Freya decided she had to try to sleep. The headache was no motivation to keep her eyes open, and sleeping would also give her a break from Colin. She did not mean to punish him, but no part of her was ready to offer him reassurance or comfort him. They would stay coupled, but it would never be the same again. That was not what really saddened her. What truly, truly broke her heart was that the happiest time of her life hadn’t even been real.
***
The next morning, they danced awkwardly around each other. It was obvious that neither one of them wanted to fight, but they weren’t ready to talk about things either. All of their speech and actions were polite, but there was absolutely no affection in anything they said or did. They walked together, and Colin held her hand, but her only motivation for allowing that was to appease the prying eyes of the cameras, and there was absolutely no warmth in it. When it was time for them to part, Colin kissed her on the forehead and told her he loved her, but she simply wished him a pleasant day. After she finished her civil duty, she spent extra time exercising. She hoped her anger at him would abate, but she knew that was going to take some time.
The next day fell into a similar pattern as the day before, as did the day after that and the one after that. Then, one evening when Freya returned to the apartment, she was surprised to see that the evening meal was not on the table. Confused, she walked into the bedroom and found Colin sitting on the bed, with two plates in front of him, both untouched. He was obviously going to try to force a conversation, and that made her nervous.
“We need to talk,” he said, then got up and shut the door behind her. He motioned for the bed, suggesting that she sit down.
She couldn’t see a way out of it, so she sat.
“I’ve been thinking about this over and over. I understand that you are angry with me, and you have a right to be, but you have to hear me out. I at least deserve that.” He paused, as if waiting for an outburst from her, but she simply grabbed a plate of food and began to eat. “Do you love me?”
Freya could not answer, even though she knew she should.
“Okay, well, did you think you loved me before I came back?”
She still could not answer or even look up at him.
“Well, I have news for you. I’m the same person today that you fell for. I did those things before I fell in love with you, but then I chose you. I didn’t just choose to stay with you when the State offered me to be recoupled either. I chose you over the rebellion, because I knew I couldn’t have both. The rebellion is something I have believed in since I was a child, but I chose us. I’ve sacrificed my friends, my family, and my beliefs for you, and that has to count for something. Now it’s your turn to make a choice, will you choose to forgive me? I want things to go back to the way they were, the way things should be. Your other choice is to report me.”
“Colin, I already said I won’t report you.”
“See? That’s the problem. You need to choose to be with me, to really be with me, or you have to let me go, and reporting me is the only way to get rid of me. I can’t live like this, Freya. I just can’t. I can’t live beside you every day if you hate me. You’re not doing me any favors buy letting me live here if we’re both just going to be miserable for the rest of our lives. I can’t handle that. I can’t handle being near you but not with you, and I especially can’t handle you being miserable, knowing I caused it. So if this is it, if this is all we’ve got, you need to report me, and I will be gone from your life forever. Don’t keep me here thinking you’re sparing me punishment, because you’re not. This is just…a different kind of prison if you hate me.”
She still could not look up at him. “So what? You want to die?” she finally blurted. “Is that it? Would that be better? You want me to believe you’d rather live in prison or be put to death than live here if I’m mad at you? You’re ridiculous. I’m sorry I can’t magically make things go back to the way they were, but I’m just not made that way! I think in time, things might get better than they are now, but I can’t see it ever being like it was. I’m sorry if you can’t handle that, but it’s still better than dying. You can’t force me to report you, and you can’t force me to be in love with you, so no, the choice is actually yours, as to how you are going to cope with that.”
“So that’s it? You can’t forgive me, and you won’t turn me in?” He paused. “I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. I do have another choice. I can turn myself in. I really hope you’re happy with the next person they couple you with. I hope he is good enough for you, Freya, because you deserve to be happy,” he said, then he got up and walked out of the bedroom.
It took Freya a moment to comprehend what he was saying, why he was leaving. When she did, she jumped off the bed and was ready to run after him, but he hadn’t made it out of the apartment. Instead, he was standing in front of the monitor, just staring blankly. Freya slowly walked over to him, trying to understand what he was up to. “Colin?”
He continued to stare at the screen for a moment, then turned to look at her.
She had never seen him looking so pale and blank-faced before.
“Looks like you’re off the hook. Thank you for following me. I will always remember that you at least thought about trying to stop me,” he said, still holding that strange, catatonic gaze.
“What are you talking about?” she pleaded, hoping to understand. Somehow, the conversation had changed into something completely different from the one they were just having in the bedroom, but Freya couldn’t comprehend why.
“I’m being called in. The monitor was flashing, with a new message. Look,” he said, pointing to the screen. “I know it wasn’t you, and you’ll have a clean conscience in this. I am glad for you.”
Freya pushed past him to read the message he was looking at, a notice from the State:
Colin 485:
You have been chosen for a recognition of distinction. Please report in for acceptance of your accolades. A special assignment will follow.
Regards,
The State
Freya read it over several times. “Why are you so upset to receive an award?”
Colin simply shook his head. “Like I told you, this is how they do it. If I go in on my own, it will cause less of a scene. They don’t ever say why you’re really being called in, because if they did, people would try to run,” he said, tears now running freely down his cheeks.
“Colin, you are overreacting. You thought the same thing on your last assignment, and it was just an assignment. I think you just need to calm down. This is a good thing. You must have done a good job on your assignment, and they want to promote you or something.”
Colin turned to her, put his hands on her shoulders, and looked her deeply in the eyes.
“I love you. I always have and always will. Don’t you ever forget that, no matter what they tell you. I love you, and as long as I am alive, just know that, okay? I’m really sorry. I wish they had paired you with someone better. I really do. This is so unfair to you,” he said, then pulled her into a tight embrace, so tight she almost couldn’t breathe. “At least I got to say goodbye. I wish they would have taken me before, when you still loved me. Please remember me well, Freya. Please remember the good times and not just the mistakes I made,” he said, then let her go and walked out the door.
Chapter 15
Freya could not entirely wrap her head around what had just happened. All she knew was that she had been too hard on him. He was overreacting, and she was sure he would be back, but the least she could have done was try harder to put his mind at ease. He was walking into an assignment, possibly a dangerous one, and he thought she didn’t love him anymore. Of course she did, but her actions said differently.
The news of Colin being part of the rebellion felt like a hot slap in the face. It wasn’t just that though; there was also great hurt that came with knowing he had hidden that from her for so long. Actually, it wasn’t even that. Most of all, she just felt stupid for being so unaware. It made perfe
ctly good sense that he didn’t tell her, because from the moment they met, he knew how compliant she was. If he had told her in the beginning, she would have reported him, and she wouldn’t have fallen for him. It was really herself she was mad at. She was furious that she was so clueless, but there was also something deeper. Freya was mad that she wasn’t a good enough partner for him, that he didn’t feel he could trust her with the information.
Apparently, he was right about that, and the evidence was in how she reacted when she did find out. Colin was no longer associated with the rebellion. He had left it because of her, and she knew he shouldn’t have to apologize for what he had done in the past. He was the man she had fallen in love with, even if he was a former rebel supporter and a babbling idiot. Freya felt sick. Perhaps it is Colin who deserves a better partner, not me, she thought. She knew what she had to do the second he returned from his assignment: She had to throw her arms around him, tell him she loved him, and that all was in the past. She also had to beg for his forgiveness. She knew she could trust him with the fact that she had been invited to join the council. She had always trusted him before, and he’d always been on her side. He didn’t necessarily agree with or support the State, yet he had left the rebellion, and that did count for something after all.
She tried to get some sleep, but her mind was running a marathon. A very restless night was in store, which definitely would not make the time go any faster until he returned.
In the morning, Freya was exhausted as she dragged herself to the State House. There was no surprise when she looked at the tablet and saw that she was expected to stay there for the night. Part of her was relieved, as being in that apartment without Colin would only make her miss him more. She tried to engage herself in her work to make the time pass more quickly, but she had no such luck. Freya found herself checking the time every hour, as well as checking for messages. Her inbox remained as empty as she felt. Colin’s last assignment lasted about two days, so she hoped this one would be similar, if not return him to her sooner.
In the evening, Chastity walked Freya to the room and scanned her in. “You are all set. If you want to exercise, the scanner will recognize you there also.”
“Where?”
“There is a small private room here in the house. I can show you if you like.”
“I could just go to the normal place,” Freya said.
“Actually, you cannot. Come with me.” Chastity led her a little farther down the hall.
The room was small, and it was in the middle of the building instead of on the top floor. There were no windows, and it held only machines and no track.
“I know it is not as nice as the one you usually go to, but it is more secure and convenient for Victor. We are fortunate that he is willing to share this space with us,” Chastity said, then turned to leave.
Freya walked back to her room and changed into suitable exercise clothing. A workout was exactly what she needed at the moment, as a good run always made her feel better. Not only that, but knowing the space was there meant she had another way to pass the time whenever she stayed there.
She boarded a treadmill and began to walk. It was not as enjoyable as using the track, but it was still nice. She wondered if an alarm would sound if she ran too hard, but she decided not to test it out. The last thing she wanted was to lose access to the room, as she knew she would need it to maintain her sanity until she could go back home.
The next day, Freya didn’t see Victor. That made her feel relieved and aggravated at the same time. Part of her was dying to ask where Colin was and when he was coming home, but part of her knew better. The part of her that knew better also knew that if she had a single moment alone with Victor, she would not be able to control herself. Therefore, she just busied herself with work and exercise, then went to the small apartment inside the State House and worked on the revisions to the database. Victor had never confirmed that the database would be amended, but she also had not received any other information or contact about education for her new position as a councilmember. She toiled away, until her eyelids could no longer stay up on their own and she finally fell asleep.
Over three weeks had passed since Colin left on assignment, Freya was growing impatient, and even started to lose track of the days. She did not feel it was fair for them to take her partner and give her absolutely no information about how long he would be gone. Her mood sank even lower, and she began to snap at people in passing conversation. She was almost afraid that if Victor didn’t give her the answers she wanted, she would lose her temper and say something she would later regret. Another part of her was afraid she would burst into tears if they told her he’d be gone even one more day. She missed Colin fiercely, and now she understood why he was so upset about leaving the first time without telling her he loved her. The guilt of how she treated him, how she let him leave with no reassurance of her affections for him, was worse than the emptiness of missing him.
Freya tried to sneak past Victor’s office to get to the apartment without seeing him. He was sitting at his desk, speaking to Chastity, who was once again occupying his open doorway. Freya took a deep breath to calm herself. She was sure they were staging it, just like last time. Chastity stood in the doorway, talking to Victor, so they could casually pull her into a conversation, but there was nothing casual about it. They knew information about Colin, and they had most likely just been speaking about it.
“Hello, Freya. How are you?” asked Chastity in a friendly manner.
“I’m fine,” Freya lied. “How are you?” She was trying to keep a civil air, even though she was so close to losing her temper she could almost taste bile.
“Victor and I were both hoping you can join us again for the evening meal tonight. Does that suit you?”
Freya clenched her jaw, trying to keep her expressions neutral. The last thing she wanted was to have a meal with Victor, but she couldn’t exactly turn down a direct invitation from the head of State. “That would be nice,” she said, trying to keep her voice even.
“Great! Go ahead and wash up and meet us back here,” Chastity replied.
Freya walked past her, her entire body rigid. She changed into exercise clothing, hoping to be able to excuse herself early from the meal. She took her time to get changed and cleaned up, as no part of her wanted to spend more time than necessary with Victor. She stalled for as long as she could, then headed down to the office.
“Welcome, Freya,” Victor said with a kind smile. “We are so pleased you can join us tonight.”
She simply nodded in acknowledgment of his welcome but remained silent.
“It’s been so nice to have you here, Freya,” said Chastity.
Freya sensed that she meant it. It had never dawned on her before, but she suddenly realized it had to be somewhat lonely for Chastity at the State House.
“How long will you be staying with us this time?”
Freya did not answer. She simply looked directly at Victor, to see how he would respond.
His body language remained neutral as he answered, “We don’t actually know this time, Chastity. Colin did such a marvelous job on his last assignment, and I am afraid he’s now in high demand, much to Freya’s detriment.”
The concept of Colin being in high demand and called away on more assignments felt brutal, yet part of Freya was proud of him at the same time. She didn’t like the idea of them being separated at all, yet part of her thought maybe it was a good way for them to put the past behind them. If Colin was becoming so valuable to the State, she thought he might be invited to the council also. Maybe things really can go back to the way they were.
Victor and Chastity discussed frivolities over the meal, and Freya hardly listened to the conversation. She tried to keep her expressions polite and neutral, nodding occasionally and smiling in a friendly way, but she could barely stand to listen. Victor had acknowledged Colin would be gone regularly, so there was nothing more that she wanted to know. He obviously wasn’t going to tell
her where Colin was or when he was expected to return.
After they finished their meals, Freya excused herself for the evening. There were no protests from Chastity or Victor, since she hadn’t been contributing to the conversation anyway and wasn’t exactly in a good mood. She assumed they could tell that and feared she might get testy with them if they tried to stop her.
Freya started to walk toward the exercise room, with the information about Colin’s regular absence weighing on her mind. Halfway to the room, she realized she was not going to make it. Tears were already welling in her eyes, and no amount of running was going to stop that. She turned around and practically ran to her small apartment. Once she was inside, Freya made herself a vow: She would never again let Colin leave after they had been arguing. Better yet, she would learn to control her temper and stop arguing with him. It was really her stubbornness that had brought the fight on in the first place. She realized she had taken Colin for granted. He had done everything he was capable of to make their relationship successful, but she had been stubborn and difficult. Now, he could be sent off at any time, so she needed to appreciate every single moment she had with him.
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