by S M Mala
And broken hearted.
‘Bea!’
She heard someone call. Her eyes filled with tears as she approached her home. ‘Bea?’
Looking up, Mylo was standing outside the house.
Bea didn’t know what to do.
She couldn’t take him saying it was all over.
Not there and then, and certainly not face to face.
So she stopped a little away from him and glanced down at the pavement, knowing he would immediately see she was crying.
‘I don’t feel well. I’ve got a headache,’ she mumbled, rubbing her eyes. ‘I have to go in.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Mylo said and stepped closer. ‘I’ve really fucked things up and I don’t know what to do.’
‘You ran away when you saw me. I think you knew exactly what to do.’
‘I was scared. Look at me, please.’
Slowly she tilted her head up and noticed he was upset but Bea could only look away.
Even the small act of staring into his eyes was hard.
‘Why did you say you loved me when you didn’t?’ she asked, trying hard to hold back her tears. ‘And your life in the States and the child. And not to mention an ex male lover.’ Shaking her head, she closed her eyes. ‘Because I don’t mean anything to you.’
‘That’s not true, you mean everything.’ His hands were on her face but she didn’t want to make eye contact. ‘My feelings haven’t changed. I love you but I was scared of what your reaction would be. That’s why I never said. I wasn’t lying to you. Bea, look at me.’
And she did.
There were tears rolling down his cheeks.
‘You weren’t straight with me from the start,’ she said through clenched teeth. ‘What sort of love is that?’
‘I wanted to tell you. I really did. I said there was someone and a child was involved.’
‘Your child.’ Bea held onto her breath, knowing she was either going to sob or scream. ‘You’re a father. That one little nugget you didn’t want to say. A piece of information I should have been told.’
‘I don’t want us to be like this but I have to tell you everything, I know that now. I’m sorry for how I acted on Monday. You have to believe me there is no maybe about whether I love you or not. I know how I feel. I love you, it’s that simple. And I don’t want to lose you.’
Then he kissed her but she couldn’t kiss him back.
Bea’s head was spinning in confusion and she was angry with him.
‘Mylo,’ was all she could say before burying her head in his chest sobbing. ‘I don’t know what to do! I don’t know who you are, not anymore.’
‘Just listen to what I’ve got to say, that’s all I ask.’
‘Will you listen?’
Mylo had helped her up the stairs and placed her on the sofa. All that she could feel was the pain in her body while her head span out of control. ‘Bea?’
‘Only when people tell me the truth.’
‘I’m going to try.’
‘I don’t understand. Are you gay?’
‘I’m not gay. I like women. I love you.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘Which bit?’
‘All of it.’
He sunk to his knees, all the time staring at her. Flinging the bag off from across his body, he removed his jacket and sat on the floor in a heap.
‘You find out that my ex is a man and assume that what we have, you and I, isn’t real. I think it’s hurtful, the fact you believe I lied to you.’ Mylo rested his chin on his knees as he wrapped his arms around his legs. ‘In one moment you think it’s nothing.’
‘If you loved me you would have told me everything. Remember your reply when I asked?’
‘Don’t.’ He buried his face in his knees.
‘You said ‘Maybe. I don’t need this.’ Do you recall?’ Bea rested her head back against the couch and closed her eyes. ‘Maybe you’re not sure what you feel and this is a mistake which means me.’ She let out a little groan. ‘And Kayden is your son.’
‘He’s not biologically mine. Cole and I adopted him when he was a mere baby and I looked after him, up and until I left the States. He calls me daddy. I love that kid with all my heart and try to speak to him every day. I did mention there were kids involved.’
She didn’t know what to think.
That was a secret and a half.
‘And how come I never knew you made daily contact? Why didn’t you say? Do you know what I think? You didn’t want me in that part of your life with your legally adopted son. How could you miss that out?’
As she said it, Bea knew her words were loaded in anger and sarcasm.
It sounded horrible but it was how she felt.
‘If I had mentioned it, I would have had to tell you about the other parent, the other father. I wanted to do that from day one but I didn’t know how to approach it.’
‘That’s big, Mylo. A really big piece of missing information.’
‘I know, I know.’
‘You obviously don’t!’
‘It has been really hard for me, the upheaval of leaving my son because the relationship broke down. My head was all over the place, not to mention my emotions. I miss that child. I love Kayden more than anything and it hurts not being with him. I visit as much as I can. That’s why I stayed in Chicago for a year after we split so I could be with my child. Since he entered our home, I was both his mother and father, taking time off work to be with him. Cole was busy with his other two and left me to it. Kayden might not be my blood but he is my life.’
‘No women?’ she asked, needing to know more.
‘Cole is the biological father of Bligh, who’s eleven. Ricardo is River’s dad and he’s about fifteen. They met at one of Cole’s restaurants. A surrogate carried the children for them, the same mother for both. Then things didn’t work out and Cole split with him.’
‘Because of you?’
‘Because of them.
She sat up and looked down at him.
The reality was that he was with a man for eighteen months, which included children.
One child they adopted together, as man and man; a couple.
Bea couldn’t get her head around the scenario.
‘And please don’t ask me about the sex,’ he said, resting back on his arms. ‘Because I know you’re going to.’
‘How can you know you’re not gay?’
‘He was the first and last man I’ve been with. I knew he was gay but thought nothing of it. I was in awe of him, his business and how he managed to cope with two kids. There was an attraction and I couldn’t figure it out. One night he told me how he felt. It was confusing because I didn’t know what to do. And at the time, I didn’t want to fight it. Why should I? Then that was it. We were together.’
Getting to her feet, Bea wasn’t quite sure if she wanted to hear, because she was desperate to find out about the sex and emotional side.
‘And you remain friends?’ she asked, hobbling towards her kitchen counter to take some painkillers. Her leg was getting worse by the second. ‘An extended family which you don’t want me to be part of. The people in your home on Monday, do they know you were seeing me or am I a dirty, straight, secret?’
‘Bea!’ he shouted, jumping to his feet.
‘Well, if you’re not honest with me, surely you can’t be honest with them! Unless they know what you’re doing and think it’s a good idea. The convenient smoke screen.’
She sipped the lukewarm water and tried not to cry but failed.
It felt awful saying it out loud.
Bea could have been his secretive fling.
‘I think you should go,’ she said, tears splashing down her face. ‘I don’t think you know what you want and it’s certainly not me. How can it be? You have a completely different life that I know nothing about where I’m excluded. In my life, you’re included in everything. I’m not enough for you, I can see that now.’
‘Don’t say that,’ he said, ge
tting closer. ‘That’s not fair.’
‘I’m hurting and I don’t want you to see me like this. Right now, I wish my mum was here. She’d help me, tell me what to do. I can’t figure you out. I don’t know who you really are and that’s what is really, really upsetting me. I hate being lied to.’ She inhaled deeply. ‘Did I tell you my parents lied to me about my mother’s illness? They didn’t want to me to get upset. They never said a word. Never told me she had a matter of weeks.’
‘I know.’
‘Trying to be protective only made me angry that they had no faith in telling the truth, just like you’ve done. Because they didn’t think I could cope or understand. I couldn’t but that doesn’t mean to say I didn’t want to know.’
‘I made a mistake. I should have told you but I was scared you’d run away.’
‘Why would I do that?’ she asked, turning to look at him. ‘I’d have asked questions but at least I would have known. And then you saw me two days ago and sprinted away.’
‘I didn’t know what to say.’
‘Did you know how much that hurt?’
‘Bea, I don’t want to hurt you.’
‘So why come here today?’
‘Because I can’t live without you.’ Mylo shut his eyes.
‘I don’t care what or who you did, that’s not important! I care about you not trusting me. Do you think I fall in love on a whim?’ Bea was starting to get angry. ‘That I am a serial fiancé? I’m not like that. I wanted to meet someone I could have future with, who loved me as much as I loved them. That’s all I ever wanted but it’s something I had given up on. Then you turned up.’
Mylo looked down at the ground then right back at her.
‘Do you love me?’ he asked quietly.
‘Don’t.’
‘Answer me.’
‘I’d have never guessed you were bisexual.’
‘I’m not bisexual. Are you listening? One man, one time and-.’
‘Eighteen months isn’t one time!’ she said, shaking her head furiously. ‘You had a sexual and emotional relationship that involved children; one that calls you daddy and who you jointly adopted.’
‘I’m not ashamed of what happened,’ he said, starting to get annoyed. ‘It happened.’
‘And has it happened again?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Are you and Cole finished? Do you get together when you meet for old time’s sake, considering you were drawn in once before?’
‘I don’t cheat. I’m faithful and in answer to your question, I would never sleep with him again or anyone, not since I met you. I love you.’
Bea grabbed his t-shirt and screamed into his chest.
‘You’re not helping! You’re hurting me! Why would you do that?’
‘I never want to hurt you.’
‘But you are!’
He wasn’t making this easy for her.
She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do next.
‘You don’t sound too good.’
‘I’m fine,’ she said, trying not to move. There was a sharp stabbing pain in her arse when she did. ‘It will go.’
‘I need to look at it.’
‘Honestly, it will pass.’
She had fallen asleep, exhausted from crying and the pain in her body. He was by her side then suddenly sat up and looked down.
‘I can’t stand seeing you like this,’ Mylo whispered.
‘He’s very good looking, isn’t he? Cole’
‘Yes.’ Then he frowned. ‘And?’
‘He’s blond with blue eyes, the exact opposite of me.’ Biting her lip, Bea wanted to say it. ‘And tall. How old is he?’
‘Forty,’ he replied, shaking his head. ‘Where’s this going?’
‘Physically, we are very different. You have a wide range of tastes.’
‘And your exes? What did they look like?’
‘They all had cocks so we do have something in common.’ Then she couldn’t hold back. ‘We can compares notes.’
She was met with a wry grin as he shook his head and stood up.
‘You want to know if I sucked his cock, is that it?’ Mylo let out a disgruntled groan and gently pulled her up by the arm. ‘And if I liked it more than being with a woman.’
‘I never said that.’
‘But it’s written all over your face. If it’s honesty you want, then I’ll tell you.’
‘So tell me. What’s it like, shagging a man then wanting to be with a woman? Can a woman float your boat or do you prefer to be handled in a more masculine manner?’
‘I fucked him, okay.’ Mylo looked flustered. ‘We had sex and it was different, not unappealing.’
‘You like dick,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘What can I say?’
‘You can say it doesn’t matter.’ He put his hands on his head. ‘I never touched another man’s penis until I was with Cole. I admit, it felt a little odd but when you like someone, you’re willing to please them.’
‘I like Anne-Marie, which doesn’t mean I’d go down on her,’ she mumbled and was met with a frustrated stare.
‘I was attracted to him and it was different. I got caught up in the whole thing but I was never sure. Not because I didn’t care for him, it’s just that I never really fell in love.’ He walked away and flung himself on the sofa. ‘It was a fling that ran away with itself.’
‘Until you decided to run away leaving a small child.’
‘I didn’t want to leave my son but I had to think about Kayden. A sudden upheaval would have been unfair to him. He has been through enough.’
‘Then why haven’t you tried to get him back, now you’re settled?’
‘I need to think clearly about it, for everyone’s sake. I have to be sure.’
‘Like you’re sure about me?’
‘I am sure I’m in love with you. It’s up to you whether you believe me or not. And don’t think I took it lightly leaving Kayden. That’s what kept me there for longer than I should have been. I never meant to hurt you.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Mylo.’
She woke around two o’clock in the morning after immediately crashing out in bed. ‘Where are you?’
Getting up and limping into the living room, he was standing in his underpants, making a cup of tea.
‘Go back to bed,’ he replied, not turning around. ‘I can’t sleep. I’m worried about you and I’m not leaving until we sort this out.’
‘Can we?’ Bea bit her lip and walked closer, still reeling from their conversation. ‘I need to know everything about you, like you know about me. No more secrets if we’re going to try and make this work. If we can.’ She swallowed hard. ‘It’s not that I care about you having sex with a man. But why now do you want to be with a woman? That’s the bit I don’t get. And your mum knew. Makes sense why she told me about not knowing a thing.’
‘She thought it was a reaction to her and dad splitting. Though she loves Kayden as he is her only grandson.’
The comment hit hard and she closed her eyes, knowing there was so much to him that was missing.
‘I feel locked out.’
‘I didn’t want you to find out this way.’
‘You treated me terribly on Monday, do you know that?’
‘I could see you were shocked and I didn’t want to confuse the situation further.’ He closed his eyes then looked at her. ‘Are you thinking that sex between us isn’t real because I slept with a man?’
‘I’m thinking I don’t really know you.’
‘You do know me.’
‘You said months ago your ex wanted you back. Does that mean Cole thinks there’s a chance? A friend is how you described me.’
‘I told him I loved you. Cole said I wasn’t being honest with you because I’m not being honest with myself.’
‘He thinks you’re gay and in denial?’ Bea bit her lips really hard then he reached out and put his fingers on her mouth.
‘We’re going to sort this
out, okay?’
Bea wasn’t quite sure what they could sort out in one night.
All she knew is that Cole thought Mylo wasn’t being true to himself.
And she wondered if Mylo really had any idea of what he wanted and with whom.
That was the burning question.
She stood with her back against the worktop, stretching out to stroke his shoulder. He looked at her and gently touched her arm.
‘Come to bed,’ Bea whispered stepping forward, knowing her body yearned for him but her head was saying something else.
What she really wanted to know was how she’d feel about making love.
He lunged at her and his tongue delved deeply into her mouth, making her head spin. Mylo pushed up her nightdress and pulled it off, his hands quickly wandering all over her skin, as she bent her good leg, trying not to fall over.
Picking her up, he placed her backside on the kitchen counter and rubbed his hands all over her body.
He pushed straight inside, making her jolt. Mylo gently grabbed each thigh in his hands and humped her slowly as she let his tongue fill her mouth while the other end of his body filled her up.
She knew she was going to come quickly, feeling him move in and out at fast speed.
And she didn’t want to let him go.
There was no question that his touched turned her on.
Holding her breath, her muscles contracted around his body and she felt the pulsating pleasure start to rocket through her. He knew her well as he pulled his lips away from her and stared into her eyes.
‘I’m going to come,’ she gasped, feeling her body shake.
‘I want to come with you,’ he whispered, as she came in his arms, holding onto the strong shoulders and watching him reach his climax. ‘I love you Bea.’
She shook and shivered, unable to stop and then kissed him with so much passion, she thought both of them had lost their breath.
In those moments of pure lust, only he mattered.
Mylo was all man.
Bea held on tightly, feeling his body become taut and looked at his beautiful face, knowing deep down, nothing had changed on how she felt about him.
She was desperately in love and that was making it all the more perplexing.
