“That kiss! It was a grown woman! But you’re a boy.”
“So it seems,” Larry answered.
“You tricked me!” she said indignantly.
“I figured out the rules of the game,” Larry said. “Bye.” He was gone.
Now Squid figured it out. Larry had changed during the moment of the kiss, becoming years older, and Laurelai had taken over the mouth so as to make a mature womanly kiss. Startled by the contrast, Zuzana had reacted automatically, switching places. And thereby phased Larry beyond the wall, where he quickly got out of sight so she couldn’t exchange back.
That struck Squid as close to genius. What a ploy! Only he could have done it. Because the challenge was attuned to him.
“You’re smarter than I took you for,” Zuzana said ruefully. “I didn’t realize when you said that your real name was Laurelai that that meant you were properly female. I thought it was just some kind of nickname. But congratulations. You certainly fooled me.”
And pretty much fooled Squid, too. Her respect for Larry/Laurelai increased a notch or two, maybe even two and a half notches.
She re-tuned her vision, rejoining Larry.
He was walking along a path that seemed to be made of chocolate, as if the cupcake had not been enough. This was spongy, so that his shoes left tracks in it. Chocolate cake!
“I get it,” Larry muttered. “A Cake Walk.”
Now he looked around. On one side there was a corral containing a donkey; on the other a strip mine. Squid recognized it because she saw people walking though it, and their clothing faded out and dissipated, leaving them bare. They hastily retreated and hurried to a nearby sheet tree, to get sheets to wrap around them. She knew Larry would not venture through that, as he did not like to expose his wrong body; it was an effective barrier. But the donkey did not look at all friendly, so that was another barrier. Larry simply had to proceed straight ahead, letting the path guide him. Crumbs of chocolate cake were now clinging to his shoes. He ignored them and kept moving.
It led to what was evidently the new challenge, a huge pile of books. There looked to be about forty-four of them. There did not seem to be any continuation beyond the pile. This was the Challenge.
Evidently curious, he put out one hand and carefully touched the spine of a single book at the bottom. It popped out of the pile, into his hand—and the rest of the stack tumbled into a messy heap. “Uh-oh,” he murmured.
Had he messed up the challenge? Squid wasn’t sure. The success or failure of a person should not be based on an unintentional accident. That pile had obviously been primed to collapse.
He glanced at the book he now held. A Pill For Chameleon. That had an oddly familiar look, as if she had seen it before. Then she placed it; it was a Xanth history volume, or close to it. The first of the recent series was titled something like that. But what was it doing here? Larry seemed similarly bemused.
“So are you going to stand there all day, stupid? Either read it or dump it. Is that so hard to understand?”
Larry turned to orient on the voice. But there was only the corral in that direction, with the motley donkey. “Are you invisible?” he asked.
“I’m right here in your idiotic line of sight, moron.”
Larry took stock. “The donkey?”
“The ass, imbecile. Do you see any other animate creature here? Or are you too distracted by the nude lasses in the other pasture?”
Indeed, at that moment there was a feminine scream as a girl discovered herself in dishabille. Squid knew that that was not a turn-on for Larry, as he was actually a woman, but the donkey had no way to know that.
“You’re a talking donkey?” Larry asked.
“No, I’m a silent head of lettuce,” the animal said sarcastically. “Hee-haw! Yes, I’m a Genie Ass. What else could I be?”
“Genius,” Larry said, getting it. “A very smart donkey.”
“In sharp contrast to the obtuse humanoid you are.”
“You’re part of this challenge. You must know the proper way through it.”
“Of course I know, dumbbell. I know everything.”
“And you’re not going to tell me.”
“Right. I’m here to watch you make an even worse fool of yourself than you look, challenging as that may be. Hee haw!”
“Don’t tell me, let me guess,” Larry said. “If I open this book, I’ll be drawn into its story-line, regardless whether it’s the one I want or need.”
“Hee-haw!”
Larry set the book down and picked up another. He read the title. The Sludge of Magic.
“Most of the sludge is in your head, cretin.”
“And if I open this one, I’ll be in its story. Which may or may not be my own story.”
“The sludge in your skull suggests it is your story, dope.”
Larry smiled. “Surely so. But I think I will check some others first.”
Squid was coming to know Larry, and suspected that he was starting to play the genius donkey.
“Why bother, retard? You’re going to guess wrong anyway.”
“Yes. But I might as well make an informed mistake instead of an ignorant one.”
That made the smart ass pause. Squid smiled. The more she saw of Larry, the better she liked him, even if their coming relationship would be a mockery.
Larry set down the book and picked up another. “Cast-off Roogna,” he read.
“Hee-haw! The way you’re about to be cast off.”
The next one was Duck of the Draw, followed by Knot Gneiss Monster, Knight Bear, and Bear Apparent.
There was another scream from the other pasture. “Maybe those should be Knight Bare and Bare Apparent,” Larry remarked.
“Hee-haw! You’re getting it, simpleton. But you have a way to go. I know all the titles.”
Larry looked at two more. “Fear Sale. Just Write.”
“You’re getting there,” the Ass mumbled, plainly disconcerted.
Squid recognized those ones, because she had been in them. Fire Sail and Jest Right. Those were almost current.
But what was Larry leading up to, Squid wondered.
Then came A Tryst of Fate. The Ass hesitated for half a moment.
Larry pounced on the pause. “Why don’t you have a smart ass remark? You know all the titles, you said. Is this one unfamiliar?”
“Of course not, fool. It’s just that it hasn’t yet been published.”
“And this one?” Larry glanced at the title. “Blanket of a Mind.”
“That neither,” the Ass agreed reluctantly.
“And this? The Crock of Spit.”
The Ass nodded.
Now Larry pounced. “What about this one? Skeleton Keep.”
“What about it?”
“As I make it from your reactions, genius equine, this is the current one, or very close to it. This must be the story I am in. The one I want to stay in. The book I should open.”
The donkey gazed broodily at him. “You’re not as dull as you look. But you can’t be sure. You still have to gamble.”
“And I don’t like to gamble,” Larry said. “Okay, I’ll make a deal with you. Rather than gamble on a likely prospect, I prefer to take a certain one. What do you want in exchange for telling me that this is or is not the book I want?”
“Manure!” the Ass swore. “You’ve got me cornered.”
“Maybe.”
“My corral is eaten down to zilch, and I’m thoroughly bored with hay and grain. Get me a load of that cake walk.”
Larry squatted, scraped together an armful of chocolate cake, and carried it to the corral fence. He dumped it over. The Ass chomped gleefully on it.
“That’s the one,” the Ass said between mouthfuls. “Skeleton Keel, or whatever. It’s the current story.”
“Thank you.”
Then Larry opened the book.
Nothing happened.
Larry looked at the Ass.
“Don’t look at me in that tone,” the Ass said. “It didn’t change because you’re already in this story. The other volumes would have launched you into the past or future or unknown space.”
Larry nodded. Then the fence on the left faded, and there was a path into the strip mine.
“Uh-oh,” Squid murmured. “That’s not a route he wants.”
Larry gazed at it in dismay, then shook his head, gritted his teeth, and walked along it. What choice did he have?
But this was a different kind of path. It soon twisted up into the air, curving as it did. At the height it was upside down. Would it be possible to stay on it?
Then Squid recognized it. It was a Mobius strip! A route that twisted around until it rejoined itself, only upside down. It wasn’t possible to get off such a strip except by jumping off; it was endless on its own terms.
Larry shrugged and started the climb. The moment he did, his clothing started to fuzz. He paused, and the fuzzing stopped. He backed off a step, and his clothing reformed. It was a clothing strip as much as a twisted strip. But if he didn’t follow the path, he would wash out of the challenge. This was an emotional demand more than a physical one.
Squid understood. A boy or man might not care if nudity was part of it. But this was a girl in a boy’s body. She didn’t like exposing it, because it was false. But again, what choice did she really have? The challenges were designed to discourage those who weren’t really serious about seeing the Good Magician. The first two had been more mental, this one was more emotional.
Larry nodded as if he heard her thought. Then he focused, and aged himself several years so as to gain the discipline of maturity; the body must contribute something to that. He forged ahead. Squid breathed a sigh of relief. He did have the nerve to do what he had to do, distasteful as it might be.
The clothing fuzzed off, and within three moments he was naked. He was also walking at a steep angle to the ground below, and that was increasing. The path was tilting sideways, and he was walking at right angles to it, so that he was now almost parallel to the ground.
Then Larry, distracted by the problem of clothing, noticed. He came to a sudden halt, looking to the side, which was down. Gravity held him to the strip, independent of the scene outside.
Well, so be it. Larry resumed walking, and soon was walking upside down. The strip did not return all the way to the ground. Now he was walking on its outside curve, his head pointing toward the ground below.
There was a sign planted on the ground, with its print upside down, so as to be legible to a person passing it inverted. Squid twisted her head around to read it. THRICE AROUND AND YOU GO AGROUND. What did that mean? Maybe that the Mobius strip was not endless, and that thrice around it would constitute victory.
Larry read it, and smiled. Now he knew he was on track to handle this challenge.
There was something else. There were parallel tracks outside the Mobius track, passing close to it without intersecting. And on one of them there was a woman running. She was nude, because this was all in the strip mine area, but didn’t seem to mind. In fact she looked like a nymph, a perfectly formed young woman who didn’t bother with clothing anyway. She was simply jogging along, evidently for exercise. She must have been doing it regularly, because her body was slender and fit. It also flexed and bounced in ways any man would find interesting. That was of course a specialty of nymphs. They lived mainly for one thing: to, as they put it, “celebrate” with fauns, the male of their species. Or any other man they spied.
Squid realized that this was one Hades of a distraction. Because nymphs did not wear panties, they didn’t freak out men, but they did usually command men’s full attention. It could not be coincidence that she was there. She was there to cause Larry to get off the Mobius strip and forfeit his victory.
But there were two strengths Larry had. One was that he was still a boy, not yet fully into the male mode. The other was that he was really a girl. Girls were not usually as fascinated by nymphs.
Meanwhile, Larry was making his second tour around the loop. One more after this and he would be grounded. That was, finished. All he needed was to stay on track.
But the nymph had other ideas. “Hey, young man!” she called. “Come run with me! We’ll have a good time together!”
That was interesting. Usually nymphs did not talk. They merely screamed fetchingly as they kicked their bare legs high and swung their long hair about, all things that for some reason attracted male attention. That suggested that this was a fake nymph, maybe a real woman acting the part. Those who came to the Good Magician normally had to pay a year’s service for their Answers, or the equivalent. This girl must be doing that, playing a role in a Challenge.
Larry glanced at her. Squid was nervous. Laurelai had said she didn’t like to age her body because it got male notions. Now he was in that range, and the nymph was invoking those notions. He was becoming entirely too interested in her.
But Laurelai evidently realized the danger, and youthened him back to about age ten. He took his eyes off the nymph and walked on, ignoring her. “Bleep!” she swore. Yes, she was definitely an actress; nymphs did not swear.
Larry made the third loop without further distraction, and it deposited him at the door of the castle. He had made it!
The door opened. A nondescript woman stood there. “Hello, Laurelai! I am Wira, Magician Humfrey’s daughter-in-law. I will take you to the Designated Wife.”
Squid noticed that Wira called him Laurelai. That meant she knew.
“To the what?” Larry asked, momentarily confused.
“A foul-up some time ago caused all five and-a-half of his wives of the past century or so to show up together,” Wira explained. “Since it is the Xanthly custom for a man to have only one wife at a time, they take turns. Each month one is designated to run the castle and take care of Humfrey, who is reputed to be not the easiest person to get along with. They say that makes less burden for each of them. I wouldn’t know; I like my father-in-law. But it is true that the way he uses Youth Elixir to maintain his age at approximately a hundred years seems off; it might be better if he maintained an age of seventy five years or even younger. Then he might appreciate his wives more.”
“Oh,” Larry said. “I’m sure the Designated Wife is a very nice lady. But it is really the Good Magician I came to see.”
“Oh, you will, in due course. But someone has to make you comfortable in the interim.”
“Uh, who is the, the Designated Wife?”
“This month it is the Gorgon.”
“The Gorgon! But isn’t she—”
“Yes, the one whose direct glance can turn a person to stone. Don’t be concerned; she wears a full veil, and she’s a nice person.” Wira smiled. “Way back when, Humfrey did her a favor, which she appreciated, so later she came to ask him a Question. It was ‘Will you marry me?’ And he made her do a year’s service before giving his Answer.”
Larry shook his head. “You’re pulling my leg!”
“No, it is true. But there was a reason. He put her to work attending the castle; this was before the prior wives were restored to life. By the time the year was up, she knew both Humfrey and his business very well. So she had time to reconsider her question, and to depart if she concluded that he was not as good a marital prospect as she had thought. But she had learned how to handle his moods, and was confidant that this was really what she wanted. So when he agreed to marry her, she was well satisfied. But she is also satisfied now to share the burden with the other wives. The six of them are excellent friends.”
“Six? But before you said—”
“Five and a half. It seems that his very first love, when he was young, was MareAnn, whose talent was summoning equines. They met in Xanth Year 948. But thoug
h she loved him, she feared that her inevitable loss of innocence in marriage would cause her to lose her ability to summon unicorns. So she held off, and he married Dara Demoness instead, who had absolutely no problem with innocence. She hadn’t been close to it for centuries, if ever. Then, much later, in the year 1090, MareAnn spent a tour in Hell, not as punishment, for she was a good girl, but as a holding place. She concluded that Hell was hard on innocence, and she had little of that left to lose, so then she was ready to marry him. So they had a quick, small ceremony, barely half of a normal one. So she considers herself a half wife of 142 years, the time between their meeting and their marriage. She is a full person, just not a complete wife.”
Larry shook his head. “And I thought my life was complicated!”
“Not complicated, Laurelai, merely difficult. Every person is unique in his or her own way.”
Meanwhile, they had been wending through the castle, and now were in a pleasant chamber where a tall veiled woman awaited them. “Mother Gorgon, this is Laurelai, a querent for the Good Magician.”
“Of course, dear,” the Gorgon replied. “Tell him she is here.” Then she faced Larry. Her veil covered all of her face, especially the eyes. “Fear not; my veil hasn’t slipped in years.”
Larry froze.
The Gorgon laughed, and the little serpents that formed her hair seemed to laugh with her. They looked cute rather than frightening. “I was teasing. It has never slipped; my little serpents make sure of that. I am glad to meet you, Laurelai. I am familiar with the problem of relating to others, as I really can’t look anyone in the eye. Please sit down; Wira will bring refreshments.”
Larry sat, and she sat opposite him, leaning forward conversationally. Squid was impressed; her decolletage was not nearly as well covered as her face, and it was finely formed. She was an extremely well endowed figure of a woman, despite whatever her age was. “I need to explain that Humfrey’s formal Answers sometimes require some interpretation, but are always accurate and meaningful. I had some difficulty myself, when I came to him with my own Question.”
The refreshments arrived: boot rear and peppermint patty cakes. The drink that gave a person’s behind a boot, and the cakes that gave the tongue a twinge.
Skeleton Key Page 8
