“Because he was emotionally unavailable at a time when I needed him most.” She gestured over to the drink table, where Ricky was showing Lance and the boys his rope tricks.
“He’s great about physically being here, at least when he’s not consumed with work. Maybe I’m asking too much. But I see how happy my sisters are, and I know that it’s possible to have a man who is emotionally present.”
A thoughtful look crossed Janie’s face. “They are hard to come by. My dad has always been so great that it never occurred to me that other men were not as in touch with their feelings. Unfortunately, I learned that the hard way.”
She glanced over at her son, who had joined the boys and Ricky. In all the time Erin had known Janie, the single mom had never spoken of her son’s father. But watching the expression on her face, Erin figured that’s who her friend must have been talking about.
Janie turned back to Erin. “But I got a great kid out of the deal, so I have no regrets. And even though I probably shouldn’t have said anything, and you can tell me to butt out if I’m overstepping, I don’t know a lot of men who would drop everything to help their ex-wife the way Lance has been helping you. It’s obvious you still love him, so maybe you guys can figure out how to make that emotional thing work between you. I don’t think he’s a lost cause.”
Erin had thought the same thing, at least until Lance had shut her down last night.
“Thanks. To be honest, I’ve been rethinking a lot of things about our relationship. I don’t know if anything will come of it, and my main focus is on the boys. But maybe, once my sisters return, Lance and I can figure some of this out.”
“I’ll be praying for you,” Janie said.
Janie gave her a quick hug and they rejoined the group. Everyone was discussing plans to go to the nursing home tomorrow. She’d briefly discussed it with Lance and he hadn’t given her a firm answer. But, she supposed, if he didn’t want to take her, she and the boys could find a ride.
Lance and Ricky joined them. Ricky wore such a mischievous grin that Erin was almost afraid of what the older man had up his sleeve.
“Erin, you never told us that your ex was the Lance Drummond,” Ricky said.
She’d never heard of Lance being referred to in such exalted terms.
“I’m not sure what you wanted me to have said about him,” she said.
“Well, for starters, he’s an expert mountaineer,” Ricky noted. “Now you know I’ve been looking for someone to lead some of the crazies coming to my ranch on mountain climbing expeditions. I could’ve hired him.”
If Lance was interested in a job. Erin smiled at Ricky. “Did he also mention that he owns a very successful outdoor company and it takes up so much of his time that he has little time for climbing?”
“Ultimate Outdoors. I know.” Ricky nodded enthusiastically. “I’ve been trying to get their sales rep to call me back about special pricing for the ranch. If I had known that you knew the owner, I’d have gone straight to the top. We’ve got a party going on right now, but I expect you to bring Lance back to see me before he leaves town.”
She glanced over at Lance, who shrugged like it was no big deal. Maybe this was the good that could come out of the situation. Ricky was known to be a shrewd businessman. One didn’t carry on a ranching legacy that had lasted for four generations without that skill. And yet Ricky seemed to know all about balancing his personal life and his professional life—no small feat, considering he lived and breathed the Double R.
Travis, the man Erin had thought Lance would get along well with, stepped forward. “You’re Lance Drummond? I love your blog articles on Ultimate Outdoors. That one on first aid in the wilderness? It saved my buddy’s life.”
It was amazing how quickly people surrounded Lance, talking to him about his business. A lot of the people in the area loved the outdoors. From camping to hiking to rock climbing to fishing to hunting, all were activities popular in the area. So to find that this was not only Lance’s passion but his business gave everyone something to talk about.
Watching Lance talk, and seeing the animation on his face as everyone told him about all of the activities to do around Columbine Springs, wasn’t helping Erin in her quest to get over him. Their shared love of the outdoors had always given them fun ways to spend time together. That was the thing Erin had missed the most when it came to Lance being so busy with his business. They’d stopped doing a lot of those things.
One of her favorite baby shower gifts when she’d been pregnant with Lily had been a backpack carrier so they could take Lily with them on hikes. But the carrier had remained in the box because Lance was always working too much. Erin hadn’t been able to handle getting outdoors with Ryan and Lily plus Dylan all by herself. Leah had been busy working to make ends meet for her family, and Nicole had been working while trying to finish up her masters.
None of this had mattered to Lance, at least not as far as she could tell. Though she’d wondered if he’d ever been lost in the same kind of moments of melancholy where he thought about all the things they could have done but had never gotten around to. She’d brought it up to him once after Lily died, but he’d only gotten angry with her and told her it wasn’t his fault they hadn’t had the chance to do any of those things with Lily.
What would he say now? Had he done any of the things he used to love during his time off work?
One of the ranch hands came in to let them know the sleigh was ready. Erin gathered the boys and they followed him outside to prepare for their outing.
* * *
Lance hadn’t expected to enjoy himself so much. His original plan had been to stay long enough to be polite, make excuses to leave, then go back to the house and continue looking through the books. Chad had made good on his promise to send updated passwords, and as far as Lance could tell, everything was good between them. But as they loaded into the horse-drawn sleigh, Lance was glad he’d stayed.
Because so many people had come, not everyone would be able to ride in the sleigh. People seemed to have prepared for that, many had brought snowshoes. Lance had taken Erin snowshoeing once. It had been a lot of fun and he’d always hoped they could do it again. Looking at Erin’s foot, it would be a while before she’d be able to do so.
Ricky gestured to a spot in the sleigh. “Erin, you sit there. Lance you get next to her and the boys can sit on your laps.”
The arrangement brought them practically snuggled up together. As he caught the gleam in Ricky’s eye, Lance was pretty sure Ricky had done that on purpose. As more people piled into the sleigh, Lance was forced to sit even closer to Erin. As a mature adult, it seemed easy enough to handle. After all, he and Erin had been in close proximity often since his arrival.
But then she shivered and Lance couldn’t help putting his arm around her. Ricky tossed them a blanket. “I’ve got a whole stack of them, so you take what you need. We’ve already got poor Erin on injured reserve, and I don’t want her getting sick on top of it.” Lance wrapped the blanket around all of them, which made Erin snuggle even closer to him.
Why did she still have to feel so good in his arms? This wasn’t the first time he’d been aware of her, remembering things like how he used to tease her that her shampoo smelled like sunshine. It still did.
She whispered something in Ryan’s ear, but Lance couldn’t hear it because of the wind rushing around them. The fresh snow made for a nice ride, but it was colder out than he’d expected and it made him realize just how long it had been since he’d spent much time outdoors in the winter.
Before he’d gotten so busy with work, he’d done all sorts of adventurous winter outdoor things. It was weird, listening to all these people go on and on about how much they admired him when he wasn’t much of a mountaineer or an outdoorsman anymore. Erin used to accuse him of having lost his way. Oddly enough, being here, part of her new life, talking with her new friends, he could
kind of understand why.
It seemed crazy to think about how much everything had changed for him in recent years.
Yes, he’d put all the blame on Erin after Lily’s death, saying that his life had been just fine, perfect actually, until Erin’d had to go and ruin it all by letting their daughter die. As much as Lance hated to admit it, he’d lost a lot of the things he’d loved long before he’d lost Lily.
Dylan looked up at him. “Uncle Lance?”
“What’s up?”
“How come after your daughter died, you and Aunt Erin got a divorce instead of having more kids? You’d make a good dad.”
If it hadn’t been a nine-year-old kid asking him that question, Lance would’ve punched him. Especially because Erin’s indrawn breath told him the innocent question hadn’t just been a punch to his gut but had hurt Erin, as well.
Instead, Lance gave him a squeeze, trying to find the right words without breaking down.
“It’s not that simple,” he finally said. But Dylan continued staring at him like he expected an answer.
Out of the corner of his eye, Lance glanced at Erin, who was clearly trying not to cry. The question was probably doubly painful for her, considering she’d just asked Lance to consider giving their relationship another try.
Lance took a deep breath. “Have you ever tried your hardest at something, only it still didn’t work?”
Dylan nodded. “I really wanted to be the pitcher, but coach keeps putting me in outfield.”
Not exactly the same thing. “Do you keep trying to be the pitcher or do you just do the best job you can as an outfielder?”
Dylan gave him a stubborn look. “My dad says you never give up on your dreams.”
A great motivational speech if you weren’t talking about losing your family.
“Your dad sounds like a wise man. But sometimes you have to evaluate whether or not your dream is really possible. And when it comes to people, and relationships, it’s a lot harder than just going out in the backyard and throwing more balls.”
Dylan rested his head on Lance’s chest. “Well, I think you should think about having more kids. You’d be a really good dad and Aunt Erin would be the best mom, besides my mom.”
A tear ran down Erin’s cheek and Lance watched as she quickly brushed it away.
He’d been so foolish in thinking that Lily’s death had been all about him and his loss.
Lance gave Dylan another squeeze. “Thank you. That’s high praise, coming from a wise kid. I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you leave these grown-up matters to the grown-ups, and you focus on becoming the best baseball player you can?”
Dylan snorted. “I’m not going to be a baseball player. I’m going to be a cowboy. The baseball part is just for fun. When I grow up, I’m going to have a bigger ranch than Mom and Dad’s, and even Mr. Ricky’s. Everyone is going to say I have the nicest cows in the whole wide world, and my horses are going to be the prettiest and smartest.”
Ricky turned from his spot in the driver’s seat. “Bigger than mine? That’s some ambition you got, boy.”
Ricky chuckled and Lance was grateful for the way it lightened the moment, because even Erin had smiled.
When he’d come, he’d been angry with her for suggesting that she might find love again and start a new family. But the longing on her face after Dylan’s comment was real. He’d made Lily’s loss all about him, but after last night, and now, he could see how wrong he’d been.
Erin had suggested they try again on their relationship.
But it hadn’t worked before and he hadn’t been able to be the man she’d wanted. So what made her think he could be now?
Chapter Eight
Lance hung back as a group went to cut Christmas trees. He looked around for Erin and the boys but didn’t see them. Ricky stepped up beside him. “They’re fine. Erin’s in the warming hut over by the pond, and the boys went with the others to get trees. Jack, my foreman, is watching out over them. Erin looked like she could use a break and, after the conversation in the sleigh, I figured you could use one, too.” Ricky held up a thermos. “Want some coffee?”
Lance nodded and Ricky unscrewed the cap and handed it to him. He poured some coffee into that cup then pulled a folding cup out of his jacket pocket.
“We sell a lot of those in our stores,” Lance said. “Very handy.”
Ricky grinned. “That’s where I got it. Always loved your stuff. You might not be the cheapest outfit around, but you get what you pay for.”
He liked Ricky’s no-nonsense way of putting things.
“That’s always been the point of Ultimate Outdoors,” Lance said. “My friend Chad and I started the company after we’d gone on a camping trip and the equipment we bought at one of those big box stores failed. We talked to the company, but they didn’t care. So, we started our own business, finding the best equipment out there. People liked it, and the business grew faster than either of us could have imagined.”
He felt like an idiot, rambling on about the business, except Ricky seemed interested. Whenever he’d talked about work, Erin had always seemed to zone out. Even being here, with Lance finally having an opportunity to prove himself, Erin had gotten defensive when he’d tried to tell her about it.
One more reason he wondered how they would make it work a second time if it had been such a problem for her during their marriage. He still needed to make a living. And now that he’d spent part of the day with her and her friends, he couldn’t see her being willing to give this up to move back to Denver with him.
“It’s like a good woman,” Ricky said. “Once you find one, you don’t want to let her go.”
He should have known he was walking right into something. It was plain to see that the old man cared deeply for Erin and her family. Lance was glad that the sisters had finally found a father figure they could count on.
Lance smiled at Ricky. “A good woman is a treasure indeed, but just because she’s a good woman doesn’t mean she’s the right woman for every man.”
Ricky didn’t return his smile. “How’d you let her go?”
“She left me,” Lance said.
“What’d you do to make her leave? Erin isn’t the type to walk away from a commitment. She’s the most loyal woman I know.”
His father had asked him that same question, for the same reasons. Except his father had also made snide comments about how he figured Lance couldn’t keep a woman like Erin. But Lance could tell by the look on Ricky’s face that he wasn’t so much judging him as trying to understand.
Lance drank the rest of his coffee. “She said I wasn’t emotionally available.”
“My Rosie used to complain about the same thing. And my boy, Cinco. They both said I cared more about the ranch than I did about them. And it took losing them for me to realize they were right.”
The older man’s weathered face was filled with regret. “Don’t make the same mistake I did. I know you two lost a child, but you’re young. I know another child can never replace what you lost, but I’ll tell you I’d give just about anything for the chance to be a father, or even a grandfather. My son’s wife was pregnant when he died, but because we didn’t have a good relationship, I didn’t even get to meet my grandchild. Erin and her sisters are helping me try to locate him or her, but we keep running into dead ends.”
Listening to Ricky, Lance understood what the other man was trying to do. To help him see the mistakes he’d made so he could rectify them before he got to be Ricky’s age and it was too late.
“But that doesn’t mean Erin and I can make it work,” Lance said.
Ricky nodded slowly. “Do you love her?”
Lance sighed. It wasn’t that simple. And, mostly, he wasn’t sure. Sometimes he thought he still loved her. But other times he was so angry with her, he thought he might hate her.
“You do,�
� Ricky said. “Love is a complicated emotion. Everyone watching the two of you together can tell you love each other. You’ve just forgotten how to go about it. Whatever makes you afraid of your emotion, fix it. If you can’t figure it out with a good woman like Erin, there’s probably not anyone else in this world who can do it for you.”
That was exactly why Lance hadn’t started dating. Why he couldn’t understand why Erin had been so willing to start again. But she wasn’t the one who had problems with emotion. She’d do just fine.
“Don’t say you’re fine being alone. I told that lie for years. Then you watch everyone around you die and you realize, what were you on this earth for? I got me a pile of money and nothing to do with it. Erin’s helping me with my trust to preserve the ranch for future generations. What are you going to do with that big old company of yours?”
If he still had a place in the company. Lance figured it would go to Chad, but Chad was in the same position. Too married to his work to find anyone special. There’d been a woman once, before he and Chad had met, but all Chad would say was that he’d learned his lesson and it was enough.
He supposed, if Leah would let him have a relationship with the boys, he could leave it to them, but he had to admit that having a relationship with his quasi nephews was different from having his own family.
So far, Ricky had been doing all the talking and Lance had been answering in his head. But the way Ricky looked at him, Lance knew he was going to have to give an answer sooner or later. Except he didn’t have any.
“I know you mean well,” Lance finally said. “But I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for. I can’t be the man Erin wants me to be, and I’m not sure how we move past everything that happened between us. I appreciate you taking the time to tell me about your past, but there’s nothing I can do at this point.”
Ricky nodded slowly. “I guess you’re not as smart as I thought you were. But you can’t blame an old fool for trying. You should go with that group from the church to visit the nursing home so you can see what you have to look forward to. Because that’s the life you’re choosing.”
His Christmas Redemption Page 10
