by Tessa Lynne
Amelia is here now and waits as I write this. She asked me to tell you that there is no malice in the Council’s action. “Child, there are reasons for this action beyond your understanding. Your brief doubts played a miniscule part in a decision that would have been made anyway.” Michael, you are my forever, as I am yours.
I have vowed not to write in anger. I can’t believe this. Our letters are my one tangible link to you. By what right can they keep us apart? It seemed the cruelest of jokes, but I could tell Amelia was almost as disheartened as I was. I will come to you no matter what, using my power to reach out to you.
I am feeling so down. I must try to reach you. I know you are surely feeling as I do. Can we try to comfort each other? I need to feel your arms around me—my tears come unbidden. Hold me close, my love.
My darling, do not chastise yourself for doubting. Do you think that I have not? I have wondered if someone here has written the letters to give me a thrill or to play some heartless prank on me. But I know what I have felt in your embrace—no one can make that up. Did I not comfort you as you did me? I tasted the saltiness of our combined tears.
Amelia had time to tell me a little of the spirit world. I feel that a great privilege has been bestowed upon me. She appears just briefly through an elderly woman who volunteers here. I hear this serene, peaceful voice coming from a body that looks like anything but that. Are you with me now? I feel your essence surrounding me.
16. The Council Decides
11/15—
“Way to go, Michael!” That was Zachary’s response when I told him what happened. My attention was on a client, listening intently, when I felt your touch upon my cheek. It was so decisive a touch that I was startled and had to fake a cough to cover my reaction. Zachary said your success will strengthen our case before the Council. And, he said that Eli has declared his unequivocal support for us. The enormity of our situation begins to take hold in me, and I am filled with gratitude that our plea is even being heard. Of course, I would not be easily reconciled to a decision against us but—if I truly accept this entire experience—how could I be angry at them if we are denied?
Michael, it would be such agony to lose you. I expect we would both react like children, who recognize a parent’s authority, know they are powerless to change a decision, but unleash a torrent of emotion at being denied what they want. I would throw some adult equivalent of a temper tantrum. I can imagine doing that, but the depth of my despair, once my anger was spent, is beyond my imagination.
My love, did you whisper to me of kisses sweeter than wine early this morning? How is it possible that our lips can meet so definitely? Knowing you will not read these words, unless the decision is in our favor, provides a pathway of hope—every word I write carries with it the expectation that you will read it.
I asked Amelia to help me with my power to reach out to you. She said, “You must trust in that power and in your ability to access it.” Sometimes I try hard but am not sure if I have reached you, and then I make little effort and you are there. It is a complete and utter mystery to me.
Earlier, I lay down and softly called your name, a whisper on the wind. You came to me in a dream, my lovely Morning Star, with jet black hair and eyes to match, a dress of soft ivory leather with intricate beadwork around the neck, sleeves, and hem—a wedding dress.
Would you like to know more about the Council that holds our lives in their hands? I asked Amelia what she could tell me. “It includes two Sages, seven Masters, and three close to that status. It is led by Althea, who has been a Master for some time. She took a strong interest in your initial ability to reach out to Michael and in the strength of your subsequent connection, and she has already declared herself to be in your favor. Given her position, I find it quite extraordinary.” It gives me great hope to know we have such a high level of support. We may need it. Amelia said some matters before councils require only a majority decision. In this case, the entire Council of twelve must be in agreement that our relationship be allowed to continue.
You may be thinking that we will find each other if the decision is against us. I would want to do everything in my power to go to you, but our attempts would be thwarted and our spirits would face severe penalties, a loss of status, if they supported our efforts. Our angels, now assisting us, would have to follow the dictates of the Council and act contrary to our wishes. (I find that hard to imagine.)
I haven’t explained why my name wasn’t listed in that alumni mailing. My ex was threatening to take Vince and go to her parents’ in another state, so I transferred to a school there for my final year. Then my mother became sick and I insisted we come back to be close to her. I started graduate school and that is when we would have met. A year later my mother was better, so we left the state again and I got my second degree there too. Did events transpire to bring me back in order to meet you, to fulfill our destiny? I can hardly bear to think we missed that opportunity.
While I wait for the girls to get home, I will tell you a little about my family. My mother is still very active, spends half the year in Arizona. We weren’t close as I was growing up, but we now enjoy shared interests and viewpoints, and we laugh a lot together. A devoted grandmother to the girls, she likes to tell how her heart fell when, age three, one of them flatly said, “We love our other grandma.” Then her heart soared when after a long pause she heard, with more enthusiasm, “But we really, really, really love this grandma.” I was in the next room and couldn’t tell which of them said it, but she had perfect timing.
Amelia told me of a prior lifetime my mother and I shared (our only one) that sheds some light on our early relationship. I was my mother’s servant, in a time and culture in which servants were often horribly mistreated. That pattern was not repeated, but Amelia believes the effect it had on our spirits affected our relationship, created distance on both sides. She said, “Most lifetimes include relationships in which past issues are to be resolved through the working out of the current dynamics.” I think my mother and I have both learned that lesson.
Michael, the great privilege of having been given so much some-times escapes me. When I stop to reflect, I appreciate that it is a gift, and I am ashamed to admit my moments of doubt. I asked Amelia to tell you they have vanished. I have felt you reaching out to me every day—your touch so obvious it leaves no room for doubt. When I was the one to initiate our contacts, I would sometimes wonder if I could be imagining everything.
I gave Amelia a small gift to deliver to you, a token of the stone I feel at my center. I relate to the intensity of it, the passion of the deeper red in the middle, the sparks glancing off of the surface. I held it close to my heart last night and this morning to imbue it with my energy.
I don’t think I have ever described my body to you. I am six-two, have a medium build, a somewhat long face with a rather square jaw, and dark brown hair with a receding (just slightly) hairline.
Someday, ma Cherie, you will meet J.T., but not before you have my ring on your finger. He considers himself quite the ladies’ man and he fits the image of one. I can hear you asking for details. He is close to my height, extremely fit, charming, and handsome—all of that, plus an excellent bedside manner. Back to the subject of rings, what would you prefer?
This cessation of our letters is becoming more difficult with each day that passes. I miss yours more than I thought possible. I am tir-ing more easily and Amelia says I have lost weight. I have a slight fever, and the warden just dropped in to say they are going to start me on IV antibiotics tonight, so I will be stuck here for a while.
Good morning, ma Cherie. I miss those beautiful words that I know speak of love. At your request, Amelia asked me a curious thing—if I had said anything to you about kisses. Are you referring to kisses sweeter than wine? Yes, I murmured those words to you shortly after this cruel separation was forced upon us.
Darling, these last few days I have been more certain of your presence. When you have to leave me, the shift in energy
is evident and reassuring. Will you let me spend the night in your arms? We will pray that the Council is quick with their answer and that it is in our favor. I will not consider the alternative, my love. I will not.
Most years, some of my family have made it here for Thanksgiving, but today it was just the three of us, with enough food for a crowd—turkey and all the trimmings. I could feel you close and knew that our spirits were here with us. After dinner, we went through the girls’ old school papers and artwork that I had saved over the years, laughing at some, filled with nostalgia over others. I read to them your description of Vince as a child—they want to know more. Then I showed them the picture Amelia said resembles him. Their first comments were, “He’s hot.” and “He’s a stud.” They wonder how he will react to your news and said it would have been difficult for them to accept it all at once. As we talked of you, Kenna said, “The two of you would have been such good parents together.” I agree.
Yes, I will be with you and the girls in spirit. Vince and Tara brought me a turkey sandwich and some pumpkin pie, and they have just left. Now I want the staff to leave me alone so I can draw you near and spend the rest of the day with you. Are we having the traditional feast? Next year we will prepare it together.
My temp was down this morning, the IV is gone, and I am optimistic—but this waiting is driving me crazy. I don’t know what I will do if we are denied. I will have to start making calls and try to find you. It shouldn’t be that difficult. I will play the sleuth and follow the clues you revealed in our history, or I could hire a private investigator. We will be together, one way or another. You say our efforts would be thwarted, but I am not without some resources and a degree of cunning.
Thank you for the beautiful stone. It has kept me company today, and I slept with it under my pillow last night. I imagine it to be a part of you, the part that I strive to touch, to make mine, to take full possession of.
I think there is good news. I was awakened in the night by your strong presence, or perhaps it was your spirit who was close. There was so much joy and happiness between us that I think a decision has been made in our favor, and our letters will resume immediately.
Can you sense my excitement? Sally just called to confirm her appointment, and Amelia came to say that Eli wishes to speak to me this afternoon. I think that feeling I had in the night must have been accurate. I will know in a few hours.
Our wait is over—eleven days an eternity. Has Eli told you yet? He believes that, once you are in remission, the Council will grant our wish to reclaim our destinies. I am filled with hope for our future as I celebrate my love for you. The feelings linger, my lips tingle with the memory of yours. Are you asleep? I will nudge you, ever so gently, then ease myself into your arms.
Tessa, my love, I felt you close in the early hours of the morning. Your presence was more evident than usual and I heard you call my name. Is everything okay? I hate to leave you like this, but Vince is coming to take me out and about. I hope Amelia comes first so I can ask her what is going on. He is here.
It has been a long day and I am tired, a good kind of tired. I know I shouldn’t overdo things, but I have felt as if I have been in prison—four walls and that pervasive odor that permeates all medical facilities. My supper is here and I am starved.
Thank God, and thank Eli. He was here! Eli was right here. I have to tell you, he scared the daylights out of me when he appeared through the warden. I was speechless, except to ask if it was a joke of some sort. It is no joke, my darling. We need only agree to the same conditions as before.
The warden just poked her head in to see if I needed anything. I will never look at that woman in the same light again. Eli appearing through her was a humbling experience. I will treat her with more respect—not that I was ever disrespectful, except under my breath, after she had left.
My beloved, I will never get enough of you. Did we not celebrate our joy? I have never felt such rapturous pleasure. There were tears in my eyes of sheer happiness. I adore you.
Michael, I have read your every word, twice. Could you sense my emotional overload a short time ago? It was a combination of relief, intense longing, hope for our future, and shame for my doubts—all firing a mass of conflicting neurons in my brain.
In this last hour with you, I have been reminded of the power of our connection: unbound souls unite…seeking, reaching past delights…crescendos undone, contentment overtaking…bliss, peace, spring will come.
17. Healing Powers
11/26 – 12/17
I said I would write of my leukemia, such a frightening word when I first heard it from J.T. I was devastated, thought it a death sentence, sank into what I call my “lie down and moan” stage. My type is acute lymphocytic leukemia, the one with the highest rate of remission. Darling, you should know that some of the treatments I am receiving might have long-lasting side effects—one of them is impotence.
Listen to me, my love. If that should happen before we meet, I will withdraw from your life. I could not come to you as half a man. I know you will say it doesn’t matter, but my sweet, sweet love, it would perhaps come to matter. I can’t stand the thought of ever disappointing you. It has grown late. Hold me, my love. I need you desperately.
I apologize for getting so maudlin, but I thought you should know the facts—enlarged lymph nodes, muscular/joint pain, and fever are all common symptoms. I noticed your letter was here last night, but I left it in my journal while I struggled with my right to open it. I question my ability to be everything you want and need. How can I ask you to take this uncertain journey with me?
I couldn’t resist the pull of your letter. You spoke of hearing your spirit’s voice. I am in complete awe of you. I have had no such connection with my spirit. Amelia wouldn’t tell me his name, but she said it might come to me. “It was some time before Teresa was aware of Mahalia. It takes acceptance, patience, and a great deal of reflection.”
Michael, I can only imagine what it was like for you to hear your diagnosis, come to terms with the illness, and at the same time try to fight it. Amelia and Zachary have assured me that it is possible for you to heal. You can direct forces within yourself to assist your medical therapies.
Have you ever practiced meditation—entered a state of being as opposed to doing or thinking? I start with yoga, or simply stretching, and then I take a few slow, deep breaths. As I feel the release of any remaining tension, I let my breath return to its natural flow. I place my awareness on each inhalation, not forcing it, and on each exhalation, the full process of each natural breath. It is that easy, but thoughts and emotions easily intrude. I acknowledge them without letting them take hold and then bring my attention gently back to my breath. It becomes easier with practice.
Once you have achieved a deep state of relaxation and awareness, you can add healing components. Visualize the Light surrounding you and breathe in its healing energy. You can direct healing effects to where you need them, even to individual cells or types of cells. Visualize one element at a time and create a detailed image to symbolize the healing process.
I use meditation to help me access my spirit and my powers of healing. I use a variety of visualizations to reach a deeper state, with greater effect. I then move on to prayer, the connection with my spirit helping me to access the Light. In recent weeks, I have then reached out to share that healing energy with you.
I talked to Amelia about my ability to beat this. She said, “You must listen to your body and become aware of even the slightest changes; only then can you effectively combat the effects of the disease and be rid of it.”
Amelia said, “It is unfortunate that natural healing practices are now less valued. Early civilizations were given assistance to develop them; they were often of a spiritual nature, and believers saw better results. There are many healers among us in the spirit world. Some Masters take physical lives to share their knowledge; others work to bolster the powers of earthly healers.”
I will take time each day t
o clear my mind and concentrate on healing my body. Amelia said I can channel my personal power into a healing force. She will guide me, but it is something I must do for myself. I must first have complete faith in that power and in He who gave it to me. I remember the Light. I know what it is capable of, and He knows what I am capable of.
J.T. has just left. When I told him of my plan, he said, “It’s about time you started helping yourself.” Maybe I’ve just been waiting for another miracle—it is up to me to make one happen.
My love, I want to tell you what your illness means to me. I ask myself who I would choose if I knew that another man was available—in perfect health, attractive, compatible, etc. Would I choose him over the man I love? I would not. Michael, I sense in you a virility that goes beyond the act of sex. You would still be a man to me, and I would still prefer you to any other. It is the sum total of your being that I want and love.
I have been doing some soul searching. I asked myself if I have the strength to stand by you, no matter what. The answer was yes. I then asked why I feel so strongly that I cannot desert you. The answer was clear—I want to give to myself the joy of knowing you.
I am working on getting more in touch with my physical self, to be fully acquainted with my muscles, organs, blood, arteries, veins, and lymph system. I did the breathing, as you described it, and managed twenty minutes. I believe it takes a lot of practice.
