XVI
A few days later I found myself in sight of Forli. As I rode along Imeditated; and presently the thought came to me that after all there wasperhaps a certain equality in the portioning out of good and evil inthis world. When fate gave one happiness she followed it withunhappiness, but the two lasted about an equal time, so that the balancewas not unevenly preserved.... In my love for Giulia I had gone througha few days of intense happiness; the first kiss had caused me suchecstasy that I was rapt up to heaven; I felt myself a god. And this wasfollowed by a sort of passive happiness, when I lived but to enjoy mylove and cared for nothing in the world besides. Then came thecatastrophe, and I passed through the most awful misery that man hadever felt: even now as I thought of it the sweat gathered on myforehead. But I noticed that strangely as this wretchedness was equalwith the first happiness, so was it equal in length. And this wasfollowed by a passive unhappiness when I no longer felt all thebitterness of my woe, but only a certain dull misery, which was likepeace. And half smiling, half sighing, I thought that the passive miseryagain was equal to the passive happiness. Finally came the blessed stateof indifference, and, except for the remembrance, my heart was as ifnothing had been at all. So it seemed to me that one ought not tocomplain; for if the world had no right to give one continual misery,one had no cause to expect unmingled happiness, and the conjunction ofthe two, in all things equal, seemed normal and reasonable. And I hadnot noticed that I was come to Forli.
I entered the gate with a pleasant sense of homecoming. I passed alongthe grey streets I was beginning to know so well, and felt for themsomething of the affection of old friends. I was glad, too, that Ishould shortly see Checco and my dear Matteo. I felt I had been unkindto Matteo: he was so fond of me and had always been so good, but I hadbeen so wrapped up in my love that his very presence had beenimportunate, and I had responded coldly to his friendliness. And beingthen in a sentimental mood, I thought how much better and moretrustworthy a friend is to the most lovely woman in the world. You couldneglect him and be unfaithful to him, and yet if you were in trouble youcould come back and he would take you to his arms and comfort you, andnever once complain that you had strayed away. I longed to be withMatteo, clasping his hand. In my hurry I put the spurs to my horse, andclattered along the street. In a few minutes I had reached the Palazzo,leapt off my horse, sprung up the stairs, and flung myself into the armsof my friend.
After the first greetings, Matteo dragged me along to Checco.
'The good cousin is most eager to hear your news. We must not keep himwaiting.'
Checco seemed as pleased to see me as Matteo. He warmly pressed my hand,and said,--
'I am glad to have you back, Filippo. In your absence we have beenlamenting like forsaken shepherdesses. Now, what is your news?'
I was fully impressed with my importance at the moment, and the anxietywith which I was being listened to. I resolved not to betray myself toosoon, and began telling them about the kindness of Lorenzo, and the playwhich he had invited me to see. I described the brilliancy of theassembly, and the excellence of the acting. They listened with interest,but I could see it was not what they wanted to hear.
'But I see you want to hear about more important matters,' I said.'Well--'
'Ah!' they cried, drawing their chairs closer to me, settling themselvesto listen attentively.
With a slight smile I proceeded to give them the details of thecommercial transaction which had been the ostensible purpose of myvisit, and I laughed to myself as I saw their disgust. Checco could notrestrain his impatience, but did not like to interrupt me. Matteo,however, saw that I was mocking, and broke in.
'Confound you, Filippo! Why do you torment us when you know we are onpins and needles?'
Checco looked up and saw me laughing, and implored,--
'Put us out of torture, for Heaven's sake!'
'Very well!' I answered. 'Lorenzo asked me about the state of Forli, andI told him. Then, after thinking awhile, he said, "Tell this toChecco--"'
And I repeated word for word what Lorenzo had said to me, and, as far asI could, I reproduced his accent and gesture.
When I had finished they both sat still and silent. At last Matteo,glancing to his cousin, said,--
'It seems sufficiently clear.'
'It is, indeed, very clear,' answered Checco, gravely.
The Making of a Saint Page 17
