by M. J. O'Shea
Kevin cupped his hands around Fen’s face. “I’m not reckless. I wouldn’t ever put myself or anyone else in danger just to try to be a hero if I don’t have to be.”
“I know.”
Kevin rubbed their noses together. “And you do have me. As long as you want me. I love you,” he murmured.
Fen’s heart stopped for one short moment. Did he just?…. But then it came, easy and right as anything he’d ever said before. “I love you too. You have me as long as you want me too. Just try not to get yourself killed, okay?”
“I’ll try.”
Then Kevin kissed him, a slow and deep and serious kind of kiss that left Fen breathless.
“I’m going to go get a shower. Wanna come in with me?”
“Yes. Please.”
As far as he was concerned, he didn’t want Kevin out of his sight.
Chapter 17
“IT WAS nice to meet your parents.”
Fen couldn’t believe the week was over. Lunch at Kevin’s parents’ place was followed by a far-too-short drive to the airport. Fen wanted to stay forever. Kevin’s family was just like him—boisterous and sweet and close and easy to get along with. Fen felt like he fit in after fifteen minutes, even though he’d nearly been shaking on the way over. Kevin had introduced him as his boyfriend, which felt amazing. His mom had said, “So you’re the boy who’s taking our son away,” which Fen guessed made sense, since Kevin spent most of his free time talking to Fen. But she’d hugged him anyway and bustled him to the table where huge piles of food waited for them. It had been an amazing couple of hours. An amazing week. Fen felt like hanging onto it with his fingernails.
Kevin smiled. “Maybe someday I’ll meet yours too. I’d love to see where you came from.”
Fen squirmed at the thought of that. Kevin must’ve noticed. “Are you ashamed of us? I know you haven’t talked much with your family about the dating thing, but they love you. Don’t they?”
“It’s just… like I said before, they live so far away. And you didn’t see how they were with Ben. Like, they were nice to him but the same kind of nice you’d be to a wild zoo animal or something. Like they were a bit afraid of him. And they asked the most ridiculous questions. I was so embarrassed.”
“You don’t want them to look at you that way.”
“I guess not. I don’t want to disappoint them, you know? They already don’t understand why I’m out here. They’re not bad people, they’re just from a different place. Or time. Or something. I don’t know how to explain it.”
The car was quiet after that. Fen wanted to keep talking somehow, explain that he wasn’t a coward, that his family weren’t monsters, that it was just awkward, and he’d never had a reason to say anything to them about it. Not until after Thanksgiving, when his whole body and heart and everything had felt so different. Instead, he just watched the freeway signs go by. They weren’t far from the airport. He had to fix things before he got on that damn plane.
“Listen….” Kevin reached out and put his hand on Fen’s thigh. Fen’s heart raced, sure that Kevin was going to break it off after the awkwardness of the last few minutes. “I don’t want to make you feel weird, I just, well, my uncle called me last night.”
“Your uncle?” That was so not where Fen had expected Kevin to go.
“Yeah. He said there was an opening in his company and the guys all liked me, so….” He looked over at Fen. If Fen thought his heart had been racing before, it had been freaking nothing compared to this.
“A job? In Chico?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want it?”
Kevin sighed softly. “Do you? Listen, I’m not gonna lie. I wouldn’t be moving to Chico for my health. If I go, it’s for you. I have family there, yeah, but I wanna be with you.”
“I wanna be with you too. Yes.” A grin broke out on his face and once he started he couldn’t stop smiling.
“But what about your family being dicks?”
Fen flinched a little at the word, but he didn’t comment. “They’re in Michigan.”
“Yeah, but you have to see them. I wouldn’t want us to have separate holidays and a guest room that looks like it could be mine in case they come to visit. I’m not doing that. It wouldn’t be fair to either one of us, or to your family.”
Fen went to protest. He’d never do that to Kevin, or himself. It sounded exhausting. Kevin held up his hand.
“I’ve got two weeks to answer. Just… think about it on the plane or whatever. Let me know, okay?”
“Kev, I love you.” He still couldn’t get over how easy it was to say.
“I love you too. I just want you to be sure.”
Fen nodded.
They hugged long and hard at the drop-off curb. Fen didn’t want to let him go, wanted to breathe in his smell and keep it forever. “I’ll call you when I get home, okay?”
Kevin looked at the ground. “Just text me. I… this is going to sound stupid, but I can’t talk to you until I know for sure where we are.”
“Kev—” Kevin stopped him with a long, lusty kiss. “I love you,” he said quietly again before he ducked back into his car. He left Fen standing there, waving and feeling a bit lost.
A FEW hours later he found himself at Beaver’s with Rory and Ben, who’d flown in for a long weekend. Beaver’s was the same as always—hell, they were in the same booth they sat in most of the time as well—but Fen felt different. Weird. Not weird like he had back in the summer, not weird like he had when Kevin had first left, but like he was in the wrong place doing the completely wrong thing.
“Fen…. Fen. What’s wrong?” Fen looked up and noticed Ben waving his hands at him.
“Sorry, man. Just a lot on my mind.”
Ben reached over and rubbed Fen’s forearm. “What’s up?”
“Kevin got offered a job in Chico.”
“Are you serious? That’s amazing!” Rory and Ben’s faces went from worried to excited, then back to worried again. “It is, right?”
“He just… well it wasn’t like an ultimatum, he just made it clear that if he’s moving here, he’s not doing it just because it might be cool, you know? He’s doing it to be with me. For real. And I guess for him ‘for real’ means like family holidays and stuff. I’d have to tell them.”
Ben shoved at Fen’s shoulder. “So fucking what? Do you love him?”
“Yeah, I do. A lot. I’ve never felt like this about anyone.”
“Do you want him in your life?”
“Of course.” Fen didn’t even have to think about that. To be honest, he didn’t have to think about any of it, it was just the doing that was the scary part.
“Then you’ve got to ball up. Call your family and tell Kevin you want him before he starts thinking you don’t.”
“But you remember how they got when you were there.”
Ben looked pissed. “So what? You can’t live your life worried that people hundreds of miles away might judge you. You love him. Tell them.”
“That easy?”
“Compared to the alternative?” Ben looked at Rory. “Yeah. Believe me, you’ll regret it forever if you make the wrong choice.”
“Not forever,” Rory murmured. He leaned over and brushed a familiar kiss over Ben’s lips.
“Felt like it.”
And right there, watching Ben and Rory be in love, that was it. That was enough for him. He could have that, and he wanted it. It wasn’t like before, when he was happy on his own. He wasn’t as happy without Kevin. Not even close.
“I’ve gotta go, guys.”
“Figured as much. Go get ’em, babe.” Ben got up from his seat and gave Fen a long, tight hug. Rory leaned over and did the same. Fen seriously loved his friends. “Call me later, ’kay?”
Fen nodded. His hands were shaking, but he had to do it. He wanted to do it. There was no such thing as staying the same for him and Kevin—he had to go forward one way or the other, and the thought of Kevin gone from his life was awful. The t
hought of Kevin stuck in San Diego on the other side of the phone didn’t do much for him either.
FEN DIDN’T even wait to drive home before he called his mother. He sat in the parking lot at Beaver’s, phone ringing, waiting for what might be the scariest phone call of his life.
“Fen, darling?” His mother answered the phone. She probably wasn’t used to hearing from him on a Friday night. Or much at all since Christmas. It had felt wrong not being able to talk about the biggest thing in his life, so he’d kinda stopped talking.
“Hey, Ma.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. Good. I just, well, I have something I need to tell you.” He paused for a long time, taking some deep breaths, trying to work up his courage.
“You’re worrying me, Fenton. Just spit it out.”
“I met somebody. I think I met the somebody.” His throat felt tight but he had to keep going. “I’m in love.”
His mother drew in a sharp breath. “Sweetheart, that’s wonderful. Is it new?”
“No. Actually, we met last summer. He was here for a few months working, but he’s moving back to town soon to stay for good.” He hoped. Either way, Fen wanted to do this. His family deserved to know.
“I’m so—wait. Did you say ‘he’?”
“Yeah. His name is Kevin, he’s a firefighter. I love him, Ma.” He’d said it so many times that day that it was getting easier and easier. I love him.
“Well, um, I’m not quite sure what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know.” Fen sighed. “I’d like you to be happy for me, like you would have been if it was a woman.”
“A-are you still attracted to women?” she asked quietly. He was at least ready for this part of the talk. He’d thought about his answer a hundred times.
“As much as I ever was. I think women are pretty. I didn’t mind dating them. I never loved any of them. I don’t know if I was ever going to, or if it’s just Kevin and no matter what, he’s the best one for me.”
“Wouldn’t it be easier if you picked a nice young lady, though?”
Fen tried to keep his voice steady. “Maybe. Right at this moment it sure as hell would be. But I didn’t pick a woman. I didn’t pick Kevin either. It just happened. He turned my whole world inside out.”
“I’m going to need some time to process this, dear.”
“I understand.” He went to hang up.
“But Fen?”
“Yeah?”
“I am happy for you. All a parent wants is for their child to find love. I just wish… you’d picked an easier road.”
“I know, Mom.”
“Can I call you back in a few days when I’ve had some time?”
Fen nodded. “Sure,” he said quietly.
They said their good-byes and hung up. All in all, it wasn’t awful. She probably wasn’t going to throw him a parade any time soon, but she was trying. He supposed he couldn’t ask her to do anything else.
He wanted to be home for the second part of it, the part where he found out if Kevin meant what he’d said. He was such a kid still, so young. Fen thought of how big a moron he’d been at twenty-four, just finished student teaching, about to get his very first classroom. He wouldn’t have been ready for what he thought Kevin was offering. He was barely sure he was ready at thirty. But he wanted it more than he’d ever wanted anything in his whole life. It was time.
FEN TEXTED Kevin the second he got inside his apartment. He toed off his shoes and sank onto his bed.
Are you still awake?
Kevin replied with a simple yes less than a minute later.
Well, here goes….
“Hey,” Kevin said when he answered. “I thought you weren’t going to call until—”
“I did it. I told my family.” Fen couldn’t stand to wait anymore.
“Wait. Already? I told you there was time to think.”
“I didn’t need time to think. It’s part of who I am. Even if you don’t end up wanting me, my family needs to know. I deserve for them to know. And if you do want me, you deserve for them to know too.”
“If?” Kevin laughed. “If?”
“I just… you’re so young, and I don’t want to tie you down if you’re not ready for it.”
“Fen, stop. I asked my uncle for the position, okay? It wasn’t just a random moment of luck. I told him I wanted to be up there and to let me know if he could make it happen.”
“You did?”
“I did.”
“Because of me?”
Kevin chuckled. “Yes, you moron. Because of you. I love you. I don’t want to be away from you anymore. If this was going to go away, it would have by now, don’t you think? It’s been nearly a year.”
It hadn’t gone away, not even a little bit. If anything, his feelings had grown about a million times stronger. “Yeah,” Fen whispered.
“How’d your family take it?”
“I talked to my mom. She’s not popping champagne bottles or anything, but she wants me to be happy. She just needs some time to process it, I guess.”
“I guess it’s my turn. Are you sure I’m what’s going to make you happy?”
“What did you say when I asked?” Fen chuckled. “Yes, you moron. I’m sure.”
“Then I guess I’d better start packing.”
THEY STAYED on the phone for a long time that night, talking, laughing, giddy and happy, and scared to death—at least Fen was. He couldn’t imagine making any choice other than the one he’d made, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t scary. He was growing up, settling down, finding someone to love. Finally, when it was close to dawn and Fen could barely keep his eyes open, Kevin said good night.
“I’ll text you later today?” Fen asked sleepily.
“Yeah, that sounds good, babe.”
“Love you,” Fen muttered.
“I love you too. Oh, and Fen?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ll see you soon.”
Epilogue
“WHY DO I keep getting stuck with the heavy ones?” Rory asked with a groan.
“Says who?” Jeremy scoffed. “That last one I had was definitely books.” He glared at the massive floor-to-ceiling bookshelf that Fen and Kevin had built in their new living room. In the house they’d bought together. We bought a house together. Even though the process had taken what seemed like forever, and Fen should have been more than used to the idea, sometimes he still had to pinch himself.
“I still can’t believe Ben got out of this. When’s he getting home again?”
“Ten days,” Fen and Rory said at once.
“And I was nice enough to hire movers to drag all my boxes out of my old condo so none of you will have to help me.”
“Consider this a service,” Fen told him. “We’re saving you from moping around until Ben gets back.”
“Yay, nothing like a back injury to combat boredom.”
Fen stuck his tongue out at Rory, and Kevin came up behind him and wrapped his arms around Fen’s waist. He dropped a small kiss on Fen’s neck. “Who’s gonna stop you from moping?”
Fen grumbled a little, but he had to admit, the closer it got to everyone being reunited and Ben being back where he belonged, the harder it was to wait.
“Pretty sure you can.”
“Okay, that would be my cue to leave.” Jeremy turned for the door with a haunted look on his face. Poor guy had probably seen more than his share of groping in the past six months or so.
“Yeah, I believe I’ll be going with you,” Rory said. “Beaver’s? Wanna see if Delia can meet us?”
“Yes, please.”
FEN WATCHED his two friends with a huge smile on his face. It had been hard lately not to smile. They were all growing up and settling down, things Fen had been vaguely scared of most of his adult life. In the world’s least surprising turn of events, growing up wasn’t quite as scary anymore.
About the Author
M.J. O’SHEA grew u
p and still lives in sunny Washington state, and while she loves to visit other places, she can’t imagine calling anywhere else home. M.J. spent her childhood writing stories. Sometime in her early teens, the stories turned to romance. Most of those stories were about her, her friends, and their favorite cute TV stars. She hopes she’s come a long way since then…
When M.J.’s not writing, she loves to play the piano and cook and paint pictures, and, of course, read. She likes sparkly girly girl things, owns at least twenty different colored headbands, and she has a little white dog with a ginger eye spot who sits with her when she writes. Sometimes her dog comes up with the best ideas for stories… when she’s not busy napping.
Visit M.J. at http://mjoshea.com.
E-mail her at [email protected] or follow her on Twitter.
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