52
The next morning we went out together as usual, and I repeated what I’d done the day before. I took a taxi to the Nubians’ coffee shop and took up my position at its entrance. Rabab arrived at the same time she had the day before and went to the kindergarten. Then, as I was tracking her with my eyes, I happened to think: If she had the perceptivity of that strange woman—whom I hadn’t thought about from the time I’d left Abbasiya by taxi the day before until this thought leapt into my mind—and if she happened to look in my direction and saw me sitting here, she’d turn on her heels, march over to me in disbelief, and ask me what had brought me to this coffee shop. Envisioning the situation with terror in my heart, I shrank into my seat, smarting with shame and remorse. However, my wife turned into the schoolyard peacefully and unsuspectingly, oblivious to the eyes that were keeping their wary, suspicious vigil over her. When she disappeared through the door, my tension and fear left me, and I dreaded the prospect of the second day-long wait I’d have to endure. I cast a weary, sweeping glance around me, taking in the side street where the coffee shop was located, what I could see of Abbasiya Street, and the coffee shop itself with its dark-skinned clientele. These were the places where I’d been condemned to remain like a mad prisoner, wandering aimlessly through a maze of dark thoughts and hellish, fugitive apparitions.
As I watched my wife going to the school I remembered the strange woman, so I looked up toward the building across from the coffee shop, but found both the window and the balcony closed. I wondered how I could bear to wait the entire day without some sort of entertainment to help kill the time. It was a dubious question, one that concealed a desire to see her that I didn’t like to admit. Yet what reason did I have to deny such a desire? Wasn’t it a desire simply to amuse myself and kill time? It was true, of course, that the woman had stirred up something erotic in me. But there was nothing new in that, since I’d always responded erotically to the ugliest, filthiest of women. Marriage had done nothing to change me or heal me of my condition. On the contrary, it was after marriage that I’d gone back to all my old habits. I looked back at the window again as though I were enduring two long waits.
I decided to try to understand myself better. I wasn’t just looking for amusement. No, I really wanted to see her again. I wanted her to devour me with her eyes the way she’d done the day before, so that I could experience that deep sense of satisfaction and pride and salvage some of my lost confidence.
No sooner had I lost myself in thought than I heard the clattering of the window. I looked up and saw it being opened wide. The woman appeared in the window and our eyes met. She hadn’t been expecting to see me, of course, and a look of evident astonishment appeared in her eyes. She stood there looking at me for a minute or so, then moved away from the window and disappeared from view. With a happiness that ill-befit the miserable nature of the mission I’d come there to carry out, I shifted my gaze over to the balcony, waiting for it to open. And so it was: a hand pushed open the leaves of the door leading out to the balcony and they collided violently with the wall on either side, whereupon the woman came out, pulling a chair along with her short, solid body. She looked rather like a barrel in the pink dress she was wearing, though it was tailored in a crude sort of way. She placed the chair in the far corner of the balcony, sat down on it facing the coffee shop, and spread her arms out on the balcony’s wooden railing. We were face to face, there were no shops on the side street, and hardly anyone ever came down it. As for the coffee shop regulars, they were so engrossed in their chatter, they saw nothing outside. My table was situated so close to the entrance that it was more or less isolated from the others, and I imagined the two of us as being alone in a sense. A moment later, though, I felt flustered and embarrassed. I didn’t know how I could remain at the mercy of her brazen stares, and I wished my unspoken desire hadn’t been fulfilled. I began looking at the distant street part of the time, and part of the time over my shoulder at the inside of the coffee shop. Yet either way, I could feel the weight of her heavy eyes on my face.
I wanted her presence, of that there was no doubt. At the same time, though, I couldn’t bear it. Every time I stole a glance in her direction, I would find her scrutinizing my face calmly, thoroughly, and without the slightest embarrassment or hesitation. This sent me into raptures, while at the same time it left me unbearably flustered and embarrassed. Her eyes would spend a long time looking, but they didn’t just look. Rather, they spoke with the most eloquent of tongues. Whenever our eyes met, I would imagine her speaking to me, then lower my gaze as though I were running away from her. Once when I looked her way I found her lighting a cigarette. She put out the match with a couple of shakes of her hand, then threw it in my direction, and if it hadn’t been blown off course by the wind, it would have reached its target. She took a deep breath, her eyes smiling. Meanwhile, my heart started pounding wildly and I swallowed with difficulty.
What did this woman want? And how could she be so audacious as to ogle me in this brazen, intense fashion? Indeed, how could she engage in this silent pursuit of me when she had no previous acquaintance with me, and had only seen me twice in her life—once today and once the day before? I became muddled and agitated. In fact, I’d become so preoccupied with the balcony that I only cast the most fleeting, perfunctory glances at the entrance to the kindergarten, and when I did so, I hardly saw a thing. Noticing that I’d looked her way, she crossed her legs, thereby drawing my eye forcibly to a large swathe of her thighs, whose meeting and intertwinement caused alluring dark folds to appear. Feeling something akin to the rush brought on by a shot of booze, my throat went dry and my emotions overcame my shyness to the point where it melted as snow melts under the sun’s fiery rays. I stared at her without shame or hesitation. Then what should she do but get up and leave the balcony, leaving me in an unbearable tumult! I said to myself irritably: What sort of abyss is opening up under my feet? Gradually, however, I regained my composure, and I felt the sting of remorse and shame. Casting the balcony an angry look, I muttered as I had the day before, “May she never come back!” Waiting might be tedious, but it was better than this evil that had begun to threaten me. I had no doubt that she was coming back, and I could have left the coffee shop forever and gone in search of some new location from which to carry on with my surveillance and waiting. However, I persuaded myself that this out-of-the-way coffee shop was the ideal location for my task.
The woman’s absence was a brief one, and before long she was back with a smile in her eyes. I was furious, not because she’d come back, but because of the pleasure I felt on account of it, and I thought to myself: She’s shameless, and I’ve never seen an uglier, more uncouth woman in my life! Even so, I went back to stealing glances at her, hoping she’d make herself at home and cross her legs again. I also went back to enjoying the way she aroused me with her looks and attention. Transported by her interest in me, I was ravenous for more. Was her attention anything but a response to my good looks and my slender build? In childish conceit I said to myself: Maybe she’s impressed with my green eyes, my fair complexion, and my towering height. Then all of a sudden there stole into my consciousness a voice that whispered to me sarcastically: And since when have your good looks done you any good? As the voice spoke I thought about my marital unhappiness, and it was as though a huge piece of ice had fallen on the flames of my enthusiasm. Suddenly I felt suffocated, my euphoria dwindled away, and instead I felt miserable and disillusioned. I put the balcony out of my mind and my thoughts went rushing toward the kindergarten. I wanted the truth to be revealed to me, however ugly or harsh it happened to be, so that I could settle the matter once and for all. And I hoped—if such a thing was bound to happen—to see the person who’d penned the letter meeting with Rabab and speaking to her today rather than tomorrow or the day after that. In fact, at that moment there was something else in my mind that’s hard to put into words. It was as though I hoped my suspicions would be confirmed. I’m not mistaken about thi
s. This was the fact. Yet how can I explain it? Had my doubts and suspicions become such a burden to me that I wanted to be delivered from them even at this exorbitant price? Had I become so distressed over the strange inadequacy that had turned my marital life into a farce that I hoped to use my wife’s crime as an excuse to flee my life? Or was my overworked conscience looking for punishment and atonement? However, it was only a passing feeling, and just a moment later not a trace of it remained. Instead, a feeling of melancholy and resentment came over me. The woman left the balcony in response to a summons from inside the house and didn’t reappear. I waited for a long time, tossed to and fro by frightening thoughts and visions until another day of waiting had drawn to a close. As I had the day before, I saw Rabab coming toward the tram stop. There were no new developments, and we came home—she on the tram and I in the taxi. That evening she suggested that we go to the Cinema Royale together. I agreed to the idea without hesitation, and out we went.
53
On the morning of the third day, the taxi took me to the same destination. On the way I remembered the strange woman, and in my mind’s eye I could see her with her homely face and her fleshy, squat body. However, I wasn’t remembering her for the first time that morning. The thought of her had come to me while I was at home grooming myself in front of the mirror, a fact that had moved me to take extra care in combing my hair and putting on my necktie. As I did so I felt ashamed, guilty, and anxious. However, I cast the blame for my predicament on Rabab, whose bad behavior was what had driven me to this ridiculous spying operation.
Could I really say I hoped she wouldn’t appear on the balcony? Could I bear the day’s long wait without her presence and her delightful effrontery? I took my regular seat in the coffee shop and was approached by the waiter, who was clad in a faded robe, worn-out sandals, and a skullcap that was cocked toward the back of his head in such a way as to reveal a stiff tuft of hair. He greeted me in a way that may have been reserved for regular customers, and I ordered coffee that I proceeded to sip with loathing and disgust. Meanwhile, I wondered to myself resentfully what on earth could come of this loathsome espionage. Wouldn’t it better for me to desist from what I’d taken upon myself based on an unfair verdict and unfounded suspicion? After all, my wife had now spent two entire days under my watchful eye. Had I seen anything that would give me cause to distrust her? Had I observed any sort of annoyance or discontentment? Wasn’t she, as I’d always known her to be, the embodiment of serenity, warmth, and happiness? Such thoughts brought with them a sense of assurance and relief. More time passed, and before long I was weary and bored. I looked at my watch, thinking: Shall I inquire of it about the time that’s passed, or ask it when the window is going to open? At any rate, the window did open and the woman appeared with her usual coarseness and gaudy adornment. When she saw me her eyes bulged out in disbelief and she raised her penciled eyebrows as if to say: You’re still there? She looked down to conceal a smile, and my heart fluttered with joy. Then I began feeling ashamed of myself again, so I began telling my conscience that I wasn’t looking to do anything wrong, and that someone in my circumstances had the right to feel happy if he received attention from a woman. Indeed, I was innocent, I reminded myself. I’d come to this coffee shop with a purpose that had nothing to do with this woman, and in a few more days I’d be abandoning the entire neighborhood forever, never to bring her to mind again. As for the woman, she disappeared from the window, opened the balcony, came out with her chair and sat down in the corner facing me, her eyes smiling like those of someone who needs no further introduction. By now I’d become more able to endure the situation. However, I still pretended to be looking at the main street while looking furtively now and then at her compact, sturdy legs through the iron bars of the balcony. I hadn’t gotten over my awkwardness. In fact, it may even have increased in response to the way her eyes twinkled whenever they met mine. What an audacious woman! She could do whatever she pleased without fear. As for me, I had no choice but to avert my gaze. And I wondered: Has it occurred to her that I’m married? And that I only came to this coffee shop in order to catch my wife red-handed in the act of betraying me? Would she go on being interested in me if she knew all this? The questions I’d posed to myself left me feeling pained and humiliated. I began wondering to myself: Who is she? Is she married, or a widow? What does she want? Then I happened to lean my left elbow on the table and rest my chin on the back of my hand. And what should she do but lean her left elbow on the edge of the balcony and rest her chin on her hand with a playful look on her face. I was so embarrassed by her teasing, I couldn’t see a thing for a moment, and my heart started pounding so hard, it was ringing in my ears. She was flirting with me openly now. I felt as though “manliness” required that I overcome my inertia, but I didn’t make a single move. In fact I was so flustered, I was in a pitiful state. I removed my left arm from the table and folded my arms over my chest, and in no time she had withdrawn her arm from the edge of the balcony and folded her arms over her chest, her grin broader than ever. I smiled in spite of myself as I looked down, feeling indescribably self-conscious. However, smiling released some of my pent-up anxiety, and I relaxed a bit. I was even able to experience again some of the happiness I had seen. I was acutely aware of the age difference between us, and it felt good. I wished I could go back to being twenty years old or younger. Lord! I was falling for her hook, line, and sinker! But I didn’t care about anything anymore. Just then I glanced down toward Kamal Street, and at the corner, I happened to see the outline of a woman turning left. However, she disappeared from view because the coffee shop wall had come between us. Thinking I’d seen a lead-gray coat like Rabab’s, my heart started beating so wildly, it nearly came out of my chest. What would have caused her to leave the school at this time? What would have made her turn left when she would need to turn right to go to the tram stop, assuming she had some legitimate reason to come home? I jumped to my feet and went racing down to the main street, throwing caution to the wind. I looked in the direction the lady with the lead-gray coat had gone, only to find a fifty-year-old woman rushing down the sidewalk. I sighed deeply and, as I did whenever I escaped from a predicament, murmured, “I seek refuge in God from the accursed Satan!” Then I went back to where I’d been sitting in a state of near exhaustion. Never in my life will I forget the panic I went into that day. And if this was the state I was in when nothing had happened, what state would I have been in if my fears had been realized? I looked up at the balcony and saw the woman staring, bewildered, into my face. Her eyes seemed to be asking what had come over me. As for me, I broke into a smile. I’d been so upset that I forgot my shyness, and I smiled. So now we weren’t hiding our smiles anymore. Nor were we hiding the silent conversation between us, which expressed itself sometimes with the eyes and other times with the eyebrows. Nor was the infernal sensation I was experiencing a secret to me any longer. If what I was feeling had been love, I would have been gripped with fear and anticipated the consequences. However, it seemed perfectly clear to me, so I didn’t lose my confidence. I sat there for over an hour receiving this flirtation silently, bashfully, and with an amazing erotic satisfaction. Then the woman got up and stretched, and as she did so, her robe parted to reveal a succulent, swelling bosom that threatened to make her translucent pink blouse burst at the seams. She cast me a friendly parting glance, then winked before disappearing behind the door. She’d left me in a blazing inferno whose flames consumed the remaining hours of my wait. When her workday was over, Rabab left the school and headed as usual for the tram stop, then we came home, each of us in our own way. That evening we didn’t go out, since Radiya and her husband came to visit us and we had an enjoyable family gathering.
54
As we were waiting for the tram together on the fourth day, Rabab said to me, “I’ll be late coming home today, since I’m going to visit a colleague of mine who’s been absent from the school for the past two days.”
I shot her a suspicious
look which, if she’d seen it, would have led to no good. Then I quickly looked down, holding my feelings in check.
“Where does she live?” I asked nonchalantly.
“In Heliopolis.”
“And when will you be back?”
“The time the visit takes plus the time I need to get back.… I’ll be back by seven at the latest.”
So, she’d begun trying to avoid my oppressive company! I stole a furtive glance at her, and she looked dazzling to me. But the next moment I was gripped by a sudden impulse to fall on her with an ax and split her in two. When the tram arrived and we got on, I was in a bad way indeed. I got off the tram at the ministry stop and hailed a taxi, which delivered me posthaste to the Nubians’ coffee shop. I greeted the closed window with a long look, then returned to my thoughts. That visit to Heliopolis. I wasn’t going to let her go alone. I was determined to follow her somehow, but would my effort succeed? Supposing I trailed her to Heliopolis, then saw her going into a house or a building. How could I possibly know what lay within its four walls? She might really be visiting a colleague of hers, or she might be in a lover’s arms. Trembling violently, I bit down till I could hear my teeth grating against each other. However, I was determined not to go back on my resolve. I would follow her, and perhaps I’d see the two of them together in the street. In fact, I might find it easier than I’d imagined to catch her in the act. This is so horrible! I thought. At the same time, though, it was the most likely thing to bring me relief. After all, if catastrophe was bound to strike, it would be more merciful for it to happen quickly. Overwhelmed by anxiety and apprehension, I was certain I wouldn’t be able to endure the day. I looked over at the closed window and fixed my gaze on it in something like a cry for help. I felt as though I were being crushed by a violent force, and I longed for an outlet for some of the fierce emotions that raged deep inside me. I ached to get things off my chest, even if the process brought guilt and ignominy in its wake. At ten o’clock the window opened and the homely face greeted me with a bright smile. My attention shifted to her, delivering me from myself. I fixed my gaze on her with a boldness I’d never known myself to have. My features relaxed in spite of myself, and I reciprocated her greeting. She disappeared from the window, and my eyes preceded her to the balcony. However, the wait lasted longer than usual. Then she appeared in the window again, and what should I find but that she’d put on a coat and gotten ready to go out. A thought flashed through my mind like lightning: Was she going to invite me to go somewhere with her? A wave of pleasure, indecision, and fear came over me. How badly I needed the invitation! But did I dare leave Rabab on this crucial day? It was a day worth an entire lifetime! My very fate was bound to Heliopolis. Still, how was I going to resist the woman’s invitation if it came? She finished making herself up, then stood there looking at me, beaming and relaxed. Then she looked at something in front of her. My eyes followed her, and what should I find but that her fingers were folding up a small piece of paper, then refolding it from both ends. She looked up and down the street, then threw it, and it landed near my feet. I picked it up hurriedly and unfolded it. Redolent with an intoxicating perfume, it contained these words: “Wait for me at seven sharp this evening at the bridge at the end of the tram line.” I was relieved to find that she’d unwittingly given me some lead time. But would I be able to keep the appointment if I agreed to it? Wasn’t there something in Heliopolis that would keep me from it? I didn’t have time to think, as she was peering at me questioningly and waiting for my response. Hence, I had no choice but to nod my head in agreement. Smilingly at me sweetly, she bade me adieu with a nod of her head, then closed the window. I understood that she must be going out on a visit or some such thing. Thus it was that, propelled forward by that weakness in me that doesn’t know how to say no, I’d committed myself to the proposed rendezvous even though I didn’t know where I’d be at the agreed upon time. And thus it was, also, that I’d fallen into the very transgression I was accusing my wife of! Was I likely to be glad that I’d taken this daring step, or would I live to regret it? Would the day end with love, or in tragedy? How I loathed life at that moment! I merged with a stream of consciousness that was a kaleidoscope of conflicting emotions: from joy to fear, from hope to despair, and from eagerness to apathy. At last, though, it was topped off with a wave of longing for adventure as a way to escape from the burden of worry that had brought me to my knees and nearly run me into the ground. After reading the paper countless times, I folded it up and slipped it in my pocket.
The Mirage Page 31
