The Weight Of Us

by Glenna Maynard

  After four days, the sexual tension between us is at an all-time high along with my anxiety. I’ve had to have my dosage upped on my medication to cope. I’m drinking more than I’d like and so is Audrey.

  I don’t know what came over me when I asked her to go to the fair. Lewis is closing tonight so I thought we could both use some time away from the bar. A little fun and a chance to cut loose.

  I’m waiting out back by my motorcycle when I see Audrey walking toward me.

  She’s breathtaking in her dark skinny jeans and graphic tee. My lips immediately tug into a smile. “You ever been on a motorcycle?” I question, noting her nervous expression as teeth graze over her bottom lip.

  She shakes her head. “No.” I explain to her how to get off and on first. Telling her where to put her feet on the pegs and how she should sit, keeping her arms secure around my waist and not lean when I take a curve or corner.

  I go over the directions with her twice just to be sure she gets it. I’ve been riding my bike since I got back, but I haven’t ridden with a passenger since before I left for the Army.

  When I hand her a helmet she scrunches her nose. “That will totally flatten my hair,” she whines.

  “Better your hair to be flat than banging your head on the pavement if something were to go wrong.”

  “True. Very true.” I get on first and tell her to use my shoulder for balance if she can’t get her leg over.

  Once Audrey is on with her arms snug around my waist I set off on the short drive to the fairgrounds.

  She does good for a new rider. I only have to remind her not to lean once.

  We arrive at the fair and I pay for our tickets and parking.

  I’m tempted to take her hand in mine, but don’t want to make her feel awkward as we stroll through food vendors making our way past the games to the rides.

  “What first? Ladies’ choice,” I tell her.

  “Do you promise not to laugh if I tell you something?”

  “Of course,” I answer, knowing it’s a promise I can’t keep.

  “I’ve never been on a ride before?”

  “Never? Not even a carousel?”

  “Nope.”

  “Ferris Wheel?”

  She shakes her head and I take her hand in mine, liking all too much the way it feels. “We’re gonna have to do something about that. Are you scared of heights?”

  “Kinda.”

  I am tempted to take her straight to the Ferris Wheel, so she’ll hopefully stay closer to me, but I don’t. “We’ll do the bumper cars first.”

  “I’m a terrible driver,” she confesses.

  I chuckle, and we get in line.

  Audrey wasn’t kidding. She can’t drive for shit but the smile she wears while she keeps getting hit from all sides says she is taking it all in stride. I attempted to come to her aide a few times, but those middle school aged kids were brutal. I think it was their way of flirting with her and I can’t say that I blame them.

  “I think you have a fan club,” I tell her as I help her from her car, nodding my head toward the group of giggling boys starting at us.

  “Doubtful They are probably buzzing about my terrible driving skills.”

  I want to tell her it is because she is so beautiful but refrain.

  We make our rounds, riding the spider, the tilter whirl, and finally the Ferris Wheel.

  “I don’t know if I can do this. That looks really high.” She stares up as the wheel rotates as people get off and new ones get on. “Will we be stopped up top like that?” Her face looks a little green.

  “Possibly, but I’ll protect you.” I wink, and she blushes.

  It’s our turn to get on and Audrey grabs my hand in her shaky clammy one. “Hey, we don’t have to if you’re scared,” I tell her in all seriousness.

  She lets out a deep breath. “No, I want to.”

  We sit on the bucket seats and Audre clings to me when we move forward, and our bucket starts to rock.

  “Should it be moving like this?” She stares deep into my eyes and I wonder what she’d do if I kissed her? I can feel her breath on my neck as she leans into me. I hug her body closer to mine as we make our way back and around as the rest of the seats are filled.

  We are stopped at the top looking out over the fair. All the lights and the noise would normally bother me but focusing on Audrey is keeping me in control.

  “Wow.” She breathes the word out softly. “This is kinda incredible, isn’t it?” The wonderment of a child shines in her eyes and I am mesmerized by only her in this moment.

  I tilt her chin in my direction, staring deeply in her eyes. “Thank you…for this.”

  “No thanks needed.”

  “It’s just I feel sorta weird.” Audrey turns away and the ride starts up. “For the first time since everything that happened, I’ve been able to get my mind off it and we are having such a good time…I feel…”

  “Guilty,” I finish for her.

  “Yeah,” she replies and the moment between us is lost.

  “You ever had a funnel cake?” I ask once the ride is over.

  “No.”

  “Come on. You haven’t truly experienced the fair until you’ve eaten one and won a stuffed animal.”

  We continue the night laughing, eating junk food, and playing games. I won her a fish in a bowl but being on my bike we have no way of getting it home. There’s a young girl trying desperately to win one for her little brother and I can’t help but grin when Audrey gives them ours.

  “You have to promise me, you’ll take care of him,” she tells the pair going into a spiel about the proper care. One day she will make a great mother.

  All the talk my family put into my head about Audrey keeps creeping its way in, worming a hole in my heart that can only be filled by her.

  I shouldn’t want her, but I do.

  The ride home is quiet, and I wish I knew what she is thinking.

  A full day has passed. Audrey has felt cold and distant. She’s avoiding me. Maybe the fair was too much too soon. I’m trying to give her space. I know she is still grieving my brother. God knows I would give anything to bring him back. I’d gladly take his place but there is a part of me, a very selfish part of me that wants to keep Audrey for myself.

  I’ve never really had anyone good. Audrey doesn’t see it yet, but maybe she could be my good.

  We’re closing together, and she’s had a few shots too many. All of our customers have taken off, including our staff.

  I’m wiping down the counter when I see her take to the stage. She’s stumbling, and her makeup is smeared.

  Thunder rumbles making her jump. The lights flicker, and she starts to sing, The Thunder Rolls, by Garth Brooks.

  I can’t help but chuckle, not only at her choice of song, but also at the way she prances around the stage as though she were giving the performance of a lifetime.

  She continues to belt out the lyrics, ignoring my presence completely as I turn the chairs up over the tables.

  I go through the kitchen after making sure the backdoor is locked, and I turn down the lights.

  When I get back out front, Audrey is behind the bar downing another shot. “One for the road.” She holds the glass up in my direction and I shake my head. Under different circumstances, I could easily see myself being able to fall hard for her. Only whenever I think about a future with her, I am reminded of Joe JR and that she was his girl not mine.

  I grab tonight’s deposits to put them in the safe. “If you want to go upstairs, I can handle locking the door,” I offer knowing she needs to get in bed. She’s turned off the sound system and most of the lights. I’m not strong enough to get her upstairs to her bed and leave without touching her a second time. She nods, and I go to the office to finish up.

  After dropping the money in the safe, I grab my keys from the desk and make for the bar. One more beer won’t hurt, and it gives me an excuse to stay down here, instead of upstairs where Audrey is.

  The rai
n starts to pour, and lightning is crackling in the sky. Looks like I’ll be here a bit longer.

  I toss my empty bottle in the trash and play some darts alone in the dark with the storm to keep me company. It isn’t long before fantasies of what could have been had I chose to follow Audrey upstairs take over my thoughts.

  I would wrap my fingers up in her long thick hair, getting a fistful, pulling her head back, and giving her a heated kiss. She’d moan and lean into me as I strip her body bare of any clothes. Her breasts would spill out of her white lace bra, her nipples hard, eager to be teased by my mouth and fingers.

  My cock grows harder the more I imagine touching her, claiming her for my own. I don’t know why I am torturing myself. She doesn’t want me, but the man she cries for is dead and gone.

  I put the darts away and lock the door since the rain is coming down lighter now. Time to go upstairs and jerk off while I think about a woman I shouldn’t crave.

  Chapter 14

  Audrey

  I’ve been sitting the breakfast bar eating toast to chase away the small buzz I had from earlier. It’s late and I’m thinking of things I should leave alone.

  The steady pelts of rain against my windowsill are the only comfort I seek. Joey loved the rain, almost as much as he loved me. Now that he’s gone, the rain is the only thing that brings me peace. Slipping one of his old flannels over my camisole and panties I pad across the apartment stepping out on the covered balcony. The damp breeze blows my hair around my face. I take a seat in the wooden rocker, putting my knees up, and resting my chin on the tops. I feel stupid for thinking of Nate in a sexual manner. My fantasies are keeping me awake.

  I sit and listen as the rain continues to fall. Seeking silence, seeking an escape from all that Joey and I shared. Some days I think I should just pack up and go, but then I catch a glimpse of my neighbor, Joey’s brother—Nate. When look at him…I feel like I can’t breathe. He makes me feel like I could live again. Like I could someday love again.

  He looks so much like his brother, but they are nothing alike. Where Joey was calm and sweet, Nate is loud, cold, and at times rude. He’s a hard man, but for some reason I like knowing he’s next door. I like knowing that there is someone just as fucked up as me in this world.

  I hear him screaming in his sleep and beating against the wall some nights. Natalie says he suffers from PTSD, from the war.

  I don’t know much about combat, but I know a lot about demons stalking you at night, and keeping you awake.

  I stare through the drizzle to the moon, wishing and hoping on a star for time to roll back to that morning so I could force Joey to stay in bed with me. Back to a time when life seemed perfect and easy. A time where things made sense. A time where I didn’t have dirty thoughts about my dead boyfriend’s brother.

  Chilled to the bone, I move to go inside when I notice Nate leaning against our shared railing, staring at the moon, allowing the spray of rain wash over him. I wonder if he’s thinking of me too and wishing that he wasn’t.

  I know I need to go in and give him some privacy, but my feet won’t budge. He’s standing in nothing but a pair of drawstring pajama pants that hang low on his hips. My gaze travels his body, taking in the massive phoenix tattoo that covers his back, I don’t stop checking him out until I reach his bare feet.

  As if he feels the heat of my stare, he turns around facing me.

  “Couldn’t sleep. I never can when it rains. I love the sound too much to let it be wasted.” He rakes his fingers through his hair, and a drop of water hits my exposed thigh sending a shiver down my spine.

  Goosebumps fan across my skin as Nate takes in my disheveled appearance. My dark hair hangs wildly over my shoulders. My nipples are pressing hard against the thin material of my top and I hug Joey’s open shirt closing it around my waist, hiding what I can of my body. “The rain is peaceful,” I agree.

  His brown eyes narrow on me and I feel flushed. “Goodnight, Audrey, enjoy the rain,” he says softly. His arm brushes against mine. A tear slips from the corner of my eye, and I don’t even know why.

  “Nate…” his name comes out in a croak. “You stay,” I call out before he goes in. “Don’t leave on my account.” He pauses by the door. “You want a beer or something?”

  “Yeah or something,” he whispers in a husky drawl that travels straight to my core.

  I swallow and nod. Inside, I grab a pair of sweats, slipping them on quickly, while fetching two Coronas and some lime wedges I stole from downstairs.

  Out on the deck, Nate is sitting in the other rocker. I take my seat back next to him, clinking our bottles together I say, “to the rain.”

  He takes his drink and nods before tossing it back.

  “So, tell me something about Joey, a secret between brothers. A story he would’ve never told me.” I’m trying so hard to remind myself that this man is Joey’s brother and I shouldn’t be thinking what it’d be like to kiss him. We came close on that ride at the fair and it thrilled me. But it also made me feel like a lousy shit.

  He sits quietly thinking back perhaps. He chuckles softly and says, “He ever tell you about the tattoo on the bottom of his big toe?”

  “He told me it was a mole.” I grin faintly remembering first seeing it when I was rubbing his feet.

  “And you bought that?” he shakes his head smiling briefly.

  I take a sip of my beer, twirling the bottle between my fingers under the dim of the moon.

  “He lost a bet. We were at a bar the night before I was leaving for boot camp. We had one drink too many. Joe bet me and Trey he could whistle and make the ghost train appear on the tracks. I told him no way and bet him he had to get a tattoo if he lost. I don’t know if you knew this or not, but my brother was terrified of needles.” His eyes lighten with happiness.

  “No, he never told me that,” I confess.

  “Anyway, we staggered our drunk asses to the tracks. Joe JR climbed up the lamppost halfway and started whistling. The train never showed of course, and well we ended up at the tattoo parlor on fifth street. He was green in the face. Said he wanted to get inked somewhere no one could see. He decided on the bottom of his big toe not knowing it’s one of the most painful spots he could’ve gone with.” Tears tease at the corners of his eyes, dancing around the creases. Nate’s lips lift into a semi-smile as he reflects on that night. “You could hear him across the river he screamed so loud, and all he was getting was a black circle.”

  He continues to shake his head and laugh. I think it’s one of those you had to be there stories, but I smile and laugh along with him. His laugh is contagious. After the laughter dies down, the rain has stopped, and we are left with the silence of our own thoughts—pain, grief, desire. There are so many things I desire but I won’t confess that to him.

  I glance over finding his eyes on my lips. I turn my head finishing my drink. “It’s getting late. Lewis will kill me if I am late opening on his day.”

  When I stand Nate captures my hand. His thumb rubs over my knuckles and his touch affects me more than it should. “Stay just a little while longer. Even an asshole like me gets lonely.”

  “Hey, I tend to fly off at the mouth when I’ve had too much liquor. I can be an asshole too,” I remind him that I haven’t been perfect either.

  “Think nothing of it. We both know what you said was true. I was out of line, Audrey. I’m sorry.” He is apologizing for that day in the storage room.

  His large hand is swallowing mine as he continues to grip it firmly. Sucking in a deep breath, I am afraid to stay, but even more afraid to go. Nate is finally opening up and it is nice to see this gentle side of him like at the fair.

  “Can you forgive me,” he says low, sounding so much like Joey a few of the strings holding up my heart snap.

  Biting back my tears I tell him, “There’s nothing to forgive. Joey was your brother and you don’t know me. I’m an outsider. I can only imagine the terrible things your Ma had to say about me.”

 
; “Actually, she ripped my ass and told me to take it easy on you. She comes off mean, but she cares about you, Audrey. We all do. And as for not knowing you, I am making an effort.”

  I roll my lips inwardly wishing I had my lip balm.

  He lets go of my hand, but raises standing too close, smelling too good, sounding so much like Joey it hurts. Brushing my hair back, Nate says, “I can see why he loved you so much. You’re beautiful in here.” He touches my chest where my heart used to be. This man’s eyes never waiver from mine. I count the seconds as they tick by, scared he will kiss me, scared that he won’t.

  Would Joey damn us for this? For finding comfort in each other when we have both been so broken and lost.

  I wish he could give me an answer. Show me a sign. I now I don’t need his approval, but I want it as much as I want to feel wanted again.

  My heartbeat is in my throat as I wait for one of us to find the courage to make a move.

  Chapter 15

  Nate

  Audrey is meeting my gaze and not backing down. I want to kiss her even if it’s wrong. She’s beautiful. I keep trying to push her away because I am so damn attracted to her its making me feel crazy. I shouldn’t want to make love to my brother’s woman, but he’s not here to stop me. The rain begins to pour down harder than before, blowing in on us as I throw all my reservations over the ledge, bringing my mouth down on hers.

  At first she doesn’t move her lips. I grab her by the back of her head and kiss her again, her trembling hand brushes over my stomach. Her teeth graze my bottom lip as I push my tongue through the inviting part of her mouth. Her breath tastes of Corona and lime, mirroring mine.

  She’s still hesitant, her fingers don’t seem to know where to go, so I show her, wrapping her arm around my waist as I continue to explore her mouth getting consumed by our kiss.

  Her sweet tongue brushes against mine and she moans into my mouth. I go hard at the sound. Her fingers rub across my back in a blaze of fire as her lips move in sync with mine. Kissing Audrey is better than I’ve imagined. Her lips are so soft. So tempting. I can’t get enough. I want more so much more.