by Harper Bliss
Annie couldn’t stop herself. “Where are you go—” she started to ask.
“Just don’t, Annie.” With that, Jane stormed off, letting the front door bang loudly—the second bang in so many minutes.
She heard the bell chime in the book shop and rushed inside, hoping it wasn’t Jane wanting to give Kristin a piece of her mind.
When she entered, she recognized a woman who came in from time to time. She headed straight for the non-fiction section.
Relieved, Annie took position behind the counter. But the feeling of relief didn’t last very long, because Kristin was looking at her, eyebrows quirked up, and Jane would soon come back and then hell would break loose. The hell Annie had expected to break loose last night when Jane had confronted her about Kristin.
After the customer had left, Kristin came up to her with a freshly brewed cup of coffee.
“The other one has gone cold.” She offered Annie the cup. “And you look like you could use it. Everything all right?”
Annie looked at Kristin’s face, which showed nothing but compassion and concern—the two very last things she needed from Kristin. She wanted to reply with a snippy “Clearly not,” but Annie didn’t have any harsh words in her to direct at Kristin.
“We should talk,” she said, instead. She took the cup from Kristin’s outstretched hand.
“Sure. Whatever you need.” Kristin tilted her head.
Annie put down the cup and took a sheet of paper from the stack she kept beneath the counter. With a trembling hand, she wrote “Back in 5.” She turned the sign on the door to “Closed” and stuck the sheet of paper to the window. She wanted no interruptions during this talk.
“Should I be worried?” Kristin asked, after they’d sat down. “Are you and Jane no longer happy with our business arrangement?”
“It has nothing to do with that. Well, I mean, it does indirectly. But this is not about business.” Christ. Annie may have felt she needed to do something about this—and this being the only thing she could possibly think of—but it wasn’t easy to find the right words. “It’s me. I, er…” Annie stammered. “I’ve upset Jane and I’m afraid the only way to make things better between us is to ask you…” It sounded so ludicrous. But if Annie wanted Kristin to stay away from her own coffee shop for a while, she would need to plead her case with absolute honesty. “To keep your distance for a while. Which is wholly unfair, I know. But I don’t know how else to do this.”
“I’m not sure I know what you’re trying to say,” Kristin said.
Annie shook her head. “Look, Kristin, I have developed feelings for you. A silly crush. Er, I don’t mean you are silly, of course. It’s me. Half the time, I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m around you. Jane knows this and seeing us in the shop together earlier… well, you saw the result.”
Kristin stroked her chin. “I had no idea.”
“I thought it would be obvious by now. Caitlin had me all figured out the very first time we met.”
Kristin shook her head. “I don’t really know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. Just don’t be offended if I keep my distance for… a while.”
“Offended? I’m flattered.” Kristin chuckled, then corrected herself. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make light of this. Obviously, it’s having an adverse effect on your relationship with Jane, which is understandable.”
“My only option is to be rational about this. Which is not an easy thing to do, because nothing about this is rational. But I need to stay away from you for a bit. As far as I can see, it’s the only solution.”
Kristin nodded. “I understand, Annie. I do. I can conduct my business from a distance. That’s why I hired Mia, after all. It’s just, well, we were becoming friends… Do you want me to stop volunteering at the kitchen as well?”
Annie sighed. “No, of course not, but maybe it would be better to not volunteer on the same day.” Annie tried on a smile. “I’m sorry about all of this. I would very much like for the ground to swallow me whole right now.”
“There’s no need to apologize. We’re all human. These things happen all the time. It’s how you deal with them that’s important.” Kristin glanced at her with such compassion and kindness in her eyes. “Sharing this with me must have been very hard for you. It takes character to stand up for your relationship like this. I’m sure that, in time, Jane will see it that way as well.”
“Thank you for being so understanding.” Annie wasn’t so sure Jane would be as understanding. Annie had acted very much against her explicit wishes and it would take a lot to make her understand that the reason she had told Kristin was not to ascertain whether her feelings were mutual. It was to put a stop to them. “I would appreciate if this didn’t go any further.”
“You can count on me.” Kristin smiled—and looked gorgeous in the process. “After all, it’s in my best interest to keep my landladies happy.”
“This won’t affect our business. And please don’t feel as though I’m banning you from the shop. You have every right to be here. I feel a fool for even asking you to keep your distance. But I don’t know what else to do.”
“Don’t feel too bad, Annie. It’s just a crush. I have them all the time.”
“You do?” A pang of something Annie was afraid to identify shuddered through her.
“Of course. Don’t we all? I’ve learned to enjoy them—and truth be told, I tend to have my crushes on women I don’t know personally. Movie stars and the unavailable. It makes things so much easier.” Kristin shrugged. “It’s all very innocent. And so is this.”
Annie wasn’t certain her crush on Kristin was so innocent, but she was happy to go along with the sentiment for now.
“So, what do you want me to do about the rest of the day? I should be able to find someone to take over from me for the rest of the afternoon.”
“Stay,” Annie said. If she wasn’t going to see Kristin, who she had also started valuing as a friend, for a good long while, she wanted to enjoy her company for a few more hours.
Chapter Twenty
When Jane returned, she headed straight upstairs. If Annie wanted to see how she was doing, she could leave her precious Kristin alone in the shop for a bit. The long walk she’d taken had done nothing to clear her head. All she could see was Annie and Kristin enjoying a cup of coffee together. And even though it was just a cup of coffee, in Jane’s tortured mind, it represented all the things Annie wanted to enjoy with Kristin, but couldn’t because she was with Jane.
Jane had barely had time to pour herself a glass of water when Annie walked into the living room.
“Who’s minding the shop?” Jane asked, unable to keep the anger out of her voice.
“Kristin.”
“Of course she is. Kristin this and Kristin that. Shall we invite her upstairs later? Make her an even bigger part of our lives?”
“I’d hoped you would have calmed down,” Annie said.
“Looks like I haven’t.”
Annie pursed her lips. “Then you definitely won’t be pleased to hear I’ve told Kristin.”
Jane narrowed her eyes. “You what?”
“I had to tell her.” Annie’s voice had gone soft again. “I couldn’t very well ask her to leave. Or start keeping my distance from the woman who rents a space in my shop.”
“I explicitly asked you not to tell her.” Jane didn’t care about any of Annie’s excuses. “I asked you to wait until we had a further chat about it.”
“That was before she showed up in the shop this morning, babe.”
“Oh yes, I get it. And it was so hard for you to be in the same space as her without saying anything, was it? You just couldn’t keep your feelings to yourself.”
“No, babe. She saw how upset you were and—”
“Of course, now it’s my fault that you went against my wishes. Figures.”
“I know you’re too upset to understand right now, but I did it for us.”
�
�The hell you did,” Jane bristled. “Do you have any idea how this feels for me? To know that you confessed your feelings for another woman, to that woman? The intimacy of that? On top of that, you broke my trust. You gave me your word. What is your word worth to me now?”
“As your partner of twenty years, I would hope my word means a great deal to you.” Annie took a step closer. “I’m sorry to have acted against what we agreed on, but I did it in our best interests. I had nothing else but us in mind when I told her. And you know what? It worked. Kristin has agreed to spend less time in the shop, because she understands things like this happen, and then they pass. I thought you of all people would understand this.”
“I was wondering how long it would take before you threw that back at me.”
“I’m not throwing anything at you. I’m just asking for some understanding.”
“Seems to me we’re asking for the same thing then.”
“You know I understand very well how you feel, Jane. I know all about it. I would guess I know much better than you.”
“Oh, so we’re comparing now, are we? That will definitely help. Stop trying to justify how you feel with what happened seven years ago. This is not a quid pro quo. I simply asked you not to tell her, and you did. That’s what’s making me so angry.”
“As opposed to how you were not angry at all when you stormed out of the shop earlier?”
“Are you going to blame me for that as well? Because it feels like I’m taking a lot of flak for something that is not my fault at all.” Jane wished Annie would disappear out of her sight, but at the same time, she wanted to go over to her and hug her and have her assure her that everything would be all right. Because what if she had already used up all the turbulence their relationship could bear when it came to feelings for other people? What if there was nothing left to absorb this now that Annie needed the same credit she had afforded Jane when she needed it most?
“I need to get back to the shop,” Annie said.
“No. You’re not going back in there to spend the rest of the day with her. There’s just no way. I can’t accept that.”
“This is work, Jane.”
“It might be, but it’s not just work. That line was crossed a long time ago. Can you look me in the eye and tell me you won’t talk about me as if I’m a problem to be managed if you go back down there? I won’t have you discuss me with her.” Jane’s voice grew shriller with every word she spoke. “It’s so disrespectful. And you’ve disrespected me enough for one day.”
“I can’t leave Kristin to mind the book shop and the coffee shop for the rest of the day. That’s not fair.”
“Then tell me this. Why, if you told her and she agreed to keep her distance, hasn’t she called in reinforcements? Kristin is a smart woman. Surely she would have thought of that option.”
“Because… no one else was available.”
“And you must think I was born yesterday.” Jane all but stomped her foot. “I’m going to mind the book shop for the rest of the day.”
“But—” Annie started.
“But what? Give me one reasonable argument why I shouldn’t?”
Annie stood there, stumped for words.
“That’s what I thought,” Jane said, and headed down the stairs without giving her wife a further look.
Jane hesitated before she opened the door. Not only to calm herself down after that fight with Annie, but also to steel herself—as best she could—before facing Kristin. Kristin, who now knew how her wife felt about her.
Kristin looked up when Jane walked in. She did a pretty good job of hiding the surprise on her face.
“You’ll have to make do with me for the rest of the day,” Jane said.
“Of course,” Kristin said, the sound of her clipped, measured voice already getting under Jane’s skin. She’d never had anything against Kristin. In fact, she quite liked her and had always enjoyed her company. But things were different now. At this very moment, Jane’s wife desired this woman more than her. When she slipped into their marital bed at night, Annie probably wished she was gluing her naked skin to Kristin’s instead of Jane’s. And when they kissed and closed their eyes, Annie was surely dreaming of Kristin’s lips against hers.
The first hour Jane was in the shop, a flurry of customers kept her mind occupied, although a sharp stab of jealousy pricked her every time she looked over at Kristin. What did she have that Jane didn’t? A more exotic skin color, yes—Jane was always pale. Hair that stayed in its intended shape no matter what, as opposed to Jane’s wispy, almost-but-not-quite-ginger hair. Effortless elegance. Vast amounts of understanding when people confessed to have crushes on her.
As time ticked by, Jane got more and more agitated. But she’d had no choice other than to do this. It would have been worse had she stayed upstairs while Annie was working down here.
They’d both been so busy, they’d barely talked. At least the book shop was doing well out of this deal. With the way her writing was going, Jane could hardly wish they’d never taken Mia and Kristin up on their offer of saving the shop. This uptick in business was a great relief to Jane every time she allowed herself to think about her abandoned manuscript. Not that she’d go bankrupt any time soon, but it was the principle of it.
Still, as she glanced around the shop, it all felt a bit like a poisoned chalice. Because saving the shop was not worth the destruction of their marriage.
For the first time ever, Jane allowed herself to wonder if it wouldn’t have been better to let the shop be bought by Pages, even though this would probably have meant Annie’s retirement—and neither one of them believed in retirement. In postponing life’s pleasures until you were sixty-five. This book shop was Annie’s greatest pleasure already. Most likely, having to hand it over to Pages, would have destroyed a vital part of Annie’s soul.
The shop had been saved. It was doing better than it had in years. But at what cost?
One customer lounged at a table with a cup of coffee. Jane kept her eye on the woman and, meanwhile, tried to work up the nerve to confront Kristin after the customer left. Even though Kristin had done absolutely nothing wrong. Still, Jane felt as though she needed to step up, defend something, take action. She already felt so powerless, her future so out of her own control. She couldn’t write and with one twist of fate—if Kristin suddenly realized, after Annie’s confession, that she’d been harboring some unexpressed desire as well—her marriage could be over. Jane had everything to fight for.
After the customer left, before Jane was able to gather the courage to even walk in Kristin’s direction, Kristin came up to her.
“I must be persona non grata in your world right now.” Kristin’s voice was smoother than usual. “And I want to respect your probably not-so-favorable feelings toward me, but I also want you to know that I respect your and Annie’s relationship. I will not come between you and your wife, Jane. I would never do that. I’m not that person.”
Of course Annie had to go and fall for a highly principled woman with morals strong as steel. A fact for which Jane was glad, even though now she was the one doing the comparing. It painted her dalliance with Beth in a much harsher light—because it wasn’t nearly as innocent as Annie’s crush was proving to be.
A tear pricked behind Jane’s eye. What was she supposed to say to that? Thank you? “I appreciate that,” she managed.
“After today, you probably won’t see me for a while. I hope things work out for you. Actually, I’m sure they will. You and Annie make such a wonderful couple. Any fool can see that.”
Jane had no choice but to be graceful about Kristin’s approach now that she was wishing her and Annie nothing but the best.
“Thanks.” Saying it out loud wasn’t so bad after all, but it still stung to have to thank Kristin.
Chapter Twenty-One
That night, Annie found herself trying to get some sleep in the couch. Her bones suddenly felt too old to not be supported by a sturdy mattress. But, in all of this, o
n the surface at the very least, she was the one at fault and she was the one being punished for it. Even though Annie didn’t know what more she could possibly do. All that could assuage Jane’s anger toward her now, she knew from experience, was the passage of time. Annie tossing and turning on a couch that wasn’t meant for sleeping. And she didn’t even have some new material from Jane to keep her company in the lonely hours of the night.
Annie turned on her side again, trying to find a position in which nothing hurt, but even if she did manage to find some form of physical comfort, her ego would still be sore. There had been no exhilaration attached to having to tell Kristin how she felt, only humiliation. Her timing might have been off, and she should have waited until she and Jane agreed it was the best course of action, but life didn’t always allow for conveniences like that. In this case, the only convenience was Jane’s fragile sense of self.
How could she even consider the notion that, even if Annie’s feelings for Kristin had been reciprocated, she would allow anything to happen? Besides, wasn’t the very nature of a crush that it was intensified by the longing created by unavailability? Jane wrote about romance and infatuation and all its traps and nuances every single day—well, most of the time, anyway. For her work, she had turned the concept of love inside out. So why couldn’t she just see this for what it was?
Annie turned on her back and linked her fingers behind her neck. She was exhausted after today, but sleep would not come any time soon. She stared at the ceiling and tried to come up with ways to apologize for being silly. Inadvertently, her mind drifted to Beth Walsh. That instant of acute anger and fear when she spotted her talking to Jane a few weeks earlier, which echoed the despair she’d felt seven years ago. Because then, their relationship had been in actual danger. This was nothing compared to the whole Beth thing. And sure, Annie shouldn’t compare, but she was doing it anyway.
