me, but then he stops and he turns to me. “You know,” he starts to say and then shoves his hands in his pockets, “I remember when I lost my father. It was Vietnam.”
I watch the old man talk. I’ve never said more than a few words to Mr. Graves. Not even when Hunter would bring me home for dinner. I’m surprised he’s talking to me now.
“I’m sorry,” I say the words softly. He doesn’t acknowledge them, he’s looking past me and down the street.
“Messed me up pretty good to lose him. My mother even more. I was young, and I remember him, but not much,” he says, then scratches his face and his brows furrow. “My mom of course, she was
n’t too well after that. Didn’t live much longer either.”
My lips part and I try to say something, but I can’t. I don’t know what to say, other than that I’m sorry.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know it hurts,” he says and finally looks at me, the same hard expression he always has, still on his face, “but time heals a lot of things.”
He nods his head and doesn’t wait for a response before heading inside and leaving me alone to think on what he said.
I look down at the plastic bottles and metal cans and toss the one in my hand down, not caring really where it lands.
“Violet,” my body jolts as Mr. Graves' voice comes out of nowhere and scares the shit out of me. I put my hand over my racing heart.
“Sorry,” he says, his forehead scrunched. “I just… I owe you an apology.”
The old man surprises me again. I stand there shaking my head. He hasn’t done anything wrong.
“I thought I was doing you a favor. I swear I did.” He pauses and looks at the front door before looking back at me to say, “I didn’t know I was splitting up something real.”
CHAPTER 24
HUNTER
Sweet Treats Bakery is sitting in front of me. I’ve been sitting in this truck, trying to get my ass out and moving. I was on my way to the garage, but I saw Violet’s light on. She’s home. It’s the first time I passed the bakery and saw that she was home.
I pulled in without thinking twice, but I haven’t gotten out yet. The keys are in my hands, but I wish they were sunflowers. I wish I had something for her. But I don’t.
I have to try though. I’ll never stop trying.
I get out of the truck and take large strides over to the side of her building where her door to the apartment is.
There’s a doorbell, but I don’t see it until I’m knocking my fist against the door.
I wait there, shoving my hands in my pockets and watching my breath turn to fog in the air. It’s cold, winter’s approaching. I take a step back and look up, the soft yellow light illuminating the windows on the second floor. She’s home, and awake I’d imagine.
I take a deep breath and step forward to push the doorbell, but before I do, the door opens.
Vi’s standing there in those penguin pajama pants and that same soft cream sweater I first saw her in when I came back.
Her hair’s a mess and she looks tired and worn, but never more beautiful in all the times I’ve laid eyes on her.
“Hunter,” she says my name softly and leans against the door for a second before seeming to snap out of it and push the door open wider. “You wanna come in?” she asks.
Her demeanor is different, like there’s no fight left in her. I’m happy she’s letting me in, but she’s not alright and that’s all I can see right now.
“Yeah,” I say and walk in and shut the door behind me in silence.
She takes a few steps up the stairs before turning around for just a second to ask me, “You want something to drink?”
She’s just going through the motions, I think. I don’t answer her, I just stare up, watching her walk up the stairs until she pauses, realizing I’m not following her and she turns to look at me.
She grips the railing and looks down at her hands and then back at me. “You coming up?”
“Yeah,” I answer softly and make my way up behind her. She doesn’t move until my body’s close to hers and then she reaches for my hand.
I clasp her hand in mine on the narrow stairway and follow her up to the little apartment. I’ve never been up here. The door opens to her kitchen.
She releases my hand and walks to the cupboard, standing on her tiptoes to reach a mug.
“I hope I didn’t wake you,” I say, taking a seat at a tiny table across the kitchen. This place is small, but it’s spotless, not a thing out of place. I wonder if that’s what she’s been doing, busying herself to keep her mind off things. “I know it’s late.”
She shakes her head, filling the mug with water and then putting it in the microwave. The beeps seem loud as she punches in the time.
“No, I was up.” She finally looks back at me and I see the dark circles under her eyes. “It’s been hard to sleep, you know?”
“Yeah,” I say and hold her gaze. “I know it’s gotta be really hard for you right now, Vi.”
I almost cringe at the use of Vi. She’s told me so many times not to use it, and I don’t wanna make her angry. I don’t wanna upset her when she’s finally letting me in. But she doesn’t react.
“It really is.” She nods her head. “It’s been really hard,” her voice wavers some, but she leans back against the counter and calms herself. My fingers itch to reach out and touch her, but I stay in my seat, not wanting to ruin the little bit she’s giving me.
“One of the last things she told me was to follow my heart.” She talks while watching the numbers on the microwave count down for her tea. She noticeably swallows and reaches for the door before the microwave hits 0:00 and can beep.
“Your mama was a sweet lady, smart, too. She liked to yell at me some, but that’s okay.”
She smiles and laughs a little as she sets the mug on the counter and dips her tea bag in the hot water.
“You wanna talk about it?” I ask her, leaning forward some in my seat.
She shakes her head and picks up her mug with both hands, turning to face me but keeping her eyes on the mug. She brings it to her lips, leaning against the counter, but doesn’t drink it. Instead she blows softly and finally meets my gaze. “I don’t think I wanna talk.”
I nod my head and say, “I get that.” She takes a small sip and then another. “I’m here for you, Vi,” and this time when I say her nickname, I say it deliberately. “Whatever you need, I’m here.”
“I don’t know what I need, though.” Her words are practically whispers.
“You don’t have to know, just feel.”
She gives me a soft smile. “I know what I feel, Hunter,” she replies as her eyes heat and her voice turns husky.
She sets the mug on the counter and stalks over to me. I’m taken aback as her small hands push against my chest and she crushes her lips to mine with a primal need, climbing into my lap. My heart beats faster as her warm curves fall into my arms and she moans into my mouth.
“Hunter,” she breathes my name, breaking our kiss.
Her breasts press against my chest and I lose control, my dick instantly hardening, begging to be inside her warmth.
My hands cup her ass and then travel up her back, under her sweater.
“Vi,” I say her name reverently. My eyes open as my body heats and I pull away from her slightly. Her eyes are closed and she leans forward for more, her nails softly scraping down the back of my neck. I don’t give her more though. “Vi,” I say, pulling back from the kiss. She opens her eyes with a look of vulnerability.
“Are you sure?” I ask her. I know she’s hurting, and I don’t want her to regret this. It’ll kill me if she ever looks back and regrets what’s between us.
She stares deep into my eyes. “I’m sure.” She pauses for a moment and then adds, “I love you, Hunter,” she says confidently, her hand running through my hair. My grip on her tightens, and I almost don’t believe the words. “I’ll love you all my life,” she says as her voice goes soft and I can hear her vulnerability. “Please don’t hurt me. I don’t think I can take it again. My heart can’t take it.”
“Vi,” I say and my voice is pained. I take her head in my hands and kiss her with every bit of passion I have. I pull back, breathing into the hot air between us, “Never again. I promise you. I love you, and I always will.”
I stare into her blue eyes, and she stares into mine. She gives me a sad smile and leans in for a sweet kiss. It makes me feel weak. It makes my chest tighten with pain.
“Tell me you believe me,” I say.
“I do, Hunter. I believe you.” I can hear the sincerity in her voice.
“I love you, Vi
,” I say and crash my lips to hers and pull her into me so her chest is forced closer to mine. She moans into my mouth and lets her hands grip onto my back.
My heart hammers in my chest. Her warmth surrounds me.
“Please,” she says in a pained voice.
“Please what?” I ask her breathlessly.
“Take it all away, Hunter,” she says and sounds so weak as she opens her eyes. “Please,” she whispers.
I crush my lips to hers and grip her ass in my hands as I move us to the floor. I know what she needs. I’ll take all the pain away. I’ll get lost in her love, and she’ll be lost in my touch.
Her hands tear at my shirt, desperate to get it off. I pull it over my shoulders and toss it to the floor. She does the same with her sweater as I pull her bottoms off with her panties and shove my own pants down while on my knees. We’re frantic and frenzied to get undressed. As I step out of my pants and kick them off behind me, I look down at her and see the girl I was in love with long ago.
Only now she’s different.
The youthfulness is gone, replaced with the body of a woman.
I’m mesmerized by the subtle changes. My fingers linger over her soft skin. Her breathing slows and vulnerability is visible on her face. I’m quick to alleviate it.
“You’re so beautiful,” I whisper. Her face softens, and the trace of a smile shows before she reaches up, cupping the back of my head and pulling me down to her for a kiss.
Our tongues mix in a heated dance as my hands slowly move down her sides and over her hips. I spread her legs for me as my tongue massages strong strokes against hers. When I cup her pussy, she’s so fucking wet I have to groan into her mouth with wonder.
It’s the last straw in my ability to control myself.
I line my dick up and slam into her tight heat, buried to the hilt. She gasps, breaking our kiss and arching her neck so her head is facing away from me. She’s so tight. Fuck! So fucking tight. Her pussy strangles my dick, and I wait for her to get accustomed to my size.
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