by Erin Rickman
“Don’t be”, I said softly. “Do you want coffee?”
He nodded and followed me into the kitchen. I got down two cups and flicked on the kettle, putting the right amount of coffee and sugar into each. Atlas sat at the kitchen bar, playing with his fingers. I wandered to the fridge and grabbed some milk. The kettle became more aggressive as it reached the boil, and I poured water into the cups. As I handed him the coffee, he spoke.
“My mum had one of her drunken male friends back,” he started to explain. “I was minding my own business, as I always do, and I heard shouting. My mother is no gem—she knows how to push people’s buttons, especially when she’s hammered. It got louder, so I went to see what was going on, he had hold of her while he was screaming in her face, and she was crying."
"Was she okay?" I asked concerned.
He nodded and the said, "She looked terrified. I don’t know what came over me, but I ran at him, I hit him a few times.” He held his right hand up, to show light bruising on his knuckles. “I’m not a violent person, B, I never have been, but I just saw red. Eventually, I heard her yelling at me, telling me to stop. When I registered her words I turned to look at her, he got a hit in and gave me this shiner.” He gestured to his bruising cheekbone before saying, “Then she told me to get out and not bother coming back.”
“What happened wasn’t your fault,” I comforted, sitting on a stool next to him.
“I know,” he said firmly. “To be honest, she’s been looking for an excuse to get me out anyway.”
“Well, I’ll speak to my parents tomorrow. We have some spare rooms. I’m sure they won’t mind if you stay until you get back up on your feet.”
Atlas smiled at me in thanks. We sat in silence; words didn’t need to be spoken. I knew he was grateful for the lack of conversation as he processed what had happened. It was apparent that Atlas just needed comfort and my presence gave that to him.
✽✽✽
My parents were dubious about letting Atlas stay at first. God forbid the neighbours saw a beat-up young man entering and exiting the house; it would be the talk of my mother’s book club. When I then explained a rough outline of Atlas’ home life and pulled on my mother’s heartstrings, it won her over. For my father, I told the story of the breakthrough Atlas made last week with the DNA bases, needless to say, he can now stay as long as he needs. I wouldn’t be surprised if Mel became Atlas’ personal servant, bringing him cheese on a platter. Atlas assured them it wouldn’t be long, just until he can find himself a small flat.
I knew I should have considered Jai’s feelings before I offered Atlas a place to stay. After all, Atlas was a sore spot for him, and as much as I hated to admit it, we both knew why. Though, surely he would understand? Atlas needed me; he was broken. He needed somewhere safe to sleep; I wasn’t going to let any friend sleep on the streets when we had ample rooms to spare, let alone Atlas. Regardless of Jai’s ill feelings towards Atlas, I knew he wouldn’t want to wish harm upon anyone.
We sat in the garden, enjoying the early morning sun with the crisp air. Atlas was staring at his coffee mug, slowly swirling around the liquid in his cup. I watched as a droplet flew out the edge of the cup, landing on his tracksuit bottoms. I had come to notice over the months of our friendship that although he was very good at smooth-talking, his actions could sometimes be anything but smooth.
“Look, I know last night was a lot for you to take in and we haven’t slept, but I have an idea.” Atlas looked at me, his eyebrows raising as he waited for me to continue. “We need to get away,” I declared.
“B, a holiday is not going to solve our issues,” he moaned.
I snorted. “I don’t have a passport, so a holiday isn’t an option. However, the zoo is.”
He raised his eyebrows “Is this a date?”
“Atlas,” I warned.
“The zoo is far too crowded, and I’m way too tired.” He whined with a sigh. “We could day drink? Alcohol-free though, I have some in my car.”
I nodded. “Yeah, alright, it’s Sunday. I think after all this it calls for a bottle of mum’s finest for me. To the wine cellar.”
“You have a wine cellar?”
I rolled my eyes. “You’ve met my parents, why are you surprised? my mother antiques and attends a weekly book club.”
Atlas slapped the top of his thighs with his palms and stood up, to which he then walked towards the door to go inside. I watched as his back muscles contorted, showing a clear definition. The black shirt he was wearing hugged his body finely. My eyes dropped, for a man he had a nice bum. I had never really noticed before. I never thought I would see the day I would be attracted to a beat up, sleep deprived man who dressed like a chav. I suppose there’s a first for everything. I started to imagine what he would look like without a shirt on.
“B, you coming?”
I coughed to clear my throat and nodded. The day was going to be exciting, watching paint dry would be impressive if I was doing it with Atlas.
I walked Atlas through to the kitchen, which was open plan with our dining room, the marble floor was smooth under my slippers. We walked to the far right corner, and I pushed the door open. We descended the stairs, and I flicked on the light. I felt the uneven concrete floor under my feet. In the middle were a circular table and four chairs. I walked over to the back of the room and started looking at the different wines that mother had to offer.
“Jesus, my mum, would have a field day here,” Atlas gasped.
I wasn’t sure how to reply, so I didn’t. I couldn’t argue with him after the stories he had told me of his mother. I overheard some clattering and turned to face Atlas. In his hand, he held a black light.
“Have you bought me down here so no one can hear my screams when you kill me?”
“Don’t be such a drama king.” I rolled my eyes. “My mother uses it when antiquing to, and I quote, ‘ensure the authenticity of such masterpieces.’”
“Like your dining table centrepiece? What a masterpiece that is,” he retorted sarcastically.
I breathed through my nasal and said in agreement, “Thank you.” I was relieved that someone else agreed with my opinion on the damn centerpiece.
“Regardless, this is pretty cool,” Atlas stated, holding up the blacklight. “Can I give it a whirl?”
I walked over to him and flicked on the equipment. Then I wandered to the stairs and flicked off the cellar light. I watched as Atlas bent over, looking at different stains that illuminated under the light.
“Wouldn’t use this in my car if I were you,” he joked.
“Or mine,” I chortled.
“Blaire Mayres, you little minx,” his tone was flat, but from what I could make out due to the illumination of the blacklight, he was smiling.
Atlas started to move around the room, and I followed at a distance, also interested to see what surprises the floor of our cellar had to offer. His eyes fixated on the ground as he walked. I watched as he slowly got closer to one of the wine cabinets. I stared wide-eyed as he became dangerously close, and I did not want to be at fault for thousands of pounds of wine on the floor. I took a few steps forward and pulled him back to avoid a crash. I was used to the uneven ground of the cellar; he was not. Atlas stumbled backwards, his arms reaching out for something to grab onto as he lost his footing. I quickly took hold of his hand, yanking him upright to steady him. I felt myself stumble back due to the sheer force I used to pull him straight. I knocked into the table behind me, so I grabbed hold of his shirt to regain my balance.
Atlas was now in very close proximity. His usual smell of bergamot tickled my nose; it was a smell I had grown to love, especially when mixed with his personal scent. I unscrunched his t-shirt from my fists, laying my hands flat across his chest. I could feel the tort of his muscles and the fast-paced beat of his heart. I looked up, not seeing much due to the dark, but his breath tickled my face. I remained unmoved. The urge to kiss him became overwhelming, but my moral compass was more durable, after all, I still had to think
about Jai.
“Are you ok?” I asked quietly.
Atlas was quiet for a moment before slowly taking a step back. “Yeah, fine.”
I slid sideways to escape his stature and fumbled over to the light, flicking it on. It appeared Atlas was as flustered as I felt. His cheeks were a bright red; his eyes observed me closely, moving up and down my body as I stood watching. After a moment, I broke the gaze and walked back over to the wine I was eyeing up previously.
Atlas placed the black light on the table. “Dangerous things them,” he noted.
“Considering you’re a womanizer, you’re not the smoothest,” I mumbled, grabbing a bottle of wine and turning to face him.
“Listen here, B,” he started, lowering his voice. “If I didn’t respect the fact that you were in a relationship, we would have got up to unholy things the devil would have been proud of.”
I snorted, walking towards the stairs. “Sure.” Secretly, I would have enjoyed it if we did, which made me feel guilty. I knew in my heart that I would have relished every sinful second of it. It made me feel sick. I was not that sort of person, which meant that I had to make a decision, and soon.
“Maybe you’ll find out what the devil taught me one day,” he laughed, poking my rib cage as I walked past him.
I felt the heat rise in my cheeks. The guilt reminded me that, right now, those such things were not acceptable.
Chapter Nine
Later that evening
Atlas and I were sitting on the sofa, he was situated down one end, and I was at the other. We both lent against the arms of the furniture, our legs up and intertwined. I sat sipping the wine I had stolen from the cellar and Atlas sat slurping his Budweiser Prohibition. The TV was playing Friday Night Dinner.
‘Hello, Jackie, you look nice.” Jim gave his classic line on the T.V.
I snorted, and Atlas chuckled. I imagined that, if Kenji ever approached a woman for romantic interest, he would have polar opposite traits to Jim. Whereas Jim came off as overly friendly and didn’t understand boundaries, Kenji came across hostile and wouldn’t get close enough to anyone to discover their boundaries. Kenji was often uncomfortable around people, and I had never seen him show love and affection. Was he even capable of love? I bet he was the sort of person who also didn’t think puppies were cute. In fact, I often thought that he had sat on a large stick and was in a great deal of pain. I shouldn’t be too hard on Kenji, though, as he most certainly had warmed to me. However, in the world of Kenji, that meant that he went from twenty-below to just above freezing.
The doorbell sounded out. I slapped Atlas’ leg as an indication to remove them from my own. He groaned at having to move due to being comfy, and I chuckled. I walked to the door, grabbing the keys off of the stag holder and unlocking it. I was surprised to see Jai stood in front of me, though I shouldn’t have been—he was my boyfriend. I looked at Jai’s clothing and noted he wore a simple VANS t-shirt, skinny black jeans and the same branded trainers. His eyes were wide, his lips in a harsh line.
“Hi,” I greeted, standing aside for him to enter.
“You haven’t answered my texts since yesterday, and you’ve been distant recently, so I wanted to check on you,” he explained. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied.
He leant in to kiss me, but I pretended not to realise; instead, I proceeded with a hug. Atlas sauntered around the corner of the living room, curious to see who had arrived. Jai’s eyes flicked to him before they came back to me. His face looked shocked. I didn’t have to be inside his head to know he was questioning the situation, his insecurities getting the better of him. However, with the way I had been acting, his reaction was justified.
“Is this why you haven’t texted me?” He gestured to Atlas standing behind me, clearly building suspicions on the circumstances.
I paused collating my answer. “My phone’s upstairs, sorry. We were just watching Friday Night Dinner.”
“What’s he doing here?” he continued to press, becoming tense.
“He has a name, and it’s a long story,” I sighed, not ready to argue, but it appeared I wasn’t getting what I wanted today. The last twenty-four hours had been far too drama-filled for my liking.
“Is there something going on between you two?” Jai asked, taking a step back like I had punched him in the gut.
I wasn’t ready to lie to him, so instead, I everted with, “Do you really think I would do that?”
Yes, I did like Atlas, and we’d had a few moments, but, technically, nothing romantic had happened. I wasn’t lying, just avoiding the truth. Regardless, the feelings I had recently come to accept with Atlas made me feel guilty. Although I had technically done nothing wrong, Jai had always doted on me, which made having feelings for Atlas far worse than the situation actually was. It wasn't like I could comfort myself with the idea of Jai being a terrible boyfriend, he wasn't.
“I don’t know anymore, Blaire. You never talk to me, and, if you do, usually it’s because I have started the conversation. Do you even love me anymore?”
He was hurt and, in turn, I felt the same. I knew this was coming, but my imagination had not done the situation justice, it was far worse actually living it. I knew I had to be honest, but I was scared of losing Jai.
“Can we not do this now, I—”
“Answer my question,” he demanded, his patience growing thin at my constant avoidance of his questions.
I looked at Atlas and gestured for him to go and sit down—he didn’t need to be here for this conversation. Also, I felt his presence would have only made the situation worse from Jai’s end.
I started speaking slowly to plan my words, “Jai, I do love you,”—his face showed relief—“but I don’t know if I’m in love with you,” I clarified.
Jai pointed harshly to the living room to which Atlas had retreated. “Is this because of him?” he snarled while his face contorted.
I was torn between being truthful and saving his feelings, and it hurt. I knew someone would get hurt; truthfully, I knew six months ago when I first walked into the office it was going to be Jai. I had been lying to myself about the intensity of my feelings for Atlas to avoid the drowning guilt I now felt. At first, I had only small waves of the emotion, but now facing the issue had created a tidal wave threatening to swallow me whole. I was selfish—I knew where the conversation needed to lead, but I was afraid of what I would lose. Lying and dragging everything out would only make this worse on Jai. So if being truthful meant losing him, I didn’t have a choice. Regardless of what I wanted, I had to think of him. I decided I needed to be honest, and do it short and quick like ripping off a plaster.
“Not exactly, no,” I said wearily, leaning on the wall. “My feelings have changed; maybe even I have changed. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m in love with you or if you’re just a comfort I don’t want to lose.”
The words sounded far less harsh in my head; his reaction made it clear that he did not appreciate being called a comfort after a long relationship.
He snorted, throwing his hands up in the air. “I can’t do this, Blaire! I need someone who can love me and hold me with as much importance as I hold them and since you got this job—”
“That you pushed me to get,” I recalled, “because I was never good enough for you when I was just stacking shelves. You always wanted me to be more, and, now that I am, you don’t want that!”
“Don’t you dare turn this on me,” he warned. “Tell me that you don’t have feelings for him, Blaire.”
I watched as Jai’s shoulders rose up and down, his breathing getting faster. His arms hung at his side as his hope dwindled; he realised he probably wasn’t going to like my answer. His facial expression of wide eyes, furrowed eyebrows and redden cheeks showed pain. I was breaking him; I was going to lose him. My heart sank as the realisation hit, I couldn’t lose him. As the thought crossed my mind, I panicked.
“I don’t—” I paused when I realised he saw right thr
ough me; years of an intimate relationship can sometimes work against your favour.
“You can’t lie for shit, Blaire,” he seethed as my panicked non-truths caused further anger and pain.
I stood silent realising that trying to pretend I didn’t like Atlas wouldn’t save anyone pain, especially when Jai already knew the answer. It would only infuriate him further and push him away. Be cruel to be kind was the perfect fit for this circumstance.
“It’s not feelings; it’s confusion.” I paused, organising my delivery. “I’m confused about everything. I care for you both, and I don’t know what that means or what I should do.”
“I am not second best, Blaire.” His eyes were shining. “You’ve known him six months—you’ve been with me years, Blaire! The feelings shouldn’t even compare,” he paused, horrified recognition hitting him, “but they do, don’t they?”
I knew what was coming because I knew him. My head begged him not too because I did rely on him, although it was unclear for what exactly. My heart, however, was unmoved as Jai was no longer what it wanted. My breathing became rapid as I watched him struggle to say it because if he did, it became final. I felt my eyes starting to sting, and my vision blurred, I didn’t attempt to stop the tears that began to fall.
“We’re done,” he whispered.
“Jai—”
He shook his head, his voice raising, “No, Blaire, I know this is what you want. You’ve just been too selfish to do it. You never thought about my feelings in this, because if you had, you would have been truthful from the start.”
He was right, the minute I had doubts I should have been upfront with him. Though, he was wrong about me considering his feelings. I did think about him throughout the whole thing; my guilt had been tearing me apart. I never wanted to hurt him; I thought I was protecting him. I just wanted to make this as painless as possible, but my actions had backfired.
“All I could think about was hurting you. I didn't want to lose you.” My breath caught in my throat as I choked-out, “Please.”
