by Rona Go
conservative and prestigious institutions. She belonged to a decent family who lived in a peaceful suburban community who knew everyone well. She had a boyfriend for five long years who also had the same upbringing. She was very much protected from a miserable world which could have introduced the lesser evils that she could have opted for. All throughout her life, she was exposed to what was good, beautiful and what was not necessarily true. There never were people like Rick before. Nor were there joints like the ones where Rick worked.
But she discovered these people and places. And she realized she belonged there too. In fact, it was a world where she can be who she was. Where she can express her dark side and still be accepted for it. She thought that nobody in her world would have appreciated her if she was a good-for-nothing bum. Rick did. He understood her and the rebellion that perhaps she was having against the world for he, too, had his own uprising.
"I wanted so much to prove to my father that I can be somebody!" Rick told Ella during one of their drinking sprees. He was not much in divulging about himself. When he did reveal himself, Ella could only get a glimpse of the beautiful person that he really was. "He never trusted me to go to university. He claimed that I am not one those persons cut out for school! He prepared this small grocery for me to run someday. But I've got bigger dreams than that! I want more. I can be more than that! The stuff I do would just be my stepping stone. Time will come when I'd be known for the music I make."
Compared to Jerome who was nine years older than Ella was, Rick's dreams would have sounded quixotic. Yet, not even once did Ella doubt that Rick would have what he wanted. Rick was a visionary. He might be young and too idealistic but he knew where he was going.
Ella thought she knew better, yet she didn't. It wasn't long before she quit her job. She had the perfect excuse for it—she deserved it! For almost fifteen years inside the academe, she completed what she had to finish in due time without bailing out or failing. She deserved a break! She felt she had the right to do whatever she wanted without anybody asking her for any explanations why she had done it. After all, she did what they wanted without hearing anything from her. That included her decision to quit her job.
She made other decisions without offering any reasons or excuses for them. Mostly, there were decisions which were slowly screwing her life up. It was such a wonder how one minute detail in a fleeting moment of one's life can change almost everything. How it seemed in a snap of a finger, the unpredictability of life can vanquish the carefully planned destination one was to take. Alas, life was not a destination after all but a journey.
One major decision Ella had occurred when she spent the night with Rick at his house. As usual, she had a few bottles of beer in dip charge with vodka.
It was one of Rick's few moments when he showed his vulnerability. They were just sitting comfortably in a couch when he blurted out, "I can remember before, I used to stay away from home for how many days looking for gigs for our band. Aside from my mom, I don't think anybody would even notice I was gone."
"Where do you usually stay?" Ella asked slowly tracing Rick's features with her finger. There were times when it made her sad to look at the lines on his boyish face covering an overload of pain. Yet, at other times, it ushered happiness on her part to look into his eyes with the dreams that he can look forward to.
"I stay with friends. But oftentimes, I just stay at the bar when they closed. I would usually pile up tables to have a makeshift bed," Rick had told her.
"I wouldn't have allowed you to do that if you were mine!" she said before she could stop herself. "I would have pulled you to bed and tuck you to sleep like a baby!"
Rick had looked at her awkwardly. It was obvious how such a tender moment could really affect him that much. It was something he couldn't handle. Yet, he managed to whisper, "You would? Why?"
"I want you to be safe!" she said softly. She felt protective towards him. It hurt her to think she cannot really be there for him all the time. She cleared her throat and added, "I care about you!"
Rick took her hand in his. He looked into her eyes and kissed her softly on the lips. It must had been the alcohol or the atmosphere or the fiery passion they both shared which carried them away to momentary paroxysm where they both fell to the floor a tangle of trembling limbs.
Ella didn't care that such action could even result to her conception. To think there were times when she could have been careless with Jerome and shared such an intimacy with him. Yet, they always held back and stayed careful and awaiting for the right time to raise their family.
"I don't want to ruin our future, Jerome!" she remembered telling him during one of those moments with him. "I can always pull you to bed with me any time, forget about things. Yet together with that, I can also trap you in a responsibility which neither both of us are yet prepared to take."
"Of course, there are ways. We need to be responsible." Jerome had assured her then. "There will always be a room for having children in the future for us. For you, I will wait." And for five long years, Jerome had been very responsible and understanding with her.
But the sacrament of discretion was shattered for one night when Ella gave herself to Rick the way she had never given herself to any man. Yet, surprisingly, there was no regret on her part. There was only fear for what lies beyond.
The affair went on for a couple of months until she found out she was carrying Rick's baby. And there were other facts to be considered, too. She was jobless. She had a problem with alcohol. There was an upcoming proposal from Jerome who until that moment didn't know about her other world and escapades. And Rick…he was just another young soul who got entangled with her complicated life.
Where does everything fit in? She asked herself looking at the half-filled cup of coffee. She got up and dialed Jerome's number.
"It looks good on my hand!" she said when Jerome finally arrived at Orbit. "It fits so well!"
Jerome looked around him alienated by the atmosphere of the bar. He was often invited to go to these places but he had always refused. "I see you're wearing the ring. Does this mean—" he began to say.
She cut him off in mid-sentence, "I've been thinking a lot lately! And I guess there are so many things you don't know about me. I don't know where to start. I have changed a lot."
"This is a 24-hour joint, isn't it? I have all the time to listen!" Jerome insisted. And thus, she told him everything. It was harder than she thought it would be. But how harder can it get to hide from the truth when all she wanted was to be free?
"Why?" was all Jerome could say.
"Because I was so tired of being somebody for somebody else! I just wanted to prove that I, too, can screw things up! That I'm also human who can make mistakes and it's alright!" Ella said, allowing her tears which she held back for so long to flow freely. "Sometimes, it is easier when you're not the best, then when you lose, it's okay!"
"But it's not okay and you know it!" Jerome said.
"Yeah, messing things up is not easy when you lose so much!" Ella said. "I lost almost everything!"
"Almost! What is left is more important. It is how you know what's really yours to keep," Jerome said. "You didn't lose me. You need me more this time!"
Ella looked at him and said, "Of all people, why did I have to hurt you? You don't deserve me." She took off the ring on her finger and stared at it one last time. "Just like a drunk, I will go home even if two steps backwards would carry me farther from where I was standing. I will stand up and climb again, even if I will do most of the stumbling down. It will be difficult but together with having the right to make mistakes is to be responsible for them."
"I want to be there for you," Jerome said.
"And you will be!" Ella said, slipping the ring into his palm and closing it softly. "As a friend!"
Ella blurted out the next night when she met Rick at the bar. "I am pregnant! I think you should know! This is your baby!"
Rick fidgeted in his seat averting her gaze. "I know this would ha
ppen! I'll take full responsibility. But you know my situation right now. It may be a little difficult for both of us!"
Ella smiled. Deep in her heart, she would always care about Rick. She reached out and lightly touched the tips of his fingers. "I don't want you to burden yourself with this. Go find yourself first and make a mark! Enjoy your youth and grow up! I won't hold it against you! I will have this baby by myself. And this child will know you are the father."
"Don't you want us to become a family?" Rick asked this time meeting her eyes. "Don't you want me to be there for both of you?"
"Maybe someday!" Ella said. "We are both broken by this time. Let's heal ourselves first and be complete. For then, it will only be the time we can fully share ourselves to others. And love others, too—completely."
Indeed, it was what she didn't learn—to love herself the way she was. With the new life she was carrying inside her, everything fitted so well. A genuine friendship was formed. The meaning of responsibility was inculcated. Healing was in process. And love…true love will soon grow. What an interlude, the real thing…life— was yet to follow.
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