Once I’d done all that, I took him to get his bike so he could follow me to my place. It was cold as hell, but Dad hadn’t ridden in years and his body ached to be on his Harley. It was an extension of him, so he’d braved the cold from Tennessee to here like it was nothing.
Now we were sitting on my back porch, snuggled beneath several blankets with mugs of hot chocolate, and staring out at the gorgeous view of the foothills from my back porch.
“Proud of you, angel,” Dad spoke gently, breaking the silence we’d lapsed into several minutes before. “Didn’t want to tell you back then, but I been worried about you for years. ’Specially when you married that son of a bitch.”
I jolted at the hate in his voice and turned to look at him over my mug. “You didn’t even know him.”
“Wrong, girl,” he stated determinedly. “Never met him, but I knew him. Knew what you wrote about him in your letters, how you spoke of him when we’d talk on the phone, givin’ me all that hearts-and-flowers bullshit about how happy he made you. I saw right through it, li’l bit. I might be able to count on one hand the number of times we saw each other the past eleven years, but you’re my girl. I know you down to my very soul, baby. And I knew what you were givin’ me was a load a shit. Also knew, in the beginnin’, you didn’t see it for what it was—that bein’ complete bullshit—but also knew, in the end, you were just lyin’ to keep me from worryin’.”
My mouth fell open, my eyes went wide, and my throat went dry. “You . . . you knew?”
His face went soft as he whispered, “Angel. Two times you came to me while you were with that asshole, and two times I hardly recognized the girl standin’ in front of me. The clothes, the hair, the makeup, the quiet, shy voice, the way you carried yourself like you were unsure how to act? Not my girl. Nuh-uh. My girl’s been comfortable in her own skin from the moment she came into this world. Baby girl, none of that was you. Not one fuckin’ bit. The real Sage is wild. She’s loud and opinionated and takes absolutely no shit. Those two times, that wasn’t the Sage I had. Broke my heart, ’cause I knew that fucker did that to you. No man, no real man sees the beauty that is a woman like you and works to change that. When I saw what you’d become, I knew.”
It was a miracle I didn’t burst out crying right then. “Uh, just to say, and I’m not defending him because he really and truly is a prick, but I was the one who allowed him to change me. I was weak.”
Dad put his mug on the arm of the Adirondack chair he was sitting in and leaned closer to me. “You weren’t weak, baby. You were sad and you were lonely. I know your mom wasn’t the mom you needed her to be. Fuckin’ kills me I didn’t see that before all that shit went down, and I left you with that, but not a fuckin’ thing can be done about that now. But I got your letters, remember? I read between the lines and saw what you weren’t able to, mainly ’cause I wasn’t the one livin’ it. You were. Take it from someone who knows, Sage. Love blinds us to all kinds of shit, and it isn’t until it’s over that we’re able to see what we’d missed. That’s not weak. My Sage isn’t weak. You cottoned on and got the hell out. Best day of these past eleven years was when you showed up at the prison a couple months back and told me you’d left his ass and were goin’ somewhere else to start over. Don’t know what happened to bring that on, just know the relief coulda taken me to my knees. I’ll admit, scared the hell outta me you were takin’ off on your own, but you’re my girl. Adventure is in your blood, and I saw it in your eyes that you were itchin’ to go out on one.”
All of that felt unbelievably nice. But in spite of how good it was to hear, the warmth of those words couldn’t fully penetrate. The truth was, my dad didn’t know the real reason why I left. He didn’t know the role the woman he’d once loved played in it, and he didn’t know what had transpired afterward.
I couldn’t tell him any of it. I’d only just gotten him back, and I knew that if he found out, he’d lose his mind, go off halfcocked on a journey of revenge and pain, and I’d lose him all over again.
“You built yourself somethin’ great here, precious girl. So why do I get the impression you aren’t completely happy?
God, my dad.
“I am happy,” I insisted. I’ve got all of this.” I waved an arm indicating the stunning view. I’ve got great friends, a job I love.” I left out the part where that was only for the next two weeks. “And I don’t know if you noticed, my little house kicks serious ass.” But it wasn’t a cabin up in the mountains.
“I noticed,” he said with a grin. “But I also see the sadness in your eyes, and my gut’s tellin’ me that’s got nothin’ to do with the motherfucker you left behind in the desert.”
I gave him a side-eyed glare, lifting my mug to my lips and taking a sip before muttering, “You know, your insightfulness is really starting to freak me out.”
“Stop tryin’ to change the subject. You don’t start talkin’, I’m callin’ the boys and tellin’ ’em to get their asses up to Virginia so we can stage an intervention for our girl.”
I knew him. He’d totally do that. And Danno, Banks, Fletch, and Scooter wouldn’t hesitate to ride out, even if, thanks to my mom and years of being under John’s thumb, I hadn’t talked to any of them until recently when I started on my trek to find a new life. I was still their girl, and that love would never go away. I knew that, because I had the exact same love for them.
“All right,” I admitted on a deep sigh. “Yes, I’m sad, but it’s not a big deal, Daddy. It’ll pass, and I’ll eventually get over it.”
He watched me for a few seconds, and I knew he wasn’t buying it. “That sadness have anything to do with that giant of a man back at your office who was lookin’ at you like you were his sole reason for existin’? What was his name . . . Xander?”
Ah hell.
“Yes. That’s his name, and he’s why I’m sad, but I seriously doubt he was looking at me like that.”
“Then you’re either blind, or you just weren’t lookin’. Don’t know how you’d miss that, though. Emotion pourin’ off that man into the room was enough to drown all of us who were standin’ there.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said quickly, bringing my heels up to the edge of my seat so I could curl my arms around my legs as I looked back out at the view. “It’s done. Time to move on.”
From the corner of my eye, I watched Dad face forward as well. Neither of us spoke for a bit, and I’d just let out a breath of relief, thinking the subject was dropped, when he spoke again. I should have known better.
“You wrote me ten letters since movin’ here. In different ones you’d talk about the town, the people you met, your work . . . But in all of them, you mentioned him.”
“Daddy—” I started in warning, but he didn’t pay it any mind.
“Laughed my ass off when you detailed the childish fights you two got in. In one letter, you’d hate his guts. In the next you two had suddenly become friends and I was hearin’ all about his badass cabin and his cute dog.” He stopped and let loose a chuckle, and I hesitantly gave him my eyes when I felt his gaze on me. “Pretty sure you left out some serious shit, judgin’ by what I saw today. So tell me, baby girl. You in love with this man?”
God, god, god! My dad. The wisest, smartest, biggest pain-in-the-ass man I’d ever known.
“Yes,” I finally confessed on a whisper.
“Jesus. Fuck me,” he grunted, raking a hand through his hair. “Leave it to my girl to fall for a man who could make a goddamn mountain move just by glarin’ at it.”
I swallowed down the need to laugh, because that was the perfect description for Xander, and gave my dad the rest of it. “But he doesn’t love me.”
“Bullshit.” My chin jerked back at the power he forced into that one word. “Man doesn’t look at a woman like that unless he’s totally fuckin’ wrecked for her.”
I thought I’d cried out the very last of the tears I had left when I bawled in my father’s arms earlier. After the week I’d had, I wasn’t sure how I
wasn’t dehydrated as hell, but I felt that familiar burn start again and had to blink it back.
“He hurt me,” I said quietly.
“Physically?”
My back shot straight at his bark. “No! God no. He’d never. He isn’t like that. He’s . . .” I hesitated for a few beats, really considering my next words. Then I gave my dad the truth. “He’s a good guy. One of the best I’ve ever met. But he’s got demons.”
“Lotta men have demons.”
“I know,” I replied. “But he doesn’t live with his. He’s let them infest every single part of him. He lost people, people he loved. One of them his wife. I don’t know how, and I don’t know when. And I only know because I stumbled on a box of pictures. He doesn’t talk about it, said straight up discussing them was off the table. I got that. I didn’t like it, but I understood and didn’t push. But there’s this . . . I don’t know how to explain it.” I paused, pulling in a deep breath. “There’s a darkness in him. When he’s feeling more than he can handle he lashes out at those closest to him.”
“Fuck, baby girl.”
“First real fight we ever had, he told me he needed to make me hate him, because he couldn’t stay away from me. Said he was toxic, and he’d infect my life. He needed me to hate him so I’d stay away.”
“Jesus,” he hissed. “That’s some serious shit.”
“Tell me about it,” I mumbled, taking another sip of my hot chocolate. “The last fight we had, the one where he ended us, I told him I loved him. He said in no uncertain terms he didn’t feel the same way. We were together a month. Spent all our free time together. Then one day a switch just flipped and he was done.”
His arm stretched across the distance between our two chairs, and he pulled one of my hands from my mug so he could curl his fingers around mine. “I’m sorry, precious.”
I inhaled deeply, pulling the crisp, cold mountain air into my lungs. “So like I said, it’s done. It hurts, but I’ll get over it. I wanted to help him fight whatever is haunting him, but he doesn’t want to fight. He wants to lay down and let it destroy him.”
“Saw the man for less than a handful of minutes, and could tell you with a hundred percent certainty, he’s fightin’, baby. Can’t say if he’ll win or what’ll come of it, but he’s fightin’ somethin’ tooth and nail.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so I said nothing at all. But he wasn’t done.
“Not gonna tell you what you should do, girl. It’s not my call to make. You know your own mind. You know your worth, and you know what you deserve. What I will say, whether it’s this man or not, you’ll find him. Know that to my bones. You’ll find your man, you’ll build a life together, and you’ll give him beautiful babies. And when that time comes, I’ll have to battle every instinct in me to keep from poundin’ the life outta him for touchin’ you.”
I let out a giggle and leaned over the arm of my chair to rest my head on my dad’s shoulder.
Yes, having this back, having him, definitely soothed my soul.
“Just please, Christ, if it’s him, clue your old man in on his weak spots, ’cause if I have to fight that son of a bitch, I’m gonna need one hell of an upper hand.”
And just like that, I burst into laughter.
Once I was done, Dad stood from his chair and bent to press his lips to my temple. “Air smells like snow, so I should probably get on the road before shit gets too bad.”
I shot up, leaving my mug resting on the arm and dropping the blankets to the deck as my stomach plummeted. “You’re going back? Already? But . . . you just got here. I haven’t had any time with you.”
“Not back to Redemption,” he answered. “Got a lot more of you I need to soak up, darlin’. But before I came to you, I booked a room at a place just outside of town.”
“Absolutely not,” I clipped, following him through the sliding glass door and into the kitchen. “As long as you’re in Hope Valley, you’re staying with me. It’s ridiculous for you to pay for a room when I’ve got a spare you can crash in.”
Dad grabbed his leather jacket from where he’d slung it over my dining room chair and shrugged it over the thick flannel he was wearing before coming back to me and taking my face in his big, grizzled hands.
“Love you to the moon and back for always, angel, and I’m not leavin’ any time soon, not if you’re here. But I spent eleven years livin’ in a goddamn cell with another man. If that wasn’t bad enough, that cell was surrounded by even more, all filled with assholes. Haven’t had a moment’s peace in more than a decade. I need my space. I need silence. Give your old man that, yeah?”
Now that I had him back, it was a struggle to let him go, but I understood where he was coming from, and what was more, I saw in his eyes just how much he needed exactly what he’d just asked for, and I couldn’t deny him that.
I gave in with a sigh. “All right. But as soon as you wake up, you better bring your ass straight here.”
“Yes ma’am,” he replied with a chuckle.
“And we’ll go out and get you a truck.” He opened his mouth to argue, but I got there first. “I know you’ve been missing that bike something fierce, but you said it yourself. It’s gonna snow tonight, and there’s no telling what else the forecast has in store. You’re staying here, you’re getting a truck. And that’s final.”
I let him have his room at a hotel, and he let me have that.
He left shortly thereafter, and while it hurt to watch him leave, I at least had the comfort of knowing I’d see him the following day.
And that knowledge went a long way in healing the pain I’d been living with for the last week.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Sage
My head was going to explode. And when it did, I had every intention of being close to the people who were the cause of all my frustration so I could take them out with me.
In spite of having my dad back and spending all my free time catching up with him, I was miserable.
I’d made it through a week and a half of my final two weeks, and everyone in the office was going about their business like nothing was changing.
When I’d tried to show Roxanne the new filing system and the spreadsheet I’d created to show exactly when each invoice should go out, she’d walked right out of my office. Got up and walked out.
When I went to the guys and tried to get their casefiles so I could at least have everything up to date before I left, they’d all somehow miraculously lost them. Every single one.
Then they’d started coming to me, months and months in advance to tell me the type of cake they wanted when their birthdays rolled around, like I’d still be here when the time came.
And every time I repeated that I needed them to step up because I was leaving, they’d act like they hadn’t heard me. All of them.
On top of that, Linc had taken it upon himself to torpedo any chance I had at getting a job somewhere else. He’d actually contacted every business I could possibly get on at and informed them that if they hired me, he’d personally see to it that they regretted their decision.
I knew this because one very scared realtor in town told me he’d said as much when he called for a reference. Shops and restaurants with Help Wanted signs in their windows had already conveniently filled the position whenever I’d go in to inquire. Then there were my friends. Nona, Rory, and Danika had actually laughed when I asked about getting a job working for them.
Laughed flat out. In my face.
No one in town would cross Lincoln Sheppard, the cowards.
And to make matters worse, Xander had done a one-eighty . . . again. Only this time it was so much worse than before.
I had a coffee and scone waiting for me on my desk every single morning, whether I’d stopped and got one myself or not, and he was constantly finding reasons to touch me or brush against me every chance he got.
For a man gifted at avoidance, he seemed to suddenly be everywhere. In the halls, the breakroom, coming into my office
to ask me something he could have found the answer to all on his own in a matter of seconds. Every time I came out of the restroom, he’d just happen to be strolling by at the same time and accidentally bump into me, and every time, he’d grab hold of my arms like I needed him to hold me up before sliding his hands down to mine and holding on for longer than necessary.
If he felt I had a hair out of place, he was right there to tuck it behind my ear. He even sat next to me in the last staff meeting, brushing his thigh against mine every thirty seconds.
If he wasn’t touching me, he was staring. Always staring. Those penetrating black eyes would sear into my skin, and when I turned to catch him, the man never once bothered to look away. He wanted me to catch him, to know he was watching.
The shadows were still there, plain as day, but so was the heat I’d grown so familiar with over the month we’d been together. But there was something else there too. Something I couldn’t put my finger on. Something that left me breathless every time our gazes met.
I was a total wreck because of him. I was barely sleeping, and the few hours I could manage to catch were riddled with dreams of him. I was exhausted constantly, cranky even more often, and I couldn’t seem to keep anything in my stomach, so I’d reached the point where I was barely eating, living mostly on coffee to keep me going.
It was brutal because, even though I’d told Xander—and myself—that I hated him, I couldn’t make myself feel it. And Lord knows I tried.
But I just couldn’t stop loving the bastard.
It was ridiculous. I’d known the guy a few months, and the majority of that had been us fighting. We had one good month. No, that wasn’t right. We’d had one great month, but that was it. I barely knew him, and that was his choice.
So why was I feeling so miserable at the thought of not seeing him every single day?
Standing in front of the mirror in the ladies’ room, I took in my reflection. The shadows beneath my eyes made it look like my eyes had sunk in. My normally rosy complexion was a pasty white no matter how much makeup I applied.
Out of the Darkness: a Hope Valley novel Page 21
