“Eh.”
“Give it…” I grabbed his book and his assignment. “Do you have to type this or write it?”
“I was going to write the answers down and then type it later.”
“Okay, just type what I write…”
“Wait. Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
“Yeah, I’m done with mine. I was just doing extra work because I was falling behind.”
“See what not drinking does to you?”
“Makes me boring.”
“Sure…”
I did his homework in ten minutes. It was a joke.
“So, what’s your price for doing my homework?”
“I don’t know. I have a question, though.”
“What is it?”
“Do girlfriends do their boyfriends’ homework?”
He started laughing but I was completely serious.
“It’s just a question.”
“If they’re smart like you, I guess.”
I shrugged and caught him staring at me.
“What?” I asked.
“Can I tell you a secret?” he asked, and got really close and put his ear to my mouth. I covered his ear with my hand and knocked him over. He almost fell off the bed but he grabbed my left arm. I held onto him.
“Stop, you’re going to take me with you.” I laughed as I pulled up and pulled us to the middle of my bed.
“What’s the secret?”
“I don’t know if you noticed, but I think I like you a lot.” He brushed my cheek with his fingers. I took a deep breath.
“I asked Piper’s best friend if I should make my first friend my boyfriend.”
He frowned and pulled his hair back.
“That was stupid. I know. Just because we kissed. I’m new at this.”
“What did she say?” he asked.
“To follow my heart.”
“What does it say?” He placed his palm on my heart. The bottom of his palm was sitting right on top of my breasts. It made my heart beat faster.
“I don’t understand it.” I put both of my hands on his one hand. I didn’t want him to move it. My heart was talking to me and I was listening.
“Try me,” he said as he scooted closer to me.
“I don’t think that we’re meant to understand it all the time. I think that sometimes we just have to have faith.”
He kissed me. It was perfect.
“Nicolas Sparks. A Walk to Remember,” I said, and smiled.
“Seriously?” He smiled. We both started laughing.
For that moment I wasn’t thinking about my dead mother and my dead sister. I was just thinking about us. This was definitely going to change me for the better.
I was really quiet during dinner. Dad was making chili spaghetti. Well, pasta with chili. He put four beers on the table and gave me my plate. I wasn’t really that hungry but I did want to talk to him about Ethan and Maddie.
“What’s going on, kiddo? You’ve been getting busier and busier every day.”
“I was falling behind in school. I’ve just been busy doing schoolwork and trying to catch up.”
“So you went to school today?” he wondered as he popped open his beer.
“No, I went to see Maddie.”
“Who?”
“Piper’s best friend.”
“I remember her. Why?”
“Advice about Ethan.”
“Why can’t you ask me about Ethan?” He seemed offended I didn’t want to talk to him.
“I can. What do you think of Ethan as my boyfriend?” I couldn’t believe those words were actually coming out of my mouth. I wanted to take them back. I chugged the beer instead and didn’t really look at him. I shoved my face with spaghetti and glanced at him under my eyelashes. He was eating, too. He cleared his throat and took a sip of his beer.
“Boyfriend? Like you guys, um…uh…” He sipped his beer.
“I barely know what that means. We’re going to take it slow. He knows how inexperienced I am.”
“Well, I don’t really know what to say.” He was onto his second beer. I had to catch up. I started downing my first.
“You never could keep up with me, babe.” He smiled. He was trying to change the subject and I was okay with that.
“I don’t have any schoolwork this week. I just have class. I’m pretty caught up.”
“Nice.”
“So do you want to go do something? Instead of being cooped up here?” I asked.
“I have the perfect idea. Let’s camp in the backyard, just you and me.” He put his beer down.
“Deal,” I said, and held my beer up, “but you’re doing all the work.”
Ethan and his father invited me over for dinner, which was when I planned on telling him I would be spending a couple days alone with my dad. God, that probably made me the worst girlfriend ever. But it was important to me to let my dad know that he was my first priority and always would be.
I came over and there was a girl sitting on the couch. I recognized her from pictures in their house. Ethan put his arm around my shoulders.
“Sarah, get up, please.”
Sarah. The imaginary sister.
“This is Portia. Portia, this is my estranged sister, Sarah.” She looked like Ethan, but as a chick. She had long, thick, deep brown hair. Huge boobs. There was no way I couldn’t look at them. She was short and had resting bitch face. She was wearing stockings with high-waist shorts and combat boots. Then I noticed her Cypress High sweater.
“What does ‘estranged’ mean?” she asked. I’d heard that questioning tone before. The sweater, the voice. Holy shit, she’d been in the play. Dad had showed me the tape as soon as he had come home from the hospital. She was in it. She was one of the last people to see my sister alive other than my parents. I didn’t say anything.
“I knew your sister, Piper, she was cool,” she said, and then she walked away. I couldn’t stop staring.
“Sorry, I didn’t know Dad invited her.”
I had so many questions. She looked so different. Where had she been this entire time? Piper had never mentioned a Sarah to me, especially a Sarah who was in the play. I felt so out of the loop.
“I never talk about her because we were never close and she blamed my mother for the divorce. It was ugly. I just don’t like talking about it,” Ethan explained.
“It’s fine.”
“Are you okay? You seem thrown.”
“Yup. I’m good.”
We were all sitting at the table. I swear on my mother’s life I was the main course. Everyone was staring at me. I started sweating. It got really hot all of a sudden. I didn’t want to eat anything. I didn’t want to pick up anything, I knew I’d drop it I was shaking so bad. My heart was racing. I just stared at my plate. Ethan had his hand on mine but it didn’t help.
I wanted to get the fuck out of there.
I needed to know ahead of time if a stranger was coming. Everyone knew that.
Ethan should have known better.
I was angry.
Since now I was his girlfriend, I had to sit here. I had to sit here and try my hardest not to stab my eyeballs with the fork.
“Just relax, babe,” he whispered to me as he caressed my thigh like it was so easy. I pushed his hand off. He was only drawing more attention to me and making it worse.
“Can I address the elephant in the room?” Sarah asked. I didn’t care, at least someone was talking.
“Do you have to?” Ethan rolled his eyes. He really didn’t like her, I could tell. I still didn’t understand why he’d never mentioned her, though.
“I just want to know what happened. How did the accident happen, you know?” Sarah stared at Ethan with a smirk. “She was really excited about the after party. It’s too bad.”
They had been going the opposite direction of home. When the police told me where the accident happened, it hadn’t made any sense. For weeks, I trie
d to figure out why they were driving the opposite direction of home.
It finally hit me: they were dropping Piper off at the afterparty.
“Why didn’t Piper go with any of you? It’s just not like Piper to get a ride from my parents, especially to a party. She would be too embarrassed. She had enough friends who were in the play who could have taken her,” I said, my voice had an edge.
“Sarah, stop. Why are you bringing this up?” Ethan slammed down his water.
Mr. Torke finally spoke. “Sarah, if you wanted to ask these questions, you could have asked years ago. It didn’t seem to be bothering you when you decided to skip out on college and move in with your hipster boyfriend in New York.”
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“Don’t be sorry. None of you be sorry. I mean, you both knew if you’d told me she was here, I wouldn’t have come. You know my issues and you still put me in this position. Now that I am here, I want closure from the one person at this table who saw my little sister last, especially if I’m going to be forced to sit across from her.”
“You’re not forced to do anything here,” Mr. Torke reassured me.
“Thank you,” I said, and grabbed my purse.
“This is why I never leave my house.” I glared at Ethan as he put his head down.
I ran home and grabbed a beer and a cigarette. I sat outside on my porch and saw Ethan walking over.
“I want to be alone, Ethan.”
“I’m sorry. We’ve just been talking so much lately. It felt…”
“Normal. Like I was normal. Did you forget about the stuff we talked about? I’m not taking any medication for this. My problem is still there, no matter how comfortable I am with you.”
“I want you to be comfortable with my family, too.”
“I can’t do that. You don’t even like your sister. If you can’t accept me for who I am, that’s fine, Ethan. Seriously, leave me before it starts to hurt.”
“Stop it. Stop it right now.” He rushed up to me and grabbed my chin and looked at me.
“I want you. I want you just the way you are.”
I looked away.
“No, I’m not done. I’m Ethan Torke, and I’m your boyfriend now, meaning it’s my job to take care of you. You’re so busy taking care of your father. I need to be there for you and I need you to be your best self, your most healthy self.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I want my dad to help you. I don’t need you to go to a bunch of parties or go clubbing. I just want you to be able to go to school, get a job, and mainly I want you to be able to walk across your graduation stage…”
“I’m camping in the backyard with my dad for a couple days. After that, we can talk, but I don’t want to see your sister ever again.” Sarah wasn’t ever going to make me feel any better about Piper’s death. If anything, she would only be a painful memory.
Five Years Ago
“Portia Willows. Your Godmother is here to take you home.”
“I don’t have a Godmother.” I looked at Dad. “Who the hell is my Godmother?”
He shrugged. He was in horrible shape. I knew I was going to have to take care of him. I was just happy they didn’t take everyone away from me.
“I’ll see you soon,” I said, and kissed his forehead.
“I love you, buddy,” he whispered.
“I’ll have a beer waiting for you.”
Susan and her husband Gary were standing there with Stefan. All had blank faces. I got in the car. It was raining and really quiet. I noticed we weren’t going in the direction of my house.
“Where are you taking me?”
“I think you should get some rest tonight and tomorrow, we’ll get your stuff.”
“Why? For what?”
“You’re going to be living with us, sweetie.” Susan sounded so sad and depressed.
Well, her best friend had just died.
“Fuck that,” I blurted out.
Stefan started laughing.
“You can’t stay on your own, you’re still a minor.”
“For a month, then I’m eighteen. But Dad is going to come home soon. Unless we can’t afford the house and then we’re both living with you.” All these thoughts and changes were flooding my head painfully. Tears poured out like waterfalls and I was choking, my throat trying to close.
Stefan was just staring at me with his headphones in. “You okay?”
I looked at him with swimming pool eyes and nodded.
We got to Susan’s. Their place was hoarder central. Toys were scattered all over the living room. Cartoons were on the TV. It looked so small because of how much furniture they had.
I couldn’t stay here.
I sat on the couch while Susan made me a cup of hot chocolate. She couldn’t stop crying. Gary couldn’t stop stressing out.
“Look, both of you guys need to calm down. Let’s think about this—we’re not living here. I’m going home. I need to get the house ready for Dad. I have to be strong for him.”
“Your mother and your sister died less than two hours ago. We need to think about this,” Gary said.
“What’s there to think about? You guys have nothing to do with us, with me. You’re my Mom’s friend, and she’s dead. Let me go home.”
Susan looked at Gary.
“Can you give us a minute?” Gary asked me.
I nodded and went outside.
“There’s something really wrong with her…” Gary didn’t even wait for me to shut the door before he said that.
I made a run for it.
No one followed me.
Three Years Ago
My dad was really excited about camping. He was bringing everything out—tent, wood, gasoline, air mattress and a sleeping bag, flashlights, even a lantern to go inside the tent. I was sitting on the back porch steps with a beer, smoking a cigarette, watching him.
“No cheating, you can’t go inside once we start camping. No getting up in the middle of the night. No sneaking across the street to see your boyfriend.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry about that anymore.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing, let’s just focus on spending this quality time together.”
After we got everything set up, we played card games and reminisced about Mom and Piper.
“What do you think they’re thinking?” Dad asked.
“I think Mom is shitting her pants right now looking down at us, but at the end of the day, she knows that we’re happy because I still have you and I didn’t lose everyone. As far as Piper, she’s also shitting her pants but in a different way. She’s proud of me. I know she is, for a fact.” I smiled. We were both on our backs inside the tent. It was Los Angeles, it wasn’t like you could see stars and hear nature. It was mostly sirens and cars on the freeway and it barely looked like it was the middle of the night since the sky was lit up by all the streetlights.
Dad turned to me and said, “I’m proud of you, kid. I never thought you would get out there and have your life, which, as your father, I loved. You could be my little girl forever. Piper, I knew she was going to grow up and grow apart from us. But you, honey, you were going to be my quiet little girl who would never forget about her daddy.”
I didn’t want to cry. This was a camping trip, it was supposed to be fun, but Dad was getting teary-eyed.
The next day, I started getting bored around three in the afternoon. I kept thinking about Ethan and what he was doing. He lived right across the street and I was stuck in the backyard with no phone and no computer. I kept looking out the side gate to see if I could catch a glimpse of him.
“Dad, can I at least go inside to pee?”
“No. Pee in the bushes.”
“Is that what you’ve been doing?”
“That’s camping, baby.”
I shook my head and laughed.
We did the same thing on this camping
trip we would have done inside—drink and smoke. I was zoning out into the sky while we were sitting on lawn chairs facing our own trees in front of a fire.
“You really like him, don’t you?” Dad asked. I hadn’t really been thinking about him, but I kind of was.
“I guess.” I took a swig of my drink.
“So what’s really the problem?” Dad asked.
“Do I really want to change who I am? Do I want to start putting myself out there more? No, I don’t, but for some reason, he seems worth it to me.”
He giggled.
“What?”
“You’re your father’s daughter. That’s how I was, except your mother was extremely different, you know. I didn’t think we could ever actually make a family and I wasn’t always sure I wanted to with her because I never wanted to grow up.”
“I remember you guys fighting about that a lot when I was younger.”
“I didn’t want to be an adult, but I would have done anything to make sure I didn’t lose her. She was worth every change I made.”
I looked down.
“Go.”
“What?” I didn’t want to forfeit the camping trip.
“Go,” he repeated.
I smiled as I hopped up and gave him a kiss on the forehead.
I ran across the street to knock on Ethan’s door. I was nervous. I didn’t have anything planned. It was him when the door opened. I was speechless. I just backed up as my mouth opened a little bit.
“Portia?” Ethan came outside and closed the door behind him.
“I’m sorry. I really like you and I’m willing to do whatever you want me to do.” My voice was shaking. “If you want me to get help, I’ll do it.” I stopped and he was just staring at me. I had no idea what he was thinking. Without warning, he rushed over and held me so tight. It wasn’t a hug. It was like he was trying to push me inside him. It was tight but it was also perfect. I put my hands around his head as I began to kiss him. He ran his fingers through my hair.
“My dad’s home, but you’re more than welcome to come inside,” he mumbled while still kissing me.
“Let’s go to mine.” I pulled him across the street with me.
We went straight to my room. Dad was still camping. We lay down on my bed. It felt so nice to be in his arms again. I never wanted to let go. I didn’t want to stop kissing him.
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