“He’s here!” Sandra calls out from somewhere downstairs. She sounds giddy and excited. It’s kind of cute to see her so worked up over this guy.
The front door opens as I walk back down the stairs, my hand gripping the railing. My steps slow as I watch Tony come in. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. But what’s better is that he smiles when he sees Sandra.
That makes me really happy and I can’t deny the smile creeping up on my face. There’s a joy reflected between the two of them that warms my heart. She squeals and runs down the hall as he kicks off his boots, dusted with snow.
“Hey, baby,” he says as he wraps his arms around her waist. She holds onto his shoulders as he leans her back slightly and kisses her. I nearly roll my eyes, but that’s just the jealousy in me thinking, get a room!
“Hey, yourself,” she answers playfully. She smiles back with a blush on her cheeks, pulling away and looking at me for a split second.
I feel like such a third wheel.
“Em, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Tony.” She twirls back and forth a little on her heels, still holding his hand. “Tony, this is my baby sister, Emma.”
I walk down the rest of the steps and toward him with a smile.
“Hey, nice to meet you,” he says as he shakes my hand. It’s a firm shake, and his large hand makes mine feel small. I definitely approve.
He seems kinda familiar. It’s not a small town, but maybe we went to high school together. I rack my brain, but come up with nothing.
The front door clicking shut pulls my attention away from the happy couple.
I suck in a breath and freeze in my spot. My stomach drops as I stare with wide eyes at the person standing in front of the door. My heart slows, and my body heats.
No fucking way.
Derek Wade.
“Em, this is Derek, Tony’s friend,” Sandra says absently. I can’t respond. Derek. I swallow thickly, remembering how we last left. We didn’t even say goodbye to each other. My heart beats slower and slower, and blood rushes into my ears. This is a fucking nightmare. I feel so awkward. I have the urge to just turn around, run upstairs and hide. But I don’t want to, I never wanted to run away from him.
He’s just standing there, casually shrugging his coat off his shoulders as if there’s no tension, nothing there between us.
He's acting like I'm no one special, so maybe he doesn't remember me. The thought makes my throat dry and close.
For me… he was my first love. I can’t deny that. Even if we were a secret.
Even if the words were never said. I wasn’t brave enough to tell him, but I know what I felt for him was love.
I struggle to breathe as Derek walks closer to me.
I can feel my cheeks flaming, and I hope it’s not obvious.
No one knew back then. I never told a soul. It was a secret. Even if we never called it that, we both knew what it was. We snuck around, fooled around. I almost gave him everything… I wanted to give him everything. I was just waiting for him to pull the trigger and make things official. But he never did.
I wish I could look away, but I can’t. His pale blue eyes are piercing into me, holding me in place. They used to mesmerize me back then, but now they feel colder.
The heat between us is still there though. All of the feelings and memories from high school come pouring back into my mind. The nervousness, the excitement, the bliss when he first talked to me. Then the heartbreak, and rejection when it ended. God, I feel so naive. So young. So lost.
He's even more gorgeous now than he was back then.
He sure as fuck isn’t a boy anymore. His shoulders are broader, stretching the Henley tight across his chest. His arms are so much thicker, corded with muscle. He’s still tall, making me feel so small beneath him. I love it though, just as I always have. He makes me feel protected.
It’s odd because he radiates a confidence and power that would cause fear if I didn’t know him. But even after all these years, I feel as if I do know him. And he doesn’t scare me one bit.
“Derek, this is my sister, Emma.”
“Hi, Emma,” Derek says coolly. It hurts that he’s just pretending he hasn’t met me before. My heart does a flip, but the wrong fucking kind. The kind where it buckles and lands hard in my chest. The kind that hurts.
Whatever. I guess that’s what I get for leaving him. I swallow the lump in my throat, squaring my shoulders.
Once I found out he was dealing, I just didn’t want to be caught up in that. He always kept everything private. I couldn’t unsee it though. Maybe it was judgmental. Maybe I was too much of a goody two-shoes. But I was falling hard for him, and I was scared that if I didn’t leave at that point, then I’d never leave. I knew better.
My mouth is so dry. Get a grip, Emma! He's just a guy you had a thing with in high school. So what if he was my first kiss, stolen in the back of his car after school? So what if I felt more for him than I’ve ever felt before?
It's over now.
You've moved on, and he's moved on. I take a deep breath, straightening my back.
“Hi, Derek.” I finally look away, not knowing how to play this.
There’s only one thing I know for sure.
I’m lying to myself about moving on.
CHAPTER 2
Derek
* * *
A few moments before
* * *
I’M PISSED that Tony’s so fucking insistent I get out of the house tonight. He knows I wanna be home.
I don’t do the party scene. I never have. I’m not interested in mingling with clients. I’ve always treated this as a business. That’s all it is to me, and it fucking pays me like an empire should.
That’s what this is now, an empire and moneymaker. I went from a kid dealing dope, to a boss producing the best weed there is and streamlining the business.
I’m only in it for the money though, and it’s getting old. I have more than enough at this point, and I don’t have my heart for it like Tony does.
The cold winter wind whips across my face as Tony knocks his boots against the front step of his girlfriend’s place. The bitter bite of the wind makes me close my eyes and turn my head slightly. The knock, knock, knock of his boots is the only thing I can hear. We just left the last client, who’s a big spender, but that didn’t change a damn thing. I don’t mingle. This is business only for me.
A part of me hates him for pushing me to come out, but another part is just grateful to have someone like him in my life.
He just wants me out of the house. I love him like a brother, and that’s the only reason I’m here.
He’s been my best friend since I could remember. We grew up next door to each other and without him, I don’t know where I would be now. Probably…definitely… six feet under the cold, heavy dirt.
With the shit we’ve gotten into over the years, I know I can trust him. He’s the only one I can trust.
He opens the front door, and I’m slow to follow him in. I don’t take orders from him. I should just head home. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to face what’s waiting for me back there. I let out a heavy sigh and kick my boots once on the step. Stalling to go in.
It makes me feel like shit just thinking that. But it’s the truth.
I hear a faint female voice from inside, and I suck it up. It’s just one night.
The second I’m inside, the tiny bit of hate I have for Tony grows exponentially.
Maybe he didn’t know. No one really knew back then.
But my Emma, my sweetheart, is standing right fucking there. It takes me a second to really believe it. I’m frozen in place, my body tingling with recognition.
I swallow, and the sounds of everything around me seem so fucking loud. I have to force myself to breathe and get myself together.
I hold my breath as I shut the door and act like I’m not affected.
I don’t look at her, but my heart's trying to climb up my throat and get the fuck out.
Emma Flet
cher.
Her sweetheart-shaped face and soft beauty have always stayed with me. She’s a girl I knew I could never have back then. I hid the real me from her. I didn’t let her know what I did, and the life I led. She was my secret.
She only gave me a taste and I was fine with that. When things were the hardest they’d ever been in my life, I got lost in her. I fucking loved it. I lived for those stolen moments.
Until it all went to shit.
The last time I saw her was at her high school graduation. I don’t even know why I went. I graduated a year before her. I had a drop-off out front, some kids looking to party after the ceremony. But the reason I went in? I have to admit it’s because I knew she’d be inside. I hadn’t seen her in so long. I just wanted a glimpse of her.
I don’t know if she saw me, but I sure as fuck saw her. She sat in the third row. All the way at the end. She stared straight ahead, never turned toward me, never spared me a glance.
I knew then that if I didn’t say anything to her, I’d probably never see her again. She was off to college, that much I was sure of. She was always smart, and she had a future ahead of her.
And where was I going? Nowhere fast.
I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to grab her by her waist and pull her into my arms before she walked out of that door. But watching her father and mother walk up to her, her sister clapping her hands and hugging her...
It all only emphasized how different we were. How we weren’t meant to be together.
I let her walk away from me that day without fighting it.
I felt regret for weeks; maybe months, I don’t know. It’s hard to remember with four years between now and then.
But I know for a fact I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. Never.
And now she’s standing right in front of me.
“Em, this is Derek, Tony’s friend,” Tony’s girlfriend says, and I finally shrug my jacket off and face Emma.
God damn it’s hard to act like I’m not shaken up in the least. “Derek, this is my sister, Emma.”
I can tell she’s conflicted. She doesn’t know what to say, or how to act. I ignore the pain in my chest.
“Hi, Emma,” I push the words out.
“Hi, Derek,” she says so softly, I almost don’t hear her.
I have to clench my jaw at the sound of my name on her lips. She practically whispers it. The moment my name slips from those beautiful lips, she’s turning and heading for another room.
My heart feels so fucking heavy. My body’s tense. I immediately regret handling it that way. Fuck. There’s no protocol for this shit.
“Emma!” her sister shouts after her. Sandra… That’s right. I remember Sandra.
Everything starts clicking into place as I start to take off my boots and leave them on the front mat.
Sandra’s my age. Same as Tony. And she’s from our high school.
Fuck, I shoulda known that’s who Tony was seeing. I remember her now. She didn’t really run in our circles back then. She was in our grade though, and Emma’s a year younger. I run my hand over my face. Damn, I wish I’d been prepared for this.
“You good, bro?” Tony asks me like this is fucking funny.
I hold in the heavy sigh of agitation and nod once. “Yeah,” I answer him simply. My heart pounds faster in my chest as I say, “Let me take my boots off.” He looks back at me and nods with a smirk as he follows Sandra into the room that Emma took off into.
I can barely hear them talking. The blood rushing in my ears is too fucking loud to hear clearly. But a moment later there’s laughter, and I feel like I can breathe.
Between the three of them, I can make out Emma’s voice the easiest. So sweet and soft, the best sound in the world, but she’s nervous. I take a look back behind me at the simple white colonial door and think about just leaving.
Some part of me is screaming inwardly to get the fuck out of here. This isn’t good. Not because of her, but because of me. I’m no good for her. I’m not good for anyone.
But I fucking want her. And she’s never been able to tell me no.
I ignore the part of me that’s desperate to keep the promise I made to myself the day she walked away. I remember it like it was yesterday.
I take in a slow and steady breath as the vision of her looking back at me over her shoulder, walking away and not saying a damn word, silently ending it with me, pops into my head. On that day I just lowered my gaze to the cafeteria table and let her walk off.
I had to grip the table to keep from getting up and chasing her down, demanding she tell me why, even though I already knew.
I promised myself that day that she deserved better, and I’d let her save herself.
But right here, right now? Fuck that.
I crack my neck and decide right then that she’s mine. My feet walk of their own accord, taking steady strides into the room. I let her walk away once. But that’s not gonna happen again.
I stop short when I get into the room.
Tony’s already got a blunt going and is passing it to Sandra. The two of them are cuddled up on the white leather sofa on the right side of the room. My girl is across from them on the far end of the loveseat, closest to the fireplace, pretending like she’s watching TV as she bites her thumbnail.
I guess she never quit that nervous habit. She looks so damn tired, like she used to look late at night when she’d beg me not to take her home. “Just a few more minutes,” she’d plead with me. The thought brings a soft smile to my lips. She’s still fucking beautiful. Just more of a woman now.
I take a seat on the other end of the loveseat, getting as comfortable as possible and glance at the television. My brow furrows when I see it’s some chick show on Bravo.
What’s this shit? Is this what Tony does on his time off?
I look over at him, trying to keep the judgment off my face. I thought he was pussy whipped before, but now I know it for a fact.
I clear my throat, but I don’t say anything even though I can feel Tony’s eyes on me as he laughs a little. Sandra leans into him, wrapping her hands around his forearm and whispering in his ear.
I lean forward and tap Emma to get her attention, but Tony speaks up before I can say anything. “So how long are you in town?” Tony asks Emma. She looks back at me for just a split second and then at Tony and answers him, “Five weeks.”
“What are you in town for?” I ask her. I can see her breath hitch, and she slowly turns to answer me.
“Just winter break... from school.” Her gorgeous hazel eyes reach mine for a moment before she tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. Just hearing her voice takes me back.
I nod my head and shift in my seat a little as Sandra speaks up, her eyes already a little red from the joint she’s passing between her and Tony. “Emma’s in school for child psychology at Johns Hopkins.”
“That’s cool,” I answer easily, although in my head I’m trying to think how far away that is. Fuck, that’s hours away.
“I just have one semester left,” Emma says softly, her voice trailing off before she clears her throat and looks away again. Is she embarrassed? I open my mouth to ask her what she’s thinking, but her sister butts in.
I’m trying not to get irritated, but I just want a moment alone with Emma.
“Oh! And she has this really cool job working with kids at a local middle and high school,” Sandra says with pride, but it only makes Emma blush more furiously.
“You’re working with high school kids?” I ask her.
“Yeah, the bad ones,” she says a little playfully, and it makes Tony laugh from across the room.
That’s my sweetheart. Loosen up for me, baby.
I nod my head slowly as I ask, “Did you always wanna do that?” I don’t know why I ask her. The question just slips out.
“She’s always been super smart,” Sandra says before accepting the blunt from Tony and leaning in for a kiss.
I know she has. I know my girl. It makes me proud
that she's going to school for something like psychology and working with kids.
The room’s quiet for a minute as I stare at her, waiting for more, but she’s not giving me anything.
Emma tenses somewhat, but she doesn’t move. She’s waiting on me. I guess that’s fair. She made the first move all those years ago.
She’s gonna have to wait though. I just wanna soak her in and watch her. She needs to relax.
Tony passes me a blunt, leaning forward but not getting his ass off the sofa. I light up, sucking in a deep breath and lean back. The flow of the smoke feels good as it fills my lungs.
Just taking that first puff, not even that, just feeling the blunt on my lips and smelling the Lemon OG Kush is already easing some of the tension. Only a bit though. I won’t feel better until I can figure out what’s on Emma’s mind.
Sandra nudges Tony and not-so-subtly gestures at the loveseat Emma and I are seated on. The two of them are smiling, and I know right then this was definitely a setup.
I just don’t know which of the two of them initiated it, and whether or not they have any idea of our past. I never told anyone. If Emma told Sandra, and she’s setting us up… that’s gotta be a good sign.
“We’re gonna go upstairs,” Sandra says a little louder than she needs to, standing up and stretching.
Tony leaves the bag of weed on the end table.
“What?” Emma asks with a hint of desperation in her voice. I chuckle at the disbelief in her voice. They’re leaving you with me, sweetheart.
“See ya!” Sandra calls out as she practically jogs out of the room. Tony gives me a nod on his way out, looking at me for my reaction. The car keys are in his hand, but I don’t reach for them. We always take my car when we meet clients, but Tony likes to drive. I don't mind it. I settle back in my seat and return his nod.
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