by Kaye Kennedy
29
Kyle
I flipped the burgers and closed the lid on the grill, then reached for my beer and took a sip. We were having an impromptu lunch at my mom's. Since it was a Monday, Autumn was at work and Zoe was on shift at the hospital, but everyone else was there. It'd been a while since we'd had a family meal that was just the boys. Well, Jesse’s fiancée, Lana, was there, too, but she was basically one of the guys. Plus, she brought the beer since she owned a brewery, so she was always welcome. We tried to do a family meal every week, but it was tough with our schedules. In the FDNY, we were constantly rotating shifts, but when we were all off, we tried to schedule family time. It meant a lot to Mom.
Dylan joined me on the patio. "You okay, bro?"
"Yeah. Should be done in about five minutes."
"Good because I'm starving, but that's not what I meant."
I cocked my head. "What did you mean?" I hadn't seen him since the previous week when I'd run out to the liquor store and had never come back.
"The way you disappeared the other night. Just wanted to make sure all was good."
"Fine." I brought the bottle to my lips to cover my lie.
"What was the deal the other night then?"
"Told you. I ran into someone." After seeing Allie, I’d gone straight home. There'd been no way I could've put on a face and pulled it off like my world hadn't just been shook if I'd gone back to Dylan's.
He perched on the edge of the table. "Right. But it's not like you to just bail like that."
"Sorry. She was prettier than you."
He raised a brow. "The someone you ran into was a she?"
I ran my hand over the stubble on my jaw. "Yeah."
He grinned. "No shit."
Ryan came outside with the buns. "No shit, what?"
"Kyle ditched me last weekend for a woman."
Ryan placed the buns down on the ledge beside the grill. "No shit is right."
"Don't be idiots. I date." I used that term very loosely. On occasion, when the urge struck, I'd take a woman out before taking her home. I hadn't had a girlfriend since college and even that hadn't been all that serious. As I got older, the women who were still single were looking for something serious and I'd lost my desire to get married a long time ago, so I stopped dating. It worked for me.
They both laughed like assholes.
Jesse slid open the door and stuck his head out. "Ma, wants to know how long—what's so funny?" He stepped onto the patio.
I shook my head as I took another swig of my beer.
"Kyle says he dates," Ryan said with a smirk.
"Oh, yeah?" Jesse returned with a smirk of his own.
I looked from one to the other and back again. "What's going on?" They were up to something.
Jesse pulled out his phone. "Glad to hear you're finally putting yourself on the market."
I pursed my lips.
Jesse continued, "Because we made you a dating profile and you are very popular, bro." He turned his phone so I could see. Sure as shit there was a photo of me in my tux at Dylan's wedding right next to the heading: Kyle, 34, New Rochelle, NY, Firefighter.
"You did what?" I asked for clarification, because surely my brothers weren't that stupid, as I reached for the phone, but he snapped it back.
"You've got quite a few matches."
My jaw clenched. "You son of a bitch."
Ryan said, "Don't be mad. This is a good thing."
"How the hell do you figure?"
"You just said you're dating. Think of this as our way of helping," he replied.
"I don't fucking need help. Delete that shit."
"Sorry, bro, but my wedding is this spring," Jesse said as he swiped his finger across the screen. "Maybe if you start now, you'll have a date for it.”
Dylan was laughing his ass off, hovering over Jesse's shoulder along with Ryan.
"That one. Yes." Ryan pointed to the screen.
I opened the grill and tossed the buns on. "You've got until the burgers are done to delete that crap."
"I wouldn't be so hasty, Kyle. Some of these women are pretty cute," Dylan responded.
I wasn't the online dating type. If my hand wasn't doing it for me, I'd go to a bar and wait for an opportunity to present itself. Afterward, we'd both go our separate ways. It worked for me. No expectations. No drama. No risk.
"Yeah, check this one out." Jesse turned his phone toward me.
I had to admit, the blonde was cute, but she was on a dating site, which meant she was likely looking for something I couldn't give her. "Not happening." I'd done my lone wolf routine for too many years to change it.
Jesse's phone made an obnoxious musical ding. "Oh shit. You matched."
I opened the buns on the platter and topped them with the patties. "That better not mean what I think it does."
The phone dinged again.
"She thinks you're cute," Ryan announced.
My jaw ticked again.
"Pull up her profile," Dylan instructed. Then, he read over Jesse's shoulder. "Her name is Skye. She's twenty-nine, lives in White Plains, and she's in sales."
"That’s not a name, it’s a thing." I turned off the grill, picked up the platter, and went inside while Dylan was reading off something about Jamaica being Skye's favorite vacation spot.
Mom and Lana were already at the table when I placed the burgers down in the middle and took my seat. My brothers followed closely behind. A vibration in my pocket drew my attention, so I checked it. Ever since I'd given Allie my number, I found myself going back to my old habit of desperately waiting for her to call. I hated myself for it, but it was out of my control. When I'd given her my card, I’d been afraid this would happen, but after all these years, I couldn't have just let her leave.
I was disappointed when Jesse's name was displayed on the screen. He'd texted me a photo of Skye along with what I assumed was her phone number and the words: CALL HER. I shoved the device back into my pocket.
Jesse swung his arm around his fiancée and gave me a smug grin. Ignoring him, I reached for a burger.
"So, yeah. I'm this close to eloping," Lana said to my mom, clearly continuing a conversation they'd been having before we'd come in.
"Just tell me when, beautiful," Jesse said.
I bit into my burger. The last thing I wanted to talk about was weddings or dating because I was trying not to think about Allie.
Lana sighed. "I know, but I really want a wedding, too. I just want it to be my wedding and not my mother's." She took a sip of her beer and then corrected, "I mean our wedding."
Jesse kissed her forehead. "It will be. When she's here visiting in a few weeks we'll make that clear to her."
"Speaking of visiting," my mom interjected. "You're never going to believe who I ran into at the Farmer's Market on Saturday."
"Martha Stewart?" Dylan guessed.
"No, not this time." She gave me a pointed look and I knew who she was going to say before she said it. "Allie Dupree."
All eyes went to me but Lana's. I must've disappointed them though because I didn't look shocked.
Lana asked, "Who's that?"
"An old friend," I tried to play it off like I wasn't considering catapulting from my chair to my car.
Really digging in the knife, Jesse added, "She was practically our sister. Then she went off to college and we never heard from her again."
"Really? Why?" Lana asked.
He shrugged and said, "No idea." He looked at me.
Before my brothers could get on me about that—again—Mom continued, "She was up here visiting her mother, but she lives in Manhattan now."
"No way," Dylan commented. "How is she?"
"She looked great and she's a kindergarten teacher."
"Huh," Ryan said, "I can see that."
So could I. She'd always been great with kids. Having suddenly lost my appetite, I put my burger down on the plate.
"Yeah, I can, too," Jesse added.
Mom stirred her i
ced tea with her straw as she looked right at me and casually mentioned, "She's divorced."
About ten years ago, I'd heard she'd gotten married. I'd taken vacation days from work and had gone on a bender while holed up in my house for nine days straight. Not one for losing control, it had been extremely unlike me, but I'd learned over the years that when it came to Allie, all bets were off.
I reached for my beer. "That's unfortunate." At my core, I wanted her to be happy. That's all I'd ever wanted.
Mom added, "I don't think so. She said it was for the best."
I ran my tongue over my teeth.
Autumn's keen perceptive abilities must have been rubbing off on Dylan because the way he looked at me with his lips parted and his eyes wide, it appeared as though he'd just figured something out. To his credit, he stayed quiet about it.
"Well, good for her," I said as I got up from the table. "Excuse me a minute." I went down the hall to the bathroom, put the lid down on the toilet so I could sit, and hung my head in my hands. No matter how hard I'd tried to shake Allie over the years, I couldn't. I'd love her until the day I die.
30
Allie
While waiting for my class to arrive on Wednesday I sat at my desk, staring at my phone. My message screen was open with Kyle's name across the top banner. The cursor blinked in the empty box. There’d been several failed attempts to reach out to him ever since I’d seen Mrs. H that past weekend. Her words had been echoing in my head non-stop: He never married.
I suppose some might hear that and take it at face value, but I knew better. His mom wouldn't have told me that if it hadn't had a deeper meaning. What she'd really been saying was: He never married because he wanted you. It broke my heart because for a long time I'd wrestled with that myself. I closed my eyes and sighed. After losing his baby, I'd fallen down a deep, dark hole and by the time I got out of it, it was too late.
Seeing him again had been a shock to my system. Physically, my body reacted...positively, because good lord did he age well. Emotionally, it stirred up all sorts of feelings that I'd tried to keep buried deep. The most overwhelmingly confusing part though was that even though I knew I should stay away, I wanted to see him. I wanted to explain. I wanted to apologize and beg for his forgiveness. I wanted him back in my life. But I didn't deserve that.
"Hi, Ms. Pierce." The first little face bounced into my classroom. Being a divorced teacher was a daily reminder of my failure. One day, I'd get around to changing my name back. I put my phone away, another message left unwritten, and plastered on a smile.
We usually started the day with group reading, but we were having a special guest for reading time that day and he wouldn't be there until later, so we started with math. At ten o'clock, right on schedule, there was a knock on our classroom door. When I opened it, I nearly fell over.
It was Fire Prevention Week and Hot Dog the Dalmatian, who was the FDNY's fire safety mascot, was visiting each kindergarten class with a firefighter to read a story about fire prevention. My kids all squealed upon seeing the guy in the big Dalmatian costume, but I stood there like an idiot staring at the firefighter who'd come with him.
"Um, hi." Kyle glanced down at the paper in his hands. "Sorry, I'm looking for Ms. Pierce's class."
I nodded. "That's me."
"Oh."
"Ms. Pierce, Ms. Pierce is the doggy our special guest?" Ariella, one of my students asked, snapping me back into teacher mode.
I stepped aside to let them into my classroom and grinned broadly at my students as I mustered up as much excitement as I could despite the fact that my insides were twisted up in knots. "Okay, class. I want you to meet Hot Dog and his friend Lieutenant Hogan. They're here to read you a story about fire safety." I gestured to our reading corner and the kids scattered from their desks onto the floor by the big reading chair. I turned to Kyle. "What do you need from me?"
His smile lit up his face and I nearly melted into a puddle. "Do you have the book for us?"
"Yes. Right. Of course." I flitted about my desk like a flustered fool, finally finding it under the math workbook. I handed it to Kyle. "Here you go."
"Thanks." He escorted the guy in the Dalmatian suit to the reading corner, then addressed my class. "As Ms. Pierce said, I'm Lieutenant Hogan and this is my friend Hot Dog. We're going to read you a story about fire safety, sound good?"
The class erupted in a chorus of excited agreement.
While Kyle read the story about a Dalmatian family making their house fire safe with smoke detectors, creating an escape plan, and having a fire drill, I watched him transform from a man in his thirties who was a virtual stranger, into the boy I’d loved in my youth. Being the oldest brother, Kyle had always been a natural with children. He did the voices, made the kids laugh, and miraculously kept the attention of a bunch of five year olds for seven minutes.
Suddenly, another meaning behind what his mother had said hit me. If Kyle had never married, he likely hadn't had children, which was a damn shame because he'd make a great dad. That had been one reason I’d stayed away. I’d wanted that for him. The sadness gripped me. Hard.
I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.
"Ms. Pierce would you come help demonstrate stop, drop, and roll?" Kyle asked.
I felt like I'd been caught sleeping in class. "Sure." I stepped around the children to get to the reading corner.
I stood next to Kyle and waited for my instructions, but he never gave them to me, he just started speaking. "Oh, no, Ms. Pierce your clothes are on fire! Class what should she do first?"
"Stop!" they shouted.
Since I hadn't been moving, I did a little hop and then froze.
"Now what?" he asked.
"Drop!"
Immediately regretting wearing a skirt that day, I daintily got down on my stomach.
"Is she done, class?"
"No!"
"What should she do?"
"Roll!"
And so I did. Right into Kyle's feet. Real graceful, Allie.
Everyone giggled and wanted to try the procedure so they went through the movements as a class, which got out of hand real quick. I clapped twice as I chanted, "Silly silly."
The class clapped back and chanted "Quiet quiet." Then they returned to their spots.
Kyle grinned. "I'm gonna have to remember that for the firehouse." He winked.
I blushed.
After taking a class photo with our guests, I said, "Let's say thank you to Hot Dog and the lieutenant for coming to visit with us today and teach us about fire safety."
It was like a competition on who could say, "Thank you," the loudest.
I walked them to the door. Kyle hesitated for a moment, but with twenty nosy eyes and ears on us, the timing for a conversation wasn't optimal.
"Thanks again," I said.
"Thanks for having us."
The guy in the Dalmatian costume held his paw out for me to shake, so I did. Then Kyle did the same. My eyes lingered on his outstretched hand for a moment before I grasped it, feeling the sensation all the way in my toes. I don't think Kyle and I had ever shaken hands and I tilted forward a smidge on instinct like I was going in for a hug, but then I came to my senses and let go as I took three steps back.
And then they were gone.
When school finished, I walked to my gym for the Pilates class. After my divorce, I'd put on more than a few pounds, so I was religious about going to that class four times a week. I had twelve pounds left to shed to get to my goal weight. My ex-husband, on the other hand, got into the best shape of his life once we’d broken up. He'd met a woman ten years younger than me, knocked her up, and married her. Yeah...
I walked home after class to get more exercise in and then I took my time in the shower. My fingers lingered over the faint scars on my abdomen. Most people might not notice them, but I'd never not be able to see them. They were a constant reminder of how much I'd screwed up. How much I'd lost.
I wrapped myself in a robe and went to
the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine before making myself comfortable on the couch. I opened the messenger on my phone, pulled up his name, and typed.
Allie: That was quite the surprise today. My students really enjoyed it. Thanks.
I stared at the screen. Then I deleted it all.
Allie: It was good to see you today. My students wouldn't stop talking about your visit and honestly I haven't stopped thinking about it.
Delete.
Allie: I'm sorry it's taken me this long, but I'm apparently illiterate when it comes to writing you a damn text message.
Delete.
I sighed and leaned my head back. Of all the firefighters that could've come to my class that day, I’d got Kyle. What are the odds of that? It had to be some sort of sign. First, I run into him at a random store, then I see his mom, and then he shows up at my classroom. No way that's a mere coincidence. While I couldn't say I was a believer in fate, this message was hard to deny.
Allie: I miss you.
Send.
31
Kyle
Jesse had called to tell me that he was in the city and he wanted to meet up with Dylan and me for dinner. Jesse worked in Brooklyn and lived in Long Beach, which was on the south shore of Long Island, an hour away from my house. Sometimes, we'd meet in the city because it was a good mid-point. Ryan lived and worked in Queens and he was on the roster that night, so he couldn't join us. I'd tried to turn the invite down, because I was feeling rather depressed after seeing Allie that morning, but Jesse was particularly insistent. That should've been my first clue that he was up to something.
