by J. M. Dabney
“You know you can’t keep her right?”
He smiled sadly at Brent’s whisper.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Maybe if you just talked to him, son, he did come to you first.”
“He panicked, I’m a school teacher, a rational decision.” He tried to brush it off, but there was a hopeful part of himself that held onto the thought that Win had needed him. That would be like a dream come true.
“You are beyond stubborn,” Brent muttered.
“I learned from the best.” As he whispered, he rubbed soothing circles over Bella’s back.
“Goodnight, don’t stay up too late walking her.”
“I won’t,” he promised, and when his dad disappeared, he breathed a sigh of relief.
Troy didn’t need his stupidity thrown in his face, even if his father tried to be gentle about it. Sometimes he thought it would be better to hold a less rigid standard. Put away his dreams for his life. Ignore the last of his goals. The man who played a starring role in most of his fantasies slept in his bed, not in the way he wished, yet Win was still there.
Maybe it was time to find those dreams elsewhere, with someone else. His heart broke at the revelation and figured he could learn to live with the pain.
Three months later…
The echo of tiny feet pounding on the floor brought a smile to his face. Months of having Bella in his life brought him endless happiness. They’d just received the final paperwork for Bella’s guardianship, and Win had started the process of changing her name. Win, well, all of them, had lived in a constant state of panic that something would go wrong. He hadn’t doubted Bella belonged to Win. Every day she turned into more of a carbon copy of Win, and they loved her more with each passing second.
He looked forward to every day he could be with her. He’d done everything from doing her hair to dropping her off and picking her up from daycare. He imagined he did all the things a Dad would do, but with the realization made him acknowledge he’d only ever be her fun Uncle.
“Troy, Dad said I’m staying with you and Grandpa,” Bella squealed.
That was exactly the reason they waited to tell Bella anything. He leaned back in his desk chair and barely caught thirty pounds of hyper, little girl before she jumped into his arms.
“That’s right, but it’s just you and Grandpa tonight. I have to go out.”
“Another date?” Bella rolled her eyes. A bad habit she’d picked up from him.
He never should’ve told her he had a date last time. Troy combed soft, black hair back from her face. Win never got the ponytail tight enough—the man swore it would rip her hair out. “I’m going out with friends.”
“But it’s our time.”
“I’ll be there in the morning. We’ll have all day together, I promise.”
Brent demanded one weekend a month of Grandpa time, he’d demand more if he could and Win probably wouldn’t deny him. Although, this time around they had Bella all to themselves for a week while Win met up with friends for their yearly trip.
“We go to the bookstore…you promised a new book.”
“Of course, we’ll do lunch and the park too.”
“You’re spoiling her, Troy.” Win’s tone was amused.
“I can’t help it.” Troy nearly bit his tongue when he looked up to see Win framed in the doorway. The white t-shirt and ragged cargo shorts showed off tanned skin and ink. He’d only seen the man that exposed the night he’d taken custody of Bella.
“You sure y’all want her for a whole week? I can cancel the run.”
Win had repeatedly tried to back out of his yearly run with his friends. The man was experiencing a heavy amount of regret for leaving Bella even for a handful of days. Win had a lot of guilt and insecurity, but Troy was amazed at how well the man had taken to fatherhood. He’d seen Win go from a nervous wreck to competent man who anticipated Bella’s needs.
“You take this trip one week every year. I can handle Bella. We have plans.”
“I heard.” An odd emotion darkened Win’s gaze.
“Dad.” Bella jumped from Troy’s lap. “Give me.” She took her bag and tried to push Win out of the office. “We have plans.” Troy tried not to laugh but failed miserably.
“Why does my daughter love you more than me?” Win asked.
Sadness tinged the question, and Troy sobered. He stood and closed the distance between them. That was where Win’s uncertainty flared the most when Bella seemed to show favoritism.
“She doesn’t,” Troy assured him. It didn’t work. “Hey, she’s independent. That’s actually a good thing.”
“If you say so,” Win muttered.
The big man crouched down, and Bella threw her arms around his neck.
“I love you,” Bella whispered, and Win hugged her tight.
Troy smiled, even as he felt isolated. The dates, the nights out with friends, nothing changed the way he felt about Win. In some ways, it became worse over the last few months, because of Bella they’d spent more time together. That wall still existed between him, the aura of secrets kept, yet Win refused to soften, except with Bella.
“See,” Troy said.
Win straightened with Bella still held in his arms. “I love you too.”
The older man whispered in his daughter’s ear so quietly that Troy almost missed the words.
“Give Troy a hug, Dad,” Bella insisted.
Troy’s eyes widened, and he shook his head. “I’m sure he doesn’t…” His excuse cut off as a thick arm wrapped around his shoulders. Troy held his breath, his left arm slid along Win’s lower back, and his right hand came to rest on Win’s slightly soft stomach. His skin was warm and hair-roughened. Troy inhaled through his nose taking in the clean scent of soap and the subtle edge of sweat.
“Am I interrupting?” Brent’s amused voice cut through the moment, yet Win didn’t immediately move away.
“Grandpa,” Bella screamed and wiggled until Win put her down.
“How’s my beautiful granddaughter today?” Brent crouched down and hugged Bella to him.
His dad was getting stronger every day, and he could see the physical changes in the building of muscle mass. Although, something was off in his dad’s normally upbeat personality. As much as it concerned him, the few times he’d tried to get his dad to talk, Brent had changed the subject.
“I have my stuff.”
“I know, I came to get you so we can go home. We’re going to watch movies and have dinner.”
“Miller coming?”
Troy noticed a hesitation preceding Brent’s answer. “If you want him too, we’ll call him when we get home.”
Brent hated to share his time with Bella, but often Miller was included on Grandpa Weekends.
Brent casting his gaze between Win and himself made him realize he still stood flush to Win’s side. Troy stepped away quickly.
“You’re not going out with Miller tonight?” Win asked.
Troy felt Win’s gaze as a heavy weight.
“No.” That was the only answer he could give. He didn’t want to admit he had a date, and he’d told Bella he’d be out with friends.
“I better go, have fun and be good.” Win kissed Bella bye and left without another word.
“Son…” Brent started.
“I don’t want to hear it. You and Bella have fun tonight…tomorrow she’s all mine.”
“You’re only making yourself miserable, Troy.”
“What else am I supposed to do, Dad? Let’s drop it…I don’t want to talk about it.” He nodded towards Bella.
“Soon you’re going to have to figure out what you want, and it isn’t dates with strangers that’ll never compare.”
Troy opened his mouth to deny it, but Brent was gone before he had the chance. The man didn’t even give him time to say bye to Bella. A rumbling engine turned his attention to the window, he strode quickly across the room and looked outside. Win’s truck and bike trailer were parked in the fenced in area with th
e company trucks. The man and monster of a bike disappeared slowly, and Troy frowned.
It was coming to the point he didn’t know how much more he could take. The odd tension between Win and himself grew by the day. Troy wanted to be closer to the handsome man yet he held himself back. He didn’t want to miss a moment with Bella, and he especially didn’t want to lose Win. His attraction could be held in check; he’d had years of practice.
Finding another man to use as a buffer seemed unfair to a prospective partner. He was going to die alone, and he already knew it. Pessimism existed deep in his DNA. Troy turned to the desk and picked up his phone. He scrolled through his contacts and tapped Miller’s number.
“Hello, thank you for calling Miller’s Shoulder to Weep Upon, how may I assist in your misery today?”
“I’m still debating why we’re friends.”
“No one else would put up with either of us?” Miller suggested.
Troy couldn’t deny it. “That’s true.”
“So, what are you calling me for? More positive reinforcement to keep you from getting your claws into cuddly Winston?”
Troy fell back into the desk chair and nearly squealed when the chair felt as if it was about to tip. He could already see the headline. Neurotic Gay Man Dies During Run in with Office Chair. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I have a date tonight.”
“Really, who have you lowered your standards for?”
“I ran into a guy I remember from college at a coffeehouse near the office. He asked did I want to get some dinner or something.”
“Or something?”
“I’m not putting out.” Part of him feared it was an item on tonight’s itinerary.
“Of course you’re not. In your mind, fucking someone else would be”—Miller gasped annoyingly—“cheating.”
“Who would I be cheating on?” Troy asked the idiotic question. They’d known each other so long they could practically read each other’s minds.
“Really? You’re going to ask me that?”
“It wouldn’t be cheating—”
“Since Bella has shown up, you and Win have become almost friends. You’re already co-parenting.”
“We’re not co—”
“Stop right there, take a moment to breathe deep, exhale and examine your unfinished denial.” The tone was a pure mockery, and Miller didn’t make any attempt to disguise it.
“Win doesn’t have a family.”
“Oh no, my protesting friend, you have more than simple altruistic intentions towards our token bad-boy biker.”
“Why is it every time I call you I end up regretting it?”
“Because you’re still stupid enough to think I'm going to coddle you.”
“I’m feeling so much better about myself.”
“You’re welcome. Now, hang up the damn phone. Go on your date. And please just try to loosen your morals and get laid.”
“I’m hanging up. Love you, Miller, but, who the hell knows why?” Troy disconnected the call with Miller’s laughter still ringing in his head. He needed new friends. Pushing to his feet, he walked from behind the desk towards the bathroom and grabbed the garment bag. Time to get ready for the date he still wasn’t looking forward to.
6
The chime from his phone dragged Win out of his contemplation of the now lukewarm beer in front of him. Beer with his buddies sounded like a great idea on their second stop of day two in some no-name little town in the middle of Louisiana. He picked up his phone and swiped his thumb across the screen. Troy’s name popped up, the smiley face and media message had him opening it as quickly as possible.
Luckily, the signal was strong enough to download the picture. A weird snort-chuckle hybrid caught at the back of his throat. He was so glad that the music was loud enough to drown out that embarrassing sound. Troy was lying in a pit of colorful balls, Bella perched on his stomach as he held the phone out. Her hair was a tangled mess, and her cheeks were pink. He could tell she and Troy were laughing. His tensed muscles relaxed. It was the farthest he’d been away from his daughter since she’d moved in.
Even when she was at Brent’s house, it was easy to hop on his motorcycle if he missed her, but he couldn’t run to her two states away. The time away was harder than he thought it would be. After only a few months, his life was ruled by his daughter—the routine they’d started. Mornings began early, so he had time to get Bella ready and off to daycare and him to work on time. His evenings were either picking Bella up from daycare or Troy’s. Tucking her in at night was one of the highlights of his day.
Like Troy said it was only a week, but it seemed a lot more than that. He and his friends never planned where they’d go; they’d pick a direction and take off for a week. The five of them were the only ones who made it out of their neighborhood alive or with their freedom, yet all were stained with similar sins.
“What you looking at?”
He turned to find Samson staring at him with cold dead eyes. The army ranger seemed to have gotten worse, and his gaze turned harsher and angrier the more years that past.
“Troy sent a picture of him and Bella.”
“Troy? Is that the kid you can’t wait to bend over?”
He didn’t like his friend mentioning bending over Troy even in joking. Troy was sweet and the forever kind, he didn’t need Samson sullying Troy with inappropriate comments. His friends knew he was bisexual. Samson was gay, and any ass would do, his friend only fucked and never exchanged names. He had a feeling that Samson being in the military and the way they grew up, that the man had an unhealthy amount of internalized homophobia.
“Samson, it’s not like that, and I don’t want to hear your bullshit.”
“Easy, calm down, let me see this daughter.” Win hesitated before he turned the phone for Samson to see. “Cute kid, but that Troy he’d be…” Samson smirked. He knew that look, and he despised it being directed at Troy.
He jerked the phone away and slammed his fist on the bar. Rage burned beneath his skin like a fire sucking all the happiness—the oxygen he needed to breathe—from around him. Win realized when he was with Bella and Troy the anger he’d never controlled in the past wasn’t there.
“Why isn’t this kid more than your babysitter?”
“What?”
“Come on, Win, think about it.”
“He’s my friend and Bella’s honorary uncle.”
“No, in the past if it wasn’t a no-strings fuck you weren’t interested. You want more and don’t—” The chiming of his phone sounded again cutting Samson off.
Win couldn’t resist checking again, hit the message and a video started playing. “Say hi to Dad, Bella.”
“Hi, Dad, look!” She squealed and ran out of the frame.
The camera panned to the left and Bella stood beside a bike, it was the pinkest bike he’d ever seen. Bella hopped on, and she started pedaling. The only thing keeping her upright was the training wheels. Oh man, he should’ve been there for that, but Win had a feeling Troy knew, and that was the reason Troy sent the video.
The camera turned, and a smiling Troy rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I know, I spoil her rotten, but this was Grandpa’s doing. I just bought her tons of ice cream.” The camera went back to Bella. “Tell Dad bye, and you love him.” Bella waved, and the video stopped. There was the tightening in his chest and stomach again, an odd rolling feeling. He missed Bella, but he also missed Troy.
Clay came up on his left. “Nice of him to send you stuff so you don’t miss her. She looks just like you, well, except for the build.” Clay had a daughter of his own on the way in a few months.
“Yeah, nice of him, man,” Samson’s said.
“He’s a nice guy, sweet and Bella loves him.”
“He loves her too. You never talked about him much.” That was Clay, way too preceptive. Win was in the process of resisting playing the video again so he could just see his two favorite people.
“Not much to say. He’s my boss’ son, h
e’s a kindergarten teacher, and he’s been great since Bella came to live with me. He helped me get through the panic at the beginning. I wouldn’t have known what to do without him.”
“Doesn’t hurt he’s hot,” Clay said with a chuckle. His beefy shoulder nudged Win’s.
The thing was, it didn’t bother him when the awkward redhead said Troy was hot, yet when Samson said the same, he wanted to take the man’s head off.
It didn’t matter, Troy had a date the other night, and the younger man didn’t seem to want to tell him for whatever reason. Him seeing people shouldn’t matter, Troy wasn’t his, but tell his possessive instincts that. The strange thing was, Win never saw himself as the jealous type because he never stuck around longer than a night or two.
His phone went off again.
Troy: Hope you’re having fun. Bella wants to say goodnight. Can you talk?
Win: Sure. Give me 5. Need to walk outside.
Troy: K
“I’ll be right back, Bella wants to say good night.”
“Your beer is already hot. I’ll order you another one while you’re outside saying goodnight to the husband and kid.”
Samson was determined to lose teeth before this week was out. He slipped from the stool and walked towards the exit.
The door barely closed behind him, and he connected the call. It rang only twice, and Troy’s voice sounded in his ear. “Hey, Win,” Troy sounded sleepy and too sexy. Was Troy already in bed, fuck, he wished he was there.
What would you do? You don’t even have the balls to ask him out.
“Thanks for the texts.”
“You’re welcome. I hope it was okay.”
“More than okay, I missed her.”
“I’m sure. I hate when you pick her up. I love tucking her in at night.”
“Is she ready for bed?”
“Yes, and waiting to talk to you. Here.”
He heard sheets rustling and he pictured—Win stopped the direction of his thoughts.
“Hi, Dad, when you coming home?”
“Soon, baby, I promise. But you have Troy and Grandpa, also Miller.”
