Chapter Twenty-five
The windows of Cam’s car had started to mist up. A voice inside her head told her it was a sign she’d been sitting there too long already. This voice was more reasonable than the one that had spent the best part of the last hour telling her she was crazy and destructive and should just do as Iris wanted and leave her alone.
Cam was outside Iris’s flat, had been outside since eleven thirty, too scared to go and ring the bell, but too scared to leave. She didn’t even know if Iris was home. Her car was parked outside, but that didn’t mean a thing. She could have been out for a run, out having brunch with a friend, anything.
Cam had the car radio on low. The DJ gave a time check. It was twelve fifteen, and all the clarity she’d felt when she left her house had evaporated on the short drive over to Iris’s flat.
Cam had come intending to tell Iris about Ryan leaving, to tell her she loved her and ask her if she would be with Cam if she stayed. And then she had sat there, and sat there some more, and felt stupid for imagining that Iris would be interested in loving her.
Yes, Iris had kissed her, but she’d also made it clear that she didn’t want drama, and Cam could think of nothing more dramatic than a woman leaving an unhappy relationship turning up on her doorstep asking Iris for a commitment that she herself was terrified of making.
The DJ played a song that reminded Cam of Ryan. He had sung it to her once, badly but sweetly, at a karaoke bar soon after they got together. Mentally, she added the words “when we were in love,” knowing that she wasn’t any more. She wasn’t even sure now that she ever had been, knowing he’d never made her feel the way Iris did, that simple fact causing a tightening in her chest.
Iris thought Cam was bored and looking for excitement and an easy way out. She was right and she was wrong. Iris excited her, but there was nothing easy about choosing Iris. Iris didn’t represent an escape hatch to Cam, she represented the upending of everything Cam had ever thought her life would be about for the past four years, and Cam had to be sure it was what they both wanted because she knew the fallout was going to be terrible.
Iris’s front door opened and she stepped outside. She was barefoot and dressed casually in sweatpants and a T-shirt. She put a small bag of trash into the trash can next to her front door and looked up at the sky where rain-filled black clouds had formed. The sight of Iris brought Cam back to her senses. Maybe it was a cliché to say that she couldn’t live without Iris, but she certainly didn’t want to have to try. Looking at her now made Cam’s heart beat faster, and she knew without a shred of doubt that she loved every beautiful inch of her, inside and out, and it would be enough to get them through, but only if Iris loved her back.
“Iris.” Cam got out of her car and called Iris’s name while running across the street. She reached the small paved area that passed for a front garden in front of Iris’s apartment and stopped as Iris turned sharply. Iris looked surprised and then concerned. The visit was unexpected, Cam knew that, and she guessed that maybe she didn’t look her best. She hadn’t bothered to stop and put on makeup, hadn’t even dried her hair properly. But she had wanted, needed, to see Iris. And here she was, looking at Cam warily.
“Cam, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?”
“Can I come inside? I really need to talk to you.”
Iris hesitated.
“Please,” Cam pleaded.
Iris pushed open the door and indicated for Cam to go inside.
The hallway was a small square containing a door to the left marked 6A and another immediately ahead of them marked 6B. Iris closed the door to the street and passed within inches of Cam on her way to reach across and push open the door to 6B. Cam fought the urge to reach out to her, to pull her into the kiss that she so desperately wanted. What stopped her was not just the uncertainty of how Iris would respond but understanding that above all else they needed to talk. She needed to know how Iris felt about her, and make Iris understand that she meant enough to Cam for her to end her relationship so they could be together. Vicki had said Cam had nothing to offer Iris. It wasn’t true, she was ready to offer her everything.
The door opened inward onto a flight of stairs. Iris took them two at a time. Cam followed slowly. Her legs feeling like lead.
“I’ll put the kettle on,” Iris said over her shoulder. “Make some tea.” The tension in her voice was obvious to Cam.
Cam settled herself onto a stool next to the small breakfast bar that separated the kitchen from the living room, watching Iris busy herself with cups and a teapot. She looked around the room, willing herself to calm down. At one end were two large armchairs next to a solid oak coffee table, sheaves of paper scattered across its surface. A laptop was balanced on the arm of the chair nearest the window. On either side of the chimney breast stood two tall oak bookcases, both overflowing with books. The room was decorated a soft yellow color. The armchairs were dark gray with yellow cushions, and colorful framed prints brightened the walls. A small TV sat in the corner looking unloved, a throw draped over one end. Cam had not been inside before, but the apartment had an ambience that made her feel safe and made her feel at home.
“Iris?”
Iris stopped what she was doing and turned to face Cam. Her dark eyes gazed at Cam with concern. Cam felt the power of the gaze ripple through her body.
“Oh God,” Cam exclaimed, not really meaning to say the words out loud, knowing she sounded a little crazy.
Iris took a few steps forward, putting down the teapot on the breakfast bar between them and reaching across to take Cam’s hand.
“Is everything okay?”
Cam gazed downward, looking at Iris’s hand holding her hand, not able to meet her eyes. She took a breath. “No…no, it’s not okay. None of it.”
Iris grazed her thumb across the back of her hand. Cam felt the heaviness in the air between them, knowing Iris was waiting for her to say something.
“Ryan has—” Cam’s voice cracked. “Ryan has given notice on the house, so we can go home, back to Seattle. He’s arranged to get his old job back, arranged for us to stay with my mom for a while, until we find somewhere else.” She shook her head, saying it out loud made her feel nauseous.
Iris pulled her hand away as if suffering an electric shock. “You’re leaving.”
“We argued. I told him I wanted to stay, that I wasn’t ready to go.” Cam dared to look at Iris. Her expression was closed now, the concern was gone.
“I told him I didn’t want to leave, that I had reasons to stay, people I really care about. That I had you…but…I need to know if…” She wanted to say more, to declare herself more fully, to ask Iris to finally talk to her about how she felt. But Iris’s face was like a mask, her blank expression was making Cam lose courage.
“But you came here to tell me you’re going. Whatever you say you feel about me, you’re prepared to leave me behind because Ryan wants you home. And your mom, let’s not forget your mom. Has she texted you the date of the dress fitting yet? All that to look forward to. It’s going to be so much fun.” Iris’s voice was stronger now but bitter, sarcastic. Cam felt panic rising in her throat.
“He didn’t tell me what he was doing, didn’t ask me, he just assumed I’d go. I told him I can’t go, Iris. I don’t love him enough. And, we…this…I mean I’ve only just let myself admit how much you mean to me.” She had come to Iris. It had been the first thing she’d wanted to do. She had to make her understand. “Iris, I can’t leave you. I think you know that. I love you. I told him that. And that I want to be with you, if you want that, I mean. Help me. Please. I just don’t know what to do.” Cam swallowed the sob that she felt in her throat.
Somehow it was the wrong thing to say. Iris stood stiff and straight in front of her, wrapping her arms tightly around her body.
“Help you do what, Cam? Help you by begging you to stay and telling you that to lose you is something I don’t think I’ll ever recover from?” Cam heard her voice break.
“Or maybe you want me to be the friend who rises above it all and helps you draw up a list of pros and cons about staying, with me on one side and Ryan on the other?” She took in a breath. “Well, I won’t, and you can’t bloody well expect me to. Decide what you want, Cam. Choose. Make a decision for yourself for once in your life and follow it through rather than doing what everyone else wants for you.” Iris turned her head away, but not before Cam caught the glistening of the tears in her eyes.
“I’m not someone you can try out for size while you’re deciding what you actually want, Cam. I just won’t be…I can’t…” She stopped speaking and leant back against the sink. “Just go, Cam.” The words were barely a whisper.
The stool scraped the tiled floor as Cam stood up. She walked out of the kitchen and headed down the stairs to the front door and out into the street. She let both doors slam shut behind her.
* * *
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
The understanding that she had probably lost Cam forever punched Iris in the gut. Hadn’t sending her away just made it certain that Cam would go home with Ryan? Iris couldn’t believe she hadn’t been braver, hadn’t asked Cam to choose her and to stay. And she knew why. She didn’t feel worthy, didn’t believe she would recover from the rejection if she showed Cam that she needed her and Cam still chose Ryan.
And I had the nerve to call Cam weak?
Iris grabbed her keys from the counter, slipped on her shoes, and ran as fast as she could down the stairs. She couldn’t just let Cam leave like that. Finally, something had broken through and told Iris to fight for her.
A car screeched away in the street outside. Iris cursed, knowing she was too late. The pain made her stop still in the hallway. Her heart was hurting so much. After a few moments, she walked outside, needing the fresh air, not caring that it was raining.
Iris heard a sob. She turned toward the sound. Cam was standing with her back to the wall of the house, oblivious to the rain, crying quietly. Cam turned her head toward Iris and fixed her with a gaze that seemed angry. Iris hadn’t expected that. Cam pushed her body away from the wall and faced her—not once moving her eyes from Iris’s. Iris was holding her breath, waiting, expecting some form of argument or outburst. She wanted to comfort Cam, but she didn’t know how.
“You have no idea, do you?”
Through the noise of the rain, Iris could only just make out the words. She looked at Cam. She was scared, scared this was it, scared she had gone too far, expected too much. All Iris could do to answer the question was to hold Cam’s gaze and shake her head. The answer was plain to Iris—no, she had no idea, didn’t know what this was, what they were going to do. She loved Cam, and she wanted her. She knew that being her friend had stopped being enough weeks ago, and, now that she was about to lose Cam altogether, she felt like that man who knows a hurricane is coming but who battens down his house and stands in the face of it, refusing to leave, refusing to back down, expecting nothing but to get flattened.
Cam’s eyes left Iris’s for the first time. She looked at her hands as she held them out in front of her. They were shaking. She seemed not to care that Iris was watching. She stepped toward Iris and pushed her back into the house. They stumbled slightly as they crossed the threshold into the hallway. Cam kept pushing, and Iris kept retreating, until Iris’s back was flat against the door that led to her apartment. Cam’s eyes were shining now, a deep watery green, and her hands were still on Iris’s shoulders.
“People are always telling me to decide what I want, while telling me that I can’t have what I want. I’m sick of it.”
Without waiting for permission, Cam stepped closer to Iris and kissed her, her soft lips demanding and her warm mouth in contrast to the rainy coldness of her cheeks. Cam pulled Iris’s face to hers, and Iris responded, threading her hand in Cam’s hair, opening her mouth to meet Cam’s searching kisses, pulling Cam closer. Iris’s knees buckled as Cam’s tongue flicked across her lower lip before entering her mouth.
“Oh, Cam.” Iris moaned with the desire she felt—feeling completely lost, knowing she couldn’t stop this, not this time. As suddenly as she began, Cam pulled away. She was no longer crying. She touched Iris’s face tenderly, wiping the wetness from her cheeks, her fingers grazing Iris’s lips.
“I’d already decided when I came to you…and you need to believe in me.” Cam pulled Iris into a hug, and they stood there for a moment, holding each other tightly. Iris grabbed on to the words, wanting them to be enough, glorying in the feel of Cam in her arms, and when she felt her relax, Iris broke the contact to take Cam gently by the hand and lead her upstairs.
The apartment door closed behind them and they stood in the middle of the living room just looking at each other. Iris removed Cam’s wet jacket, laying it carefully over a chair. She grabbed a towel from the bathroom and came quickly back to Cam’s side to gently towel her hair. Cam leaned in to her touch and slid her hands around Iris’s waist, moving closer, and nestling herself against Iris. Iris dropped the towel and gave in to the embrace. Cam felt soft and warm, and Iris put her lips to Cam’s damp hair and pressed a tender kiss to the top of her head.
Cam tilted her head to look up at Iris. The unmistakable need written across Cam’s face, the desire in her eyes, made Iris’s throat dry. She stroked strands of hair away from Cam’s forehead and marveled at the feeling, her fingers felt made for touching Cam’s skin. Cam shivered at her touch and her eyes grew wider. Iris leaned down and pressed her lips to Cam’s, the kiss was gentle but searching. Iris had wanted to be able to kiss Cam for weeks and now she could, she was going to take her time.
She deepened the kiss and, when Cam parted her lips, Iris darted her tongue inside. Cam sighed and opened her mouth a little wider, taking in Iris’s tongue. The warm wetness of their kiss was so delicious that Iris couldn’t help but moan Cam’s name into her mouth. Cam pressed herself against Iris, her hands on Iris’s backside, pulling Iris to her. When Cam took her lower lip between her teeth and bit softly, Iris arched in pleasure. The movement seemed to encourage Cam as she bit a little harder, before pulling away. Her lips were full and red now, her eyes hooded.
“I can’t not want you.” Iris spoke almost to herself. She couldn’t stop this. Everything had been about what they couldn’t feel, what they shouldn’t do, but now Cam was in her arms, telling her they could finally have this and she was powerless.
“I don’t want you not to want me. We can’t keep fighting what we feel.” Cam stroked Iris’s cheek.
Iris nodded and kissed Cam again. She had one hand on the back of her neck, the fingers threaded in Cam’s hair, and the other hand inside Cam’s sweatshirt so she could touch the bare skin of her lower back. Iris could feel the throbbing between her legs and knew already that just kissing Cam, being kissed by Cam, had made her wet. She moved her hands, and slowly, very slowly, unzipped Cam’s sweatshirt, watching as Cam shrugged it to the floor. Her breath caught at the sight of Cam in just her bra. It was sheer and practically transparent, and Iris longed to have her hands and her mouth on the dark buds she could see through the fabric. She began to lift her T-shirt, wanting Cam’s hands on her own breasts.
Cam shot out a hand to stop her. “Let me.” Her voice was husky, deeper than usual.
Iris dropped her hands and held her breath as Cam lifted her T-shirt. She heard Cam’s soft gasp as she saw Iris wasn’t wearing a bra. Cam threw the T-shirt to the floor and moved her hands unhesitatingly over Iris’s breasts. As Cam grazed her palms across her nipples, Iris stiffened and felt her breathing becoming a little ragged. She was mesmerized by Cam’s hands, moving across her back, into her hair, caressing her breasts, never keeping still. Cam’s lips moving from her mouth, to her neck and now tracing soft kisses across her collarbone. Iris felt like she was made of liquid, not sure how she was still standing.
“I take it you have a bed in here somewhere.” Cam’s voice sounded low, sultry and sure.
Iris took Cam by the hand and le
d her to her bedroom door, in the far corner of the living room. She pushed it open and Cam followed her inside. A king-size bed with a wrought iron frame sat in the center of the room. Cam moved over to the bed, kicked off her shoes, and sat down.
“Get over here.” She held out both hands toward Iris.
Iris felt the command register. She had let herself imagine being with Cam like this, but she hadn’t dared to imagine Cam would be so bold. It was intoxicating. She dropped onto the bed next to Cam and leaned in to capture Cam’s mouth again in a kiss, teasing, insistent, and urgent. Cam reached for her breasts, caressing the soft flesh and pinching the nipples, driving Iris crazy.
“Beautiful.” Cam sighed the word into the space between them before Iris silenced her with another kiss. Iris moved her hands over Cam’s breasts, hating the fact that the sheer lace of Cam’s bra was stopping her from tasting them.
“Take it off.” Cam spoke, as if reading her mind, the urgency of the request unmistakable. Iris reached behind Cam and unhooked her bra a little clumsily before tossing it to the side of the bed, her fingers shaking slightly. It wasn’t just that Iris was out of practice, Cam had her senses on overload.
Iris traced her fingers across the warm curves of Cam’s breasts and enjoyed feeling the shudders that accompanied every graze of the nipples, watching them get harder. She pushed Cam backward onto the bed and closed her mouth over one and then the other. She explored them with her tongue, teasing a spot just under each nipple that had Cam writhing underneath her.
Iris moved her mouth down Cam’s torso, tracing her tongue across her ribs, along her abs, into the hollow beneath her stomach, giving gentle fluttering kisses as she moved. Iris looked up at Cam, seeing nothing in her eyes but want, seeing a pleading that was all the answer she needed.
Iris unzipped Cam’s jeans and pulled them off along with her panties, marveling at the sight of Cam naked now beneath her. Her insides contracted and she felt the heat of the arousal in her core. She shifted position so she could push Cam’s legs farther apart and trailed kisses from her navel to the inside of her thighs, permitting herself only the lightest of kisses brushed against Cam’s center before pulling away and teasing her again by moving back to kiss the soft skin inside her thighs. Iris felt Cam’s hand in her hair, urging her not to wait any longer. Iris hadn’t dared think about it, but right then she knew that she wanted to taste Cam more than she had ever wanted anything else in the world.
One Small Step Page 28
