by Polly Heron
The smile dropped from Norris’s face. She practically heard the splat as it landed on the pavement. Then he chuckled.
‘How quaint, Molly. What a quaint idea. So old fashioned and, frankly, working class. It’s best to have one person in charge of the funds and you’re aware of how I excel at that. After the way I’ve saved up and been careful all this time, you can trust me. You know you can.’
‘I can’t think of anybody better qualified than you to be careful with money.’
Couldn’t he hear the dry note in her voice? Norris sighed softly, as if she had just made her wedding vows.
They walked past the hedge that bordered the recreation ground. The rec had started life on the other side of the road, but there were red-brick houses over there now. Molly wasn’t old enough to remember this change happening, but Dad knew when everything had been built, even if he hadn’t built it himself. In the cooling twilight, the privet hedge threw a long trail of crispness into the air and the earth added a tang of promise. The vast beech tree that overhung the road spilled a canopy of bright young leaves.
‘Norris, when we go on the day trip to Southport, I want to take part in everything. The lecture, the hotel meals, everything. I don’t want to go for a walk while everyone else goes on the Pleasure Beach.’
‘I can’t think of anything better than a stroll in the sea air.’
‘I mean it, Norris. I – I’m happy to pay my way if I have to.’
‘There’s no need for that.’ He said that sometimes, but it never stopped him accepting her contribution when the time came.
‘Mum gave me money towards it. Ten bob. Wasn’t that good of her? I’ll put it in the kitty for both of us.’
‘That’s champion of her, I must say. Ten whole shillings. As a matter of fact – and this will make you laugh – my mother gave me money too. Here I am, in my thirties, and she still sees me as her little lad.’
‘I think it’s sweet. How much did she give you?’
‘Fifteen shillings.’
‘Fifteen!’ Molly squeezed his arm. ‘Aren’t we lucky in our mothers?’
‘Indeed we are. So we’ll both put ten shillings in the kitty.’
‘You’re putting in ten?’
‘Then we’ll both have put in the same. I can’t say fairer than that.’
‘Can’t you?’ Molly stopped walking. ‘I can.’
Norris’s eyes widened. ‘Molly!’
‘My ten bob is more than yours.’
‘Now you’re being daft, love.’ Norris wagged his finger at her in mock telling-off; Molly felt like biting it. ‘You’ll have to shape up if I’m going to trust you with the household accounts book.’
‘Didn’t you do fractions at school, Norris? I did. My ten bob is all I was given. Yours is two-thirds of what you were given. So, no, both of us putting in ten shillings is not the same.’
Heat flushed through her. Honestly, she had had enough of being treated this way. Enough? Too much, more like. In that instant, her whole world shifted. The doubts and questions about her engagement that had been building up, and which she had only in the past few days started to articulate to herself, shuddered into a crisp new focus.
She inhaled sharply. The air was pungent with the scent of new growth. Very fitting. In that instant, she knew she was about to enter a phase of new growth herself.
Her stomach turned a somersault. ‘I’m sorry, Norris, but I’m – I’m breaking off our engagement.’
‘What? You can’t. I never heard anything more ridiculous. Here we are, having a pleasant evening together and now, all of a sudden, this. What’s got into you?’
‘I’m sorry to let you down, but—’
‘But what?’ He scrubbed his face with his hands, knocking his trilby at an angle. ‘I shaved off my moustache for you.’
‘I know.’
‘What have I done wrong? Don’t you believe I’m going to provide you with the modern cooker and everything else we’ve planned to have?’
‘Of course I believe it. It’s your unwillingness to spend money in other ways. Small ways.’
‘This can’t possibly be because of keeping five shillings out of what Mother gave me.’
‘It’s not just that.’ How petty she sounded. ‘There were other times, too.’
‘Such as?’
‘Such as, the donation you made towards sweets for the orphans.’
‘I seem to remember Mr Upton complimenting me on my generosity. Are you suggesting I should have been foolishly generous, like Harry, throwing his money around like there’s no tomorrow? I’ve been saving carefully to give you the best possible start to married life and now it turns out…’ Norris swallowed hard, pressing his lips together and blinking rapidly. ‘Well, you’ve certainly given me something to think about.’ He stood up straighter, pushing his shoulders back. ‘I suppose it’s better to get it out in the open than to let it build up.’
‘It’s been building up for some time.’
That was true, even if she hadn’t altogether realised it was building up, but it was the wrong thing to say, because he immediately countered with, ‘Then why didn’t you say something sooner? You shouldn’t have let it go this far. If you’d spoken up earlier…I love you, Molly. You know I do.’
Guilt tightened her chest. Was she supposed to remain engaged to Norris to spare his feelings at the expense of her own? She couldn’t do that. She had to break it off. People would call her a jilt and would whisper behind her back, and her family would curl up in shame, but she couldn’t continue with her engagement.
‘This business with the money from our mothers was the last straw. I’m sorry, Norris.’
‘This is very hurtful, Molly.’ His brown eyes were dark with reproach. ‘Everything I’ve done these past three years, everything I’ve worked for, has been for you, for our future. And now you want to call it off because of five bob. Do you imagine I intended to drink it down the pub?’
‘Of course not.’
‘Then what do you think I was going to do with it?’
‘That isn’t the point. The point is, you didn’t put all the money towards our kitty.’
How trifling it sounded. It sounded like she was the mean one. But it had built up over three years of watching Norris’s penny-pinching and small, needless economies; three years of watching him carefully shunting coins from one end of his change-purse to the other and scrutinising them while he worked out how few of them he could get away with parting with on this particular occasion.
Three years of being patronised. Three years of that chummy voice sounding so kind and indulgent when really he was talking down to her. Three years of being kept in her place. A future of ending up cowed and browbeaten, with everyone else thinking how lucky she was.
But she couldn’t say any of that. If she tried, he would turn it all around and make it her fault. He was good at that.
‘Norris, I’m sorry. I’m going to do something else with my life.’
Norris’s head snapped back as if she had struck him. A flush sharpened his cheeks. ‘What? What are you talking about?’
‘I want to try for another job. I’m interested in the new Board of Health.’
‘You don’t need a new job. You’re engaged to me.’
Hadn’t he heard her the first time? ‘I don’t want to be engaged any more.’
‘You can’t snap your fingers and declare it over. It has to be a joint decision – like getting engaged was a joint decision, and agreeing to wait five years. You can’t just call it off. Look, you’re upset. We’re both upset. We’ll discuss this on another occasion.’
‘No, Norris. I’m going to see if I can get a new job and—’
‘And live at home with your parents for ever, because you can’t afford to leave? You won’t earn enough to support yourself in any comfort. Women don’t. Everything in life is geared towards the female of the species being looked after by her menfolk, first by her father, then by her husband. That’s the way it’s meant to be. I
t’s why women don’t earn much – because it would be unnatural if they did. How can you imagine that life on your own will be better than life with me? Life on your own will be a damn sight harder – pardon my French.’
‘It’s what I want to do. I met someone at the orphanage, who told me a little about her work, and there was an article about the new Boards of Health a while back in Vera’s Voice.’
‘So you’re basing this on a chance meeting and a piece in a story-paper.’
‘I’m basing it on the fact that I’m capable of doing more than working in a sweet shop. I’m basing it on a wish to do some good in the world.’
Norris screwed up his mouth thoughtfully, then huffed out a breath. ‘Yes, I will say it. Need I remind you of what transpired the last time you struck out on your own in the world?’
Molly’s throat bobbed and her hands fell to her sides. It was all she could do not to cup her hands over her mouth as remorse washed through her.
‘I have your best interests at heart. I know you think you can cope in the big wide world, but you can’t. Experience has shown that you can’t. And you want to help other people?’ Norris laughed softly, a sad sound.
Doubt assailed her. Her insides felt heavy and numb. Yes, she had come home from the war and sought refuge in her old life behind the counter in Upton’s, but she was stronger now. She had recovered from past mistakes and no longer needed to hide herself away. The more she had dwelt on her conversation with Mrs Atwood, the more drawn she felt to this new way of opening up her life. Yes, opening it up. She was ready for more. She was ready for something new.
A quiet resolve steadied her. She tightened her fists and then relaxed them. ‘I do want to help others, Norris. What’s more, I think I’ll be good at it.’
‘Oh, really?’ Was that a sneer? ‘What makes you think that?’
She lifted her chin. ‘Because I understand, from my own experience, that life doesn’t always turn out the way you expect.’
‘Well, I suggest you don’t say that in your letter of application,’ scoffed Norris, ‘or they won’t look twice at you. They’ll want an upright, respectable person, who can set a good example.’
The hairs on Molly’s arms bristled. ‘Do I take it from that, that I’m not suitable wife material?’
Norris backed down immediately. ‘Of course not. I meant no such thing, as you well know. You’re exactly the right sort of wife, Molly, but you have to understand your limitations. You’re my best girl. Haven’t I looked after you all this time, eh? Done everything in my power to prepare for our future? Our secure, prosperous future. You can’t want to put that in jeopardy.’
But she could. As bizarre as it sounded in a world where prospective husbands were thin on the ground and spinsters were ten a penny, and where she was not merely a spinster but an old maid whose thirtieth birthday was a lot closer than she would like – as bizarre as it sounded, she wanted to take a chance. A new life beckoned – a new future. The want, the need of a worthwhile job, of wider horizons and personal fulfilment, was so intense that her heart squeezed.
‘I might not be offered a post.’
She had to say it. She had to face the possibility, had to bring herself down to earth. She didn’t say it for Norris’s benefit, but he nodded.
‘Very well then. I suppose there’s something to be said for letting you try.’
‘For letting me?’
‘And if you don’t get a job, I won’t hold this conversation against you. We’ll simply carry on as though nothing has happened. And if you do get a job, well, I’ll say “Good for you,” and cheer you along. I can’t say fairer than that.’
‘Stop it. You’re talking as if we’re still engaged.’
‘We are, as far as I’m concerned; and I’m sure your family will agree.’
She sucked in a breath. ‘Then you’ll all be wrong, won’t you?’
‘Are you mad?’ Gran’s faded blue eyes were wide with shock. ‘Norris is a good catch. You won’t find a better one, not at your age.’
‘I’m not looking for a better one.’
It was an effort to hold her voice steady. Did she sound defiant? Realising that tension had hauled her shoulders practically up to her ears, Molly forced them down again. The upset she had caused in her family was simply frightful – but what had she expected? She surely hadn’t been daft enough to imagine that anyone would take her side – had she? Everyone was shocked and hurt and dreadfully frightened that she would be mad enough to cast aside her secure future.
When she went to bed, her heartbeats slow with misery at having hurt her family, Mum came and sat on the mattress, like she used to do in the days of bedtime stories.
‘Molly, is this my fault? D’you remember saying about an office job and “what if”? And I said, “Better to get one while you’re engaged than spend your married life wondering.” Is this because of that?’
Molly reached for her hand. Crikey, Mum was trembling. Molly held her hand tightly. She wanted to kiss Mum’s knuckles.
‘This isn’t anyone’s fault, and certainly not yours, Mum. This is something I want to do. I want to find out what I’m capable of.’
‘What you’re capable of is being a sound wife and mother. As for being capable of something else, why would you want to? What’s the point? You need to get married. That’s what women do. That’s where we get our security and our status. You’re a lovely girl. You’re bright and friendly and you’ve got a good heart and, up until today, I’d have said a sensible head. In a different world, you’d have had your pick of half a dozen fellows, but not these days.’
‘Do you mean I should marry Norris even if he isn’t the right man for me?’
‘Isn’t he? He has been for the past three years. I’ve never heard you say a word against him. He’s decent and hardworking. He’ll keep a roof over your head and there’ll always be food on the table and a fire in the grate. That’s what life is about, Molly.’ Mum blew out a breath of pure exasperation. ‘I shouldn’t have to say these things to you. You’re aren’t a silly girl of sixteen with her head in the clouds. You’re the best part of thirty.’
‘Thanks for reminding me.’
‘You might never get another chance. Don’t throw this one away.’
So much for wanting to kiss Mum’s knuckles.
It was the same with everyone.
Auntie Faith said, ‘Norris is a good catch. You’ll not find a better one, especially not at your age.’
Dora said, ‘What’s got into you, our Molly? You and Norris have been together for years.’
‘Eh, Molly Watson, is it true?’ asked the neighbours when Mum sent Molly to the butcher.
‘Have you really called it off with that nice Norris Hartley? And him promising you a gas cooker an’ all. There’ll be plenty ready to step in and take your place, if you don’t watch out.’
Returning home with the shopping, Molly hesitated outside the open back door, hearing voices in the kitchen.
‘It isn’t just the shock of our Molly doing something so out of character,’ Gran was saying – and did she sound tearful? Molly’s heart clenched inside her chest. ‘It’s the humiliation to the whole family. It’s not something you can explain away. The girl’s making the worst mistake of her life and it reflects badly on us all. It makes her look feckless and it makes us look as if we haven’t fetched her up proper.’
Dad, bless him, tried his best with a practical suggestion.
‘If you want an office job, love, I’ll give you a go in Perkins and Watson. It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve had a lady clerk.’
‘Thanks, Dad, but the job I’m interested in isn’t simply an office job. It’s to do with helping people in the community.’ Molly hugged him. ‘But thanks for offering.’
She chose not to ask whether her acceptance would have been conditional upon ‘seeing sense’ and getting back together with Norris.
And that was another thing: Norris…
‘Don’t be
too hard on her,’ said Norris.
Just how had he ended up in their sitting room, talking it over with the family?
‘She’s having a touch of the collywobbles,’ he went on. ‘It’s the long engagement. Now that your Dora is rushing up the aisle, it’s put the wind up Molly, what with her being so much older. It’s the equivalent of when women take too much exercise and their insides go all deranged. Molly…well, I won’t court trouble by suggesting her brain is deranged, but her feelings are. It’s her kind heart, you see. Haven’t I always said she’s got a kind heart? She’s taken it into her head to have a bash at this Board of Health malarkey and I suppose I’ll have to go along with it.’ He chuckled. ‘I blame those orphans and their maypole dancing. That’s what put it into her head. It shows what a kind heart she’s got, wanting to help poor mites like that.’
Molly stood up and left the room before her deranged feelings got the better of her and she seized the ornamental tankard from the mantelpiece and bashed Norris over the head.
What if she failed to get taken on by the Board of Health? Would everyone expect her to go back to him?
The only one who seemed to be on her side was Tom. He enfolded her in a hug that smelled of wood shavings, brick dust and soap.
‘Do what’s right for you.’ His words were warm against her hair. ‘Word of advice?’
‘As long as you don’t suggest asking Norris to take me back.’
‘Wouldn’t dream of it. Get Dora to cross your name off the list for going on the jolly to Southport. Better all round if you don’t go.’
She suppressed a shiver. ‘Much better.’
Molly wrote and rewrote her letter of application until she was sure she couldn’t improve it any further, her tummy fluttering as she dropped it into the pillar-box. After that, as she waited for a reply, it became increasingly difficult not to be rattled by the remarks of her nearest and dearest. Shouldn’t they support her instead of criticising and worrying?
And what if they were right? It was impossible not to feel quivery on the inside when she considered the enormity of what she was doing. Was the possibility of this job and a fresh future really worth casting aside what might well be her one and only chance of a settled life? But she couldn’t express her anxiety in case her family marched her straight to Norris’s house for a reconciliation.
