Becca looked like some kind of war raged inside her. Her expression remained dark, focused. Becca’s mouth was open, and her lips trembled as if she had something profound to say but it wouldn’t come out.
“I’m listening,” Dani whispered.
Becca slowly moved closer. Dani shuffled backward. Her back hit the counter.
“Dani, I…” Becca paused and glanced at her lips. Her breathing stuttered.
Dani gripped at the edge of the counter. There was only a little space between them, but it felt as if Becca was already deep inside her.
“I really don’t think you have any idea how hard it was to turn you away two days ago or how hard it is now.”
Why fight it? Maybe whatever was between them would finally burn itself out and they’d be free. “It doesn’t have to be.”
Becca gasped, and in that moment, time slowed. Dani was outside herself watching as Becca crashed into her, but when their lips touched, she slammed back into her body, whimpering as Becca’s tongue tangled with her own. Becca pinned Dani against the counter. Her hands were frantic, pulling at Dani’s T shirt.
When Becca finally touched skin, she shuddered. Dani arched into the caress, inching up her torso, chasing the heat left behind. Her nipples tingled and hardened in preparation. Becca knew exactly what she was doing. Dani’s breasts were ultra-sensitive, so when Becca’s fingertips actually skimmed the area, Dani, even with an abundance of self knowledge, was nowhere near ready for the results.
She cried out.
Becca moaned. Both sounds were muffled by their kiss.
Dani gripped hard at Becca’s shoulders. That floating feeling was back, and she wanted to make sure she had a tether. When Becca’s hands slid over her breasts, grasping and kneading, Dani was cleaved in two and exposed like an unprotected nerve. Each caress left her burning, raw.
She tore away from the kiss and whimpered brokenly, realizing that she couldn’t catch her breath. Becca plucked at Dani’s nipples as her lips trailed over her neck, and each flash of pleasure caused a corresponding pull between Dani’s legs, leaving her swollen and slick.
As Dani’s shirt was pushed up, Becca’s mouth moved downward, grazing Dani’s left nipple before covering it completely and sucking at her like she’d been dying from thirst.
“Fuck!” Dani cried out.
Becca groaned and took her in deeper, flicking and swirling her tongue before adding teeth to the mix.
Wanting to watch herself being devoured, Dani dipped her head only to see nearly her entire breast in Becca’s mouth. She closed her eyes, but there was no darkness, just flashes of light behind her eyelids. Heat more powerful than before rolled through her, pooled low, and pushed itself outward. She couldn’t press her thighs together with Becca between them, so her hips undulated helplessly. Her sex clenched, and without a doubt, Dani knew that just having Becca’s mouth on her breast was going to be enough to pave the way for orgasm.
It wouldn’t be the first time.
For some reason, that acknowledgment tipped the scales as fear climbed on too. The added vulnerability made Dani even more afraid, but she didn’t want this to end. It just needed to happen her way. She wrapped a hand in Becca’s hair and yanked her away. Dani’s body cried out in protest. It was almost a physical pain, but most importantly, the fear abated.
Becca’s eyes were lidded and her mouth swollen. She looked drunk, pliable. Perfect.
Dani brought their lips together once more, but Becca’s hands continued to map her torso, spreading fire. When fingers closed in on her breasts again, Dani slapped them away and turned the tables, flipping their positions.
Refusing to give up, Becca slid her hands down the back of Dani’s sweatpants, palming her ass roughly. Dani moaned and almost gave in again. It took some doing, but she was able to regain control. Dani pressed Becca’s hands against the counter, silently demanding that they stay. She gazed down at Becca. Her pupils were blown. She blinked rapidly and struggled to breathe.
“Wha…what are you doin’? I need to—” Becca’s voice was husky.
Dani tried to quiet her with a heated kiss. She bit into Becca’s bottom lip and swiped it with her tongue. “Let me…”
Becca whimpered. Yet again, she wrapped her arms around Dani as if they belonged there and found skin. Her touch was firm, demanding, and a bit desperate.
Dani wanted to drown in it, but instead she pushed Becca away, pressing her hands back against the countertop.
Becca’s expression changed from aroused to confused. “Dani?”
“Shhhh.”
“No…no,” Becca responded.
Dani swallowed as she looked down at her. Becca’s eyes had cleared.
“That night on my couch, it wasn’t just because you needed me so much, was it?”
Dani tried to step away, but Becca wouldn’t let her, grabbing both her arms.
“You won’t let me touch you.” Becca whispered the words as if she couldn’t believe them.
Unable to hold eye contact, Dani dropped her gaze. She didn’t know what to say.
“What kind of shit is that? Look at me.”
Dani did as she was told.
“How is that even okay to you?” Becca’s eyes were wide and filled with anger, hurt, and disbelief.
“I…” Dani paused to clear her throat.
“Is this because I left? Because I hurt you?”
She tried to look down.
“Don’t do that. Look at me, please.”
Dani did.
“You gave up on us,” Becca said. “You know you did. There was no reason to stay. I couldn’t do it all by myself.”
Tears burned Dani’s eyes.
“You stopped listenin’, stopped tryin’ to find balance for us. I wasn’t important to you anymore. I know my part in all that, the way I acted, but I’m not the bad guy here. We both were.” Becca’s tone wasn’t cruel, scathing, or even angry, but it was matter of fact.
Dani shook her head. Guilt crept up on her. “No, that’s—”
“Yes,” Becca interrupted. “Yes, and if you can’t accept that, how do I know the same thing won’t happen again?” Becca put a hand over her own mouth but pulled it away a few seconds later. “I’ve been avoidin’ that question, but I can’t anymore. I don’t want just a quick fuck from you. I wanna see where all these feelings lead. I know that’s stupid and dangerous, but I can’t help it.” Becca’s lips trembled as she smiled, and her eyes were full of sadness.
Hearing those words caused an almost unbearable warmth to filter through Dani like the sun was shining directly on her, but at the same time, a chill remained, working its way through as well.
“I’m not sure what you want from me,” Becca continued. “I don’t think you are either, but to be fair you have to figure it out. I may have been an asshole four years ago, but after everythin’ that’s happened these past couple months, don’t you think I deserve more? I actually believe we both do.”
“Becca…” Dani closed her mouth. Everything inside her was jumbled up, and she didn’t want the wrong thing to get out, making the situation worse.
“I should go. I said what I came here to say. I didn’t mean for anythin’ else to happen. I just got kinda lost…in you.” Becca let go of Dani’s arms. Then she reached for the edges of Dani’s T-shirt and pulled it down over her bare stomach. It was that sweet gesture that finally made Dani’s tears fall. She had fought so hard at first to keep Becca out of her life, and now the thought of her leaving again made her hollow.
Dani wiped at her face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t… You can’t just—”
“I’m not goin’ anywhere, Dani,” Becca said. “I’m home. I don’t know what I can be to you, but I do know I can’t be this, not with the way things are.” She waved a hand between them at the obvious closeness.
Not
knowing what else to do, Dani moved back.
Becca eased past her. As she exited the kitchen and walked into the living room, Becca glanced over her shoulder. “I’ll text you later, okay?”
Dani bit her bottom lip and nodded. There were so many feelings that she couldn’t decipher them all. She wanted to call out to Becca. She wanted to let her go. She wanted her arms around her. She wanted to feel safe and unafraid, but in the end, Dani just stood there. When the door closed, she was even lonelier than before.
At least Becca was going to text.
Chapter 24
Rebecca was going to do her best to fake it until she made it where Dani was concerned. In a short time, she had gotten used to so much all over again—Dani’s touch, her laugh, her voice, and so much more, but she had no choice. She had to take a step back so that Dani could figure out if she could move forward. But Becca couldn’t, wouldn’t, cut her out completely. They were beyond that and nowhere near the kids they’d been four years ago.
On the surface, doing this seemed noble, but there was finally a bit of self preservation involved as well, despite the bravado that had gotten her this far. She leaned back in her chair and put her hands on her head. This whole thing had been keeping her up at night. Not calling Dani had been more difficult than she’d thought it would be, but nothing about this situation was simple.
Alvin stopped at her desk, snatching a pastry out of the nearly empty box that always seemed to be sitting there.
She could feel him looking at her. “What?”
“Are you pouting because your boy is off today? It kinda looks like it.”
“How would you know? We’re not that close.”
He shrugged. “All women look the same doin’ it. It’s easy to spot, with the bottom lip all poked out and the sad-puppy expression.”
Rebecca glared at him.
Alvin smiled. “What?”
“That wasn’t the least bit sexist at all.”
“No, it wasn’t.” He nodded in agreement.
“Uh-huh. Go tell Benz that, then. See what she thinks about it.”
Alvin pursed his lips. “Nah, that’s okay.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“You still have the sad dog eyes, just to let you know.”
“Well, again, thank you so much.”
“I’m not Iyanla, so I’m not about fixing your life.”
Rebecca huffed. This was getting better by the second. “Good, leave Iyanla on the Oprah Winfrey Network where she belongs, and this is when I say you’re bein’ an asshole.”
“I know, but hear me out. I got a case. You want in on it? Might help you get your mind off of whatever.” Alvin crossed his arms over his chest.
She eyed him. “Emmet turned you down, didn’t he?”
“In the hallway, thirty seconds ago. He said he wasn’t up for me today. I mean, I can work this by myself…”
Rebecca laughed. “What do you have?”
“Don’t know everythin’ yet. Got a call from downstairs that they’re kickin’ up to us because they don’t have any leads. The kid’s father is on his way up. Should be here any second.”
“Okay, I’m in.” She needed something and hoped that it was indeed juicy enough to keep her occupied.
Dani had gone through the past thirty-six hours partially anesthetized. She was familiar with the feeling—or lack thereof. She had experienced it plenty, years ago, but then it had come in cycles, followed closely by rage. This time, Dani wasn’t sure if the anger would come. What did she have to be mad at? She already knew she had the capacity to be a horrible person. Becca hadn’t told her anything new.
Her daily life was all part of a routine, so she went through the motions. The situation would have been much simpler if she’d been able to block everyone out, but she’d just started walking, and reverting back to crawling would only hamper her further. As a result, she added a smile and common courtesy to everyone she encountered, whether they returned the gesture or not. It wasn’t much, but at least she was trying.
Home was a different story altogether. Unable to turn her mind off, she barely slept but spent hours trying to sift through the past ten years of her life, doing her best to catalogue her mistakes and failures and compare them to the victories to see which ones carried the most weight. In some cases, she found herself lacking. So tonight, instead of tossing, turning, and thinking, she had plans to work a double and do something positive with her time.
However, it was just past eight. Her focus should have been on her patients, charting, research, and various other activities, but the only information her brain could retain were thoughts of Becca, which vacillated between rewind and a slow playback of the night before last. Recalling the look on Becca’s face and the conviction behind her words sent a stabbing pang right to the pit of her stomach. So maybe this time her cycle was going to be a combination of numbness and pain.
Becca wanted her. She wanted them. She wanted a relationship. This news didn’t surprise Dani even though it should have, which led her to believe that somewhere deep down, she’d known. When it came down to it, Dani had no idea if she was capable of giving Becca what she needed. How would she find balance when that was something she never really had? There would always be a patient, an emergency, and the need to dedicate herself to whatever hospital she worked for. Rick understood all that, and Becca had initially tried. Obviously, Becca felt she’d changed enough to try again. Dani wasn’t sure that was true.
As for the other things Becca had said, Dani closed her eyes and stopped pretending that she was working at all. She pushed her iPad away. The other things. There were many sides to a story, and theirs was no exception. The screaming matches, the hurt feelings, and near the end, there were times Dani hadn’t even wanted to go home. Yes, she had participated, and at the time, Dani had been convinced that Becca was asking for the impossible: time she couldn’t give and promises she couldn’t keep.
Becca should have been prepared. They’d talked many, many times about the ways medical school, residency, and so on could be consuming, but the more Becca had demanded, the more Dani felt pushed beyond her limits. The anger had come then and hung around. This was Dani’s perception of the entire awful mess, and no matter how many ways she looked at it, she came right back to where she started.
Dani stared at her cell phone. It lay face down on the table. She itched with the need to reach out for it. Becca had kept her word. She texted, but their texts seemed to be nothing more than obligatory. How are you? How was your day? No trips down memory lane to make her laugh. No charm or swagger. It was as if someone had hit a reset button so that she could get another look, another chance. Dani had to stop and find another way. The road she had taken so far had gotten her nowhere.
Compared to her, Becca had experienced something else completely. If Becca could have walked in her shoes, and vice versa, maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so bad. Dani laughed out loud because that had been an issue then, and it was still an issue now. Her unwillingness to see things from Becca’s point of view meant she hadn’t been listening. Dani covered her face with her hands. Nothing that had been said was news to her. It was a lot to choke down through her own off-colored filter, but through Becca’s?
Dani ripped her hands away from her face and leaned back in her chair. She shook her head as if the sense she needed would break free. It didn’t. It didn’t matter who was right, wrong, or even worse. Dani was in her last year of residency, but after that was three more years of fellowship training. Her life would be just as chaotic probably even more so that first year, with long hours and increased demands on her time. They would indeed end up exactly where they’d been before. Dani was so mentally tired, and therapy was a couple of days away. Not that there was some magic answer, because there wasn’t.
She didn’t know how to fix any of it, and she didn’t know if she ha
d the energy to keep trying. However, the thought of Becca being even farther out of reach gave her pause. Dani cared, of course she did, but she needed to sort her feelings out. She needed to breathe. She needed some resolution. She needed…so many things.
Her cell phone beeped. Dani picked it up quickly only to see a text from Rick.
Worked late but I’m gettin ready 2 leave. U home or at hospital?
She typed out her reply. Working a double. In peds resident lounge.
K. Stay put be up in a min
Dani was surprised he was going home instead of to Sandra’s. Maybe she was working the graveyard shift. Everyone around her was going on with their lives. She wanted to know how to do that too. A few minutes later, the door swished open, and Dani glanced up.
Rick smiled. “Hey, stranger.”
She smiled back. It was hard and maybe selfish not to. He looked so happy. “Hey, yourself. Sandra working late?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I still coulda crashed at her place, but I figured…” Rick shrugged. “Not that you’re some kind of afterthought or anythin’.”
“It’s okay. I get it.” Dani waved his words away.
“Well, since you’re workin’, I guess I’m on my own anyway. Why aren’t you in one of the study rooms? More privacy.”
“I’m usually good at tuning everyone out. Nobody bothers me anyway unless they need something.”
“Huh, okay. I guess I could go see what Becca’s up to.”
Dani swallowed. “I guess you can.” She did her best to keep her tone neutral.
Rick pulled out a chair and sat down. “So, Thanksgivin’.”
“What about it?”
He stared at her and shook his head. “It’s next week.”
“No, it’s not.” It was a little disarming that time had passed so quickly.
“Fourth Thursday in November. That’s when it always happens, but I’m way ahead of you. Ordered a fried turkey from Popeye’s last month. Sandra is doin’ a thing with her family earlier that day. She’s still comin’ over, and since you and Becca are tryin’ to be whatever it is you’re tryin’ to be, she’d be comin’ too. Maybe there won’t be so many leftovers with four of us.”
Drawing the Line Page 24
