“You better be careful, Tony,” I tell him slowly, finally facing him again. My voice is gruff. It almost cracks. I almost looked weak in front of him. I’ve never thought of him as an enemy, but right now, that’s exactly what he looks like to me. He throws his hands up in defense. Again he has the nerve to look me in the eyes. “I’m just telling you what she said.” He shakes his head somewhat, but there’s a look in his eyes I don’t trust. “I just wanted you to know.”
“I know.” My voice gets louder and I can’t help it, but my emotions are taking over. I hold onto the anger more than anything else. That’s the one I can handle.
I push back the sense of betrayal I feel over her for wanting to end it. For not trying. For being willing to leave me. I can’t take it. My voice cracks this time, but I don’t care as I say, “She’s gonna fight this.” My fist slams against the desk. “She’s going to beat this.” I feel unhinged, like a beast trapped in a cage, trying desperately to get out. Fighting just to live. Fighting for her to live.
“I hear you, Derek.” His voice is shaky, and his eyes glass over. “You know she’s my Ma, too.” The only thing that saves him right now is that he’s getting emotional. I stare at him for a long time without speaking, just breathing, trying to keep myself restrained. I hate that he even brought it up. What’s worse is I hate that it’s true. I don’t doubt him for a second. I’m sure she asked him for it.
“What’d you tell her?” I ask him.
“I told her I’d ask you.” This time he doesn’t look at me. He keeps his eyes trained on the pile of papers on my desk. His voice is low and full of pain. “She shouldn’t have to live like this.” I glare at him, willing him to look me in the eye, and give him a deadly look. “It’s spreading.” Although his voice is quiet, the words slam against me as though he screamed them.
“Shut up, Tony.” I get out of my chair so fast that it rolls back and it hits the wall hard behind me. I tower over him and shout, “Get out!” I stare at him, willing him to leave before I lose my shit and beat the piss out of him.
He gets up without a word. The only sound in the room is the scraping of the chair legs against the wooden floor.
I’m breathing heavy as he opens the door and then slams it behind him.
I spend thousands of dollars a month. I’ll spend thousands more. Whatever it takes, I’ll pay them. That’s worked for years. It’s what fueled my desire to rise to the top. It’s the only thing I’ve worked for. The only reason I took this path back then. I needed the cash. I needed to help her. She still needs me, but what else do I have to give her?
All the money in the world, and it can’t save her.
What good is it? What good is any of it?
I grip the desk to keep myself standing upright, my chest heaving with each breath. My eyes fall on the picture. The one of me and Emma, in the frame Ma gave me. I instantly reach for my phone and call her.
I need my sweetheart. I need her to take this pain away.
CHAPTER 13
Emma
I’ve spent the last few days with Derek, as in barely leaving his sight; he only left this morning because he had to. Something’s wrong, but he won’t tell me what. I’ve seen his mom, and she isn’t telling me anything either.
Other than my paranoia, things are falling back into place, just like when we were back in high school except it isn’t a secret anymore. We spend most of our days tangled up together, but the same problems that ripped us apart are staring straight back at me. I don’t want to fall for him only to wind up brokenhearted. I can't handle going through what I went through last time, because it will be so much worse this time.
I slowly walk down the stairs after taking a long, hot shower. I’m not in a rush to do anything.
The clinking of dishes tells me Sandra’s in the kitchen.
I walk unhurriedly to her, my fingers trailing along the wall as I stare at the faded designs in the paisley runner that lines the hallway.
Sandra looks over her shoulder as I enter the kitchen. “Hey chica,” she says with a smile and returns to the dirty dishes and suds.
“Hey,” I say listlessly. I grab a bottle of water from the stainless steel fridge and sit down at the kitchen table in the corner, playing with the plastic cap. “What does Tony do?” I ask her.
“He’s employed by Derek.” She turns her head to talk while she's scrubbing a frying pan. “Technically it's Wade LLC. Or something like that. I'm not really sure.” And with that, she turns back to the sink. As if knowing a company's name is all that matters.
“But what does he do?” I pry. I need to know if she knows about all of Derek’s businesses. Specifically the one that’s making me freak out. I try to take a sip of water, but I don’t want it. I set it back down on the table and pick up the cap, rolling it between my fingers.
“I don't know. Do you know what he does?” she challenges. She drops the frying pan she just washed into the dish drainer a little harder than necessary. My eyes fly to hers.
“No,” I say easily, not wanting to fight with her. “That's why I'm asking you.” I start peeling the label off my water bottle, picking at the edges slowly. I don't want to piss Sandra off, but I don't know how she handles Tony dealing, and all the dangers that come with it. No matter what Derek says, I know it’s not safe.
Sandra huffs out a deep breath. “He mostly works in the greenhouse. That's what he told me.”
“And you believe him?” He's Derek’s best friend. I can't believe that he only works in the greenhouse. I can’t see a man like Tony watering plants and picking leaves or whatever the hell they do.
Her body tenses. She turns off the water and turns around to face me, picking up a dishtowel off the counter. She's pissed off. “Yeah, of course I do. He wouldn't lie to me,” she says as she dries her hands. She leans against the dark granite countertop, facing my direction.
I stare at my water bottle, rather than her. I can feel her watching me rip my water bottle label up. This isn’t about her or Tony.
“I don’t ask questions, Emma,” she says after a long moment, breaking the silence.
“I just have to,” I confess as I turn to look at her. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I can’t just pretend anymore.
She walks over to the kitchen table and sits down next to me. Her expression softens as she finally realizes I’m not here to fight with her over her decisions. She puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently; it’s a compassionate touch, and one that I needed. “Yeah, I did, too. But the thing is… he can’t just walk away. And he’s doing the best he can. The bad things… sometimes they happen. But I don’t wanna hear about them. I don’t wanna be a part of it. You know?” she tells me, her eyes wide and pleading.
“But don’t you love him?” I don't understand how she can just turn a blind eye to what's going on.
“Of course I do,” she says sincerely.
“Then I don’t understand,” I say, shaking my head.
Exasperated, she stands up and walks back to the sink. “Just don't ask questions, Emma.”
I stare at her back as the sound of running water hits my ears, wondering how she does it. I don't think I can do it. I clean up the shredded label, throw it in the trash, and head back upstairs, my chest hurting and feeling more conflicted than I did before I approached her.
I fall onto my bed, burying my head into my pillow. What am I going to do? I'm falling for Derek. Hard. I knew I would. I was so stupid to do this. Stupid to get involved with him again.
It's going to rip me to shreds when this tears us apart. I lift my head up and stare at the grey and white area rug on top of the hardwood floor.
I don't see how it could end differently this time. Derek is still bad news. I need to focus on school and my career. I've worked so hard; I can't fuck it up now. I can’t see a future with him, not with him doing this shit.
I want one though. God help me, I want a life with him. I wish I didn’t know.
I swallow
thickly and ignore how I'm feeling. When I leave the state and go back to school, I’m sure things will change. The distance will make it easier. That’s what the real problem is. We’re like magnets drawn to one another, needing each other’s touch. We need space between us. The very thought makes me hate myself. But I can’t lie to myself anymore. He’s not good for me.
I grab my books from my Kate Spade bag that’s lying on the dresser. Sitting cross-legged on the bed, my back leaning against the headboard, I decide to bury myself in work. That’s all I’ll have when he’s gone anyway. The realization makes me feel so empty.
There are so many topics in this book that relate to him; children growing up with an abusive parent, children and teens turning to drugs to help them cope.
The back of my head bangs against the headboard.
I shove the book away and lie down. I put my hands over my eyes. They feel so cool. It's so comfortable. I turn lazily and grab the remote off the nightstand, turning on the TV. I just need to do something mindless. Turning onto my side, I put the throw pillow between my knees and cover up with the white crocheted blanket neatly folded at the end of the bed. I flick through the channels until I find the Lifetime Movie Network. There's some love story-turned-murder mystery on.
This is exactly what I need to do, just veg out and relax.
Halfway through the movie, my phone goes off. It shakes me out of a near-sleep state, and it’s then that I hear Sandra in her room. I’m not sure what she’s doing, but I stretch and let out a small yawn before leaning across the bed to grab my phone.
It's Derek.
“Hi,” I answer the phone as if nothing’s wrong. But my heart hurts. I feel like I’m betraying him. I pick at the crocheted blanket as he talks.
“Hi, sweetheart.” His voice is gravelly; he sounds upset. My stomach twists into knots. Something’s wrong. My mind immediately goes to his mom.
I sit up on the bed, concerned. My heart races in my chest. “Are you okay?”
He sighs before answering, “I'm having a rough day. I could really use a distraction.” I clench my teeth and close my eyes. He always does this. He’s not going to tell me shit. I ball the blanket in my hand and wait a moment.
When I don’t respond, he adds, “I want you to come over.”
I really should tell him no. I should start distancing myself from him. But I can't do that to him now.
He's not okay. He needs me. I throw the blanket off me and climb out of bed.
“I’ll be there soon.”
CHAPTER 14
Derek
* * *
I STARE at the TV screen in the living room. It’s playing something mindless. The soft sounds of the background music fill the room. I’m not paying any attention though. I’m just waiting for Emma.
She should be here soon. I left work early. I can’t get anything done thinking about what my Ma asked Tony about. My eyes focus on the hallway. Ma’s bedroom door is open. She’s reading her books, just like always. When I came home I had intended on asking her why she did it. Why she felt the need to go to him. Why she felt the need to give up.
But when I walked into her room, she had a sweet smile on her face. She was having a good day. She asked me to tell her something new, just like she always does.
I couldn’t ruin the moment. I don’t know how many I have left with her.
I know it’s not okay. The way I handle things isn’t healthy. Emma’s been telling me that so fucking much lately. I just try to forget my problems. At least the personal things. When it comes to work though, it’s a different story. I take everything head on. But when it comes to this, when it comes to my mother?
I’d rather just pretend that everything’s all right. It’s so much easier, so much better than thinking it’s all going to come to an end before I’m ready.
The sound of the front door opening draws my attention. Emma doesn’t even knock anymore. It’s only been a little over three weeks, but there’s a sense of ease between us, an understanding. We both know what we feel for each other. We both know the type of people we are. But just like Ma, I refuse to think of the inevitable. Emma keeps bringing it up, telling me she’s going to be leaving soon.
I don’t want her to go back to school. It’s coming way too soon. Things feel like they're on the edge of a cliff, ready to fall over and shatter. And she’s not gonna be here.
I already know I’m a selfish man. Wanting to keep her here doesn’t make me any different.
The door closes and I finally get up from my seat, hitting the button on the clicker to turn the TV off.
“Derek?” I hear Emma call out from down the hall. Her soft voice echoes off the walls. I’m sure Ma can hear it, too.
Emma’s almost at Ma’s room before I can even respond. It’s become a habit for her, to check in on my mother. And to let her know she’s here. She pauses just before the open door. I quicken my pace to meet her there.
The look on her face tells me she knows something is wrong. It’s the “we gotta talk” look. I hate that expression. She always wants to talk.
I shake my head, not wanting to let her know what’s going on. Part of me wants to open up to her about the tension between me and Tony, but I’m just not that kind of guy. I don’t say a word, my jaw clenched, as I lead her into Ma’s bedroom.
I splay my hand on her back and walk side by side with her over to Ma’s bed. I wasn’t planning on seeing Ma again tonight, but Emma would never let me hear the end of it if she didn’t at least say hello. We’ve already been through this. And I’m a pushover when it comes to her.
I clear my throat and grab my chair that’s still next to Ma’s bed. I didn’t put it back to where it goes in the corner earlier today; I guess some part of me knew I’d be back in here tonight. I pull Emma by the waist, letting her sit on my lap.
“You and those dirty books,” Emma jokes with Ma.
“You know you like them too,” my mother teases her back.
I have to laugh. “Ma, you know Emma doesn’t read those books. She’s too busy with school. She only has time to read books about ethics and stuff like that.”
Emma’s head whips around to me. “How do you know what I read?”
I look up at her with my brow furrowed. “I look at your books.” Of course I know what she reads. I wanted to know what she was up to. I wanted to know what she spends all her time doing. Not that I’m interested in reading that kind of shit, but I’m interested in what she’s interested in.
Ma pipes up, “I read an article that said women who read these kinds of books are smarter than the average woman.” Emma huffs a small laugh with a sweet smile on her lips.
Ma looks straight at me. “I know your girl is smart, Derek. That’s why I gave her a few of my favorites.” Emma and Ma laugh, but I can’t join in. I find myself just staring at Ma. It’s a rare day when happiness is so evident on her face. She’s showing it today. Like nothing’s wrong with her other than the weight loss. Emma brings this out in her. I don’t understand why Ma doesn’t fight harder. She’s been so happy, the happiest I can ever remember her being ever since Emma walked through that door. My chest pangs with sadness and guilt.
Maybe if I’d never let Emma walk away in the first place back then, maybe that would’ve made a difference.
I couldn’t give Ma the happiness she needed while I was building this business and providing for her. But it’s here now. Why has she given up now?
“I may have already read one. It only took me a few hours.” Ma laughs and smacks her thigh at Emma’s confession. The two of them go back and forth for a little while. I’m used to this now. They hit it off. Usually they’re making fun of me. Until today, I enjoyed it. I looked forward to it, even.
But as I sit here watching the two of them, I can’t even focus on what they’re saying. It’s like I'm watching in slow motion. All the sounds are muffled. I don’t know what they’re saying, but I know the way I feel. I know the way they’re making each other feel.
That’s what matters at the end of the day. That’s what memories are really made of. Emotions.
I wish I had a camera now, not because I want to remember Ma looking like this. I don’t. But I want to remember how happy she is right now.
“You all right?” It takes me a moment to realize Emma’s question is directed at me.
I clear my throat. “Yeah, I think I just need some coffee. I’ve had a headache all day,” I lie. I promised her that I wouldn’t lie to her. I promised myself too, but in this moment, I need to do it.
“Time for you two to head out. You don’t need me.” Ma picks her book back up and says, “I’m just an old lady over here with her dirty books.” She smiles. Although Ma is making it sound funny, just joking around like she usually does, it hurts me to hear her say that.
“I need ya, Ma.” That’s all I can say before I gently push Emma off my lap. She stands up easily, although she looks back at me with concern. As soon as her feet hit the ground, I’m up and out of the room. I can hear Emma as she follows me out of the room and down the hall. I feel like a little bitch as tears well up in my eyes, but I push them away. I’m not gonna cry. I’m gonna figure this out. There has to be a way. I go straight to the liquor cabinet in the kitchen. I need to chill the fuck out right now. Emma grabs my arm as the door to the whiskey flies open.
“Derek, what the hell’s wrong?” Emma’s eyes look straight into mine, pleading with me and flashing with worry. It makes me sick. All I’ve done is brought worry into her life. That’s all I’m good for.
“Tell me!” she yells at me.
I can’t lie to her even though I want to. I don’t want to admit what my mother asked. Mostly because I don’t want Emma’s opinion. I swear to God if she says the same thing that Tony says, I’m not sure I'll be able to forgive her. For some reason, Tony gets away with it. Maybe because I know how much he loves her. But with Emma, it would break my heart if she told me to give in to what Ma wants. I don’t think I could forgive her.
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