Don’t fall for the idea that love conquers all. Love alone is not sufficient for a healthy relationship, and it is very possible for two people to love each other and still not be right for each other. There has to be a foundation of trust, respect, and compassion in the relationship. There also has to be a willingness to compromise on some things, an unwillingness to compromise on others, and the insight to distinguish between the two. You and your partner both have to have an incredible amount of patience and come to understand that there will be good days and bad, but at the end of each day you both agree that the value you bring to each other’s lives outweighs the difficulties. But love alone is not enough. If you want the best for both you and your partner, make sure you have everything else in the relationship as well.
chapter twelve KISS AND DON’T TELL
Cameron
“Maybe you guys want to try shooting this scene without your robes on,” the producer pressed.
It had been less than forty-eight hours since I laid eyes on Lauren for the first time. Immediately following the reveal ceremony on Love Is Blind, the crew took us to separate hotels where we were sequestered for a day. I’m not exactly sure why we were separated like that. Maybe they had not expected eight couples (yes, eight!) to get engaged on the show. What I did know is that I was going crazy being alone in my hotel room without a phone or any way to talk to my fiancée!
I was allowed my phone to give my employer a brief call to let him know I would be taking another week off as I had let him know was a possibility. I had told him I was going on a reality show before I left, but hadn’t filled in any of the details.
“Did you win?” he asked.
“Yes, I did,” I replied, while thinking of Lauren.
“Excellent, excellent… I can tell you’re really happy, so no worries, Cameron. We will see you in a week.”
Production also let me give Mom a call.
“I was starting to get worried when I didn’t hear from you,” she said.
“Well, I did say that I wouldn’t be able to access my phone for the last two weeks.”
“Yes, but I was still worried that the show might not be real. I was about ready to come looking for you.” We both laughed at that.
After this day of seclusion, Lauren and I were reunited once again. Our producer whisked us to the airport where we boarded a flight to Mexico, eventually ending up at the Grand Velas Riviera Maya in Playa Del Carmen. I wanted to pounce on Lauren from the moment I saw her, and she was giving me the eyes too. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other in the airport and were causing enough of a scene that our producer walked ten feet away from us because of his embarrassment. The oceanfront suite and the private Jacuzzi only heightened my anticipation. But Lauren and I weren’t about to make soft-core porn for Netflix.
“That’s okay; we’ll keep them on,” I said firmly. We had learned early on that you had to stand your ground with the producers. I don’t blame them for always wanting to push the limits. That’s what reality television is all about. They were just doing their jobs. But Lauren and I knew our line and there was no crossing it.
There was talk that some of the other couples may have gone further on camera. One couple was rumored to have been filmed having sex in the shower. I can neither confirm nor deny that rumor, but I did notice one of the teasers for the show contained a clip that seemed to align with that rumor. So it is possible that some of us were baring more than our hearts for the camera.
The next morning, the producers wanted Lauren and me to spill the tea on what happened during our first night together.
“How did it go last night?” one of them asked probingly as Lauren and I sipped our coffee and juice.
“Good,” I answered.
“Did you sleep in the same bed?” the other producer asked, with a little more urgency.
“Yes, of course.”
“Did you cuddle?” the first one asked with a sort of singsongy cadence.
“There was some cuddling involved,” I said.
“Oh for Christ’s sake, did you have sex or what?!?”
“Can we get some more juice in here?” Lauren asked, with a laugh.
Lauren
Cameron and I got very good at the evasion game. But that doesn’t mean we never talked about sex. The subject came up during our early dates in the pods, and it’s something we continue to talk about comfortably.
We all know sex is a natural part of life. It’s part of the bond that forms between two people who are romantically involved. Unfortunately, the topic is taboo in many parts of our society, so people are often too shy to bring it up. I’m not saying it should be the starter topic on the first date. But if you’re sexually attracted to someone or are interested in pursuing them it doesn’t hurt to let it be known. Otherwise, you could end up in the friend zone, even though that’s not what you’re there for. (See “Let’s Talk about Sex” [page 128] for tips on starting the conversation.)
I’m not sure where my comfort talking about sex comes from. Definitely not from my parents! I’ve had exactly two conversations with them, both times with my mom. The first was back in college. I was home from break one semester—not my first year of school, this was closer to my last year. She came into my room one morning and said to me:
“Honey, do you have any questions about sex?”
“I think I’m good, Mom!”
The other time was shortly after Cam and I were married. My mom came to the house for a visit. As soon as Cameron left the room, she slyly pulled a bottle of coconut oil from her luggage and handed it to me.
“This is magic in a marriage,” she whispered. “That’s all I’m going to say.” Once again, my response was along the lines of an awkward, sarcastic “Yea, thanks, Mom!”
Cameron
Well, I appreciated the coconut oil. And I’ve always told Lauren her mom has good advice. My mom had also tried to talk to me about sex several times during my teenage years. The conversations always followed a similar pattern: Mom would try to broach a topic, like wearing protection, but then we would both be uncomfortable, and she would quickly wrap up the discussion.
“You know you can talk to your father or me if you have any questions,” she would always say.
“I know, Mom.”
While the topic was uncomfortable, I knew it was coming from a good place. And although I can’t remember ever asking my parents questions about sex, I think the fact that they always showed that they cared about me and made me feel safe helped me develop a willingness to be vulnerable. I believe to have intimacy of any kind with someone requires an exchange of vulnerability. I realize in retrospect that while parents and children having conversations about sex can be deeply uncomfortable, they can be helpful for the child, who is still trying to figure what to make of it.
Lauren and I don’t pretend to have all the answers. Sex is nuanced and different for everyone. Your sex life with your partner continues to evolve as your relationship evolves. But I will share with you what insights have helped us continue to enrich our sex life.
First, sex really needs to be an ongoing conversation with your partner. You should make an effort to check in regularly to see how they are feeling about your sex life. It can be fun and enlightening to talk to your partner about their turn-ons, turnoffs, fantasies, and questions. Ask them what’s their favorite thing that you do to them and what they love doing to you. Ask them what they would like more or what they would like less of. Maybe your partner is not as willing to talk about their sexuality, but when they do, listen. Ultimately, sex is more psychological than physical, so understanding more about why they have the turn-ons and fantasies they do can bring new levels of fulfillment to your relationship. Even just feeling heard and accepted for the uniqueness of their sexuality can make your partner feel more connected to you.
Another critical lesson I learned is that encouraging sex is not solely about turning your partner on but also about eliminating the turnoffs from your environ
ment. One of the biggest turnoffs can be stress. While some people have a higher desire for sex when they’re stressed as a means of coping with it, others deprioritize sex when stressed. Sex is not immediate to survival, so it makes sense that sex is no longer the focus when people are in a constant state of stress. Consider ways in which you can take some of the burden off your partner’s back—whether it is doing more around the house, going on a walk together, making them laugh, whatever you know helps your partner unwind. It is, of course, not only good for your sex life but also good for the general well-being of your partner and your relationship if you are able to find strategies that work for easing their stress.
Another turnoff can be exhaustion. We often have to make adjustments to fit our sex life into our busy schedule. This might be stating the obvious, but it’s crucial to make time for intimacy before you are burned out for the day. People often think of the evening hours as the time for sex. But after putting in a hard day’s work, Lauren and I aren’t always in the mood. We’ve learned that morning sex is one way of jumping this hurdle. Sometimes exhaustion is difficult to avoid, but by recognizing the importance of sex in your relationship and your well-being, you are better able to prioritize it. Set aside time devoted to dates and other romantic time that you both agree is sacred and will not be disrupted by work.
It also helps to create the mood. Lauren loves flowers, so I might surprise her with roses, light some candles, and throw on a little Sade. I might make reservations at a restaurant with a romantic ambiance or explore a new part of the city with her we’ve never spent much time in before. It is important to keep having new experiences with your partner: the memories from those experiences often stay with you most strongly. Also, it can’t hurt to cook one of your partner’s favorite meals.
Lauren
When I come home and Cameron is in the kitchen making his chicken fettuccine Alfredo, I know he’s out to seduce me. It usually works, unless we eat too much and slip into a food coma. But, it is important to zhuzh it up every now and then. Now, putting in a little extra effort or paying attention to detail is not a guaranteed ticket to “pum pum town.” But small gestures of affection can help lead the way to larger ones.
At the end of the day, the thing to remember is that good sex starts in the mind. Yes, there’s the physical act of intercourse between two people. But with good sex, a deeper connection occurs, and that’s what unlocks the passion. It’s the most powerful and positive life force in the world. There are many layers to the love Cameron and I share. But I know I speak for the both of us when I say that passion is one of our favorites. And for any LIB producers reading this, we definitely did Netflix and chill that first night in Mexico.
Our “Let’s Get It On” Playlist
Here’s a list of our favorite mood-making songs:
“He Loves Me” —Jill Scott
“Kiss of Life” —Sade
“The Light” —Common
“Comfortable” —H.E.R.
“Any Time, Any Place” —Janet Jackson
“Good Company” —KYE
* * *
Let’s Talk about Sex
Sex can be difficult to talk about. But here’s the hard truth: if you can’t talk openly about sex with your partner, it’s going to be more difficult to sustain a healthy sex life with them. The appropriate time to talk about sex can vary from person to person and date to date. Therefore, it may be wise to ease into sexual conversations. As with all things relationship-related, having questions in mind can help get the conversation started and keep it flowing in a positive direction. Here are some things we’ve asked each other over the years, going all the way back to the pods:
How comfortable are you talking about sex? Start the conversation out slowly. You can see how they respond when talking about sex in a broader sense (e.g., when discussing a movie with a steamy sex scene). If the conversation becomes more personal, be curious and ask questions. Do not try to push the discussion if your partner is indicating they are not interested in continuing the conversation. This applies to couples who have been together for a while as well: open dialogue can make you feel vulnerable, but it will ultimately lead to a more satisfying partnership.
What are your biggest turnoffs? Once you’ve broken the ice, you can dig a little deeper into your partner’s sexuality. Talking about turnoffs, or even embarrassing sexual experiences, is less direct than asking about turn-ons. People tend to have an easier time relating to conflict. If the conversation flows easily, you can move into turn-ons next. Keep the conversation going about what you both like and dislike as the relationship matures, even if you feel like you already understand your partner’s sexuality. When discussing turnoffs, pay close attention to not just what they don’t like during sex itself but what situational factors reduce their desire for sex, such as stress, routine, and exhaustion. We all have our own unique sexuality that evolves over time, even if those changes are small (e.g., learning that a particular type of outfit your partner wears turns you on, coming up with a new fantasy scenario).
Do you like massages? Massage can do wonders for your sex life because it accomplishes several things at once: 1) it helps relieve your partner’s stress, 2) it can stoke the fire of passion by allowing you to take time to appreciate each other’s bodies before jumping into the main event, and 3) it is satisfying to give and receive a massage, even if it doesn’t always lead to sex. Let your partner know you don’t have any expectations for sex and don’t get upset if sex doesn’t always happen after. Appreciate this sensual exchange not as a means to an end but an end in itself.
What is something you have always wanted to try? Sex is at least as much psychological as it is physical. When you are able to fulfill your partner’s fantasies, they will be truly grateful to you. Of course, it is important to let each other know what you are not comfortable with up front to avoid hurt feelings later in the discussion. Once you both have established what you are not comfortable with, start exploring where your partner’s mind goes when they fantasize and see where you are willing to meet them. Our fantasies often include dramatic settings, like the penthouse suite of a skyscraper hotel, with big, sweeping views of the city below. Sometimes we may engage in a bit of role play. For example, one of us will play the part of a college professor and the other a student in search of some extra credit. Want to guess who plays which part? Wink wink!
chapter thirteen MEET THE PARENTS
Cameron
During one of our early pod dates, Lauren and I were talking about family, as we often did. At one point, I heard Lauren say, “Pam and Bill.” Those are my parents’ names, so I thought I missed something she said or a question she had asked.
“Yeah, my parents’ names are Pam and Bill. How did you know that?” I asked.
“What? No, I was saying my parents are named Pam and Bill.” There were a few moments of silence as we both tried to process what was happening.
“Wait, your parents are named Pam and Bill?” I asked.
“Yes,” Lauren answered, a bit confused at this point.
“My parents are named Pam and Bill!” I shouted.
“Are you messing with me?”
“No, are you messing with me?”
I remember thinking to myself, Is this some kind of strange mind game that Production is playing on me? Is Lauren in on this? However, that thought dissipated when I turned my focus back to Lauren and considered how genuine our connection felt. It all felt too good to be true, but I resisted the urge to self-sabotage. I reasoned that while it was possible that this was an elaborate ruse, the love I had already fostered for Lauren was very real and worth taking a leap of faith.
Fun revelations like our parents having the same names and wedding anniversaries one day apart (December 17 and 18) underscored how fated my and Lauren’s connection felt. The more we talked about our parents, including the way they raised us, the more we realized how similar our values are. First and foremost, our parents instilled in us the i
mportance of family and of honoring thy mother and father. Our parents also drilled into us the value of hard work from an early age. Lauren and I exchanged stories about how we were both disciplined as children, how our parents had been there for us in times of need, and how they had encouraged us to be well rounded by getting involved in clubs and programs in school. The more we talked, the more I felt like I already knew her parents. I was excited to meet them, even if I’d only known their daughter for a few weeks.
Lauren
Cam might not have had much trepidation about meeting my parents, but I sure did! Not so much with my mom, but with my dad? Definitely. You get to see some of this in the show. With so much of our story line, the tension seemed to be entirely about race—as if my dad was put off by Cameron’s race. Although our different backgrounds were addressed by my father it was never his main concern. He just wants to make sure his daughter is with a respectable, intelligent man. My dad and I have always had a close relationship; I wear my “Daddy’s girl” title proudly. Growing up, I wasn’t going to bring just any guy home to meet my dad. And the truth is that, prior to Cam, I had never introduced any of my boyfriends to my father, because I felt that none of them were worthy enough of the introduction. The fact that I was willing to go there was the biggest indication in my mind of how serious my feelings for Cam were.
I was very anxious about the meeting, so I started prepping Cam days in advance, during our proposal-moon at the resort in Mexico.
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