Mangled Hearts

by Felicia Tatum

  I managed to keep myself busy for most of the weekend. Mowing, cleaning, and cooking for the week was enough to keep anyone busy. My parents came to visit, as they usually did every Saturday morning. Since my sister passed away, we’d become closer. No one knew when their last breath would be, so we wanted to be more involved with each other. We never were really a super close family, but not damaged either. Josie and I would sneak off, laughing and complaining about the rules in place all the time. We talked about boys…clothes…hair…school…everything. We were best friends, though there were three years between us. It was only the two of us. We were inseparable when we weren’t fighting.

  She looked a lot like I did, but I always believed she was prettier. She was thinner, her hair straighter, her eyes sparkled more. She came to high school my senior year, so I was very protective. Unfortunately, she fell in the wrong crowd. Everyone close to me ended up needing saving. But I couldn’t save her.

  She started off with parties here and there, then she started smoking. I threatened to tell our parents, but she knew I really wouldn’t. So she kept on. The parties turned to more, the cigarette smoking led to marijuana. She went down fast, a spiral no one could save her from. I knew that now. It didn’t stop the pain, though. Especially when I saw Cade and remembered he was there that night.

  Shaking my head, I focused my eyes back on the book I was attempting to get lost in. Hamlet lay at my feet on the couch, snuggling his warmth in them and making me wish my socks were off. For such a small creature, he felt like a heater. I slid them from under him, his gray head raising and his golden eyes giving me a menacing look before he nodded back off. I couldn’t help but laugh at how adorable he was. I stood, stretching my arms high above my head, and hurried to find my tennis shoes. Going for a walk was what I needed at this moment.

  The air wasn’t hot, but it wasn’t cold. Fall was my favorite time of the year. All the beautiful colors that nature created called out to me. Beckoning me to join, to hope, to love. I walked along the road, getting lost in the sea of leaves that surrounded my feet. They crunched and crumpled beneath my shoes, sounding like a song only mother nature understood. I relaxed, letting my mind drift as my eyes devoured the beauty around me.

  8 years prior-October

  I let myself be talked into going to the school dance by one of the girls I talked to in class. Why? I had no idea. A small part of me, like a microcell, hoped Cade would come. It was unlikely, but I was kind of dumb when it came to him. I looked down at my white tank dress, placing a blue cardigan the color of his eyes over my shoulders. I left my hair down, naturally wavy. It annoyed me most of the time, but he told me once he liked it that way. The things this boy did to me…it was ridiculous. And exciting.

  I twirled in the mirror, somewhat satisfied with my appearance.

  “You look great. Cade will drool alllllll over you,” a young voice said from the door.

  I spun around, seeing Josie standing in the frame with a smirk on her face. “Josie,” I said, “what are you doing? Quit spying on me. I do not like Cade,” I scoffed, biting my lip at the lie.

  “Yes you do,” she taunted, dancing around in my room laughing.

  “Get out!” I yelled, diving for her.

  She escaped just before I reached her, giggling all the way down the hall. I rolled my eyes at her immaturity, then slipped on the kitten heels. I tried to slow the quickened pace of my heart, but it was impossible. I just had a feeling that Cade would be there.

  The school transformed the cafeteria into a dance floor. The lights were dimmed with a strobe of multi lights spinning on the walls. There were teachers in every corner, though no one did anything about the grinding on the floor. I rolled my eyes at the cheesiness, standing by the door contemplating a quick exit. I felt so out of place and awkward.

  “Well, don’t you look lovely,” his voice dripped behind me, his breath tickling my ear as his words trickled in my brain.

  Turning slowly, I saw him in usual attire, a white tshirt and jeans, but he looked incredible. His dark hair appeared darker in the dimmed lighting, his eyes shone with eagerness.

  “You’re here,” I said dumbly. Like he didn’t know he was here. I was such an idiot sometimes.

  “I am,” he said, a sexy smirk showing on one side of his mouth. “Wanna dance?” he asked, his leg shaking nervously, his eyes desperately searching mine for an answer.

  I nodded, unable to speak. We’d kissed, but only a couple of times. He grabbed me, pulling me to a spot close to where we stood. Warm fingers circled around my waist, while the others held my hand. He pulled me close, every inch of our bodies touching. His eyes never left mine as we swayed and spun. I was lost in all that was Cade Kelling.

  Slowly, he leaned me back, dipping me and following until our noses almost touched. His breath was warm, his breathing intense. I stared at him intently, willing him to put his lips on mine. Almost as suddenly, he stood us upright, putting a small distance between us.

  “There’s a teacher watching us,” he said, his head leaned against mine, his voice speaking into my hair.

  I nodded again. He was ripping me in pieces. He knew how to turn me into a puddle with a simple glance. I couldn’t take much more.

  Present Day

  Remembering the dance was bittersweet. Someone had taken our picture at the exact moment he dipped me. It ended up in the yearbook, to my horror, but I’d snuck in the room where they put everything together and swiped the original. It was in a box under my bed. After, we’d hung out, talked until well after midnight. Stupid me asked him to go to a birthday party with me, my heart soaring when he’s said yes. But it was a lie. He stood me up. Then….then he dated her. The evil, snobby, skanky girl that tried to make the rest of my sophomore year a living hell.

  Jade Smithson wasn’t very popular…or likable, but she somehow managed to dig her claws into Cade and steer him far away from me. After he stood me up, things got rocky. We weren’t ever “really” dating, but the feelings felt so real. So pure. It tore me in two knowing he held her, kissed her, spent time with her, instead of me. The day I saw them in the hall together, I knew things would never be the same, and I’d cried for hours when I got home. And many days after that. Yes, it was weak, but I was sixteen. My heart was raw, open, and vulnerable. It didn’t help that every time I saw them, Cade’s eyes filled with regret and remorse, making me wonder just why he was with her. It drove me crazy, not knowing why he chose her over me. Perhaps he never felt anything for me. Maybe it was just a game to him, to see just how idiotic I would act over him.

  Shaking my head, I tried to tear the thoughts from my head. I couldn’t let myself get caught up in this again. Glancing around, I realized I’d walked the whole block and was back at my house. I bound up the steps, stopping on the porch to look at the nearly setting sun. The sky possessed a yellow/orange glow that matched the leaves I’d tracked home with me. I stood in awe, allowing nature to calm my senses and my rapidly beating heart. I had to push Cade out of my mind. The accident determined our future. No matter how much my heart and my body wanted him I couldn’t allow myself to get lost in his eyes. Not again.

  I lay in bed that night, willing my brain to not be consumed with nightmares. It was pointless, I knew, but I hoped one of these nights I would be able to deal. The Sunday morning I lost my little sister was forever etched in my memory. I don’t even think head trauma could take it away…not that I wanted head trauma, I just wanted to forget. I’d spent the night with Daphne, as we usually did on Saturdays, so I was trying to sleep in. Our sleepovers always resulted in us staying up way to late, watching too many movies, and giggling way too loudly. She was somehow always up early, no matter how late we were awake, so she rose long before I did.

  At 8 a.m. my world shattered. Something awoke me, though I don’t know what. Daphne stood just inside the door, her eyes wide in fear, limbs trembling. I rubbed the sleepy from my eyes, watching her wit
h a questioning gaze. “Daph?”

  She moved forward, I remember it looked like she was in slow motion, and sat beside me on the spare bed. “Francesca….” She said with her voice full of emotion and sadness.

  I sat up, pulling my knees to my chest and hugging the pillow. “What happened?” I asked. Something was so very wrong, it was obvious.

  “Your parents just called.” She said, just stopping at that.

  Frustrated, I grabbed her arm, “And?” I questioned.

  “Francesca…there was an accident. You need to get dressed.”

  “Who, Daph?”

  “Your mom and dad need to tell you,” she said, her eyes welling in tears.

  “Daphne,” I demanded, my eyes pleading with hers.

  Her face scrunched as the tears fell freely. I don’t know how I knew, but I did. Something happened to my sister. I hugged the pillow tighter. “Is Josie going to be ok?”

  She looked at me pitifully, and I knew in my heart that my sister was gone. I had to hear it, though. I stared at her, my heart thumping against my chest.

  “I don’t think so,” she barely choked out.

  I tried to stand, my mind in a daze. I somehow got my jeans on, then turned to see her watching me. I fell to the floor in a heap, the tears finally rushing from me. I sobbed in my hands, barely able to catch my breath at times. I felt her arms surround me, tugging me close to her. I didn’t hear her parents come in the room, but they too held me close. It wasn’t enough. I cried for what felt like forever. Finally, I was able to speak and tell them I wanted to go to the hospital to be with my family.

  I still couldn’t remember the drive over, my mind wasn’t functioning properly. Daphne’s father, Joseph, led me through the parking lot and halls. I could barely stand on my own, let alone walk without assistance. The hospital was cold…emotionless…and a place I will never forget. I remember white everywhere. The moment I saw my mother and father, my emotions were lost once again. I ran to them, and we all fell to the floor. I couldn’t ask the questions I needed to. I didn’t want to hear my sister was dead, nor could I stop crying long enough to ask. I gripped my parents tightly, burying my head in my mother’s shoulder.

  “Francesca,” she said through the sobs.

  I looked up at her through blurred vision, shaking my head frantically, “No, Mom, No!” I screamed, pushing her away. “She’s not gone. She’s not.” I cried harder cause the look on her face told me she was.

  “Honey, she was drinking…there was a car accident. It was instant,” my dad said from the other side of me, his voice cracking.

  “No!!” I wailed, over and over, but it was useless. It wasn’t bringing my sister back. Nothing could. I pounded my fists on the floor, then grasped Daphne closer when she huddled next to me. My mom stood up, her hand covering her mouth as she watched me. My dad held her as they cried.

  The memory brought fresh tears to my face, but I didn’t bother to wipe them away. Remembering the moment I found out my sister was gone forever wasn’t what haunted me, years of therapy had helped that, Cade’s involvement in the situation was what haunted me. I’d heard rumors immediately after the wreck, that’s what people did, right? Talk about tragedies and make them worse with their lies? The way people spun the story was unbelievably annoying and pathetic. I hadn’t believed what everyone said about Cade…but he proved it was true by not telling me anything. He didn’t even say he was sorry at the funeral. The knife he stabbed hurt more and more, cutting deeper with each betrayal, but my sister’s death was the final straw. I hadn’t spoken to him since then…until I was appointed to his case.

  I drifted off to sleep with a tear soaked pillow beneath my head. I snuggled closer to Hammy, allowing his purrs to lull me into my restless night.