“While I was with the witches, I learned that Bilé is the God of Death and the Dead. He agreed to fetch the dead and take them to the Underworld via the Tree of Life in Ireland before man was created. However, the name they used was the World Tree. Interesting, isn’t it, that Ireland, where your mother’s first people were created, has a tree matching the one Faery was created around? We thought our world was dying because of the damage the mages were inflicting, when in fact, it’s because the Tree of Life isn’t a tree at all. It’s Bilé. She told you that you couldn’t kill him and keep the land. Now, do you understand why?” he tilted his head as my eyes rounded.
I tried to sit up again, only to expel a heavy breath from my lungs as my apex screamed with pain. It was delicious pain, yet pain all the same. Ryder intended to fuck me into oblivion, to take away my humanity. He didn’t get it or could figure out that it couldn’t be extracted. I had to eradicate it myself.
“I see you’re following along, so that must mean you need to be fucked again,” he said huskily. “I am enjoying this a little more than I should, but being buried in your warmth is my favorite place in the entire world. In fact, I think you’re the most beautiful thing your mother ever created. You’re definitely the most stubborn creation she’s used on me.”
“If it is true, then why wouldn’t the Stag just tell me?” I countered hesitantly, turning over onto my back and groaning loudly as my body burned from being overused. It took everything I had just to roll over. He’d depleted me, sapping all my strength until I was too weak to crawl away from him.
“Because the Stag is actually Cernunnos, the Lord of the Wild Things,” Ryder chuckled. “He is also known as the Horned God, and he is Zahruk’s grandfather. Cernunnos created the shapeshifters, and then Danu gave his only daughter to Alazander as a test to see what would come from fucking a wild thing. Unfortunately, she wasn’t impressed. So your mother and Bilé created more creatures and fed them to my father to breed. They made him go mad with the need to breed, creating an army of Bilé’s sons under the guise of needing to produce a daughter, which Danu assumed would balance the world out as she desired it to be. Only when Ciara was born, she wasn’t what Bilé expected, so he had Alazander take her apart to see why she wasn’t equipped to save the world. Danu saw this and began making plans to create you.
“Synthia, we are nothing to Danu and Bilé. We’re the game pieces they move around when they want something or become bored. So, we slowly rebuilt ourselves to become strong enough to stop them. I started exploring the world while following my father’s orders. Zahruk helped me, and others joined against them. I’m tired of being their toy. I will not allow Bilé to destroy this world because he is grieving. He gets one option, he takes this,” he said, holding up the vial from my necklace. “He can either crawl his worthless carcass back to the Underworld, or he dies, and we leave here and go to the world we will create.”
“You expect me to believe you? You’ve been lying to me since day one!”
“I told you not to underestimate me, little girl. I told you I am the biggest and strongest thing in all of Faery. You didn’t listen, and it’s been fun watching you try to put the pieces together. I was willing to play along with your mother’s games, but then you tried to fucking turn me into the god that I already am. You wanted to change who and what you thought I was. I told you from day one I wouldn’t change for anyone, not even you. I am who they created me to be, and while you helped me greatly by combining the beast, the one thing Bilé couldn’t accomplish—nor your mother, for that matter—you don’t get to take away my choices.
“I never took away your choices, Synthia. You only think I did. I stood by and watched you walk away from me to save the land. You almost married Adam because you wanted to save the world to protect your precious human race. You walked away from me by choice. You entered Faery during the Wild Hunt—again, by choice. I offered you an out, Syn. I offered to open those fucking doors in that club to allow you to leave with no questions asked. The only time I ever intervened with your choices was when you held my children within your womb.”
“We lost a child so that I could get you back!” I cried.
“No, we lost a child because you thought I was fucking weak. You didn’t trust me to get out of that situation on my own. You violated the laws of the gods. I never imagined you would come for me. You weren’t supposed to do that.”
“You realize that if I hadn’t, you’d have fed on an entire room of children. You were crazed when I reached you, Ryder, mindless with hunger.”
“That’s the difference between us. I have no humanity, Synthia. I wouldn’t give a shit. I love very few things. My brothers, my wife, and the lives she and I create together. This world? I’ve never pretended or told you otherwise. I care about fixing it and preventing the loss of life, but only because losing them hurts the woman I love. I was in your world to find you, and I did. I found this beautiful creature with a fucking mouth on her that drove me bugfuck crazy. She argued with me. Me! The one creature no one inside Faery tried to challenge, and yet here she was, this tiny little firecracker that stared me down with the passion and fire of a thousand burning suns. You were the most infuriating, stubborn, pigheaded, and most beautiful thing I’d ever dreamt of or seen.
“The first time I fucked you, your pretty gaze ignited and glowed with pleasure. And then you came undone, screaming for me, and I realized right then you’d never walk away from me. I wouldn’t allow it, and I still won’t. Then you fucking died, and my world stopped turning, and I knew. I knew this crazy fucking thing you called love was real. I felt a void inside of me that would never be filled. You marked me deeper and harder than any brand could ever do. I love you, Synthia Raine. I love you so fucking much that you make me ache with the intensity of it. But I really need you to turn off your humanity, because time isn’t something we have a lot of right now.”
“It isn’t that simple,” I whispered, tears burning in my eyes. “It’s not a switch that can be turned off. You can’t just say to turn it off and expect it to be done. It’s ingrained inside of me. I was raised with humans. I was born thinking I was one. This isn’t something you can fuck out of me, Ryder.”
“You can either turn it off or watch Faery die around us. I told you I wasn’t your fucking prince. I’m the king. I am the one thing holding this court in place. Since you have been down, exhausted from having your greedy little cunt fed, the world has begun to reshape itself. I am reshaping it. Either get on my side or get the fuck out, Synthia. You don’t get to straddle both worlds anymore. I lost my brothers because you can’t be what this world needs. Ristan lost Olivia because you can’t man the fuck up and shed that little sliver you’re grasping on to. I won’t allow myself to hold on to you if we’re not what you want.
“I’ll give you twenty-four hours to figure out on which side you belong. It’s either ours or theirs, sweet girl, because you can’t have both anymore. You can’t straddle that line anymore because we will not win this war if you do. At the end of the twenty-four hours, if I don’t receive an answer, I will begin hunting you down.
“I will place god bolts into your body and toss you into a fucking cage if that is what it takes to be certain you are safely tucked away from those who seek to murder you. I can’t have you fighting against me because you’re the one thing I can’t fight. Tick-tock, little one, time is wasting. Do whatever the fuck you need to do, but you’re either on my side in this world or you’re not. If you choose the human world, know that I will never stop hunting you down. I will never rest until I capture you and know you’re safe from harm and protected from this war. If I were you, I’d start making my decision soon.”
“You’re kicking me out?” I snapped, struggling to get up.
“No, I’m choosing us, our family, and this world. You’re not. You’re hanging on to the scared, confused little girl who grew up in the human realm
, instead of the fierce fucking goddess who belongs at my side. You’re a fucking liability right now, our weakest link. Everyone stood beside you. They said you did every-fucking-thing you could to protect the ones we lost in the tower and defend the stronghold. They have all said that you did everything you should have done, except for one thing: You still haven’t chosen Faery. You continue to cling to that worthless shred of humanity. You were born fae, Synthia, not human. You have no place inside that world; you never did. The only way you can ward against Bilé is by being stronger than he is inside this world, and to do that, you have to choose Faery.
“Why won’t you accept the power that’s just within your grasp? All you have to fucking do is reach for it. You can’t fight two wars at once and give them both your best. I love you, but I won’t let you take everything from me. I won’t lose more of my family, because when they are gone, that is it. They die, and it’s fucking final. I can’t do that, not even for you. Not when the solution is within your fucking grasp, and you are refusing to take it.”
“I chose Faery,” I whispered through tears.
“No, you chose me. You stand at my side, but you’re not here with me. We can’t have secrets between us anymore. We need to be in this together, sweet girl, but you’re not fucking here. You let me know when you decide what you’re going to do.” Leaning down, Ryder kissed my cheek and sifted, leaving me alone.
Three hours later, my eyes were swollen shut from crying until I couldn’t see past the haze in them. I walked into the horde’s throne room, where Ryder sat on the throne, staring at me as I passed by him. His gaze narrowed as he took in my disheveled appearance. He was right, and it hurt. I was here. I was his. I was also uncertain I could shed my humanity because, without it, I’d lose the last piece of me, of who I used to be.
I turned, unable to look at Ryder before I headed toward the great hall, ignoring the people who stopped to watch as I passed them. The guards opened the doors wide, and I walked blindly through them and away from the stronghold. I didn’t stop when people called out to me, nor did I acknowledge those that bowed around me. I pulled the crown from my head, turning to stare up at where Ryder watched me from the battlements. With a sad smile and a tear rolling down my cheek, I dropped my crown on the ground and vanished.
Chapter Thirty-One
I landed in the Fairy Pools, hissing at its icy chill. Standing up, I shook off the water and looked around at the large trees that glowed. Tiny fairies hiding within the security of the trees stared at me as I climbed out from the slick rocks of the fast-running creek. I approached the fairies, dropping down to lean against the tree.
They swarmed me, touching my hair and face before landing all over my arms. They were like tiny insects that buzzed with the speed of their wings, hovering every so often, similar to hummingbirds as they flew.
“Goddess,” one whispered in awe.
“Queen of the Horde,” another insisted.
“Lost, is she?” a male whispered to a female holding his hand.
“She’s not lost. She’s looking to be found,” the female replied.
“Human?” I studied the pair absently, pushing my wet hair away from my face.
“No, you’re of this land. Look around you,” the male said, stretching his arms, indicating our surroundings.
Nearby animals lifted their heads from feeding to peer curiously at me, while other creatures moved closer as if they didn’t believe I was really here. Maybe I needed to get out of the castle more often—if I was technically allowed back in, that was. I stood slowly, trying not to unseat the tiny fairies while curious eyes watched me. Unnerved, I shook my arms, ridding myself of their invasion, and sifted again.
This time I appeared outside of the Blood Kingdom, staring at torn banners and others that’d been set afire when the castle fell. Tears swam in my eyes, blurring my vision as I remembered entering the kingdom for the first time.
I’d been so nervous about how Lasair would respond to me, or if I’d even be accepted. I’d also wanted to murder Cailean for kidnapping me, but I’d found my family because of him. Instead, I’d discovered a family who accepted me for me and had fallen in love with them, too. There was an eerie silence that filled the world now, as if it was holding its breath, waiting to exhale. I picked up a stone and chucked it at the castle gates.
It hurt because they’d left, but not by choice. If Ryder was correct, and I really hated that the asshole usually was, I was to blame. I blamed myself enough for the both of us, so it was a possibility. The thought of that sent a pang of regret mixed with guilt rushing through me. It was a lot of pressure for a twenty-two-year who never planned on facing anything like this. I’d thought I was doing pretty good, considering I’d been thrown into the fire and hadn’t allowed myself to get scorched by the flames.
I picked up another rock and threw it as hard as I could. Silently, I watched it bounce off the crumbling gates and landed in a pile on the ground. If accepting Faery would have prevented this tragedy, why hadn’t they tried harder to make me? I’d let everyone down, and if I were them, I’d hate me. Maybe I didn’t belong here, after all.
A noise sounded from behind the battlement. I narrowed my eyes, sifting to land on top of the wall. I peered down at a group of men with swords, lying in wait to ambush whoever walked through the hole in the gates. They were all wearing random armor with both the Light and Blood Kingdom’s emblems on their chest, indicating these men were at both battles. These were members of the mage army in disguise, which meant they needed to die horribly.
I sifted, landing between them, watching as their eyes widened. “So, what are we doing? How are we today, and which team are we on?” When they started to respond, I waved their words away. “I don’t actually care about you, or which team you’re playing for. That’s a moot point, considering the armor you’re wearing. Let’s talk about me, shall we? I have a dilemma. I was told that I have to pick a side, and I don’t know how to do that. I’m actually from Faery but brought up by humans in their world. You know, kind of like you assholes. So, how did you choose a side?”
They stared at me curiously, and I could tell that none of them knew who I was. One mage opened his mouth to respond, closed it, and then opened it again. “Uh, I was told there was a war coming, and that if I fought in it, I could go where people would understand me. All I needed to do was come here to Faery, and then just do what they said without question.”
“And just like that, you signed up to fight in a world with creatures who hated humans?” I countered, narrowing my gaze on his too-thin build, noticing the pain in his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t eaten a decent meal in a long time, or ever known a good home.
“Oh, well, as someone who was working his way through the human food chain and bound to get killed by the guild, it was an easy choice. I wanted to claim Faery as my world so I could slip in and slip out while dining and dashing, I guess you could say.” He shrugged.
I wiggled my fingers and watched as he burst into flames, falling on the ground, screaming. “You have to admit, you had that coming. Eating humans is bad. Next?” I asked, turning to find the others running away from me. “Oh, no, sorry,” I called out at their retreating backs. “That wasn’t on the list of options from which you could choose.” I sifted, landing in front of them as they drew swords. My hand lifted, and the moment they moved to lunge, they were engulfed in flames as well. “You guys really should learn to use your words.”
I moved deeper into the castle, stepping over the dead who’d been forgotten. Hierarchy played a considerable role in this world. I’d removed it from the horde, and we’d burned our soldiers with honors most men fought to obtain. I’d placed Darynda beside princes, marking her royalty in my eyes. To me, they’d been people. They’d been my family, and they’d accepted me. What the fuck had that gotten them?
Dead.
I left a trail of death in both worlds. What if I didn’t belong in either? That was my hold-up. What if I abandoned the humans, and I didn’t fit in here?
If I left Faery, I knew I wouldn’t fit into the human world. Sure, I could visit, and I could assist Alden with the guild, but only from the shadows. I wasn’t part of that world anymore. Here, I led at Ryder’s side. I was nothing without him, though, not in this or any world. If he left me, I’d become some pathetic creature that everyone pitied. Shit, I’d pity myself if he left me because I craved him in an unhealthy way.
Love was such a two-sided sword that cut both ways. I’d never once felt this with Adrian. When I walked away from him, I hadn’t worried about what I would become afterward, because I knew I’d be okay. Ryder was different. Everything about us pulled us together, but he’d lied, even though he’d told me he couldn’t. Ryder expected me to understand that was the case at first, but time had passed, and he hadn’t offered me the truth. He didn’t trust me enough to tell me what he truly was.
Did I keep secrets? Yes, but only because the walls were listening, and I couldn’t just take Ryder out of the castle because his archaic laws prevented it. He’d kept me under his thumb, driving me to do what the horde needed me to do, so I’d planned Eris’s downfall on my own. Was it a betrayal? No. I’d been trying to save my family and thought I was doing what was right.
Did I mean to rid him of the beast? Hell, no. I loved the creature that’d given me my babes, and would never want him gone. Would I have stopped what happened? I wasn’t sure I would’ve since I hadn’t even realized I was doing it. But now, I couldn’t trust Ryder and that hurt.
Embracing Destiny Page 26
