by Lucy Smoke
This time, I didn’t hesitate. I just wanted to get this over with, to know where I stood with them. If any of them still wanted me.
I quickly knocked on the door and then took a step back. I didn’t have to wait long at all, within seconds the door was opened by Christian. I stared straight at him; my fingers nervously opened and closed around my strap. The sparkle was gone from his eyes, instead he looked cool, a little harsh. There was no flash of recognition, it was like I meant nothing to him.
My heart sank at the realization, but I had to press forward. I needed to talk to all of them.
“May I come in?” I asked quietly; my eyes dropped down to his chest. I couldn’t take that look he was giving me, it was literally tearing me to pieces. I could feel tears burning the back of my throat, but I couldn’t cry in front of them. I had to stay strong, I needed them to listen. I didn’t want them to write me off as a hysterical female.
Christian didn’t say anything, simply took a step backwards and opened the door wider, letting me enter. I glanced up and gave him a tiny smile before I walked into their apartment, unzipping my parka as I entered. I didn’t really get to have a chance to look around since he ushered me straight to their kitchen. I could tell that the place was modern and an open plan, the furniture chunky with a definite bachelor pad feel. But that was all I got before I came face to face with all three of them.
Vinnie sat on the kitchen counter by the sink; Justin was propped in the corner, arms crossed over his chest. Christian left me standing in front of the breakfast bar, right in the center of all three of them, since he moved to lean his shoulder up against one of the cupboards. I had to turn slightly to keep them in my line of sight.
We all stood there in awkward silence. Now that I was here, I didn’t know what to say. Sure, I’d been thinking about it, but nothing seemed right now that I was actually here. I looked at each of them and tried to read them, slowly realizing that I may have truly lost all three of them.
Christian had shut himself off from me, I already knew that. It felt like artic winds blew in my direction. He was done. My heart squeezed painfully in my chest.
I turned to Vinnie barely able to meet his eyes. He was furious. The hostility oozing from him was so thick and hot, that I felt myself shrinking under its weight. He was done too. My throat constricted from the pain in my heart; I tried to swallow, but it hurt like hell.
Justin. My silent protector. I turned toward him. He wasn’t even looking at me; he just stared at the floor, not even giving me a moment of his time. My eyes closed as I realized how much damage I had truly caused. Besides what we had, I realized I might have hurt their relationships with each other. And that truly killed me. I couldn’t let my actions ruin their family. They were a unit, a package deal. They wanted to go pro together. I couldn’t let a shitty situation with a girl at college ruin that for all three of them.
“No offence Hayden, but if you are just going to stand there staring at us, you can leave,” Vinnie stated harshly. Hayden… I wasn’t Scoop to him anymore.
I turned back to him. “You’re right. I came here to talk, but I don’t think any of you really want to hear it. I can see where I stand. But I’m going to apologize to you all anyway.” I kept my voice as even as possible even though I could feel my bottom lip threatening to quiver. “I’m sorry I used you all for my article. I never meant for things to play out the way they did.”
I looked at each of them, trying to make eye contact. “I didn’t mean for it to happen like this. I didn’t mean to meet all three of you, to hang out and become friends, and for things to develop between us. I like all of you –”
“So what, you caught some feelings and now you want us to all forgive you. Is that right, Hayden? Because I can tell you, that’s not how it’s going to go down. You targeted me. You might have met the other two by coincidence, but you targeted me.” Vinnie cut in, his voice a sharp knife slicing through me.
Flinching at his words, I took a second to let the pain recede, really struggling with the tears now.
“Yeah I did catch feelings, for all of you. Like I said, I didn’t plan for that to happen, but it did. It snowballed so fast I couldn’t stop it, and I wouldn’t take it back for the world. I won’t apologize for my feelings because they are genuine, but I will apologize for hurting you all.” I reached into my bag and pulled out the manila folder with my new article inside and placed it on the counter.
“I know I published the article, but in case you don’t know, the funds for The Press were cut, so the website was pulled down. I doubt anyone saw it.” I looked up at them to gauge their reactions, but none of them were looking at me. I tried not to let their disinterest hurt me, but it was difficult. I knew this wouldn’t be easy, but this was almost worse than them yelling at me. “In this folder is a rewrite of that article. I plan to publish it in the New Year when the printer is back up and running.”
I placed my hand back inside of my bag, touching the heart with my fingers. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to leave this with them now. I’d hoped my reception would have been less frosty.
“Okay, well that’s all I came to say. I understand that you all might never want to speak to me again, and I’ll accept that. Just please, this is all on me. Not you. Don’t let this come between you guys. You’re family. I’m just some girl from college, a story you will look back on and laugh about in ten years’ time, when you are all thinking about retiring from the NHL.” A sad smile touched my lips. That was it, that was all I had left. I had to leave, right now. The tears were there, and there was absolutely nothing I was going to be able to do to stop them.
Get out now. Go.
I pulled my bag towards me and turned to leave; the strap caught on the bar stool. Justin stood up and started to come help me, but I quickly unhooked it and practically ran out of that apartment.
It was done. It was over.
Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I pressed the button for the elevator, half of me hoping they came after me, the other half dreading it.
The doors dinged as they opened. As I stepped in, I hit the button for the ground floor and turned to look down the hallway at their door. The elevator doors slid shut. Their door remained closed.
We were over.
43
Vinnie
Monday 25th December – Christmas
Merry fucking Christmas.
Yesterday had seriously sucked. When we had all gotten her message asking to talk; my heart leapt out of my chest because she’d finally replied. But then my fucking pride had gotten involved and ruined it, reminding me that she’d played me. What a fucking joke, the player getting played.
We had all been on edge, waiting for her. All of us prowling around the apartment like caged beasts.
The knock had finally come, and by mutual agreement, we’d let Christian answer the door, while Justin and I had waited in the kitchen. When she’d walked in, my chest had locked up. She’d looked fucking amazing. Which pissed me off so badly. How could she stand there, looking so good, while I was over here feeling like shit?
I’d sat there watching her, as she looked at all of us. She’d barely glanced at me before she looked away, which had hurt. It’d hurt so fucking much. She couldn’t even look at me? I’d lost it and lashed out at her. And now that I thought back on it, I was ashamed of myself. She’d recoiled away from us, as if I had physically hurt her, the fight draining out of her. Which had hurt me even more. Her confidence, her spark, her presence, it was all gone. I had done that to her because of my pride, because I was the one that had gotten played this time around.
Fuck, I was such as asshole.
She’d left behind her new article, which Christian had read. Apparently, it was really good, not that her other article hadn’t been good either. I’d read it; it had been sharp and cutting, and the message had been clear. I’d just hated that the words had been for me, for us. That she had wanted to hurt us so much.
But she hadn’t, not r
eally. She had wanted to protect her friend and other women like her. She’d had the best of intentions, things had just gotten fucked up. I mean, what were the chances that she would have met two other hockey players, with the added detail of them all being roommates? If that hadn’t of happened, she would only have meet me; yeah, she would have written her article, but she wouldn’t have ended up on the Puck board, and I would have liked to think that I would have declared Whip by that point, and she would have told me about it.
I dropped my head back down on my pillow. I couldn’t handle this shit anymore. I had to get up.
Grabbing some sweat pants and an ugly Christmas jumper, I headed out to the kitchen. The smell of bacon, eggs, sausages, and those weird little mushrooms Justin liked so much, had me walking a little quicker to the kitchen.
Justin was cooking, mounds of hot bacon already out on some paper towel, eggs poaching in a pot and the coffee machine we barely ever used was on and letting out the most delicious aroma. Christian was fiddling with something at the breakfast bar, where he sat on a stool.
“Merry Christmas,” I said as I sat down next to him.
“Morning, Merry Christmas,” he returned, continuing to stare down at the thing in his hand.
“Morning Justin, Merry Christmas. Are we having a cheat day?” I asked him, trying to infuse some cheer into my voice. I don’t think it worked.
“Merry Christmas,” he threw over his shoulder as he started taking the pans off the stove. “Yeah, figured it was Christmas and that we could all use some comfort food.”
“Thanks dude.” I turned back to Christian. “What you got there? Present from your parents?”
“Ah, no. I think it fell out of Hayden’s bag,” he replied, keeping it hidden from view. “I found it on the floor.”
Both Justin and I looked at him intently. She’d left something behind?
“Come on man, what is it? You’re killing us here,” I joked, but on the inside, I was serious.
Christian sighed. “I gave it to her at the Winter Wonderland, grabbed it from one of the stalls on the way in. It’s so corny, I just wanted to, I don’t know, show her how I felt without actually having to say the words.” Christian opened his hands and, I shit you not, right there was the fucking red wicker heart I gave her.
I glanced up at both of them to see that Justin was just as shocked as I was.
“Dude, I gave her the same thing,” I whispered, shock stealing my voice from me.
“Me too,” Justin grunted as he looked away from both of us, the food forgotten on the bench behind him.
Christian’s head popped up. “Seriously? We all bought her the same Christmas ornament?”
“I guess so,” Justin said as he leaned over to pluck the heart out of Christian’s hands. “There’s a piece of card inside, did you see that?”
“Yeah, I just figured it was rubbish from in her bag,” Christian replied as he ran a hand through his hair.
Justin stared at the heart, “I don’t think so, it’s aqua. I bought her some index cards like mine, and that looks like one of hers.”
That statement had both Christian and I up and around the breakfast bar crowding around Justin within seconds.
“Can you get it out?” Christian demanded as Justin tried to shake the heart to dislodge the paper.
“No, it’s too big for the holes. She must have poked it in there. Here you try, my fingers are too big.”
Justin shoved it at me; I quickly grabbed the heart and turned it over in my hands trying to find a hole that was big enough for my fingers. I could wedge my pinkie into one of the larger holes and touch the paper but that was about it.
“Shit, no. Damn holes are too small. Can we cut one of the –“
“No!” they both shouted at me.
My eyes widened at their outburst; my hands automatically went up in the air in the international sign of surrender. “Okay, okay, I won’t cut it. I just wanted to get the note out. Any other ideas?”
We all stood there, looking around the kitchen, trying to find inspiration on how to get the damn tiny piece of card out of the ridiculously, fragile, little heart without damaging it.
“Come on! There has to be something in this fucking apartment to get that note out of there,” Christian demanded; his eyes a little wild.
I knew how he felt. That little note was an insight into Hayden. She hadn’t meant to leave that behind. She’d clearly thought she would leave it behind, but our poor behavior had made her change her mind.
We needed to read that note, to see if there was still a chance.
“The first aid kit, it has tweezers.” Justin suddenly spoke up.
Before we even realized what was happening, we had all turned the apartment upside down looking for the first aid kit. Every cupboard in the kitchen and the bathroom was opened searching for the damn little white box; the heart left sitting safely on a cloth on the kitchen counter.
“Found it!” Christian called out, victory ringing his voice.
My head was buried in the back of my wardrobe seeing if it had been moved into here for some weird and unknown reason.
“Where was it?” I called back as I got up and raced back out to the kitchen. Justin and Christian were already there, snapping open the box, and dumping its contents onto the bench.
A sharp pair of curved scissors came tumbling out and slipped off the bench onto the ground, almost puncturing Justin’s foot.
“Shit, sorry Jus,” Christian muttered as he sorted through the crap on the bench. Once he found the tweezers, it was just a simple matter of working them into a hole and slowly, oh so slowly, pulling the note out.
Once it was out, he dropped the tweezers and opened the note. Right there, in Hayden’s curly handwriting, was all the hope that we needed.
You all gave your hearts to me, so I give my heart to you.
Hayden.
I looked up at both of them; my pulse pounded in my ears. She still wanted us. All of us. “We have to go talk to her.”
“How? I really doubt after yesterday she will want to speak to any of us,” Christian replied, his voice rough with emotion.
“I know where her dorm room is,” Justin said quietly, as he reread over the letter.
“What do you mean you know where her room is? How many dates did you get with her?” I demanded from him.
Justin looked back at me slightly confused. “I had two dates, that café I like off campus and the Winter Wonderland. Why how many did you get?”
I smile a little smugly. “Three. The Sports Bar, a coffee date, and the Winter Wonderland.”
Christian made a pissed off noise, causing Justin and me to look at him. “Two, a lunch and the Winter Wonderland.”
I went to make a smartass comment about having a favorite, but Justin pointed a finger in my face and growled out a “Don’t ,” so I didn’t. But it didn’t mean I didn’t think it.
“So, how do you know where her dorm room is?” Christian asked him as he turned the heart over in his hands.
“I bumped into her just before the Winter Wonderland and she was struggling to carry a box, I helped her to take it up to her room. She was actually kind of cute that day.” He smiled, clearly enjoying his memory.
“She’s always cute,” I muttered back, wishing I knew where her dorm was.
“That she is,” Christian agreed. “So, are we really doing this? Going to go talk to her together? All three of us?”
“Yeah, I’m in. I want Hayden, and you guys want her too. She makes us all happy,” Justin replied as he turned back to the forgotten, and now cold, food. As he put it out on plates, Christian turned to face me.
“And you Vinnie? What about you? I know what you said yesterday, but come on man, she was trying to help her –”
“I’m in.” I cut him off. I didn’t need him to convince me I’d been a bit of an ass yesterday. She’d come to apologize, and I hadn’t let her. I just hoped she was a bigger person than me and let us apologize toda
y.
“Okay, well, it’s settled then. Let’s eat this, everyone get ready, and then we’ll head over after that,” Christian stated.
“Sounds good. No one text her, the element of surprise might be a good thing right now. She could run if she knows we’re coming for her,” I replied, already feeling the excitement building at the knowledge that we were about to go get our girl.
Everyone pretty much stuffed the food in as fast as we could. By the time we were all showered, dressed, and ready to go it was quarter to eleven. Justin had Hayden’s heart and the note held in his massive hands, making the things look tiny.
We all piled into Christian’s SUV as Justin told him to head over to the northern dorm rooms. We parked the car in the student lot and strode through the borderline deserted campus. Justin took the lead and walked along the paths until we reached a typical three-story dorm building.
In we went. Three flights later, we stood in front of her door.
I looked at Christian, who looked at Justin. He looked at both of us before nodding his head. Christian stepped forward and knocked on the door once.
We could hear Christmas music playing from the other side of the door. And then we heard Hayden’s voice. She was talking to someone. We all glanced at each other – was someone in there with her?
The lock on the door clicked open, the handle turned, and the door started to slowly swing open. Hayden’s conversation became clearer.
“I told you, I watched Christmas movies last night, and now I’m watching the parades Steph, I…” Hayden’s eyes went wide as she saw us.
All of us were definitely staring at her. She was a hot mess. Hair up in a twisted knot, a massive Boston Eagles hoody on, drowning her body, sweat pants and fluffy Christmas socks. Her phone was wedged between her ear and her shoulder since her free hand was holding a box of cold Chinese.
