by Kaye Kennedy
I gestured to where my family was sitting, but I kept my eyes on the paper. "To us, he was a husband and a father." I pointed to the firefighters in attendance. "To you, he was a brother. And today, we all say goodbye, but I know that my dad will live on in every single one of us. He'll be in our memories, our stories, our actions. Every time I put on my hockey skates, I'll remember the first time my father laced skates to my feet. I'll remember how he came to as many of my practices and games as he could. Dylan, Jesse, and Ryan can say the same. My mom will remember him every time she makes shepherd's pie because it was his favorite. And all of you will remember him when you get on a fire truck or you crawl down a hallway because at some point, he'd been there alongside you."
I could hear my mother crying and bit down hard on my lip. "But I want us all to make a promise to my father today. When we remember him in those moments, we'll smile because when he'd been a part of each of those moments, that's what he had done, and I know that's how my dad would want us to remember him."
I looked over at the coffin draped in the American flag as I folded the paper back up. "We love you, Dad. Always will." I made my way back to my seat and my mother gave me the tightest hug as she cried into my chest.
I ran a hand over her hair. "It's okay, Ma. You've still got us."
After the funeral, our house became a revolving door of visitors toting condolences. I made it until nightfall, but then the overwhelming feeling to get away overtook me and I found myself sneaking out the kitchen and walking to the playground. I sat down on the cold swing and stared off into the distance. It was the first time I'd had silence in days and there was something oddly comforting, but also unsettling about it.
While I'd been occupied with making arrangements, I hadn't had the time to think about reality. When I'd been home, I'd made sure my family had been taken care of. Sitting there in silence, it was the first time I didn't have a distraction. It was the first time I realized that my dad was really gone. That I’d never again go home and find him working in the garage, or watching a movie with my mom, or sitting at our dining room table for family dinner.
Distant footsteps crunching on the old snow told me she was coming before I saw her. Frankly, I'd known Allie would come looking for me before I'd even gotten to the park. She was a constant in my life. My forgotten coat was in her hands and when she approached, she wrapped it around my shoulders. Then she draped a blanket over my legs and sat in the swing beside me. Her swing.
For a while, we honored the silence together, but then she whispered, "You know, Kyle, it's okay to cry."
I nodded. "I'm fine."
"No, you're not fine. You're strong."
The threat of tears stung my eyes.
She put her hand on my shoulder. "You don't have to pretend with me. You never have before. Don't start now."
I clenched my jaw and tried to blink away the emotion, but it was no use. My eyes welled up and spilled over as my shoulders shook.
Allie was there, standing in front of me, and she held me in her arms while I cried into her chest. It was the first time I'd cried since losing my dad and all of the emotion I'd been bottling up purged from my system. Allie didn't say anything. She simply held me and let me work through the pain. The heat trapped between my face and her bosom was getting to me, so I pulled back and took a few deep, shaky, breaths.
Allie wiped my face with her coat sleeve—snot and all. Not my best look.
"Sorry," I muttered.
"Don't you dare apologize." Her tone was threatening and I knew better than to argue. She cupped my cheek and I leaned into her palm. Her other hand rested on my shoulder.
I sighed. "Well, fuck."
She gave me a lopsided grin. "That's one way to put it."
I reached for her and pulled her against me again. This time, I was very aware of the fact that I was leaning against her boobs and while it was probably inappropriate, I didn't care because holding her and being held by her felt too good. That moment, listening to her heartbeat, was the most comforted I'd felt in a long time.
She kissed the top of my head and let her lips linger there. "I'm incredibly proud of you."
I pulled back and looked up at her, but held onto her waist.
"Your dad would've been proud, too."
I flinched.
"Don't," she warned.
"What?"
"His death is not on you. Even if you'd had some kind of sixth sense that made you leave practice early that day, there's no guarantee he would've lived." She knew me too well.
I exhaled hard making my nostrils flare.
"He would've been damn proud of the way you handled it when you found him. You did everything he'd taught you to do and I know he was standing over your shoulder beaming with pride."
I blinked a few times to try and clear the image from my mind.
"And if that weren't enough, you've taken care of your family, planned his wake and his funeral, and that eulogy was absolutely perfect, Kyle." She poked me in the chest with the tip of her pointer finger. "And you were right in saying that we should all be proud of the legacy he left behind. Guess what? You are a big part of that legacy."
My breath hitched. "You're gonna make me cry again."
"Good. Let it out now because I know as soon as we leave here, you'll go back to being everyone else's shoulder to cry on. But I'm yours. Don't forget that."
The next tears that fell weren't only for my dad, they were also for her. More specifically, my love for her.
20
Allie
12th Grade - March
It'd been a little over a month since Kyle's dad had died and I was worried about him. I couldn't blame him for trying to fill his father’s shoes for the sake of his family, but he needed to take care of himself, too. That's how I ended up in his bedroom wearing a gold sequined dress and high heels on the Saturday before my birthday.
"I'm only going to turn eighteen once, you know." I tapped my foot beside his desk where he was sitting.
"I know and we'll celebrate, I promise, but I'm not really feeling up for a chaotic party."
I'd been at the party Austin was throwing me for an entire hour before I'd decided to leave and collect Kyle personally. Austin hadn't been happy about it, but there was no way I'd celebrate my birthday without my best friend.
I went to his closet and started putting together an outfit for him to wear. "That's where you're wrong. A party is exactly what you need. It'll be good for you to get out of this house and loosen up." I laid a dark-gray button up shirt down on his bed along with a pair of khaki dress pants. Then I returned to his closet for shoes.
He groaned. "You're really not going to give up on this are you?"
"Nope." I tossed the Dockers his direction.
He sighed. "Fine, but I'm not staying long."
I draped a belt around his neck and pulled him close. "It's my birthday. I make the rules."
His fingers dug into my waist. "If you want to play with a belt and talk about rules while looking like that, we're not going to leave this bedroom."
My jaw dropped and I was at a loss for words. Especially because I felt his threat between my thighs.
He started to laugh. "I'm messing with you, Al. Chill."
I let go of the belt and stumbled back. "Right. Of course. I know that."
"Now get out of here so I can change." He stood. "Unless you wanna watch." He pulled his t-shirt over his head and my gaze dropped to his abs.
I spun on my heels. "I'll be in the car."
While I drove to Austin's, I said, "I can't believe you really weren't going to come to my birthday party."
"We're celebrating on your actual birthday. I wouldn't miss that."
"Not the same. I'm going to remember this and I'll be expecting you to throw me one hell of a party next year in Michigan to make it up to me."
When he didn't have a comeback, I knew something was wrong. I glanced at him through the corner of my eye. "What?"
"I
, um, I've decided to go to Pelham University."
I pulled the car over and put it in park so I could look at him while we had this conversation. "You what?"
"I'm going to be a firefighter."
I closed my eyes and sighed. I'd half expected that to happen after everything with his dad, but my heart broke knowing he'd be giving up on his hockey dream. "Give it a little more time to think this through. I'm sure Michigan will understand if you need an extension on the commitment deadline given what you've been going through."
He couldn't meet my gaze. "It's already done. I committed to Pelham yesterday."
"Oh, Kyle." Pelham University was the least prestigious of the division one schools he'd gotten into.
"It's the only school that will give me city residency for the FDNY. Since it’s only ten minutes from here, I can get an apartment right over the border in the Bronx." He ran a hand over his jaw. "My family is going to need me, so it's my best option. My only option."
I covered my nose and mouth with my hands. "Pelham hasn't qualified for a tournament since the eighties."
He'd never get scouted there and he'd never be pushed to his fullest potential by that coach.
"I know, Allie."
"But you got into schools that have won the championship these last few years."
He threw up his hands. "What am I supposed to do? Abandon my family six months after my father dies? My mom can't do it all on her own. Dylan will get his license next year and that'll help, but Jesse is thirteen and Ryan is ten. They need me."
I took a deep breath and put my hand on his thigh. "I know. I get it, I do. But do you really think your dad would want you to give up on your dream?"
He pushed my hand off. "That's fucking low."
"I'm not trying to be callous. Your dad knew you loved hockey. He would've wanted you to pursue it."
"You don't know that and we will never know because I never got to tell him."
I shook my head. "I'm not trying to pick a fight. I just want to make sure you're thinking this through and you're not making a rash decision because of your situation."
He leaned his head back against the seat and covered his eyes with the top of his forearm.
"Kyle, I'll support you in whatever you decide, but please at least talk to your mom about it."
"My mind is made up. I'm going into the FDNY. End of story."
I bit my tongue and did what I had to do as his best friend. "You'll be a great fireman, Kyle."
He stared out the passenger side window. “Can you take me home?”
I put the car in drive and drove back to his house. Selfishly putting him through a party, when it was the last place he wanted to be, would’ve been screwed up for me to do.
He opened the door and said, "Have fun at your party, Allie." Then he got out and went inside without so much as a glance back at me.
After that conversation, my party mood had been killed, but since I was the guest of honor and my boyfriend had gone through the trouble of throwing me a party, I didn't have much choice but to go. The entire drive there, all I could think about was how much my heart hurt because my best friend was home sulking all because his honor was making him sacrifice his dream in order to do the right thing for his family. I admired the heck out of him for it, but it didn't make the situation any less tragic.
I tried to put on a happy face when I got back to Austin's, but he saw right through it.
"You okay, babe?"
"I'm not feeling very well all of a sudden."
"What's wrong?"
I shrugged. "My stomach hurts." It wasn't a lie because my gut was definitely angry.
He cocked his head. "Does this have anything to do with you leaving to get Kyle and coming back without him?"
"No. He's got to take care of his family tonight. I get that."
"Do you want to go lay down in my room?"
"If you don't mind, that'd be good."
He brought me upstairs and tucked me into his bed before giving me a parting kiss.
Some time later, I was woken up by Austin sliding into the bed behind me. He reeked of beer and he draped his arm over me, cupping my boob as he kissed along my neck, making me squirm and not in a good way.
"Austin?"
"Mm," he grunted between kisses.
"Can we just sleep?"
He pulled his mouth from my neck and rolled away from me.
I'd somehow managed to piss off the two men in my life on the same night. Happy birthday to me.
21
Kyle
12th Grade - May
There was one month left of my senior year. And what a year it had been. I'd lost my father, I'd sacrificed my hockey career, and I'd managed to fall even more in love with the one girl I couldn't have. Fucking fantastic.
I was driving home after dropping Ryan off at a friend's house when my phone beeped.
Allie: Busy?
Not wanting to text and drive, I called her on speaker and the second she answered I knew something wasn't right.
"Hi." Her voice was raspy and she sounded like she was crying.
"What did the fucker do?" I'd been looking for an excuse to punch her boyfriend anyway. Not that he deserved it, but him having Allie was enough of a reason for me.
"Uh uh. Pain."
"Your period?" Sometimes Allie got hers so bad she was debilitated for days.
"Uh huh."
"What do you need?"
"You."
"I'll be right there."
I arrived not even five minutes later and used my key to get in. Allie had given me one when I'd started sleeping there on the nights she was alone. When I didn't see her in the living room, I went upstairs. She was curled up in a ball on her bed, so I sat down next to her. Her hair was soaked with sweat, she was pale, and she wouldn't stop whimpering. It killed me to see her like that.
"Allie," I said soothingly as I rubbed her back, which was also damp with sweat. "Have you taken one of your pain pills?"
She'd gotten a prescription for pain killers when she'd badly sprained her wrist playing volleyball earlier that year. She'd only taken one and had saved the rest for emergencies. This definitely seemed like an emergency to me.
"Uh uh."
"Where are they?"
"Dress..."
"Dresser?"
"Uh huh."
I got up and started going through her dresser drawers. I found the bottle tucked in with her bras. On any other occasion, I would've enjoyed teasing her about me riffling through her underwear drawer, but seeing her in that much pain trumped that thought. I opened the bottle and removed a pill, which I put into her mouth for her and she swallowed it.
Not knowing what else to do I sat beside her and rubbed her back as she rocked her body while we waited for the pill to kick in. I'd never seen her that bad and it terrified me. I wished I could take the pain for her. Feeling helpless sucked.
I glanced around her room. I’d been in there many times, but in a lot of ways it had never changed. It was still the same sunny yellow color it had been when were young, although she’d hung posters as we’d gotten older. They started off as the Spice Girls and Britney Spears, but they’d since been replaced by the Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, and 98 Degrees. My favorite part though was her wall of photos. Allie had always carried a disposable camera with her, so there were tons of photos of us and our friends.
"Kyle?" she said, roughly twenty-minutes after she’d taken the medicine.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
"Of course. Feeling better?"
She stretched her legs out. "Getting there."
"Good. That was scary, Allie. This can't be normal."
"It's rarely this bad."
"Still, it shouldn't be like this, right?"
"I don't know." She rolled onto her back. "What time is it?"
I looked at the clock on her nightstand. "Four-fifteen."
"Shit. Could you please get me the pack of pills on top of my dresser?"
>
"Sure." I got up but didn't see any pills. "You sure they're here?"
"Positive. It's a round plastic disk."
I found what she was talking about and recognition hit. "Is this birth control?" I asked as I handed her the package.
"It is." She scooted so she was sitting up, popped a pill out, and swallowed it.
Shit. "Are you and Austin having sex?" The question blew right through my mental filter.
"You know these pills help with other things, too. Not just to prevent pregnancy."
"Right."
"Besides, I don't see how it's any of your business." She put the pills on her nightstand.
"Sorry. You're right." I wanted to drop it, really, I did... "But are you?"
She laughed. "Why do you want to know?"
"Umm, because we're best friends and you should tell me these things."
"Did you tell me when you lost your virginity or did I find out when I overheard the girl talking about it in the locker room before cheer practice?"
I'd forgotten about that. "Point taken." Except I really wanted to know. It'd give me more of a reason to hate Austin. "So to avoid me having to hear about it in the locker room, are you and Austin...?"
She reached for her water. "Jeez, Kyle. Fine. Yes, we are. Happy now?"
"Oh." That hurt. I knew it wasn't fair of me to think she'd remain a virgin forever, especially when I'd been with other girls, but the possessiveness in me—which seemed to get worse by the day—still thought of Allie as mine.
"I really need to shower."
"Please do. You stink," I joked. It was better than imagining her naked especially since I knew she was fucking Austin.
"Hilarious. You have plans tonight?"
I shook my head. "What do you have in mind?"
"Movie night?"
"You shower and I'll make the popcorn."
While she was in the bathroom, I changed her bed sheets for her and tossed the sweaty ones into the wash. Then I went downstairs and made our pillow pile in the living room as the popcorn popped in the microwave. When she came downstairs, she looked a million times better. She had on shorts and a University of Michigan sweatshirt she'd gotten when she'd visited the campus earlier in the year.
