“Isn’t it?” Gavin took two steps toward her and looked down at her upturned face. “I love you.”
A painful thud originated in her chest and quickly spread through her body.
“I love you, Thea. I’ve tried to find other w-ways to tell you because you didn’t want to hear the exact words, but maybe the problem is you just don’t want to hear them at all.”
A breathlessness took hold of her voice. Her thinking. “You’re trying to confuse things, equate things that aren’t connected. I am not going to have that conversation right now.”
“That conversation is everything!” Gavin gripped her shoulders. “Tell me you love me.”
A sob choked her throat.
“Why can’t you say it, Thea? After everything we’ve been through. Do you love me or not?”
“I . . . I don’t trust you.”
Gavin made a garbled noise and grabbed his hair as he turned away from her. After a moment, he faced her again, a resigned slump to his shoulders. “What do you want, Thea?”
“I want honesty.”
“You lied to me for three years. Don’t talk to me about honesty.”
“That’s not fair.” It was a weak response. A desperate response. An I have no other defense response.
“Maybe it’s time you started being honest with yourself.”
“I have been honest with myself. That’s why I finally asked you to leave! Why I’m going back to school.”
“That’s surface-level bullshit, Thea.” He laughed, shook his head, and pointed. “And those are not my words. It’s what Del said to me when I refused to do what needed to be done. But I have now. I’ve done everything I can. But I can’t be the only one doing the work.”
He sidestepped her and walked out. His soft footsteps faded down the hallway toward their bedroom.
Fear and pettiness rose and grabbed the mic. Thea stomped after him. “You’re going to walk away from this? Why am I not surprised?”
She stopped and caught her breath when she saw him toss his suitcase on the bed.
“You already packed,” she said.
“For New York.”
“What are you doing?” she whispered.
“The one thing that scares me the most,” he said, walking to his dresser. “The thing I swore I’d never be able to do, w-which means it’s the thing I absolutely have to do.”
He pulled a stack of clothes from the top drawer and carried them back to the bed. “I’m leaving you.”
“Of course you are,” Thea snapped, but the venom of her voice was just a cover for the way her heart was breaking. “Because that’s what you do. You leave.”
Gavin didn’t take the bait. He calmly zipped his suitcase and hefted it off the bed. “No, I don’t. That’s your father. And I am not your father.”
“Gavin . . .” The beseeching tone was hers now.
He paused in the doorway but wouldn’t look at her. “Backstory is everything, Thea. Dig into yours. Maybe then we’ll have a chance.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
A half hour after Gavin left, Thea returned to her old lying ways. She told the girls that Daddy had to go to New York for a photo shoot and would be back in time for Christmas.
Then she brewed a cup of coffee she didn’t want, pushed down the emotions she didn’t want to feel, and pretended everything was fine.
It all went to shit when she heard a key in the door. Heart racing, Thea leapt from the couch and raced into the hallway. “Gavin—”
Liv stood in the entryway. “It’s me.”
The girls, who’d been coloring on the floor in the living room, raced toward her like they always did. The raw sting of betrayal, guilt, and old-fashioned heartbreak brought a sharp whip to Thea’s voice. “Did you forget something?”
Liv extracted herself from the girls. “No.”
“So, you’re here to rub it in? Say I told you so?”
“No. I’m here because Gavin texted me and said you might need me.”
Thea’s entire body jolted. She squashed the reaction and turned toward the kitchen. “I don’t.”
“Thea, I’m sorry,” Liv said, following.
“For what?” Thea mindlessly walked to the coffeepot just to have something to do.
“This is my fault.”
“Nope. Not your fault.”
“Look,” Liv said, moving forward. “Maybe I was wrong. Texting me was a pretty decent thing to do.”
Thea scoffed. “Now you think he’s decent? You’ve spent the past two months convincing me he was an irredeemable asshole.”
“I’m sorry.” Liv’s voice and expression were sincere, and they had the effect of dousing the petty rage controlling Thea’s words. “Is he coming back?”
“I-I don’t know.”
Liv rushed forward. “I’m sorry, Thea. I was just so afraid of, of losing you the way I lose everyone else. I’m sorry, Thea. I’m so sorry.”
Thea hugged her sister. “It’s not your fault.”
Liv slung an arm around Thea’s shoulders, and Thea let her. “Want to eat ice cream and watch Golden Girls?”
No, not really, but Thea said yes anyway. Because the thing she wanted to do even less was sit alone and listen for the sound of his car returning and realize that she finally understood another one of Gran Gran’s sayings.
A lonely marriage is the worst kind of lonely there is.
Thea felt as alone now as she’d ever felt in her life.
* * *
• • •
Gavin spent a long, dark night on one of the couches in Mack’s basement because it seemed fitting to have this whole thing end the same place it began.
Well, and because no one else would let him stay. Del and Yan both said he needed to face this one alone, Malcolm had other plans, and there was no way he was going to the Russian’s house. Who knew what digestive horrors awaited there?
Mack had let him in, handed him a bottle of whiskey and a blanket, and told him he’d cut off his balls if Gavin threw up anywhere but in the toilet.
Now he was awake, the bottle of whiskey unopened and untouched on the coffee table, and a pair of eyes he didn’t recognize were staring openly as if he were an exhibit in a zoo.
“Are you sick?” The little girl had dark pigtails and clutched a pink stuffed rabbit. “Uncle Mack says you’re sick.”
Gavin cleared his throat. It felt like sandpaper. How was it possible to have a hangover without alcohol? “Uncle Mack?”
“Yeah, he’s my uncle.”
“And you are?”
“Lucy.”
“Nice to meet you.”
Lucy put her hand on his forehead. “You don’t have a fever. Your breath is kind of stinky, though.”
Despite the clanging in his head and the empty cavern where his heart used to be, Gavin managed to crack a smile. “I’m sure it is.”
“Uncle Mack told me to give you this.” She pulled a green apple from the pocket of her sweatshirt.
Gavin puffed out a laugh. “Where is Uncle Mack?”
“Upstairs with my mommy and daddy and my sisters.”
The clanging in his head became a jackhammer as a stream of sunlight broke through the blinds to the French doors that led to the backyard and pool. “Well,” Gavin said, sitting. “Thank you for my apple. Would you ask Uncle Mack to come downstairs?”
“Okay!” Lucy skipped away, leaving Gavin with a spiking panic that he’d been too rash yesterday. That he should have turned around and gone back the instant he left. That he should have just begged for forgiveness. But he couldn’t do that. Not anymore.
Thudded footsteps on the stairs announced Mack. He rounded the corner and smirked. “You alive?”
“I didn’t drink anything.”
Mack raised an eyebrow. “Wow. You have
changed.”
Gavin dry washed his face. “I didn’t know you have a niece.”
“I have several. My brother’s kids.”
“Didn’t know you have a brother, either.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”
Gavin acknowledged that with a nod. “Thanks for letting me stay.”
“When does your plane leave?”
Right. New York. As if he cared about any of that right now. “Couple of hours.”
Mack dropped into a game chair and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Leaving was a bold move, Gav.”
“Del didn’t seem to think so.”
“Well, you did sort of violate the number one rule.”
“Don’t talk about book club?”
Mack looked sideways. “OK, the number two rule.”
“Don’t let the Russian shit in your bathroom?”
“You weren’t supposed to re-create the book, smart-ass. We told you that.”
Gavin stared at the apple in his hand. “However this turns out, I w-w-want you to know that I appreciate everything you and the guys have done.”
He was a different man than he’d been before book club. He recognized his own faults and shortcomings. He was more confident in expressing himself. And, yeah, he was a better lover.
But it still wasn’t enough. Love isn’t enough.
“What’s your next move?” Mack asked, standing.
“I have to catch a plane. After that, I have no idea.”
The ball was in Thea’s court. All he could do was wait.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Thea awoke in the guest bed. Her neck was stiff from the awkward position she’d slept in because she’d fallen asleep reading. All night she dreamed in Regency England, but the people were real.
And when she woke, so was the shame.
“You want coffee?”
Thea glanced over her shoulder. Liv stood in the doorway. “Sure.”
Liv wandered in and sat down on the bed. “What are you doing in here?”
Thea stood and walked to the window. “You know what I did all night?”
“Smashed the wall?”
Thea managed a laugh. “No. I thought about Mom.”
“You’ve spent your entire life believing one version of the truth . . . Have you ever looked at things from your mother’s point of view?”
Liv reared back. “Why?”
Because backstory is everything. “Just trying to think about things from her perspective.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure she deserves that.”
“Maybe not, but automatically hating her for the decisions she made hasn’t exactly worked for me. Or for you. Has it?”
Liv stood. “Don’t go kicking over logs if you’re not prepared for what comes crawling out.”
Thea laughed. “Gran Gran.” Liv and Thea had heard that phrase perhaps more than any other. A philosophy for life that Thea had completely misunderstood. The point wasn’t to fear the ugly crawly things. The point was to be strong enough to face them.
“I’m a coward, Liv.”
Her sister did her usual what nonsense are you spouting smirk. “You? A coward? You’re the strongest person I know.”
“No. I’m not. Gavin was right about me. I’m a coward.”
“Don’t, Thea.”
“I have to. Do you know what caused our breakup?”
Liv blinked, wary.
“I was faking it in bed. He found out, and he was hurt. He handled it badly, but so did I. I wasn’t fair to him—”
“You’ve been more than fair.”
“Have I really, though? I faked everything with him, and it’s not because of anything he did. It’s because I’m broken, Liv. I’m scared to open up to him, really open up to him. And now he’s gone. Again.”
He was right. Backstory was everything. The faked orgasms. The unwillingness to say she loved him. Her reaction to the books, to believe the worst about him. They were all part of the same twisted knot of issues that she’d never dealt with. Her parents had left her unable to trust. And it was costing her the man she loved.
She loved him. So much.
He hadn’t left her.
She’d pushed him away.
Thea turned around and embraced her sister. “Thank you for being here.”
Liv squeezed. “Yeah, yeah. You and me, always.”
Thea pulled back and smoothed her hair off her forehead. “Liv, I know I’ve relied on you a lot, but do you think you could stay here this weekend with the girls?”
Liv grinned. “Are you going to New York to see Gavin?”
“No. I’m going to Dad’s wedding.”
* * *
• • •
Gavin barely made his flight on time. Del, Yan, and the other Legends players who were part of the photo shoot were already in their seats in first class when he dragged his bag and his ass on board. As he shoved his luggage and coat into the overhead bin, Del watched with one of his silently seething death glares that were so intimidating on the field.
Gavin glared back and sank into the open seat next to him. Then he closed his eyes, tilted his head back, and hoped Del got the message that he was in no mood for another round of you fucking idiot.
“You fucking idiot.”
“I d-d-did what I had to, Del.”
“How could you think leaving her was a good idea?”
Gavin opened his eyes and glowered. “I didn’t think it was a good idea. It fucking sucks. I’m dying here. Bleeding out of my chest—”
Gavin’s phone buzzed, and he scrambled to dig it out of his jeans pocket. Please be Thea. Please be Thea.
It was Liv. Mother-fobbing bugbear!
“Answer it, idiot,” Del said.
He swiped the screen. Liv didn’t bother with hello. “I just thought you should know that she’s going to need you.”
Gavin sat up straight, heart pounding as he imagined the worst. “What happened? Is it one of the girls?”
“She’s on her way to Atlanta.”
He searched the fog of his brain for the significance of that. Then, “She’s going to the wedding?”
“I don’t know what the hell is going on, but she tore out of here like it was the most important thing in the world to her.”
“Backstory.”
“What?”
“She’s doing it. She’s digging into it.”
“Am I supposed to know what any of that means?”
“Thank you for telling me, Liv. You have no idea how important this is.”
She paused and softened her voice. “Just make sure she’s OK.”
Liv hung up. Gavin sat in motionless indecision for a split second before he shot to his feet. He whacked his head on the overhead bin and swore out loud. “Urchin-snouted codpiece!”
Rubbing his head, he ducked out of his row. A flight attendant told him he needed to take his seat because the outer door was about to close.
Del leaned over. “Dude, what are you doing?”
“I have to get off the plane.” He opened the bin and grabbed his shit.
The flight attendant approached, hands raised. “Sir, I really need you to sit.”
“I can’t. You have to let me off. I have to . . . I have an emergency.”
“I have to get off too.” Del suddenly stood.
Followed by Yan. “Yo también.”
“Gentleman, please—”
“Listen, we have an emergency here,” Del barked.
“Is someone ill?”
People were staring now. Another flight attendant was making her way up the aisle.
Del grabbed Gavin’s arm and grinned. “Grand gesture time?”
“Oh, yeah.” Gavin turned back to the flight attend
ant and conjured his sternest game face. “Let me off this plane. I have to go marry my wife.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
A line of vintage Rolls-Royces parked in front of the soaring stone cathedral was the best indication that Thea was in the right place. Her father never did anything halfway. Well, except marriage. Her father had been half-assing marriage forever. But the weddings? He spared no expense for those.
Thea had driven the entire four hours to Atlanta this morning. She started and stopped to call Gavin no less than a dozen times on the way. She didn’t even know if he would answer, and even if he did, she wasn’t actually ready to talk to him.
By some miracle, she arrived early enough that she landed a prime parking spot on the opposite side of the church that would let her flee in a hurry, if necessary. The bad news was, now she had to sit there with just her thoughts for way too long.
Thea closed her eyes and leaned her head against the seat. God, what was she doing there? Of all the stupid, impulsive things to do. What was this going to accomplish? It wasn’t fair to confront her father on his wedding day, and she had no desire to ruin his fiancée’s big day. Poor woman had enough hurt coming her way eventually, anyway.
But she’d come all this way, and she needed to get through this. Because Gavin was right. She’d been running and hiding from her own backstory for too long, and her father played a starring role in it.
Thea jumped at the sound of a knock on her window. Her eyes flew open to find—oh, crap. Her father peered in at her. In his charcoal gray tuxedo and with his salt-and-pepper hair, he looked more like the father of the bride than the groom.
Thea lowered the window, which seemed to amuse him. “You ever going to come in, or are you going to watch the whole wedding from out here?”
“How’d you know I was here?”
He pointed to an upper level of the church. “Window.”
“You recognized me from all the way over there?”
“I recognize my daughter, yes.”
The word daughter stung like a sharp needle. She knew this man so little that even calling him Dad made her squirm. But he could just blurt out “my daughter”?
The Bromance Book Club Page 26
