“Who is?”
Elton waved behind him. “All of us.”
The gazes leveled at Pax ranged from sub-zero temperatures from Adele, chilly from Easton on the back porch, and blazing hot from Cilla. The heat in her eyes made it hard to look at her.
Whatever else he felt towards Cilla, everything in him yearned for her. He might have tried to convince himself otherwise the past six years, but nothing about his love for her had changed.
Other than the fact that he demolished any chance he would ever have with her by leaving when she needed him most.
He’d told himself that it was for her good, that it was his fault, but Elton’s words that morning struck home. He ran because of his guilt. Because of his fear. Because he couldn’t stand to see the way Cilla’s eyes would see him differently when she woke up, knowing that she’d never walk again.
He ran because he loved her and because he was a coward.
“Come on, brother.” As though he could sense that Pax wanted to bolt, Elton clapped a hand over his shoulder, steering him with force toward the house. They went up the back steps while Cilla and Adele used the ramp. While they were still alone in the kitchen, Elton gave Pax a shove, somewhere between playful and serious.
“Whatever you’re thinking, do not leave this house. We will eat and have a civil meal.”
“Might want to take this up with the others.”
“I mean it, Pax.”
“Fine.”
The door opened again, and the kitchen suddenly felt too full of people. Cilla rolled on through to the living room. “Going to use the little girl’s room,” she called over her shoulder.
Pax stared after her until Adele stepped in front of him, crowding his space. “You,” she said. “I’ve got some words for you.”
“Take it outside,” Elton called. “All fighting is strictly relegated to the barn.”
Pax let Adele lead him toward the back porch. They stepped away from the kitchen door and Pax crossed his arms. For a moment, they didn’t speak. She stood stiff, hands in fists on her hips.
“Hi, Adele,” he said, finally, ready to get this over with.
“Hi? HI?! That’s what you have to say to me?”
“Nice to see you?”
Adele’s fair skin reddened as she shouted. “Since you don’t seem to get it, let me explain it to you. I’m furious with you. You are a terrible person. Awful. What you did—I can’t even believe what you did. It’s low, Paxton. You don’t deserve her.”
Adele’s words rose as she spoke until she was shouting so loud it didn’t matter how far they were from the kitchen. People in the planned community next door could probably hear her.
“I know,” Pax said quietly. “I know, and you’re right.”
As he watched, Adele seemed to deflate, her shoulders drooping and her hands unclenching. “Oh.”
For a moment, they regarded each other. And then, in a strange repeat of earlier with Cilla, Adele threw herself at him. Her feet stayed on the ground though, and Pax patted her back awkwardly. She began to weep, loudly and uncontrolled.
“Hey, now.” He didn’t have the first idea of what to say. As the final dregs of sunset sank, Pax simply held her, letting Adele soak his shirt with her tears.
“You alright?” he asked after a few minutes had passed and her sobs lessened.
“She still loves you. I told her if I forgave you, then she could. But, oh—Pax! Why did you do it? Why did you leave her?”
Adele pulled back as she asked this last question and Pax felt the prick of tears in his own eyes.
“It’s my fault,” he said. “It was all my fault and I can’t fix it.”
“I don’t need fixing.”
Adele stepped to the side and threw her hand up to her mouth. Cilla sat a few feet away. Neither of them had heard her come out.
Pax was torn between putting a hand to his eyes to catch any stray tears and ignoring them so he didn’t draw more attention to them. He had never felt so exposed. Every muscle in his body tensed.
“We came outside,” Adele said. “I didn’t think—”
“That I could hear you? It’s a screen door, Adele.”
As if to prove a point, Elton called, “Just so we are all on the same page, we’re listening in here too. Carry on. It was just getting good.”
Cilla closed her eyes. “Go on back inside, Adele. Thank you, but I don’t need anyone to fight my battles for me.”
Pax found himself shrinking back as Cilla wheeled toward him. He leaned back against the porch rails.
“I don’t bite,” she said.
“I’d deserve it if you did.”
She tilted her head to the side and then grinned. “Probably so. But still.”
The moment stretched long between them, the air cooling as darkness settled around them. Looking down, Pax noticed that Cilla’s jeans had ridden up a bit, exposing the skin at her ankles. Was she cold? She wouldn’t feel it if so, but that didn’t mean she didn’t need heat. He wanted to find a blanket and cover her legs.
Would she see that as rude? He didn’t know the first thing about loving her like this. But he realized suddenly that he wanted to know. He wanted her to tell him exactly what she wanted and needed. Pax wanted to share it all. If she wanted to.
Cilla had always been so independent. To the point that for a while, his mama and Jazz didn’t warm up to her. Smart, beautiful, and rich, she was intimidating enough on her own. But add in that fierce independence and it took Pax months to speak to her the first time.
He could see how that independence had blossomed in her now. But twisted a little too, like she would have turned away help that was needed just because of the fact that someone offered, thinking she might need it. He didn’t know how to talk to this Cilla. Not with his guilt, and her eyes flashing at him like that.
“I don’t want to fix you, Cilla. I don’t think you need that.” If anyone needed fixing, it was Pax. But he was past repair.
“That’s what it sounded like.”
He sighed. “Then you weren’t eavesdropping right. I said that I couldn’t fix it. Meaning the past. What I did. I wouldn’t ever want to change you, Cilla.”
For a moment, her face softened, and her lips parted, like she was so surprised that the words flew right out of her head. Then something passed right over her face, hardening it right back up.
“What? No apology? You can give them out to everyone but me?”
Pax felt his fingers twitch against his side. This was an easy moment. She’d given it to him like a gift, just handed it over. But it felt like the kind of gift someone bought and wrapped for themselves, then gave it to you to give to them.
His mama did that for Pax for years. Shopping for her own Christmas and birthday presents, wrapping them up, and having Pax scrawl his name on the card. That works for little kids. But not when he was older. And it wouldn’t work now.
It wouldn’t be real if he told her that he was sorry. She was offering him the chance for a quick apology. But it felt more like a bear trap that would spring shut the moment he stepped. What he had done was much too big to say he was sorry like this. He didn’t know when or how, or even if he could, but he could not let her make this easy on him.
“Let’s go back inside, Cilla.”
She didn’t argue, and he followed her back into the house. At least she let him open the door for her. But she did not thank him, and he didn’t say he was sorry.
All conversation ceased when they entered the kitchen. Adele had her phone out and both Elton and Easton were looking over her shoulder. Something appeared to be burning on the stove.
Cilla waved a hand through the gathering smoke. “Um, guys? The stove? I think whatever you’re fixing just caught on fire.”
Elton jumped back and pulled a pan from the stove, cursing under his breath. Easton ran a hand over his jaw and stepped back, leaving Adele looking guilty with her phone in hand.
“What?” Cilla asked.
&nbs
p; With a sinking feeling, Pax realized what they were probably looking at. The same articles that Lawrence just messaged him. Had she not seen them? He would have thought that she already knew that the media had linked them together as a couple. Pax stepped away from Cilla. Adele looked between the two of them.
“So, um, the word on the street—and by street, I mean the entire internet—is that you two are a couple.” Adele turned her phone around, holding it out to Cilla.
Pax saw the same image of the two of them from her office earlier. She couldn’t be mad at him for this, but he still waited for some kind of explosion. Elton and Easton watched Cilla, waiting for the same thing.
After scrolling for a moment, Cilla handed the phone back to Adele. “Well. News sure travels fast.”
“That’s all you’re going to say?” Adele asked, looking shocked.
Cilla shrugged and gave Pax a half-smile. “Pax has PR people or whatever. He can set them straight.”
Pax scuffed his boot along the hardwood floor. “About that.”
Elton snorted a laugh and pulled out a beer, like he needed refreshment for the show. Adele sank into a chair at the table.
“Yeah?” Cilla asked, her voice holding a dangerous chill. “What, exactly, about that?”
“My PR guy wants to run with the story.”
“What does that mean?”
Pax shrugged. “He wants me to keep it up. I tried telling him earlier that it wasn’t true, but he hung up on me.”
“You tried telling him?” Cilla’s eyes narrowed. “Give me your phone. I’ll tell him. What’s his name?”
Pax couldn’t even begin to imagine a conversation between Lawrence and Cilla. But he wouldn’t say no to her. A part of him actually couldn’t wait to listen to Cilla steamroll him. With a smile, he dialed Lawrence and set it to speakerphone. He handed the phone to Cilla. “His name is Lawrence. Have at it.”
Chapter Nine
Cilla watched the phone in her hand, waiting for Lawrence to pick up. Her heart was beating so fast that she felt sure that the rest of the room could hear it. Adele simply stared at her, Pax waited with a hint of a smile, and the twins had gone back to fixing dinner.
“Hello! Pax! Good to hear from you.” Just the sound of Lawrence’s voice irritated Cilla.
“This isn’t Pax. My name is Priscilla Worthington. Nice to meet you.”
Lawrence sputtered into the phone. “Well, this is a surprise. It’s nice to hear from the woman who made an honest man of the perpetual bachelor.”
Cilla snorted. “Honest? Hm. Interesting choice of words. I was actually calling about something quite the opposite.”
She could see the panicked look on Pax’s face, the trace of a smile wiped clean. He knew her well enough not to snatch the phone from her hands. But he wasn’t going to like this one bit and he knew it.
Which is exactly why Cilla was doing this. Pax still hadn’t apologized, though she did see the regret in his eyes. But he hadn’t said that he was sorry, and Cilla hadn’t finished torturing him yet.
“Let me give it to you straight, Lawrence. That’s such an awful name. Can I call you Larry?”
“Actually—”
“Great. Larry, the story in the press got way overblown. Pax and I didn’t reconnect and start a relationship again.”
His already irritating voice now took on a testy tone that she liked even less. “Well, that’s too bad. Is Pax there?”
“Yep,” Pax spoke from nearby, but didn’t volunteer any more than the one word, clearly happy to let Cilla run this show.
And it was just about to get good. She pushed away the voice in her head, which was shouting Abort! Abort! Abort! Before Cilla could change her mind, she pressed on.
“The story was wrong, but it doesn’t have to be. If it would help Pax’s image, I’ll happily pretend to be his girlfriend while he’s in town this week. He’s already helping me with my charity event for Wheels Up, so it won’t be that hard. What I would like in exchange is publicity for the charity. Did you actually know that Pax founded it?”
“I learned that just this week.” Lawrence’s tone was clipped.
“Well, shoot. You must not be very good at your job. Anyway, Wheels Up and Pax could both use the publicity, don’t you think? I’ll be his public girlfriend, do exactly one interview with a news outlet of Pax’s choosing—”
“Video or print?”
Cilla looked to Pax for the first time since she unveiled her over-the-top plan. He had stopped pacing and stood frozen next to the back door. The shock in his face was turning before her eyes into something more like resigned acceptance. He knew that she held all the cards. And she intended to go all in and clean the table with him.
She should have felt pleased. Wasn’t this what she wanted? To make Pax suffer? Not like she had—there wasn’t any way to make his pain close to equaling hers. Still, it felt like some tiny bit of justice. Or she thought it might.
But this didn’t feel good or satisfying. It felt ugly. She realized that she wanted him to fight with her on this. Fighting meant that he cared. The resignation on his face stole any of the pleasure she might have had.
In the past, Pax wouldn’t have let her run all over him like this. He had always respected her strength and her opinions, but he wasn’t passive. Despite the hard life he had, he never played the victim card. And he wouldn’t have let her bully him like this. What would it take to make him fight back?
“One of each. We’ll talk about our relationship and also feature the charity and Pax’s involvement in it. Do you think that might help his current image problem?”
Lawrence laughed. “What image problem?”
“That’s what I thought. Now, here’s Pax. I’ll let you two hammer out all the sundry details. I’d say it was good to talk to you, Larry, but I don’t like lying.”
With a smile, Cilla handed Pax the phone. He did not look at her. Before he said a word to Lawrence, he walked out of the house. Disappointment settled on her shoulders and she shivered from it, or maybe from the cool air from outside as the door slammed behind Pax.
Looking down at her lap, Cilla realized that her fists were clenched. As she loosened them finger by finger, she reminded herself to breathe, trying to push back the tears she needed to not fall right now. This room held her very best friends in the world and she wouldn’t let them see her cry. She straightened her shoulders.
Easton set a plate on the table with some grapes, crackers, and slices of cheese. Cilla popped a grape in her mouth, then looked at her three friends in turn. Elton’s smile was blinding. He looked like any moment he would burst out laughing about the whole thing. Easton had a forced casualness, but somehow managed still to look disappointed. He could obviously read her like a book and see that she was still in love with Pax. Cilla’s heart tugged just a little at that. And Adele’s mouth simply hung open.
“What?” Cilla asked them.
“You and Pax. Pretending to date. Do you think this is a good idea?” Adele asked.
No. Yes. No. She shrugged.
“It’s not, in case anyone was confused,” Easton said. “Both of you are going to get hurt.”
“I’m a big girl,” Cilla said. “Pax’s an adult. I think we can handle ourselves.”
How much more hurt could we get? She wouldn’t say the words out loud. But they all had to realize.
“Personally, I think it’s the best terrible idea I’ve ever heard,” Elton said with a laugh. “I’m going to make some popcorn. Can’t wait to watch the drama unfold.”
Easton crossed the room and knelt, looking Cilla in the face. His eyes were knowing and sad. She tried to wall up the emotions that his gaze was drawing out. “Haven’t you both caused each other enough pain?”
Her anger flared. “He’s the one—"
Easton put a hand over hers. “I know. What he did was inexcusable. But he did it anyway. He couldn’t face you because he blamed himself for the whole thing. A dumb eighteen-year-old kid in a mom
ent of crisis and a concussion made a terrible decision. One that has haunted him every moment since. He doesn’t need you to keep on punishing him. Pax has been doing it to himself for years. I’m not sure if you noticed this, but he hates himself. The fight last night? It’s his way of doing penance. Punishing himself. You need to forgive him, Cilla. He won’t forgive himself until you do. Even then, I’m not sure if he can. And both of you are going to stay stuck exactly where you are for the rest of your lives if you don’t.”
With that, Easton walked out the door. His words had been spoken softly, with care. With love. Cilla could feel it and see it in his eyes.
It wasn’t his love but the truth in what he said that choked her. She couldn’t catch her breath because all the air had been sucked out of the room. She knew that every word he spoke had been true. As much as she didn’t want to believe them.
True or not, she couldn’t let the words reach her heart. If she let go of her anger with Pax, what would she have left? Her love. That’s what. It was perhaps the only thing outweighing the anger. Her pain was ugly and it hurt, but it was hers. For six years, this was all she knew.
Let go? Not possible.
Clenching her teeth, she steeled herself, pushing off the emotions that had any hope of softening her heart. She would not stop what she had set in motion. Pax might be sorry for what he’d done. She might be vindictive. But she wasn’t going to change her mind.
Adele’s shock had only deepened, and Elton kept his back turned, his silence speaking more than his words could have.
“Well, that was awkward,” Cilla said, forcing a laugh.
“Cilla,” Adele said, her eyes looking pained.
Cilla shook her head. “Nope. Not talking about it.”
The door opened, and Pax walked in, then came to sit in a chair beside Cilla. When he looked at her, shame ravaged a path through her heart, despite all her best efforts to harden it.
“Well,” he said, grabbing the edge of the table in his big hands. “Looks like we’re a couple again. Publicly, anyway.”
Forcing a bright smile on her face, Cilla turned to fully face him. “Why, Pax, as far as I’m concerned, you never broke up with me. Technically speaking, we’ve been a couple this whole time. Hope you’ve been faithful.”
Forgiving the Football Player Page 7
