That was why I was caught totally off guard when someone knocked on my door and I opened it. I couldn’t even form a sentence.
“Hi, Grace. I’m not sure if you remember me. I’m Rafe Santiago.”
I nodded.
“May I come in for a few minutes to speak to you? I won’t take a lot of your time. I’ll say my piece and go.”
Sure. Why not? I won’t believe a lying word your rock star mouth utters, but go ahead and throw it out there if it makes you feel better.
That was what I thought. I didn’t say anything. Merely turned around and walked away, leaving the door open.
He stepped in behind me and closed the door. He was in a suit, of all things. Probably expensive because it fit him like it was made for him. “Uhh…I should probably mention…your neighbor may have gotten the wrong impression.”
I remained silent, standing behind the recliner, keeping its bulk in between the two of us.
He seemed unsure of whether to keep going on or not. Stood with his mouth hanging open like he was waiting for someone to throw popcorn into it.
“Yeah. She…” He pointed at the door like whoever he was talking about was still out there. “…pretty brunette, short…”
Payton.
“Anyway, she said something like, ‘Wow, Grace is banging two rock stars.’ I didn’t have time to correct her because she sped by and ran down the stairs.”
Definitely Payton.
And she probably wasn’t gone. She was probably either trying to listen on the fire escape, or with her ear pressed to my door. He waited for a response, and not getting one, slapped his palms together and sort of swiveled on his heels.
“So, I said I wouldn’t take much of your time. Uhh…would you mind if I had a seat? This feels a little uncomfortable standing like this.”
I was surprised by how overwhelmed I was by my feelings, which I thought I trapped pretty well. I searched for my voice but couldn’t get much force behind it, although I did manage to say, “Sure. Have a seat.” I waved at the couch, but noticed my hand was trembling and brought it to grasp the top of the recliner, turning my eyes away because seeing him hurt. He reminded me too much of Zane.
Jamie chose that minute to barge into the room. “Gracie, my room’s all cleaned. Can I have my ice cream—” He saw Rafe and froze like I had.
Rafe rose. “Hi. You must be Jamie. My name is Rafe.”
“Cool.” He ran into the kitchen. I’d have to find out if he was upset later.
Rafe looked at me with raised brows. “Did I…not handle that right?”
I cleared my throat, shifting my weight. “I’m sorry. He got a new coloring book.”
“Oh.” He seemed to absorb this for a second. “Huh. First time I lost to a coloring book.” He gave me a charming smile. I cast my gaze down, staring at the crisscrossing weave of the recliner. He sat back and clasped his hands. “Uhh…I wanted to talk about…Zane.”
“What about him?” I threw out like a shield. Then I had a sudden thought. What if something happened to him and they had sent Rafe to tell me about it. “He’s…he’s okay, isn’t he?”
“Well, to tell you the truth, no. He’s sick over what happened.”
I blinked, fighting back tears, but said nothing. I guessed he decided sitting was equally as uncomfortable as standing in our house because he got to his feet and moved over behind the chair opposite me, putting two chairs and a coffee table safely between us. He spun around slowly to face me, pinching his bottom lip. He sighed. “Zane’s always been a bit self-destructive. He probably wouldn’t like me telling you this, but his stepfather was a real asshole. I mean a real asshole. The guy is this freakishly fit construction worker type who never finished high school. He takes great pleasure in tearing Zane down. Like, completely destroying him. He told him he was a pansy for playing guitar and writing music, hell, for reading freaking books. He took every opportunity to make Zane feel worthless.”
I blinked harder. I didn’t want to care about whatever shit happened to Zane, but I couldn’t not. The idea of someone treating him like that broke my heart.
“If you ask me, it’s because he’s jealous. He could tell Zane was special, talented, and it irked him.” He leaned forward, resting his arms on top of the chair. “That’s why Zane got into drugs. As a means of escape. To quiet the voices in his mind telling him he wasn’t worth a damn. He got drunk last night and talked finally, about what…happened between you two and—”
Anger flashed quick and hot. “What happened between us? Nothing happened between us.” He seemed shocked I had something to say about it after all. “He just made love to me one night and left the next morning without saying goodbye. He—” My voice caught, but I fought through it. “He left a three-sentence note taped to my bathroom mirror.”
Rafe lowered his head, pausing, my words hanging in the air for a moment. He sighed. “I won’t try to defend what he did. Or presume to tell you how you should feel about it or what you should do about it. I only want to make sure you have all the pieces of the picture.”
I took a chance and looked him in the eye. Bad idea. His deep brown eyes were full of kindness and sympathy. The kind of shit that could break you down.
He glanced over my shoulder at Jamie coloring in the kitchen, and dropped his voice. “I guess Jamie made some statement about being family.” That surprised me. “It freaked Zane out. It’s not that he doesn’t want you guys to be his family—I think he wants that very much—it’s just he doesn’t feel he deserves you. And he doesn’t think he can do what’s best for you, love you properly. Be a decent role model for Jamie. And—” He stopped, considering, and exhaled. “Well, I’m in this far, I might as well go all the way. He blamed himself for what happened to you…on your trip….” He shifted his gaze away with this, clearly uncomfortable talking about it. “And, on top of all that, his stepfather called him that night. It was like the perfect fucking storm.”
“I-I remember he got a call. He was acting strangely that night.”
“All those cutting remarks from his youth that ripped him up, and some new vile things the S.O.B said, all of that factored in to him leaving you. As goofy as this sounds, he thought he was doing it for you.” He stopped, watching me.
“You’re pretty astute, for a guy. And I don’t mean that as an insult….”
“I took psychology before I dropped out of school to join the band.” He smiled. “It’s useful at times.” He laced his fingers, swallowing. “Grace, he really cares about you. He’s been…a mess, since he left you. And I’ve seen him a mess before and nothing compares to what he is now. Especially after…you walked in on him.”
I passed a hand over my forehead and spun away from him, wrapping my arms tightly around myself. Seeing him and that half-naked girl….
“Grace?”
I didn’t turn.
“Grace, I really need you to look at me for a moment.”
I slowly turned to face him, fighting my eyes up. He had come all this way to talk to me. The least I could do was listen.
“I need to beg your forgiveness, as I begged Zane’s. I saw you coming that night. I could have spared you a whole lot of pain…but things have been stained between he and I since Devin’s death and…I guess I was still holding on to some resentment. It was totally selfish and uncaring, what I did. And I wish I could take it back. I’m truly sorry.”
The only thing I could do was bob my head slightly. It wasn’t him I was mad at.
He walked toward me and I shrank. I wasn’t scared of him physically—although he was an impressive figure—I was afraid of what he might say next. I was barely keeping it together. “Grace,” he repeated softly. “Nothing happened between him and that girl. He wanted something to happen, he wanted to chase away the memory of you, but, even as drunk as he was, he couldn’t do it. He was sending her away when you walked in.”
That did it, the tears spilled over and tracked down my face. He stepped even closer and wiped my te
ars away with his thumb before pulling me into his chest. “I wanted you to know that.”
I nodded. Stiff in his embrace at first, but releasing the pain little by little and dissolving against him. I sobbed a couple of times, but the last thing in the world I needed was for Jamie to see me upset. He counted on me to keep things together in his world. I pushed away from Rafe, embarrassed.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded, not looking at him.
“I need to ask you one more thing. Please don’t tell Zane about this. It goes against bro code and is totally uncool.”
That made me laugh a little.
“There, that’s better.” He rubbed my arms then broke contact. “Well, I’ll get out of your hair.” He turned to walk to the door.
“Rafe?”
He twisted back.
“Thank you.”
That huge smile came back. “No problem.” He walked out the door and closed it softly behind him.
I closed my eyes. “Jamie?”
“Huh?”
“I think I’m going to rest. I have a headache. You can watch Animal Planet.”
“Yea!”
Sometimes I wished I could be more like Jamie. Then nothing would happen an ice cream sandwich or a stack of pancakes couldn’t fix.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Grace
After I put Jamie to bed, I was alone with my thoughts. A storm was bearing down on Jefferson City, but I had a thing about storms. Beauty shone in the turbulence. I loved the deep rumbling of thunder competing with the crash of lightning for attention. The bolts of electricity split the sky, and could light up a room, all a part of nature’s big light show, the thunder serving as the orchestral background. I loved the way the storm clouds rolled in with authority, like some blustering boss. And after the drama things would quiet and the world would be bathed clean.
I sat in the window to the fire escape letting the energy outside fill me. I closed my eyes as wind blew the rain in, misting my face. When I opened my eyes the lightening zigzagged through the trees in the park across the street and it captured a shadow in the alley. Did I see something? With the next bright dart, it was clear someone was there. I stood, a chill running along my spine. Was it Brad? Who else was crazy enough to stand in the rain in an electrical storm? But something about the way they stood….
“Zane?”
He ran forward, jumped, and caught the rungs of the ladder that pulled down at the end of the fire escape. He charged up the stairs then stood frozen across from my window, his legs spread wide. I was paralyzed, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t take in a full breath. A tremendous bolt of lightning snaked through the sky, and the thunder following shook the glass in the windows. His gaze was drawn skyward, and without him staring at me, I found my voice.
“Come in. Get out of the rain.” Leaving the window open I turned my back and walked over to the counter, crossing my arms and leaning against it. He stepped inside and stood where he landed. He wasn’t wearing a coat, simply a blue Oxford with the sleeves rolled, a gray suit vest, and a metallic blue tie, with jeans. Even soaked to the bone he looked amazing. He held a bedraggled bouquet of lavender roses and Peruvian lilies and perhaps some purple statice, it was hard to tell in the state it was in.
“Umm…” He held them out. “These are for you.” I didn’t move, so he laid them on the end of the counter opposite me. “They were much nicer before….”
He ran his fingers through his wet hair, pushing it off his face, and I noticed a fresh scar on his forehead, an inch below his hairline. I ignored the little dive my heart took. “I, uhh, came to the front door, but I guess you didn’t hear me.”
“I was putting Jamie to bed.”
“Oh.” His expression brightened. “How is he?”
I sighed. “Well, he’s been better, Zane.”
Instead of deterring him, the bite of my sarcasm seemed to loosen his tongue. He held an arm out in front of him, palm down. “I know. I know I hurt you both.”
I realized I didn’t want to hear it. Didn’t want to hear how sorry he was, his excuses, and his bull shit. I moved so suddenly he took a step back, hitting the window frame. “I let you in because it’s raining and I didn’t want you to get struck by lightning. I would do that for a stray dog or an alley cat in this weather. But I think you should leave now.” I marched out of the kitchen to the front door. He followed, dragging his feet. I opened the door for him. But he had to come close to get out.
He stopped when he was even to me. “Grace…if you could listen for a minute. One minute is all I’m asking.”
I stared at him, so many conflicting feelings battling inside me, like the wind and rain outside. I closed the door softly. I didn’t look at him, because when I did I wanted to run into his arms. “You came a long way…I can give you a minute.”
“Thank you.” He stood with his mouth open for a second. “I don’t know what to say to you.”
“Then this was an incredible waste of time and energy.” I twisted the knob.
He threw his arms out. “Wait!” When my eyes flashed to him, he softened his voice, bouncing his hands. “Please. Please, I’m begging you….”
“What do you want, Zane?” My voice shook.
He turned around, walking in a slow circle, shaking his head. “I rehearsed what I wanted to say the whole way here, but now it seems lame.” He stopped, focusing on me intently. “Grace,” he hunched his shoulders, “I love you. I love you so damned much….”
A tear popped out when I blinked. “Well, Zane, you have a funny way of showing it.”
“I know. You’re right. I blew it big time. But I did it for the right reasons.”
I put a trembling hand to my forehead.
“I wanted more for you and Jamie. You deserve so much more. But, being without you….” He swallowed and looked to the side for a second. “I knew it would hurt, but I had no idea how much.”
I thought of so many biting responses to that, they log-jammed in my mouth. “What….” I walked over and threw myself in the chair. “What do you want from me, Zane?”
He walked quickly over and got on both knees in front of me. “I want forgiveness. I have no right to ask for it, but…. Grace, I was scared. I didn’t think I was enough.”
“Did I ever make you feel that way?” My voice was choked. I covered my mouth.
He touched the outside of my knees. “No, honey. Never.” He hung his head for a second then lifted it, staring straight at me. “I’ve always had a hard time believing in myself.”
I thought about what Rafe said about his stepfather and my heart went out to him. I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t stay mad at him even after seeing him with that girl. I loved him. Love doesn’t choose who to love. It doesn’t always make sense. It isn’t always pretty. And you can’t kill it, because it’s still underneath. I ran my fingers down the side of his face. “I know.”
He put his hand over mine, holding it, and squeezed his eyes shut. Then he turned and kissed my palm tenderly. “I will spend every second of my life making it up to you, I swear. That girl. That girl you saw me with. I didn’t do anything with her. I was drunk. And I’ll admit I took her to the bus…it could have been any girl there. I didn’t care. I don’t even really remember what she looked like. But, I did…I wanted to fuck the shit out of her. I wanted to forget about you and the pain and all my mistakes, but…” Tears fell, running down his cheeks. “I couldn’t do it, Grace. I couldn’t do it because it wasn’t you, and you were what I wanted with every fiber of my being. I want to stay here. I want to fight for us. I want to be a better man for you. And—”
I took his face and I did what I was dying to do since I saw him on the fire escape, I kissed him. Then I threw my arms around him and sobbed.
“Oh, my God.” He pulled me off the chair, and into his lap. “I’m so sorry, Grace. I never wanted to hurt you.” He got choked up and couldn’t speak any more.
“Zaner?”
I don�
��t know how long he was standing there. Zane wiped his tears and motioned him over. “Come here, buddy.” Jamie ran to him. Zane hugged him, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m sorry I was gone for a while, but I’m here now and I won’t ever do that to you or your sister again. Can you forgive me?”
Jamie leaned away to peer at him. He nodded solemnly and laid his head down again. Zane held him for a second then asked, “Can I tuck you in?”
Jamie turned to me. “Are you okay, Gracie?”
I smiled. “Yes, Syrup, I am.” He grinned, got to his feet, and held his hand out for Zane.
“I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.”
Zane went with Jamie, but was gone for a bit. I rose and went to Jamie’s door. Zane was on his knees beside the bed stroking Jamie’s hair. It appeared as if Jamie was sound asleep. I leaned on the doorframe with a sigh, and the wood creaked. Zane turned then pushed to his feet, gave Jamie one last glance, and came to me. He took my hands, and started to move toward the living room, but I stopped him. Without saying anything, I led him to the bedroom. I had to be with him again, had to share that oneness with him that gave me life. After tonight I knew there was no looking back.
Zane
I had been so nervous when I drove to her place. I knew this was a do or die moment for us, and that scared the shit out of me. I was asking her for a lot, and ready to offer a lot in return. When she led me to the bedroom, I was surprised. This was way more than I could hope for.
She stopped beside the bed and spun to me. “You’re soaking wet.” She loosened my tie, and peered up at me. I bent my neck and she lifted it off, carefully laying it over the trunk at the foot of her bed. Maintaining eye contact, she unbuttoned my vest and slid her arms around me. The gesture was so sweet, so simple, but everything we did now was done deliberately. I drew her in, kissing her hair. We stood for some time like that, holding each other.
ROCKED BY GRACE (LOVE AND CHAOS SERIES Book 1) Page 20
