by Helen Lacey
Tears returned to her eyes and she blinked quickly. She needed a rock. She needed safe harbor.
She needed David.
And he, she suspected, needed her. Making love with him had cemented in her heart what she knew—that he was as vulnerable as she, and as alone. The intimacy they’d shared was more real than any she’d shared before—the words he whispered against her skin were from a place deep down, where secrets and fears lay.
I’m so tired of loss...
There had been real pain in those words and she understood. But she wasn’t going to force his hand. If he wanted her, he needed to come for her with his heart exposed, and not hiding behind words about marrying her because it was good for the kids. It would be, she was sure. But it wasn’t enough. No, she wanted it all.
All or nothing.
Chapter Twelve
In all his life, David had never felt more emotionally out of control. Even when Jayne and his mother had died, he’d been able to focus, to put all his energy into raising the kids, to his job, and to helping Ivan and Leah work through their grief.
But this was different.
This was pain on a whole new level.
Seeing her at JoJo’s with the fireman had broken him up inside. She was on a date. Enjoying herself. Talking, laughing. Sharing her life with another man.
He called Annie Friday morning, longing to hear her voice, to talk, but it went to her voice mail. He texted and she didn’t respond. It galvanized him into action and on Friday afternoon he went back to the O’Sullivan hotel, only to discover she’d checked out. Gone. Run off with her fireman.
Man, I’m an idiot.
Pain set in, lodging in his chest like a knife. And jealousy – the unrelenting kind that made his gut churn and his heart ache behind his ribs.
He hurt all over. He should have fought harder, and now he’d lost her because he was unable to admit what he was feeling.
He drove home and was faced with the news from the new nanny that she was resigning. She liked the job and the kids were lovely, but she missed looking after her own grandchildren full-time too much and was moving in with her daughter’s family.
Right. He had no clue what to do. Close down the practice for a couple of weeks until he found a new nanny? Since Mittie was leaving for her Alaskan trip soon, Leah was looking after their dad, and Tess had a young baby, he was all out of child-sitting options.
“Did you at least insist on a couple of weeks’ notice?” Leah asked early on Saturday morning. She’d dropped by the ranch to go through the contractors quote she had done for getting a ramp installed at Ivan’s so he could easily maneuver his wheelchair into the house. The kids were still in bed and he was on to his second cup of coffee.
David shrugged. “She said she’d stay a week. But honestly, I don’t want someone here who wants to be somewhere else. The kids would pick up on it and they’re feeling fragile enough at the moment, I don’t want an unwilling nanny added to the mix,” he said wearily.
He’d had a crappy night’s sleep, spending most of the night staring at the ceiling and imagining he could still pick up the traces of Annie’s perfume in the bed sheets. Which was ridiculous, since the linen had been changed many times since then. But he’d be damned if he didn’t feel as though he inhaled the scent every time he sucked in a breath.
“I’ll help out of course, at least when I can. What are you going to do?”
“Get a new nanny.”
“And...what else?”
He shrugged again. “I have no idea.”
“Daddy?”
David turned in his seat and spotted his son in the doorway. “Yes, buddy?”
“Scarlett and I don’t want a new nanny,” he said matter-of-factly. “We just want Annie.”
He exhaled heavily. “I know you do, but Annie isn’t—”
“Annie loves us,” Jasper said simply. “And we love her. Why don’t we tell her that, so she’ll come home?”
David stared at his son and an odd sensation formed in the center of his chest. He wasn’t sure how he could tell his son the truth—that Annie had left town. Of course, he didn’t have any real proof. But since she wasn’t at the hotel it was fair to assume she’d simply gone off-grid with her fireman for a while—an image he really didn’t want to think about.
He considered asking Leah to track her down, then changed his mind because the notion was too humiliating. And he didn’t want any more of his sister’s advice. Then he thought about calling Tess, and instead decided to take the kids to the Triple C for a visit and as a way of exorcising the demons raging through his system. He’d get straight talking from Mitch, which was what he needed. He had to forget about any fantasy he had regarding Annie—she’d made her choice when she sent him away.
It was midmorning when he pulled up at the Culhane ranch. The kids sped up the pathway, headed straight for the house and David quickly followed. Mitch greeted him on the front porch with a handshake and they walked inside.
“You look like crap,” Mitch said bluntly. “Not sleeping?”
“Not much.”
Mitch shook his head. “You screwed up, huh?”
David ignored the dig. “How’s my godson?” he asked as they walked down the hall and made their way to the kitchen.
“Perfect in every way,” Mitch said of his son. “I never imagined I’d enjoy fatherhood so much.”
David nodded. “Brings life into perspective.”
“It certainly does. As does being married to the woman I love. I feel like the luckiest man on the planet.”
“That must be a nice feeling.”
“It is,” Mitch replied. “I’m very grateful that Tess forgave me for being an idiot and took me back.”
“I miss being married,” David admitted. “As much as I enjoy your company, I miss having a woman to talk to, one who isn’t my sister or grandmother or cousin. After Jayne died, I never imagined I’d feel something for someone else...but I did... I do,” he said and shrugged. “Too late to wonder what might have happened.”
“Too late?” Mitch inquired and grabbed a couple of sodas from the refrigerator as the kids sat up at the countertop. “Why is that?”
“Annie’s gone,” he said quietly so the kids couldn’t hear. “She took off with her fireman.”
Mitch’s brows shot up. “She did?”
He nodded. “She checked out of the hotel yesterday and won’t return my calls.”
“Did you give her a reason not to?”
He sighed. “Admittedly, I’ve behaved stupidly about some things. But I can’t believe she ran off with some guy she just met. It’s so unlike her.”
“You think you know Annie pretty well, don’t you?”
David frowned. “Well...yeah.”
Mitch laughed and shook his head. “Be back in a minute,” he said and left the room.
David got to his feet and moved to the counter, listening to Jasper talk about his plans for the day when he heard movement from the door. He spun and then reeled back in surprise. Annie stood in the door, in jeans, T-shirt and cowboy boots.
He said her name and frowned. “What are you doing?”
She pointed to her cowboy boots. “Going riding on Star.”
“I mean what are you doing here?” he demanded.
“I live here,” she said and held out a hand for each of the kids as they jumped off their stools and raced toward her. “Well, for the moment.”
“Annie, Annie!” Jasper chanted happily and then proceeded to tell her about his week at school, while Scarlett begged to be picked up and cuddled before talking about the new dress her aunt had bought her. “Our new nanny isn’t going to look after us anymore,” Jasper announced.
David shrugged when Annie shot him a curious look. “She quit. Happening to me a lot lately.”
A smile t
ouched the corners of her lips. “I can’t imagine why.”
“We miss you,” Jasper said and looked at David. “Don’t we, Dad?”
David didn’t respond, still reeling from the fact she was at the ranch and not on the run with her fireman boyfriend. “You live here?” he echoed blankly.
She nodded. “I’m staying for a while.”
“I thought you’d...”
His words trailed off and she made an irritated face. “You thought I’d what?”
“Gone to Texas,” he admitted. “Left town.”
Tess and Mitch suddenly appeared in the door. “Ah—how about you guys take this conversation into the living room and Mitch and I will watch the kids, okay?” Tess suggested and quickly gathered the children together. “Go on, off you go.”
Annie was gone in a second and he followed without thinking. When they reached the living room she stopped by the fireplace and swiveled, facing him with her hands on her hips.
“You thought I’d left town with Byron?” she asked
Discomfiture crept up his neck. “He did have his arms around you the last time we were together.”
“He was saying hello,” she defended. “That’s all.”
“You said you liked him,” he reminded her. “And you told me to leave so you could be alone with him, remember?”
“I was mad at you for your dumb marriage proposal,” she said and huffed. “I’m still mad at you,” she said and flapped her hands. “But that doesn’t mean I would run off with a man I only just met in person for the first time.”
“I didn’t know what to think,” he offered.
She made an impatient sound. “Oh, I’m pretty sure you did...and still do. What would you like to know, David? The gritty details? Like, did I kiss him? Did I let him touch me? Did I let him put his hand up my dress in the parking lot? Did I touch him back? Did I sleep with him?”
David’s gut plummeted. “Annie, I didn’t think—”
“Rest assured,” she shot back. “I make it my business not to have sex with two different men in the same week.”
Shame pressed down on his shoulders. Because that’s what he’d been imagining. And it had been killing him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to suggest you were—”
“What?” she demanded. “Easy? I’m not. Believe me, jumping into your bed was an aberration on my part.”
He didn’t like how that sounded. Like she regretted being with him. “I would never disrespect you like that, Annie.” David said and inhaled heavily. “So, where is he now? Is he here, too?”
“He’s gone,” she said hotly.
“Gone where?”
“Home,” she replied. “Texas. He left yesterday.”
The acid in his gut dispersed a little. “What does that mean?”
“It means he’s gone.”
“You got rid of him?”
“He left. Byron and I are not a thing.”
David met her gaze as relief filled his chest. And love. “I’m glad to hear it.”
“I don’t know why,” she said and crossed her arms. “It has nothing to do with you.”
He stepped close. “I reckon it has everything to do with me.”
“Wow. That’s pretty conceited, David,” she said softly, her voice wavering.
“At times I guess I can be,” he said and stood in front of her, folding his own arms the way she was. “But I do love you, Annie.”
He wasn’t sure what he expected by his declaration. Perhaps some indication that she felt the same. At least, that’s what he was hoping for. With some luck, she’d see they were meant for one another and finally agree to marry him.
“No, you don’t,” she refuted, her voice thick with emotion. “You’re only saying that to get what you want.”
“And what do you think that is?”
“I’m not prepared to keep going over this same old issue, David. Not until you make an effort to understand what I’m saying.”
He shrugged, feeling a little helpless, and then a little irritated. “I just said that I loved you.”
“I love my favorite pink sneakers,” she said quickly. “That doesn’t mean I’d marry them.”
She left the room, headed down the hall and David heard the front door open, then close loudly. He remained where he was and exhaled, deciding which direction to go when his cousin appeared in the doorway.
“You really don’t know much about women, do you?” Mitch said and laughed.
David scowled. “Maybe not. But I don’t need lectures.” He sighed. “Although, maybe I could use a little advice. Got any?”
“If you’re in love with her, tell her.”
“I just tried,” he said and shrugged. “She didn’t believe me.”
“Try again,” Mitch said and laughed. “Unless you don’t think she’s worth it.”
“Of course I do,” he said and ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “I’m in love with Annie, okay. I love her so much it’s making me crazy. But she’s not listening. She hasn’t listened to me for weeks. In fact, I don’t think she’s heard a word I’ve said since she gave me her resignation.”
“Perhaps they’re not the words she needs to hear.”
David glanced to the left of his cousin and spotted Tess regarding him with both brows up.
“Marry me isn’t enough?” he remarked cynically.
“It’s the how, not the what,” Tess replied. “You might start by asking her why she gave you that resignation in the first place.”
“I did ask her and she told me why,” he said impatiently and then smiled when the kids popped around the corner and came into the room. “She wants to get married and have children. And maybe not with that muscle-bound fireman, but someone else will come along and win her over.”
“If you believe that, then you aren’t the smart guy I always pegged you for,” Tess said. “It was never about Byron. Or anyone else. It was always about you.”
He stared at Tess as if she’d grown a second head. “What... I don’t understand...what does that mean?”
“It means, think, David...think long and hard about why Annie would leave two kids she adores like they’re her own.”
He stared at Tess, rocking back on his heels. “Whatever you think is going on here, I’m pretty sure that Annie doesn’t...you know...she doesn’t love me like that.”
“Yes, she does, Dad.”
They all looked toward Jasper, who had spoken the words. His son was standing in the center of the living room, watching them in turn.
“Buddy, I don’t—”
“Annie told me,” he announced. “And Annie doesn’t lie.”
David swallowed hard, looked at his kids and then his cousin and his wife. Jasper was right. Annie didn’t lie. Annie always told the truth. Since she’d entered his life she’d been the voice of reason. His conscience. The one opinion he valued above all others.
You might start by asking her why she gave you that resignation in the first place...
And right then he realized he’d asked that question countless times...but never really listened to her response. He’d never read between the lines. He had, he realized now, been insensitive and thoughtless from the moment she’d handed him her resignation. Particularly when he offered her marriage. Not even his love. Just a marriage. A union to keep his family together.
What he didn’t tell her was that he was terrified of living his life without her in it. Or that not seeing her every day was torture. Or how making love with her was the most physically and emotionally intimate experience of his life and that since then, his nights had been lonely and empty.
David looked at Tess, his chest so tight he could barely breathe, and suddenly, he knew. “My God... I can’t believe it... I’ve been so blind.”
Tess smiled and then clapped softly. �
��Bravo. You are the smart guy I always pegged you for. Now,” she said and stood aside. “Go out there and unbreak my sister’s heart.”
David inhaled and smiled. “I will, but first, can you call your parents in Wyoming?”
Tess looked at him oddly. “What for?”
“Because I want to ask Ian Jamison for permission to marry his daughter.”
* * *
Annie grabbed a stiff brush and began grooming Star with long methodical strokes. Grooming her horse always relaxed her and she needed relaxing—big time. If only her brain would comply and stop thinking about David and his thoughtless, hurtful, meaningless, impossibly inappropriate declaration of love. It was a low act. And if she had any sense, she would forget all about it.
He didn’t love her. He couldn’t possibly.
Once she was done grooming, she went to grab the hay net, deciding she wasn’t in the mood to go riding. The net was empty, as was the drum that usually contained a hay bale. She looked up to the hay loft and sighed, thinking she probably could get one of the ranch hands to throw down a bale. Instead, she left Star tied up in his stall and climbed the wide ladder to the loft. The scent of sweet hay shot up her nose and she sneezed a couple of times, then grabbed one of the bales by the twine and tossed it down.
“Do you need some help?”
She looked down and spotted David near Star’s stall. Standing by the door, in jeans, white shirt and cowboy boots, his glasses making him look ridiculously sexy, and carrying a bunch of flowers she realized was lavender he must have just picked on his way to the barn, her heart fluttered foolishly.
“No thanks,” she said and moved to put her heel on the ladder.
“Stay up there, will you?”
She glared down. “What?”
“Stay up there for a moment,” he said again and stood in the center of the barn. “I’d like to talk to you.”
Annie propped her hands on her hips. “With me up here and you down there?”
“It’s your balcony,” he said simply.
“My what?”
“You said you wanted romantic gestures from below a balcony. And flowers,” he added, and held out the lavender, roots dropping dirt onto his hair. “Remember?”
