The room was warm and the blanket covering them made it even more so, but some of the heat was coming from inside Cam. She allowed herself to sweep a few strands of dark hair from Iris’s forehead with her fingers. Her touch was light and Iris didn’t move. Iris at least had the excuse of hours of heavy gardening whereas Cam had spent the day at her desk. She wondered if her excuse for falling asleep was simply feeling so at home with Iris on the couch.
Cam moved slightly, the arm that Iris was leaning against was tingling with pins and needles. The movement caused Iris to stir. Her eyelids fluttered and then her eyes opened.
“Hey, sleepyhead.” Cam smiled at her and watched as a look of confusion was followed by a jolt of comprehension as Iris moved quickly into a more upright position, breaking the contact between them.
“God, sorry, Cam, I didn’t mean…” Iris’s words were swallowed in a yawn. She stood, and the tangled blanket fell to the floor.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.” Iris had a worried frown on her face that Cam couldn’t understand.
“You mean literally or figuratively?” She aimed for a light tone, wanting to reassure Iris that it was okay.
“Both I guess. I think maybe the gardening took more of a toll than I expected. Sorry.”
“Don’t worry, I was asleep too. I woke up barely a minute before you. Guess the movie wasn’t scary enough to keep either of us awake.”
Iris shuffled from one foot to the other. “I should probably go. It must be late.” They both checked their watches. It was well past midnight.
Iris fished under the couch for her shoes, and tied them hurriedly. She picked up her bag, and headed for the door to the hallway. “I’ll pick you up Sunday for the match, normal time.”
Cam had never seen Iris move so fast. She had no idea what had just happened, but Iris was acting like there was something she was running away from. “Erm, sure, yeah. Big game for us.” She followed Iris into the hallway.
“Hey, Iris.” Iris turned to her, her eyes wide-awake now, but cautious and guarded for the first time all evening. “Don’t worry about falling asleep, please. I really didn’t mind. And I had the best time tonight.” She didn’t know what else to say.
Iris waited a beat before moving along the hallway toward the front door. Cam wasn’t sure she’d heard her, wasn’t sure she’d respond, until she turned to her.
“Me too.” Iris’s eyes held Cam’s for an instant and then she opened the door and left.
Confused about what had happened to cause Iris’s sudden departure, Cam moved back into the living room and picked up her phone. She yawned and stretched. The memory of her fingers brushing Iris’s hair from her forehead causing her to flush slightly. Iris’s skin had felt so soft, her face in sleep so peaceful. When Iris stood up and broke the contact, Cam felt the loss of it too much.
She really needed to face up to the fact that her feelings for Iris had crept well past platonic. She’d never really thought of herself as bisexual and she rarely found women attractive but she’d been with a woman before and she understood what feeling like this about Iris meant. She shook her head at her own stupidity in thinking she could sit under a blanket with Iris and watch a DVD like friends do without it meaning more than that to her.
Knowing what was happening didn’t help her figure out what to do about it. Having the feelings wasn’t fair to Ryan or Iris and, if she wasn’t careful, they would ruin everything. Ryan was her fiancé but she just couldn’t imagine making herself see less of Iris. The idea of that seemed unbearable.
Cam looked at her phone screen. It showed several text messages from Ryan. The person she was supposed to have these kinds of feelings for. She sighed. She’d slept through the beeps. She scrolled through them. The last one simply said, Okay I’m going to bed now. She knew Ryan would be pissed at her for not responding, but it was much too late to call him now.
On her way up the stairs to bed, Cam typed out a quick reply. Sorry. We fell asleep watching the DVD and I didn’t hear you text. Speak tomorrow xx.
Almost immediately, she received a text back. It was a shrugging emoji. No other comment and definitely no kisses. Yep, he’s definitely pissed at me. She frowned, pushing open the bedroom door and throwing the phone onto the bed as she headed into the en suite. Her mind was racing and her body was tense. She wasn’t a fool. It was the kind of tension she hadn’t felt in a really long time and she decided on a shower to wash it away before trying to sleep.
Chapter Sixteen
Cam poured herself a glass of prosecco. The team was sitting together in the pub, and everyone was in a buoyant mood. Cottoms had enjoyed an easy 3-0 victory, and their main rivals had only drawn their match today, meaning that Cottoms was now top of the league on goal difference. Two games left in the season and a real chance of winning the title.
Iris knew her mood was off. She had felt agitated all weekend, and while the exertions of the match had taken the edge off, she still felt weird. She’d gone home on Friday feeling embarrassed and couldn’t quite shake the feeling that she shouldn’t have allowed things to go so far. It was one thing to have a crush on a friend and quite another to allow yourself to sit next to them under a blanket in the dark and fall asleep in their arms with them having no idea just how good it felt.
She wasn’t being fair to Cam by having the feelings and not keeping more of a distance until they dissipated, and hell, she wasn’t even being fair to herself. It didn’t matter how many times she told herself that she hadn’t been the one to suggest sitting under the blanket, she still felt like a creep. Dreaming of Cam kissing her and then waking up to see Cam’s face leaning toward her was confusing and affecting in equal measure. The fact that Cam had seemed oblivious to it all was the only silver lining to the cloud.
By Sunday morning, Iris had narrowed her options down to two—say nothing and hope the crush burned itself out before Cam noticed, or say something and hope for Cam’s understanding while waiting for it to wear off. Neither option seemed great. She knew there was a third option that she was refusing to consider. It involved putting some real distance between her and Cam so that she could be sure to completely get the feelings out of her system, but to Iris, that felt like a doomsday option and she didn’t want to push that button. She just didn’t want to lose her connection with Cam, to sacrifice the friendship because of her stupid feelings. Not yet anyway. Probably not ever.
Cam leaned across to Iris. “It’s not fair that you can’t have a proper drink because you’re driving. Let’s leave the car here and get a cab home. I want you to be able to celebrate as well.” Cam’s face was a little flushed, her eyes were sparkling.
“I dunno. I’m not even sure we should be celebrating so soon. We’re not champions yet.”
“Are you trying to poop our party, party pooper?” She poked Iris as she said it, and pouted, and despite herself, Iris laughed. “Seriously, Iris, cut loose a little. C’mon, please.”
Cam poured some of the prosecco into a glass and pushed it across the table toward Iris. Her eyes contained what looked like a challenge, and Iris already knew that she would give in. Maybe a little alcohol would make her feel more relaxed.
She picked up the glass, raised it in Cam’s direction, and took a sip. “To premature celebrations.”
Cam raised her glass in return, seeming satisfied, before excusing herself to go to the bathroom. As soon as she departed, Hazel slid into Cam’s seat. “How goes it, bud? Not drinking and driving I hope.”
Iris looked at the glass. “Drinking but not driving. Cam persuaded me to go home by cab so I can join in the fun, though I think we might jinx things celebrating this early.”
“That’s just what Megan was saying. She’d have refused to accept Jackie’s free prosecco if she didn’t think it would have caused a riot.”
“She knows Vicki well,” Iris said.
Hazel looked at her with a hesitant expression. She obviously had something on her mind.
“Mate, don’t take this the wrong way, but is everything okay with you? Even Megan noticed your mood was off today. Jess was saying—”
“I’m really not interested in anything Jess has to say.”
Hazel held up her hands. “This is me, Iris, your best mate. I’m not Jess. I’m not here to gossip, I’m here to ask if everything’s okay. You know I love you, right?”
“Yes, I know you love me.” Iris sighed.
“Good. Then just know that you can talk to me, about anything. About anyone, y’know.” She nodded in the direction of the bathroom.
“Jeez, Hazel, were you at the back of the queue when they handed out subtlety?”
“What?” Hazel feigned ignorance but had the good grace to look a little guilty.
“If you’re talking about me and Cam, and I guess you are, because I know Jess is and probably everyone else for that matter, then don’t worry. She’s straight, she has a fiancé, and she’s perfectly safe around me. And it feels kind of shitty that everyone thinks she’s not.” Iris was trying not to lose her temper with Hazel, but she did want to make a few things clear to her.
“Even if I did have feelings for her—” Hazel started to speak, but Iris didn’t let her. “Even if I did have feelings for her, I can control myself. I’m not gonna jump on her you know. You can all chill the fuck out.”
“I know you, Iris. I know you won’t do anything. Trouble is, I don’t know Cam, and I can’t say the same for her. How’s that self-control of yours going to hold up when she comes to you one day, tells you she’s unhappy and bored, tells you she has feelings for you?”
“That’s ridiculous. I’m not gonna get involved with someone who’s in a relationship. You should know me better than that, Haze. I’ve been cheated on, remember. I know how shitty that is. And, anyway, she’s not interested in me that way.”
“You don’t know that. You guys have got really close really quick, and I’ve heard the way she talks about you. She’s like a one-woman fan club. Maybe it’s not all that ridiculous. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”
“Are you talking about earlier?”
Iris was being teased by Vicki and Hazel for missing an open goal, and Cam had jumped to Iris’s defense, sweetly pointing out that Iris had created all three of the goals they had scored and the team would be lost without her.
Hazel nodded but shook her head. “Yeah, but not just that, other stuff. She was telling Jess earlier what a capital G great time you guys had the other night at dinner. Made it really clear that Ryan had gone away for the night.”
Iris let out a laugh, feeling relieved but also, crazily, a little disappointed. “She’s joking, Haze. She’s just messing with Jess. Jess said all this crap to her about being careful around me, and I wasn’t to be trusted to have over for dinner because I’m so dangerous. Cam’s just paying her back, knowing how jealous Jess gets.” Iris approved of Cam tormenting Jess like that.
Cam was walking toward the table carrying two pool cues.
“And did you?” Hazel asked.
“Did I what?”
“Have a great time at dinner without Ryan?”
“We did. We get on well. I don’t think I should have to apologize for that.”
Iris waved at Cam over Hazel’s shoulder, using the gesture to let Hazel know that Cam was heading back.
“Just be careful, Iris. I don’t want you to get hurt.” Hazel stood and nodded at Cam before heading back to her seat at the other table, leaving Iris in a state of confusion.
“Look what I’ve got.” Cam waved the cues. She seemed so happy, so relaxed. “You said you wanted a woman you could beat at pool. I am that woman.” She bowed with a flourish.
Was she flirting? Was Cam looking at her right now in a way that would make Hazel worry? In a way that should make her worry? Iris honestly couldn’t tell. She thought she was just being Cam. Sweet, open, friendly.
“Believe it or not, I’ve never actually played before so if you can’t beat me there really is no hope for you.” Cam chuckled as she handed a cue to Iris.
“You’re on. But be prepared for this to be a very long game.” Iris followed Cam to the pool table. Hazel was watching them. Iris waved in her direction a little pointedly. She decided she would play pool with Cam, would enjoy Cam’s good mood tonight, and tomorrow she would worry about things. It didn’t matter whether Hazel was right or wrong about the way Cam might be feeling, Iris knew her own feelings and she wasn’t always on an even keel around Cam. It wouldn’t hurt either of them if she slowed things down a little.
* * *
Cam stood next to Iris, leaning against the table, watching Iris rack up the balls for another game. She was standing quite close, but when Cam spoke, she spoke so softly that Iris still couldn’t hear her above the noise of the pub. Iris leaned in and asked Cam to repeat it.
“I said, I’m very disappointed in you. I thought you were someone I could rely on.” Cam spoke more loudly.
Iris heard the words but didn’t understand the meaning. She gave Cam a puzzled look.
“I mean that I’ve already started sketching out the magazine article, but you haven’t sent me the poem and you said you would. You even pinkie swore.” Cam’s tone said she was teasing, but her eyes took Iris’s breath away. They were darker than usual in the low light of the pub, the gaze so open, so intense, that it reached right to Iris’s center, pulling her muscles tight.
Iris had never been more relieved to talk about a poem. “Oh right, sorry, yeah. I hadn’t forgotten. I’ve been tweaking it again, trying to perfect it. It’s an endless task.” She put her hands on the cue and leaned her head down, willing her lustful thoughts about Cam to clear.
“Are you okay?”
Iris willed herself to say something that wasn’t, I’m falling for you and I hate myself for it and I fear you’ll hate me for it too. She blinked herself back into the moment. “Sorry. Yes, I am. Just a bit tired. I’ll send it soon I promise.”
Cam put a finger under Iris’s chin, using it to lift Iris’s head and turn it slightly so that they were face to face. “I promise to be careful with it.” Cam’s eyes showed such kindness that Iris wanted to run away. She just couldn’t wreck this friendship with her stupid feelings. She needed to be careful too.
“Okay.” She swallowed the feelings. “Okay. I trust you.”
The fact was that she did. She just needed to believe that she could trust herself with Cam.
* * *
Cam picked up her phone from the bedside table and groaned. It was nearly two a.m. This is ridiculous. She was tired enough to sleep, but the wine, the headache, and her whirling thoughts were conspiring to keep her awake. She eased herself out of bed, being careful not to wake Ryan slumbering soundly beside her, and crept downstairs, her phone still in hand. The house was cool, and she picked up a jersey of Ryan’s from the back of the couch and slipped it on over her nightshirt. She had a lot on her mind. She’d argued with Ryan again tonight. He still refused to tell her exactly what Jess had said about Iris, and when she didn’t let it go, he accused her of being a “bit too bothered” about it all with a slight sneer.
He’d been in a spiteful mood since coming back from Frankfurt and seemed determined to keep punishing her for neglecting his texts and calls on Friday night. The trigger for tonight’s argument had been his matter-of-fact admission that he had met up with his old boss from Seattle in Frankfurt and that he’d practically begged Ryan to go back, promising a pay rise and a promotion.
“I’m seriously considering it,” was Ryan’s final comment, paying Cam back for her indifference with indifference of his own. She felt a surge of panic at the idea of them leaving London, but she hadn’t been able to articulate it in the moment, worried that her reasons wouldn’t stand up to his scrutiny. On top of all that, she was finding it hard to be around Iris and harder still not to be around Iris. Right now, she felt like the world’s worst friend and the world’s worst fiancé at the same time.
&nbs
p; Cam picked up the kettle she had set to boil and poured hot water over the chamomile tea bag she had placed in her mug. On impulse, Cam unlocked her phone and called her sister. Her brain did a quick calculation—two a.m. in London meant six p.m. in Seattle—a good time to call. She waited, hoping she’d get Alison and not her voice mail.
“Hey, big sis. How you doing?” Alison’s voice rang out clearly.
“Are you on your way out or do you have time for a chat?” Cam sat on the couch with her tea, pulling her feet up under her legs to keep them warm.
“I do. I’m going out later, but I’ve come home to eat first. Greg and I are going to some experimental theater thing that his friends are involved in. He said it’s going to be a bit weird. I figure I’ll need a full stomach.”
The phone went quiet. Cam could almost hear her sister doing the math.
“Hey, isn’t it the middle of the night there?”
“It is. I can’t sleep though. Thought I’d take advantage to make the time difference work for us for once.”
“Well, amen to that, I’ve missed you calling. How’s things in dear old London town?”
Cam told Alison about the team, about their chance of winning the league. She talked about Graham, and Vicki and Harry, about the book club and the poetry readings, about Jack the Ripper and East End curries, and it sounded even to her own ears as if she was having a great time, but there was a reason she was awake at two a.m., and she needed to talk to her sister about it.
One Small Step Page 18
