by Holly Renee
Even if I knew I would probably regret it.
Yes.
He didn’t say another word as I sat outside and counted down the minutes. The smoker snubbed out his cigarette and walked back inside, and the couple who were drinking as they spoke left the short rocks glasses on one of the benches as they walked back into the ballroom hand in hand.
The music that was playing inside was filtering out into the garden even if it was much gentler out here. I let my head fall back on my shoulders, and I stared up at the stars as I listened.
I wondered if there were dozens of couples crowding the dance floor at that very moment. If my father was wondering where I was or if he was too busy talking to his business associates like that mattered most in the world.
The music blared through the space, and I knew that someone had just walked through the door. I knew it was Beck before I even raised my head. When I finally did look his way, he was standing with his back against the wall, and he was watching me with unhindered focus.
I let my hands fall to my sides as I stared back at him, and he was so damn beautiful.
He always was, but tonight in that tux, he looked every bit the man that his father was trying to make him into. He didn’t look like he belonged in high school or anywhere near a girl like me.
He looked handsome and ruthless and so damn dangerous.
I tightened my thighs as his gaze ran over me. He looked so hungry, absolutely ravenous, and I knew that I was the thing he desired.
Beck was bad at so many things, but he had never made me question how much he wanted me. Even after his stupid games of revenge, I knew that his body wanted me regardless of what was going on in his head and in his heart.
He walked toward me slowly, and I could have sworn that he could hear my heartbeat with every step.
He stopped right in front of me and simply held out his hand.
"No one can see us out here." He nodded toward his hand, and I didn’t hesitate as I took it.
He pulled me into his body and quickly twirled me around. I smiled and held onto his shoulders.
"Aren’t you supposed to be schmoozing people in there?" I nodded toward the door, but he didn’t look away from me.
"My dad can handle that. I have my hands full."
"Oh yeah?" I raised an eyebrow at him, and the smile he gave me in return was so lethal that I felt it all the way to my core.
"Yeah. I have some major making up to do." My heart ached at his words. I wished like crazy that he didn’t need to make up for anything. I wished that he had never done anything to hurt me in the first place.
He knew it too. He lifted my chin with his fingers and brought my eyes back to meet his.
"Did I tell you that you look beautiful tonight?"
"You did." I nodded and let him move me over the concrete pavers.
"Did I tell you that I was sorry for the locker room?"
My chest felt like it was on fire just at the memory. "Why are you sorry about that?" I would die if he said that he regretted it. To know that he regretted anything with me would hurt me far worse than anything he had ever done before.
Not even that video could hurt me as bad as knowing that he hated what had happened between us.
"Because I didn’t want that to happen until you wanted it to. I feel like I keep fucking this up."
I searched his face for his lies, but I couldn’t find any. I knew that I would be a complete and total fool just to believe the words he said to me, but I wanted to. I wanted to be a fool with him for at least one more night.
"There really isn’t a this, though. There is you; then there is me."
He shook his head, and his hands tightened around my back. "There is definitely a this whether you like it or not."
"So, what? Even if I don’t want this to happen you’re going to force it on me?" I knew it was the wrong choice of words as soon as I said them. His body tensed against mine, and I could have sworn his eyes instantly darkened.
"I would never force you to do anything."
"That’s not what I meant." I shook my head and held him closer to me as I could feel him pulling away. "I know you wouldn’t."
Because regardless of what he did do, I knew that he wasn’t capable of that. He wasn’t capable of being anything like Lucas. Not really.
"Are you telling me that you don’t want this? That you want me to leave you alone?" His gaze searched mine, and I knew that he was as desperate for an answer as I was. But I had no clue what to tell him.
Of course, I wanted him, but he had hurt me. I couldn’t just forgive what he did like it didn’t matter at all.
"I’m out here with you right now, aren’t I?"
"You are." He nodded, and I watched as his Adam’s apple moved beneath the smooth skin of his neck.
"Then that will have to be good enough for now."
He nodded, and I knew that he wanted to say more. He wanted to demand more from me, but he wouldn’t.
"I am sorry, you know. For the way everything happened. For what I did to you."
I let his words wash over me, and I tried to take them at face value. Whether he was sorry or not, he did what he did with clear intentions.
He looked away from me for a moment before bringing his gaze back to me. "When I first met you, I didn’t care whether or not you hated me. I couldn’t see anything past getting revenge."
My body stiffened even though I knew his words were true, but he kept his hold on me and continued to move me around the garden.
"I didn’t realize how fucked up my plan was until far too late."
"Until when?" I was so desperate for his answer. I needed to know exactly when he came to regret his plan. I needed to know if he only regretted it after everything was said and done.
"Until I started falling for you."
I shook my head to block out his words. They were just a bunch of pretty letters slung together that didn’t mean anything.
"You aren’t falling for me." My words were so firm and sure. I wasn’t sure of anything when it came to Beck, but I was certain about that.
I pushed away from him, but he didn’t let me go. He wouldn’t give me a single inch of room.
"You have no clue."
His words pissed me off. He thought that I didn’t have a clue, but I knew far better than he did. I was the one who had to sit back and watch what he had done to me. I was the one who had to deal with all the consequences of being used by him for everyone to see.
I pushed on his chest again and forced his hold to loosen.
I couldn’t just stand here and dance with him and act like some idiot who didn’t see what was staring her right in the face.
"I have no clue?" I laughed, and his hand was still clinging to my side despite how hard I was trying to get away. "You don’t get to say things like that to me after what you did."
His hand finally fell from my side, and I tried to control my anger along with my breathing.
"So, when do I get to say things like that to you, because I’m confused?" I could see the same anger swarming in his eyes. "Because you didn’t mind me touching you or talking to you in the locker room."
I stared at him, and I wished that I had never even come out to the stupid garden. Because I knew that the moment I walked out here I was doing so to see him.
There was no use in lying to myself.
And I knew that it was a mistake.
It was a damn mistake, and I had let him make me look like a fool over and over again.
"Don’t worry. It won’t happen again." I pushed past him, but he snatched my hand in his before I could escape.
"We both know that isn’t true."
"You don’t know shit." I jerked my hand away from him, but he held tight.
"I know that you still want me regardless of what you think you should or shouldn’t do. Regardless of what they tell you to do." He nodded toward the ballroom.
"What they tell me to do is to stop being a fucking idiot." I pointed
to the room. "They all saw what you did to me. They all had a front-row view of you between my legs."
"I’ve told you that I was sorry."
"And what?" My hand was shaking in his, and I felt like every part of me was about to snap. "That’s supposed to mean something? I’m simply supposed to forgive you because you claim to be sorry for something you did on purpose? You meant to do what you did to me. You knew exactly what you were doing, and you don’t get to say you’re sorry with a smile on your face and expect me to give a shit."
He finally let my hand fall from him, and I stumbled back away from him.
He ran his fingers through his hair, and I knew that he didn’t know what to say to me. "What do you want me to say, Josie?"
"Maybe the truth for once. Maybe just admit that you are happy with what happened. That you're ecstatic my father is so pissed off that he has threatened me with the only things I have left."
"He threatened you?" Rage took over his face, and if I wasn’t careful, it was enough to make me feel like he cared. But I blocked that out before it could take over.
"Don’t act like you care, Beck. You don’t get to care."
"So, what? I make one fucking mistake and that’s it."
"You didn’t make a mistake," I yelled at him, and I knew that we were probably drawing attention from those in the event. I prayed that the music was loud enough that none of them could hear us. "You made a choice, and you need to man the fuck up and deal with it."
I didn’t wait for him to say anything else. I couldn’t listen to him and not let his pretty words mess with my head. Because I knew that was what he would do. He would continue to fuck with my head until I could no longer see that he was the villain and I was his prey.
So, I walked away and reminded myself that I wasn’t this girl. I wouldn’t just let him have whatever part of me he wanted whenever he wanted it. I couldn’t. But I couldn’t help the overwhelming feeling of regret that took over me with every step I took away from him.
Chapter Twelve
Beck
Josie pushed through the door back into the ballroom, back into the sea of people who didn’t want us together, and I followed her without thinking.
I didn’t care what her dad thought of me or how her stupid-ass stepbrother felt. But I did care that they had threatened her. I had no idea what she meant by that, by her dad taking away everything she had left.
Was he talking about cutting her off financially?
I couldn’t imagine that Josie really cared about being bankrolled by her father, but I knew that she had nobody else to rely on.
I didn’t even know what her plans were for after she graduated. Did she plan on staying here or running as far from her family as she could get? I was driving myself crazy over the girl, and I barely knew her.
But I somehow felt like I knew everything.
She didn’t look back once as she stormed through the ballroom. She was pissed. Everything had been fine until I told her that I was falling for her. Her reaction was immediate and shocking, and I didn’t know what to think.
I knew that I had a lot more making up to do before I could ever expect her to think differently of me. I had painted the picture of myself perfectly in her mind, and only I could make her see differently.
But I didn’t know if she ever would.
After what I had done, I couldn’t imagine how she could ever see past it, but I thought for a moment that she was. She had been so different from one moment to the next. When I walked out to the garden and she looked at me like she wanted me more than she had ever wanted anything, I had hoped for a different ending.
And I didn’t mean sexually.
I just wanted her to trust me, to want me, to give me a fucking chance.
But I couldn’t get angry with her for not wanting to be around me or trust me. Hell, if I was her, I wouldn’t want to be around me either.
But I couldn’t think like that.
Because I didn’t know what I would do if she refused to talk to me or be around me. I felt desperate to be around her.
I was following her step for step. I had no idea where she was going, and I didn’t care that she probably didn’t want me following her. Her father could be angry if that’s what he wanted, but I couldn’t just let her walk away and leave things the way we just left them.
A hand shot out and landed on my chest, and her words stopped me in my tracks. "You look desperate." Cami blinked up at me, and I hadn’t even realized she was here.
I looked away from her and back to where Josie just was, but she was still moving forward, still trying to escape me. I pulled Cami’s hand from my chest and dropped it to her side.
"Everyone is watching you chase that girl." I looked around us, and she was right. There were people pretending not to stare at me, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care what any of them thought.
"I don’t give a shit."
"You should." She stepped closer to me, and I wanted to push her away. I wanted to push her so damn far away from me and chase after Josie without a single thought of what these people thought of me. "Don’t forget who you are, Beck, and who she is. You made your choice when you did what you did to her."
I stared down at Cami, and I could feel my anger pulsing through me. It didn’t matter that what she said was true. I didn’t want to hear a word of what she had to say to me.
"I didn’t post that video."
I could see the disbelief in her eyes. She believed me as much as Josie did, but I had no reason to lie to Cami. She knew my secrets. She knew that I had nothing to hide from her.
"It doesn’t matter." She shook her head. "You are in that video, exposing her to the world, and everyone knows that you hate Lucas. There is no way for you to get out of it. You are guilty whether you want to be or not."
I knew she was right, but I didn’t want to believe what she said.
"Just leave her alone, Beck. You got what you wanted from her."
"Cami, stay the fuck out of this." I shook off the instant hurt that filled her eyes.
"You don’t get to decide who gets to be in it or not. You gave up that right when you let all these people see how much you hate her and her family."
"I don’t hate her."
"You hate who she is. You hate her father and you fucking loathe Lucas. How do you think that’s going to work out for you, Beck?" She moved further in front of me and blocked my view completely. "Do you think Joseph Vos is just going to welcome you into dating his daughter after everything that has happened?"
"I don’t give a fuck what he thinks."
"Well, you better, because you may not, but that’s her father. No matter what, she will pick her family over you. You’re nothing more than a boy who needs to fuck her out of your system."
"And what, you're just some girl who wants to fuck everything? Regardless if they belong to somebody else?" It was a low blow, and I knew it would hurt her before I even saw the look flash across her face. I shouldn’t have said it.
"Cami, I’m…"
"Beckham." Her dad’s voice boomed between us as he slapped my back and brought his arms over my shoulders. He was smiling down between Cami and me, and I tried my hardest to school my emotions.
"Hello, sir."
"How’s baseball going?"
"It’s good. We have our first game coming up." And my head wasn’t in it at all. If I wasn’t careful, Coach was going to bench my ass, and I would be watching Lucas lead my team from the damn sidelines.
"That’s good to hear." He tightened his hand on my shoulder. Her father always treated me like I was some son he had always wanted. "We’re excited to see you all take the championship this year."
"Yes, sir." Cami hadn’t said a word. She was staring down at my chest, and I knew that she was probably still replaying the words I had said to her over and over in her head. Words that I didn’t mean to say.
"I haven’t seen you out on the dance floor tonight. Why don’t you take my girl out for a danc
e?"
"Of course." I nodded and reached out for Cami’s hand. She hesitatingly placed hers in mine, and when she looked up, her smile hid anything and everything she was really feeling.
The two of us walked silently to the dance floor hand in hand, and I couldn’t help searching the room for Josie as we did. Neither of us said a word as I wrapped my arms around her back and she wrapped hers around my neck. We just began to move like we had so many other times at these events over the years.
"I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that." I looked down at this girl that was tucked against my body, and even though we weren’t what we once were, I still didn’t want to hurt her.
"No. It’s fine. You didn’t say anything I wasn’t already thinking." She looked away from me, and I hated myself for it.
"I just don’t understand why you’re even with that guy."
"And I don’t understand why you’re chasing a girl who you only planned on using. So, I guess we’re even."
"I guess we are." I looked away from her before I could say anything else that I would regret.
I searched the crowded ballroom until my gaze finally met Josie. She was looking at me, but she wasn’t. She was staring at my hands, where they held Cami, and my hands instantly loosened around her.
Cami looked over her shoulder to where I was looking, and I knew that she saw her too. Her body tensed, and I hated that I wanted to push her away from me. But every part of me did. I wanted to reassure Josie that she was the only thing that mattered.
But I knew that wasn’t the truth. No matter what I wanted or whatever Josie did or didn’t want, it wasn’t just about us. This room alone was filled with people who had a say in the way both of us lived our lives.
And Cami was right. I was just some guy to her.
And she should have been nothing but some girl to me, but she wasn’t. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself otherwise. She was more than I ever wanted her to be.
I let my hands fall from Cami, and I took a step to move away from her before she stopped me.
"Don’t forget what her brother did to Frankie. Don’t lose sight of what you started."
