by Ella Fields
He’d always been there, no matter which rumor had spread, or who had tried to mess with me. Always.
Except for now.
Everything had changed now, and it was all my fault.
Anger flared in my heart for the way he’d so easily shut me out and for the way I’d accidentally thrown us away. I knocked the box off the bed, watching as the photos spilled out, scattering over the rug and wooden floor.
Peggy
To say school felt foreign without Dash’s brooding presence would be an understatement.
The halls felt smaller, the floor lacking its usual sheen, and I could hardly stand to look at Lars, Jackson, and Raven.
I wanted so badly to ask them how he was, if he still hated me, and if I could maybe use their phones to call him. Perhaps his wasn’t always off. Perhaps he wasn’t not online. Perhaps he was simply avoiding me.
The words that’d scraped over his tongue and flew through the air to slam me in the very core of who I was couldn’t be erased. Neither could what I’d done. He hadn’t even given me a chance to explain, but he wasn’t Willa or Daphne. He wouldn’t rationalize it the way they had.
He might have been my best friend but not in the same way. He wouldn’t understand.
Not when he’d told me he’d fallen for me just hours before I’d broken his heart.
Kayla twiddled her fingers at me, then mouthed the word, “Whore.”
“Jesus,” I breathed, dragging my eyes away from the pleased look on her pretty face.
“Ignore it, Peggy,” Willa said.
I tore a bite out of my sandwich, tasting nothing as I chomped, then forced it down with some water. “It’s not fair,” I said, my head aching as the chatter and laughter pummeled me. “He gets to continue as if he hasn’t been a complete asshole, and I have to just take it?”
Daphne threw a look over her shoulder to where some of the guys on the lacrosse team were sitting in the back corner of the cafeteria. “I know, but at least he looks like a squashed grape.”
Byron didn’t look too good. His eyes were still swollen, as was half his face, but he tried to smile it away as if it was nothing.
When his eyes met mine, he stared for a half minute, then looked back at his friends.
“That’s it,” I said, standing. “Fuck this.”
“Whoa,” Daphne said, following me as I forced my shaking legs to their table.
It was mere meters away, yet it felt like I was walking a mile as every eye watched my approach.
I squared my shoulders. “A word, Byron?”
A few guys laughed, trying to hide it by ducking their heads. Byron took his time giving me his attention, and I almost flinched at all the multi-colored bruising up close. “You finally breaking up with me?”
I withheld a shocked laugh. “Just follow me.”
I didn’t know if he would, but as I neared an empty table in the opposite corner and Daphne returned to her seat at ours, I felt his gaze on my back.
I only bothered sitting because everyone was already paying us enough attention. Standing would only make us more of a spectacle, potentially attracting Mr. Andrews’ attention.
Byron sighed as he sat with his legs facing away from the table as though he was ready to bail. “So what’s up?”
“What’s up?” I repeated.
He tipped a shoulder. “Figured this was coming, so let’s just get it over with.”
“You figured?” I didn’t think I’d ever felt so angry, so quickly in my entire life. Not even the time Dash hosted a sleepover at his place in seventh grade compared. When he’d told everyone I had head lice so I couldn’t play spin the bottle. Nothing compared to the boiling tensing of every limb as I stared at Byron’s nonchalant expression. Well, as nonchalant as one could appear with half their face bruised to hell. “If you thought you needed a formal breakup after all this, you’re not just a spineless dick, you’re a clueless one too.”
He rubbed his lips together, staring down at the table. “That it?”
“No,” I said, leaning forward and hissing through my teeth. “That’s not fucking it. What gave you the right to think you could betray me like this and figure I’d just be okay with it?”
My chest was heaving, and he had the audacity to glimpse at it before meeting my eyes. “So I told a few friends?” He spread his hands. “It’s not a big deal, Peggy.”
“It’s not a big deal that the entire school has been talking about us? About me?”
His jaw tightened. “Calm down.” He looked around, hands raised. “People saw us. My friends knew. We never showed at the party, and we’d left homecoming together. It was tell some teammates the truth or have them think we went all the way by not saying anything.”
I sat back, still seething but stumped. “They thought we went all the way?”
“What else would you think they’d assume after knowing where we’d been?”
I could feel my face drain as I floated away, adrift and blinking. “I don’t know.”
He leaned forward. “Look, I never planned for this to happen, Pegs. But I didn’t think they’d get this crazy, and I didn’t want lies spread about you. You’re my girlfriend,” he paused, “or you were. I hate to say this, but the only reason it’s such a big deal is because you’re walking around acting like you’ve been slapped.”
“Are you kidding?”
“No. That was harsh, but it’s true.” He sucked his lip, then winced and ran a finger over one of the healing cuts on it. “I waited all weekend for you to call and assumed you regretted what we did when you never did.” He looked at me then. “Which, it’s clear now that you do.”
“Byron—”
“Did you ever want me, Peggy?”
Guilt clogged my insides. “I did.”
He frowned, his hand grabbing mine. “This doesn’t need to be over, you know.” Our eyes met, the remnants of Dash’s hurt lingering over his face. My stomach roiled. “I know you said you were confused, but we can talk about it. If we walk out of here together, they’ll shut up sooner.”
I pulled my hand back and laughed, crazed and loud as I stood, my body engulfed in a cloud of suspended disbelief.
“Peggy, wait,” he called.
I didn’t. I waded back to my seat as jeers and laughter started up. I’d probably embarrassed him. Good. It was only a tiny morsel of what he deserved after leaving me to feel embarrassed for days.
“Are you okay?” Willa asked when I returned to our table.
“So not okay,” I muttered as the ache in my head spread to my eyes. “I hate this.”
Daphne patted my back, and then a commotion over by the doors had our heads spinning.
Lars had just stalked through them, and the teacher was calling after him. Annika was standing a few feet back from Mr. Andrews with a pinched face.
Daphne’s hand stilled. “What the hell?”
I wasn’t sure what had happened between them, but as I spied the crease marring Daphne’s forehead, I knew she was dying to find out.
The bell blared, and everyone started heading to the doors, but we waited.
“Aren’t you and Lars seeing each other?” Willa asked, tugging at the hem of her blouse.
“Seeing each other’s a nice little label for it,” Daphne admitted, then sighed. “But yes, we’re still seeing each other.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to ask more, but Willa beat me to it. “Exclusively?”
Daphne swallowed, then started collecting her trash. “Yeah.”
So it was understandable that she was wondering, probably a lot more than we were, about why Lars and Annika appeared to have had some kind of fight.
The rest of the day dragged, the clock in each classroom threatening to make my head explode as I twitched with agitation. My chat with Byron had changed nothing. He wouldn’t try to change anything. It would kill his pride and deflate that ego at this point.
Asshole.
“Hey, Newland,” Wade said during history, a p
encil tapping at the edge of his desk. “You and Woods done?”
I didn’t want to pay him any mind, but I couldn’t help but say, “So done.”
He turned his attention back to the board, and I gave mine to a dent in the table, chewing on my nails.
When class finished, students hustling for the door all at once, Wade lingered as I got up and collected my things. “Think I can have your number?”
I blinked at his grinning face. “Um, no. Sorry.” I didn’t know why I bothered apologizing. Maybe it was the shock, but I hauled out of there in an instant.
At my locker, I grabbed my bag, stuffing the books I’d need for homework inside, when yet more whispers and gasps reached me. “You’ve got to be freaking kidding me,” I said, slamming my locker and about to scream my way out of school.
I stopped as Daphne neared me, grabbing her books.
“Hey, Daph, if you’re done with Annika’s baby daddy, call me,” Danny said, gesturing with his hand to his ear. He and his friends laughed as they backed down the hall.
“Baby daddy?” I turned to Daphne.
Her mouth parted, and she seemed to fade into the rows of beige-colored lockers behind us. “He knocked her up.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement soaked in shock.
Which was confirmed when Willa raced over, worry etching her face and words. “You heard?”
Daphne jerked her head.
We stood frozen as half the school departed, and when Lars shouldered his bag, his head lowered as he walked down the hall, he didn’t even look at Daphne.
I passed the choc chip to Daphne and took the peppermint, dunking my spoon in.
We’d declared an emergency scrapbook meeting at my place, which had turned into an ice-cream pity party before we’d even made it here.
“Have you tried calling him?” Willa asked.
Daphne shook her head, her eyes red. I didn’t know if I’d ever seen her cry before, and I didn’t know that it was fair she looked even prettier when she did. “I don’t want to.”
Willa and I both nodded in understanding.
“When did it happen, though?” I asked aloud, finally. “I mean, you said you guys have been exclusive.”
“Only for a few weeks.” Daphne stabbed her spoon into the tub. “We’d kissed at the start of summer, but I thought it’d be a one-time thing until I saw him at Wade’s before school started.”
“I heard he and Annika hooked up before break. I also heard that it could be his baby or Coach Lenton’s.”
I snorted. “Seriously? He’s like forty.”
Willa shrugged. “He’s not bad for forty.”
Daphne stared at her ice cream. “I think that second one is just a rumor.”
I nodded. “But how do we know there’s any truth to any of this, then?”
“There’s a kernel of truth to every lie,” Daphne said.
I scowled, hating how much I’d lied to not only Dash but also myself.
Willa knocked my foot with hers.
I blew out a breath, ditching the ice cream on the window sill and flopping down onto my pillows. “And the look on Annika’s face at lunch.”
“Oh, yeah,” Daphne said, scoffing. “She’s definitely with child.”
“She looked scared,” Willa said.
Daphne grunted, and Willa apologized.
“No,” Daphne said. “You’re right. But wouldn’t you be? She’s not even eighteen until next month, if my memory is correct.”
The minutes ticked by as Daphne assaulted her ice cream while Willa and I stared up at the ceiling.
“How did we get here?” I pondered, my heart hurting. “Sad, confused, and left in impossible situations.”
Willa hummed.
When Daphne started crying again, harder this time, I sat up and took the ice cream, setting it aside as Willa handed her some tissues. While Daphne tried, unsuccessfully, to control everything she was feeling, I realized something.
She and Willa might have been in impossible situations, but I wasn’t. I didn’t have to keep feeling like this if I didn’t want to.
I had to find a way to make him talk to me.
Dash
Pregnant.
I wished I could say that he had it worse than me, and yes, I was the kind of asshole who compared, but I was pretty sure he still had a functioning heart. Even if it was in a state of shock.
“What are you going to do?” Rave asked, sitting on the frame of his bike.
He was an idiot. He could fuck it up, and that thing would cost two grand to replace. We didn’t ride cheap.
Paper crackled, and then Lars blew out a smoke-filled exhale. “I don’t even know.”
More silence.
I wasn’t sure what it was about these kind of moments in life, the ones that came crashing in and wrecked everything to hell, reducing everyone to wordless wonderings, but I didn’t like them. It was akin to playing victim, lying down and taking it.
I was no pushover. I was getting so fucking sick and tired of taking it.
I pulled out my phone, staring at the stream of texts from Peggy that I’d ignored. Well, ignore would be the wrong choice of word, considering I’d stared at each one for hours.
Freckles: I’m sorry, Dash.
Freckles: I need to talk to you. Please talk to me.
Freckles: Why won’t you answer? At least text me back. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m sorry.
Freckles: I think I’ve made a huge mistake, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
My nostrils flared as I read the last one she’d sent, and then I pocketed my phone.
“Is she going to keep it?” I finally asked the question we all wanted an answer to.
Lars nodded. “She’s already a few months along.”
I didn’t think that meant she had to keep it, but there was no way I was taking part in a pro-life debate. I didn’t care enough to get that involved.
“What about Daphne?” Jackson asked, his hands hanging over the front of his handle bars. He was the only one not sitting. Instead, he hunched over his bike.
Lars made a grunting noise, and I glanced at him in time to see his eyes shut briefly. “Can we not? I …” He tossed his blunt, sighing as his head hung. “I don’t know.”
Maybe his heart was as fucked as mine after all. But I was still the winner.
“How did it happen? You didn’t wrap beforehand?”
I huffed, plucking out a cigarette and lighting it. “Please. As if he needs lessons on safe sex now.”
Rave grimaced. “My bad.”
“It broke.” Lars chuckled, the sound lacking humor. “It was hers, and when I’d asked if she’d butchered it on purpose, she’d laughed and said she would never tie herself to a guy on a scholarship with no money. She isn’t that stupid.”
“I beg to fucking differ,” I said through a laugh, then shut my trap when Rave glared at me. The way Annika had all but begged to suck my dick came knocking, interrupting my gloom. The look of dismay on her face when I’d left the laundry room at that party without fucking her now made horrifying sense. She was desperate enough to try to pin the pregnancy on someone else, anybody else so long as their bank accounts were fat enough.
For once, I chose to keep my thoughts to myself.
“I put it on knowing it was too small but not giving a shit. I’d done it before.”
We all mumbled our agreement. “Happens.”
“But I didn’t think it’d fucking break.”
Again, more silence.
I’d been at home all week with nothing but silence. I wanted noise. I needed mayhem. “When and where is the next party?”
They all looked at me like I was nuts, but Lars tipped his head back, thinking. “There’s a couple tomorrow night. One down by the bay and another at Rosetta Carmichael’s for her eighteenth.”
“You wanna go?” I asked him. “We can get fucked up.”
Lars nodded. “Hell yeah, I do.”
The other two nodded too, and
then Lars moved the topic to me.
“Talked to Peggy?”
I flicked ash from my cigarette, laughing through a cloud of smoke. “Fuck no.”
Jackson scratched at his stubble. “She handed Byron his ass at school.”
I didn’t want to know. I didn’t need to know. “How?”
Mother of shit.
As if he could read the ongoing torment between my brain and heart, Lars smirked.
Rave kicked at his pedal, bending over to check it. “Marched over to the team’s table and made him follow her to one of their own.”
She’d let him touch and kiss her, then invited him to lunch? My fists clenched, and nerve-endings zinged as the cigarette crumpled, burning me. I dropped it.
“Pretty sure they broke up,” Lars said.
Jackson belched. “Yup. In front of the entire cafeteria.” He chuckled. “I’ve never seen Miss Peggy Sue look so mad. Not even that time you put ants in her lunch box.”
I scowled. “I didn’t do that.”
Jackson’s face scrunched as he prepared to launch into the bowl. “Ah, yes you did. And a million other fucked-up things.”
“I was her best friend,” I defended.
“And her biggest tormentor.” He took off, leaving me stupefied.
“Damn,” Raven said. “Ants? I reckon you should consider yourself lucky that girl even put up with you.”
I growled, getting up and swinging my leg over my bike. “Fuck all of you, you don’t know shit.” They didn’t. They didn’t know how close we’d come to venturing into something life changing. Instead, we’d ventured into something neither of us could recover from.
And it was all her fault.
Lars heaved out a sigh as he stood and picked up his piece of shit bike. It wasn’t shit, it was actually awesome, but it was old as hell. “I need a fucking drink.”
“I fucking hear that.”
Rave clucked his tongue. “So which one are we going to tomorrow night?”
“Any. Both,” I said. “Don’t even care.”
I might have been grounded, considering I’d been suspended from school, but I’d been grounded over a hundred times in my life and never once had I actually abided by it.
