“She’s my twin sister,” he says. They all look to me.
“How’d you get caught up with Ryder, here?” Luna asks. I look up at him.
“Yeah. How did you get caught up with Ryder, here?” Chase asks, his arms crossing over his chest. He takes a step toward us, but Ryder doesn’t flinch. Doesn’t even bat an eye. He just smiles.
“Saw her fishin’ at the pond at the corner of Rainweather and Joan’s Way.”
“But...that pond isn’t stocked,” Daniel says. Ryder looks down at me, and we exchange a smile.
“I know that now,” I say, never taking my eyes off him.
“Well, come, sit. We just ordered. I’ll call the waitress over,” Luna says, waving her down.
They pull up chairs for us, but to my dismay, Chase snags the chair next to me, booting Ryder out of the way. I watch him, but again, he doesn’t flinch. He just smiles, happily grabbing the chair next to him.
We laugh, talk, and they ask us where we’re from, how long we’ve been coming to Meade Lake, which of us is older, if we get along, if we can read each other’s minds.
“Do you guys, like, date each other’s friends and stuff?” the cute black guy asks, and I learn that his name is Derrick. Chase and I look at each other, and he looks down at his plate.
“He dates mine,” I say so that he doesn’t have to.
It’s no secret that when it comes to dating, Chase has got the experience. Not me.
Chase’s eyes flash to Ryder.
“I’ve been trying to set her up with my buddy Todd,” he says, leaning back in his chair.
Fuck off, Chase.
Ryder swallows and leans back in his own.
“They’ve known each other for years. But she won’t budge,” Chase says. Ryder leans forward in his seat.
“Maybe he’s just not the right match for her, then,” he says matter-of-factly. Then he leans back again, his eyes trained on mine.
When we’re finished, the group starts dispersing to their cars and boats. Ryder takes my hand and pulls me to him.
“Can I drive you home?” he asks.
“It’s cool. I got her,” Chase says, walking toward us. I roll my eyes. Ryder smiles down at me.
“He’s just doing what any good brother would do,” he says.
“Oh yeah? Being a pain in the ass?” I say, crossing my arms as Chase walks to the truck. Ryder laughs, and it makes my stomach flip.
“No. Making sure that the guy who’s into his sister is fit for her,” he says. I look up at him.
“Into me, huh?”
“Yeah, Mila. Into you.” He takes a step closer to me and takes my hand in his again. “Can I see you again this week?”
I smile and nod, giving his hand a squeeze.
“Sure. And maybe the one after that. I’ve got eight more to spend here,” I tell him. He smiles.
“Then let’s make ‘em count.” I nod and skip away back to the truck where Chase is continuing to pout in the driver’s seat.
I put on my seatbelt as he speeds off.
“Slow down, you idiot,” I tell him. He lays off the gas a bit, but he’s got anger all over his face. “What’s your deal?”
“Nothing.”
I pause and turn to him, waiting for him to come clean. We shared a womb, but sometimes, it feels like we share a brain. I can’t actually read his mind, but sometimes, it feels like I can.
“That guy, he just rubs me the wrong way,” he says. I roll my eyes and turn to look out the window.
“Oh, stop it, Chase,” I say.
“I mean it,” he says. “I don’t like him.”
I turn back to him.
“Are you sure this has nothing to do with the fact that I got a teeny-tiny bit of action today, and you didn’t?”
Chase’s head whips to mine as the car weaves with it then straightens back up. “Jesus, Chase. Pay attention to the fucking road.”
“What action?” he asks. I roll my eyes and can’t help but stifle a laugh.
“Not action in the sense that you would get action. But just that someone’s actually interested in me rather than you.”
Chase’s eyes are filled with emotion, but I can’t make out just what it is. He stares ahead at the road, and for the rest of the drive, he doesn’t say a word. His grip is tight on the steering wheel, making his knuckles big and white. When we get out and walk up the porch steps, he stops and turns to me.
“You’re more of a catch than you give yourself credit for, you know that?” he says to me. I turn to him.
“What are you talking about?”
“I mean, you have a lot to offer. Guys ask me about you a lot,” he says. My eyebrows shoot up.
“They do?”
“Yeah, they do. But I always warn them that you’re special. I don’t, like, forbid them from trying or anything. I just warn them that they should make sure they aren’t hitting out of their league.” I swallow and look up at him.
“Chase, I…”
“It always bothers me a little bit, just because you’re my sister, and anything that could potentially hurt you is a no-go for me. But at least with the guys back home, I know them. I can find them. I can hunt them down, if need be.”
I laugh, but his face stays serious.
“I don’t know this guy. You hardly do, either. I don’t like it. I feel out of control,” he admits. I reach up and punch his shoulder playfully.
“Ya know, I am a full three minutes older than you,” I tell him, “which makes me your big sister, technically. You don’t always have to worry about me. I can handle more than you give me credit for.”
He smiles and nods.
“And you know something else, C? You can’t always be there for me to work out things like this. I know it’s not your fault. I know I always put you in that spot of making you be my hero. But you can’t always be that for me.”
His eyes look full and sad, and it breaks my heart a little.
“Is it because you want him to be your hero?” he asks, giving me a playful nudge. I think for a moment.
“Nah. It’s because sometimes I need to be my own.”
He nods and takes a seat on the porch. I sit down next to him. We look up at the sky. The moon is so much brighter here in Meade Lake, like the water and the mountains magnify it.
Suddenly, a chuckle escapes his lips.
“What?” I ask him.
“Just thinkin’. What if that guy is, like, the one? Someday we could all be dancing at your wedding,” he says, shaking his head.
I laugh and give him another shove.
“I just met him. And we’re sixteen,” I say. Chase shrugs.
“You gotta start somewhere.”
12
I’ve worked six shifts now at Big Moon Sports, and I feel like I’m getting the hang of it. It’s still a little stressful when the lunch crowd comes in to get their rentals, but I’m starting to move faster now that I know what I’m doing.
But whenever a group of females comes in, be it a bachelorette party or something, and bats their eyes in Ryder’s direction, I always find myself on the other side of the counter, offering to register them so he doesn’t have to.
He smiles and happily takes the help, and I’m left feeling like I’ve somehow protected him—or maybe, protected myself.
We’ve been working well together—him, Derrick, and I. Sometimes Ryder takes later shifts for Lou, so I offer to close up. Other days, he can’t work till the afternoon because he’s doing yard work, so it’s just Derrick and me. But sometimes, Derrick has a day off, and it’s just me and Ryder. Those are becoming my favorite days, and I need to remind myself, again, why I’m here.
I need to remind myself that I can’t—won’t—fall back to where we were pre-Chase. It’s not healthy; it’s not plausible. It’s not real. I need to figure out how to move on with my life without the heavy weight of Ryder Casey hanging over me. But the longer I’m here in Meade Lake, the longer I want to lie there and let it suffocate
me.
“Hey,” he says, nudging me behind the counter as I file away the last of the day’s paperwork. “You got dinner plans?”
I swallow and shake my head.
“I’m gonna pick up some Linda’s on my way back,” he says. “Want some pizza?”
I smile and nod.
“Man, I can’t believe I’ve been up here for three weeks and have yet to have a slice,” I say. “That sounds good.” He smiles.
“Cool. I’ll meet you back at my place in about twenty?”
I smile and nod.
“Oh, and here’s your first paycheck,” he says, sliding an envelope across the counter to me. I grab it and thank him then hop in my car and head back to the inn.
I hurriedly open the envelope when I park and flip the check over.
I almost want to laugh at the amount.
It’s not a large amount, by any means. And if I want to continue staying up here, I’m either going to need something else, or I’m going to need to check out of this expensive-as-shit inn. I’m done living off of Luke.
I pull my phone out of my bag and pull up his contact. I suck in a deep breath and press it.
“Hello?” he answers on the second ring, his voice breathy and unstable.
“Hi, Luke,” I say.
“Mila,” he says, his voice full of what sounds like hope. I swallow the lump in my throat that rises every time I think of him. Think of how I let him down.
“Listen, uh, I want to call the lawyers and permanently end the alimony agreement.”
There’s a long pause over the phone.
“You...you what?”
“I got a job, actually. And I just don’t feel right taking it anymore. Thank you so much, really. But I can’t live off of you forever.”
I hear him sigh on the other end. I picture him in our house, his face pressed against his hand.
“Mila, I’ll be there for you, however you need, for as long as you need,” he promises. This time I blink out a tear.
“I can’t let you anymore, Luke. I’ve gotta go. Goodnight,” I say, clicking the “end” button.
I walk into the inn and up to the front desk where Mrs. Miller is flipping through the pages of a magazine.
“Excuse me, ma’am? I need to check out,” I tell her. She looks up at me over the rim of her glasses.
“Aww, sad to see your stay in Meade Lake coming to an end,” she says as I hand her my card.
It’s not over.
I go back up to my room and grab my bag, throwing everything inside it. I throw it in the back of my car after running a brush through my hair one more time in the mirror.
I know where I’ll go tonight after I leave Ryder’s.
And I know it’ll kill me.
I get back on the road and drive the few miles to Big Moon Drive. I changed out of his shirt—although, I won’t lie and say that peeling it off my body didn’t do something to me. When I pull in, he’s getting out of his own truck with the pizzas in hand.
“Good timing,” he says, unlocking the front door and holding it open for me to go first. Always the gentleman.
“Thanks,” I say. “Can I give you some money for those?”
He shoots me a look. I smile and nod. We both know the answer to that one.
When we get inside, I walk to the cabinet without thinking and grab two plates and two glasses, and then I grab a few napkins from the table. When I turn back around, he’s smiling at me.
“What?”
“Nothin’. I guess I just like that you know your way around here,” he says. I swallow and feel my cheeks flush. I didn’t even realize it until right now, how at home I feel here in this house. The house we spent so much time in. The house I know he ran away to when his parents would fight. The house we spent so much unsupervised time in when Aunt Winnie was off again on one of her adventures.
“Sorry, I guess I just—”
“Don’t apologize,” he says, stepping extra close to me and taking the plates from my hands, letting his fingers linger on mine for a moment too long. I clear my throat and nod as I follow him into the dining room.
The room is flooded with pink and orange light from what’s left of the sun in the sky.
“God,” I say between bites of cheesy goodness, “I forgot about this.” I nod toward the sunset that’s taking my breath away. He smiles and looks over to me.
“Yeah,” he says. “I forgot about them with you.”
I look at him and involuntarily smile at him.
Don’t do it. Don’t fall for him, Mila.
A few minutes later, the two of us have gone through four beers and one-and-a-half large pizzas. I sit back in the chair and put a hand on my stuffed gut.
“Man, there is really nothing like Linda’s pizza,” I say. He smiles and leans back in his own chair.
“Nope, nothing,” he says.
“Can I use your bathroom?” I ask. He nods, grabbing our plates from the table and heading to the sink.
“Course,” he says.
I hop up from the table and head down the long cedar-lined hallway. I love this house. It’s not the biggest house on the lake, but to me, it always felt like home. That is, till I reach the end of the hall. I can’t remember which door the bathroom is, and it bugs me.
I reach for the knob on the second door on my right, and I freeze.
I open to a room with walls that are painted pink.
A purple comforter drapes off the tiny bed in the corner of the room.
Floral curtains hang from the windows, and a rocking horse sits in another corner, right next to a tiny bookshelf.
A princess costume lies on the floor in a bunch, complete with tiny heels and a tiara.
“Shit,” I hear him whisper as he makes his way down the hall to me. Quickly, he reaches around me to grab the door and close it, as if it would erase what I’ve just seen.
“What...what was that?”
He hangs his head, bringing his hands to his face. He walks past me, head still in hand.
“Shit,” he mutters again to himself. I follow close behind.
“Ryder?”
His shoulder flinches a little with the sound of my voice, and he turns to me slowly.
He lets out a long breath.
“That was my daughter’s room,” he says. I feel my chest heave up and down a few times. He looks down at me with wide, heavy eyes, waiting for my response. The truth is, I’m waiting for it, too.
I walk past him like a zombie, blinking wildly. I reach for my beer and take a long sip, then I tilt my head back and guzzle the rest of it. I put the bottle back down on the counter, then I turn and walk back to the living room. I plop down on the couch, and he carefully sits next to me.
I swallow my initial shock, letting it sink in. Then I turn to him.
“You have a kid?”
He nods.
“Yeah.”
“How...how old is she?”
“Almost four,” he says. I blink, trying to do the math. He said his wife died four years ago.
“Did your wife…?” I start to ask. He just nods.
“Yeah. She died in childbirth. She hemorrhaged, and they couldn’t stop the bleeding,” he says. I gasp and cover my mouth.
“Oh, God. I’m so sorry, Ryder,” I say. Because I am. I can’t even imagine. He gives me a sad smile then scoots his hand toward mine on the couch, careful not to actually touch me.
“I appreciate that, but you’re the last person who should say sorry to me,” he says. I swallow.
“What’s her name?” I ask.
“Annabelle,” he tells me. Then his whole being lights up. From his eyes to his feet, it’s like his whole body is lighter now. “She’s everything.” I smile and nod.
I wonder, whole-heartedly, what it’s like to have another being, another person, that part of you actually made up. That has traits of you and someone you loved. That has your nose or your partner’s lips. That makes you smile just by growing. That truly becomes everyt
hing.
“Where is she?” I ask.
“She stays with Derrick’s mom, Alma, on nights that I work. And sometimes, May and her granddaughter take her if I have to grab a shift at Lou’s or something. These people are totally helping me raise her,” he says matter-of-factly, but he doesn’t seem upset by it. He seems grateful. “I was so, so lost when we first got home from the hospital. I had never even changed a damn diaper,” he says with a sad chuckle. “Alma came over, Derrick brought food, and his brother and sister-in-law made us frozen meals. May sent over bags and bags of clothes for her from her granddaughter. Lou refused to put me on the schedule, but I somehow still got a paycheck every two weeks while I was home with her. Derrick took over every shift at the store, and somehow, I still got my cut from that, too. These people, I tell you.”
I smile. He goes on.
“After everything, my mom went back to California. Still with no option to go with her. For a while I wanted to get away, which was scary. I had never wanted to leave this place. But it was pretty painful just looking around. But then, these people, they lifted me up, ya know? They sorta…brought me back.”
“That’s amazing,” I say.
“I was going to pick Annabelle up tonight, but Alma called and said she fell asleep early, so she is keeping her tonight.”
I nod again, and then the air grows thick and quiet.
“Mila, I didn’t tell you about her because I didn’t want to add anything more complicated than what you came here for. And I’m also really particular about who I bring around her,” he says. I look up at him and cock my head.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he goes on, “I’d love for her to meet you. But I try to avoid her meeting people who might be leaving soon. She gets attached, and she doesn’t even know it yet, but she’s already been through such a major loss.”
“That makes sense,” I say. “I’d love to meet her. But I just don’t know how long…”
His eyes drop to his lap, and he nods.
“I know,” he whispers. “When you figure it out, let me know. No pressure.”
I nod, but we both know I’m putting enough pressure on myself for the both of us.
I pull into the driveway of 114 Joan’s Way, where our big ol’ lake house sits at the back of a perfect cove. Nestled at the base of Sundance Mountain, with breathtaking views of Meade Lake and a private dock, the website description reads. The rental company tells my parents that it’s one of the most popular properties, but when I told my parents I was coming up here, my dad canceled all rentals until further notice.
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