He may have been good at controlling and hiding his emotions, but after living with him for a time, she could tell when he was putting on a show. Although she knew she could never really trust anyone, she felt that he spoke the truth to her. She always felt deep down that he had feelings for her; she just couldn’t admit it at the time. She had been too broken and scared.
Could he really become an ally? Was he affiliated with the rebellion already? Had he become a double agent just like I did? Or was he just seeing an opportunity for change and taking it? She needed more time with him, but she wasn’t sure how to go about contacting him or where it would be safe to talk.
She tried to focus again on her breathing. What a turn of events, right before she had to meet with Victor. Perhaps he really was just a test, and she had failed, and he already reported her. The worst part of that thought was the realization she didn’t really care. Perhaps this was what Ursa was talking about when she said everyone was ready to give up their life for the rebellion. Maybe you just got to the point where you know you have done everything you are capable of, and you are too tired to care if this is the end.
Her tablet chimed, alerting her to an appointment. It was time to go to Victor’s office. She was there in less than a minute. His door was closed, and so she knocked. James opened the door and welcomed her inside. The monitor was active on the wall, and a chair had been placed in front of it. Unlike a usual call, there was no face displayed on the screen, only an audio connection.
“Freya, welcome to your first interview by the Council,” said a female voice from the monitor. “We are all eager to meet you—we have heard so many great things about you over the years.”
Freya gave a slight bow to the monitor. She figured they could see her; she just couldn’t see who she was speaking to.
“Our first question for the evening is what kind of changes would you like to see happen if you were to become the head of State?” said a different male voice.
She thought for a moment before answering. This question sounded to her like a trap. If she told them what she really thought, she would be thrown out of the running, if not arrested. The State wanted people it could control. The head of State was a figurehead; it was the Council who held the real power.
“I think that change is inevitable.” She began in a soft, slow, careful tone. “Opening up the colony world will make sure of that. We will have more resources; hence population control can be revoked—yet I don’t think that one person can possibly anticipate the ripple effect that will create.”
She paused again, unsure if she should lead with population control. “I don’t know what that will look like, and I myself don’t expect to have the answers. I think that there needs to be data collected on each situation and looked at by a team in order to best strategize how to deal with those changes.”
A noise came through the monitor, and she knew it meant she had just been shut out of the conversation. They were all discussing what she had just said.
“Just to make sure we understand you correctly, you think we will need to change our population because of the colony world opening up?” asked a different female voice.
“Unless someone shows me data that proves otherwise, yes.” She took a deep breath, feeling very unsure of herself. She was doing her best to give them the impression she would do whatever they said, but she was doubting her own abilities to convince them of anything, or if she was heading down the correct path.
“There will be more land for agriculture—that alone will need more people to work that land. I think there were just enough people sent on the ship to get the colony world set up, but not enough to maintain it. The opportunities are endless with another world, but we need the manpower to work at it. We need to consider having more children, now if possible, so we can start to build up that manpower. We also need to consider the safety, or lack of safety, on this new world. There could be diseases, insects, animals, unstable weather, and so on. We are quite safe here—it is uncommon for someone to die of anything but old age. The other world will not have that luxury.”
The monitor made the same clicking sound, and she waited. Her heart pounded in her throat. The only comforting thought she held onto was that she wasn’t brought into Victor’s office because Lewis had reported her. It seemed he had either held his tongue, or perhaps it was just too late or inconvenient to arrest her at this hour. If I am not arrested by tomorrow morning, I will have to assume that Lewis is either safe or sent to gain more information. I will have to be careful to not give him any names or information he could use against the rebellion.
“Now, Freya, who do you think should have those children?” asked the male voice.
She let out a sigh and thought for a moment. “With all due respect, sir, I am just a gardener. There is a system in place now for who is chosen for reproduction, and how many children they have. I would prefer to leave that decision in their experienced hands.”
She held her breath, starting to second-guess her plan. Did they really want a puppet, or a leader? If they wanted a puppet, she was playing her part well. If they wanted a leader, she was not sure how to act, or whether she could turn the interview around.
“Who should be sent to the colony world? And how do you think they should be chosen?” asked a female voice.
“Again, ma’am, I think this system is already in place. I think our system of selection for civil duties is done well. I think our testing will show who would be suitable for the colony world and who wouldn’t be. I, for example, lack a sense of adventure. I would rather stay here with the comforts I enjoy. I am sure the screening would show who would thrive in that environment, and who would be better suited to maintain our civilization here. Of course, it would also depend on numbers needed.”
She held her hands interlocked tightly in her lap, trying to hide her trembling. The monitor made the clicking sound again, and so she waited.
“One last question for the night, Freya. Who should govern this colony world?”
“The head of State, of course,” she replied quickly. “If we had two different governments, it would only be a matter of time before we fell back into old habits, if you will. A currency would surely be created over time. We might start out peaceful, but eventually, it would lead to war. The only way colonization is possible is under one government.”
It was the only way it was possible in her mind; she just wasn’t honest about how she intended to lead the people. Either it was one government for both worlds, or the transport device would need to be destroyed, just as the rebellion intended. Her only chance at avoiding conflict was to find a moderate path to appease both sides.
“Thank you for your time and sharing your thoughts with us tonight. We will be in touch when it is time for your next interview.”
Freya nodded to the monitor, and got up to leave the room. She looked back at Victor, and he smiled proudly at her. It looked as though she had done well, and she had to hold onto that belief.
She closed the door, and heard James speak to the monitor. So much of her wanted to listen at the door, but she knew better. That one small act could be enough to get her thrown out of the running if she were caught. She had a job to do, and so she forced herself to return to her apartment.
Once the door had closed, she nearly fell into a crouched position on the floor. The stress and pressure of everything was almost more than her body could handle. She curled up with her back against the door and her head on her knees.
“It went poorly, I take it,” Lewis said.
Freya was so startled, her head hit the door when it snapped up.
“Ouch. Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” Lewis moved toward her. He crouched down so he stood in a squat next to her. “I knew you had a meeting, and that I needed to leave, but I didn’t exactly want to.”
“So you just decided to break in?”
He smiled softly. “It’s not really breaking in when you live in an access point to the military under
ground,” he answered. “If you want me to leave, I will, but I thought you could use someone to talk to.”
Part of Freya was still angry at him for just helping himself to her apartment, but so much of her did want some company. She didn’t indicate for him to stay or to go, which he took as an invitation to sit down beside her.
“So how did it go?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “It was short.”
“Well, that means you either said something so wrong that you have been taken out of the running, or you said exactly what they were looking for, and so they felt no need to continue. Now we just have to figure out which it is.”
Freya laughed. It was not that it was funny; it was more that it felt impossible to decode and find the meaning behind it all. She didn’t know what to think or feel.
“I don’t even want to try right now,” she replied. “I would actually rather talk about you. I know I haven’t seen you much in the last twenty years, but I was a little surprised to see you commit treason. Perhaps you could tell me that story.”
There was a part of her that genuinely wanted his company, but there was also a rather large part of her that was suspicious of him. It was best to get him talking, for him to show his hand, or at least to let her decipher whether his story was real or a cover.
“That is unfortunate. I was hoping to discuss your meeting so we wouldn’t have to talk about me.”
“I am afraid we are at an impasse then.”
He looked away for a moment, and then he gave his head a shake. “All my years of training never prepared me to deal with a woman as stubborn as you.”
“So you accept defeat then?”
“No, I accept our impasse.” He paused. “It is so good to see you.” He sighed as he looked away from her again. They sat there together in silence for a while, until Freya finally caved in, at least a little.
“I have to say, I have been in independent living for so long, it is strange to have a male in my apartment.”
Lewis laughed and looked at her again. “Not all the males in independent living are homosexual. You’re telling me no one ever caught your eye?”
“No, I think that chapter of my life ended a long time ago,” she answered.
The silence hung between them again, and then it was Lewis who gave in. “It ate away at my soul, that’s why.”
Freya looked at him, confused. It was an odd remark to make all the sudden, to give up so easily.
“You win. I’ll talk about it.” He lay down and rested his head on his hands. “I went on that mission with you to find people who were threatening to kill us all. The people we found, they were not a real threat, and I was ordered to torture and kill them anyway. I asked why, and was told it was not my place to ask, so I did it. Everything else I did after that, it just affirmed what I did was wrong. I no longer think the State is trying to keep us safe. I think they are just trying to control everything in order to stay in power.”
He stopped speaking and looked at Freya, as though he was trying to read her thoughts, or at least see what her reaction would be, but her face was void of any expression.
“I think our government needs to change,” he continued. “I have seen too many innocent people die, and for what? If the rebellion just wants a democratic government, or even a more moderate government than what we currently have, is that really so terrible? Why would we even need to still live with the laws that we have in place when the new world opens up?”
Freya laughed. It was not funny, but more dreadfully ironic. “You sound just like Ursa.”
“I know, and I killed her, and it keeps me up at night.” His eyes misted over slightly. “It was keeping me up before I knew that you knew. I don’t know if I will ever sleep again,” he added with a sarcastic laugh. “She was right, and that is why I had to kill her, why the State saw her as a threat. It is time for a new government, but the State doesn’t want to give up their control. I am tired, Freya; I am tired of fighting for a cause that I now know is a lie.” He paused again, still waiting for her to react, but she gave nothing away. “Can you ever forgive me? I know it is more than I deserve, but it just kills me that you resent me for what I did.”
Freya sighed. Words failed her.
“Sleeping pills help,” she finally said.
“No, they don’t, actually.” He countered, turning to look at her again. “It helps me to fall asleep, so I don’t have to think about it, but there is no protection from my dreams, and nothing for the dark spot inside my soul that it created when I am awake.”
“Lewis, you were under orders. There was nothing you could have done unless you wanted to be killed yourself,” she finally managed to say.
“I told myself that for a long time. I also added things like I was so much younger back then, so eager to be recognized, to get promoted, so much ego. But the reality is, I should have tried harder. I should have been willing to put myself on the line. Instead, I have been safe, and alone with my misery with nothing but time. The only thing that has kept me going was hoping that soon things would change.” He looked away again.
“Then I found out you were here, and a candidate. I need you to know, if you are on the side of the State and you will continue on with the status quo, do me a favor and report me. I have no cause left to live.” His eyes went from a mist to actual tears, a few of them even escaping the wells in his eyes. “But if you want to bring about change, I want you to know, I would die for you or kill for you. Just say the word.”
Freya shook her head; this was so much to take in. A mere few minutes ago, she was questioning whether he was sent to entrap her, to see whether his cover story held any validity. It was difficult to read anything past the face value of his words. It all added up in her mind; she would trust him, or at least start to, a little. He was nothing more than a broken man with an agenda born from pain which time had amplified, as opposed to healing it.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything right now. I know you. I spent so much time rethinking every facet of our mission.” He wiped away his tears. “You were protecting Ursa; you knew long before what she was. You were stalling, trying to find a way to give information without implicating her. I think you came back here to become the head of State, or at least to be someone influential enough to instigate change. I hope you went in there tonight and said exactly what they wanted to hear, and they choose you. I know your heart. I know what side you are on—the right one. I believe if anyone is capable of pulling this off, it is you. I believe in you, Freya, and I need you. The world needs you.”
It was now Freya who welled up with emotion. This sounded a little too familiar. “But I am just one person. What can I possibly do?” she said with a cracked voice.
“But you are not just one person, Freya. You have me, and I am sure there would be hundreds of others who would follow you. We have to play by the rules for now, but not forever.”
The pressure and responsibility placed on her shoulders felt like a force crushing her chest, making it difficult to breathe. Or perhaps it was twenty years without having someone to talk to. She began to sob, sob like she had not done since Ursa was alive and there to hold her.
Lewis reached out for her and pulled her head down onto his chest and soothed her while she wept. They laid together for some time, and she found great comfort in his embrace. Perhaps if they were still young, they would have stayed like that for much longer, but the floor really was not a comfortable place to lie, and their bodies were mature enough to feel that discomfort.
Freya got up and crawled into bed. Lewis hesitated for a moment, and then lay down next to her. He tucked his arm underneath her head and continued to rub her back with his other hand. She had learned to live without sex; it often didn’t even cross her mind anymore. But having him there with her, she realized she was starving to be touched. They didn’t talk any further; there was nothing more to say. He was not officially a part of the rebellion, bu
t he had the same beliefs. He wasn’t willing to die for a cause; it was his knowledge that if there was no change, there was nothing left to live for.
Freya started to drift off to sleep. Lewis asked whether he could spend the night there with her; and she consented, and she nestled into him even more. Her mind started to think of why him sleeping in her apartment could be a bad idea, and then she shut it out.
He was not Colin, and he never would be—but Colin was gone. He had just sworn himself to her, offering to kill or die for her. Perhaps she should accept him for what he was—he was a man who was broken, just as she was. He could be the friend and confidante she had been longing for, the support that she had so desperately needed. She had cared for him once. It was not truly love, but it was something, and given the right circumstances, it could possibly be more.
Chapter 7
When she woke up, Lewis was gone. Although part of her was disappointed, another part of her was relieved. There most likely would be no penalty for him sleeping in her room, but it was not a risk she wanted to take.
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