by S. K Munt
‘You can’t cry love now!’ I croaked out, and kicked out- getting her hard in the stomach. She huffed out a lost breath and I rolled over, going sideways instead of letting her get me into the field where we would both be slashed to ribbons. ‘And I won’t believe you! I have been schooled, your majesty, and I know that every word out of a fallen Nephilim’s mouth-’
‘I’m not fallen,’ she growled at me, cradling her stomach and glowering at me, and her pale yellow wrap pants looked wet and heavy and were clinging to her slender legs. ‘I love God, but once, I thought I loved a man more! And since I learned that he did not love me in return, and never would, I have tried to devote myself to our offspring…’ she bowed her head to the ground and it hit me hard- Kohén and Kohl and Karol were so powerful because they had Nephilim blood on BOTH sides! ‘But… but no matter what I do… I can’t stop them from turning out just like him. Only Kohl is unspoiled but… he hates me anyway and...’ she groaned and curled her fingers in the dirt and rocks and I watched her, enraptured. ‘I’ve failed them all…’
‘You’re a light Nephilim?’ I asked, bewildered. She was NOTHING like the sweet pink-haired healer, or the redheaded boy, Chronly, and certainly nowhere near as exuberant as her spouse and children! ‘Does your family know? The king?’
‘No,’ she wheezed. ‘And even I do not know who I am anymore…and I don’t know how to atone or change things. My parents raised me to do what was right- to infiltrate the kingdom of Arcadia and make sure that God’s influence continued to shine on us all from within Eden’s walls… but I fell in love with him. I wasn’t supposed to- I was supposed to live for love of God, not for my own purpose. But he stole my heart only to break it countless times and now I cannot be repaired or do anyone any good!’
‘You feel sorry for yourself?’ I demanded. ‘You came here to collar him for Tariel’s interests, and now bitch that you cannot speak or breathe freely through the collar that he got on you first? What hypocrisy! Try being one of the Given kids out in the Tariel gold mines who are covered in boil scars because they can only afford medicine to treat their afflictions, because their ambassador has been starving them of nutrients by wiping out fields of the vegetables that they sorely need!’
‘Shut up!’ she staggered to her feet and toward me. ‘I have motivated the king to keep feeding his people as his priority! Do you know what happens to men when they are given an easy rule? They spend less time thinking about their nation, and more time in the harem- I’ve seen it happen with Elijah’s father! Besides, I have taken care to attack only the crops in the most prosperous regions, like Arcadia!’
‘Pacifica is the least prosperous!’ I pointed out.
‘Actually, it just became one of the wealthiest,’ she snarked back. ‘Didn’t Kohén take you to show you proof of that this afternoon? What did he promise you from within that pretty case?’ she stepped closer to me. ‘And what did you give him to motivate him to keep such a promise?’
I considered myself too much of a tomboy to slap anybody, so I drew back my arm and punched her-hard-in the eye. She screeched and teetered back, but I caught her before she could fall and shook her: ‘I am NOT a whore! And if I ever become one, it will be YOUR fault!’ Clearly thinking that I was going to attack her again, she ducked her head in and bit my shoulder, and it was my turn to squeal because she hadn’t exactly bitten me gently.
The duchess shoved me away and cried: ‘You should thank me if you do! At least you will get paid to be used for sex and ignored after! I did it for free! I was supposed to be better than this, and I was supposed to heal the world. Now, I just wish I was half as smart as I am, so I wouldn’t be aware of how low I have sunk!’
‘Try being intelligent AND slated to become a sex-worker, witch!’ I hissed. ‘I’d sooner be covered in boil scars then semen, and you know it!’
‘Yes I know it, and yet you encouraged his affections!’
‘I wanted only his friendship!’
‘But you got more of his love than I did, and more of his love than I got from his father! Do you know how much it hurts to sacrifice every facet of your character to please a man only to fail and see another woman win his devotion?’
‘No,’ I said coldly. ‘As much as I love jewels, I am not so weak as to accept a solitaire instead of a golden band from a man who claims to love me!’
She flinched. ‘I was strong too Larkin, but they hold sway over your heart. Every touch is divine- every smile beautiful, and every ‘next’ year will be the one when they will marry you. From when they’re new-borns to when they’re throwing sixteen year-old tantrums or embarrassing you, or sneaking off in the dead of night to lie with another...you cannot help but love them and it poisons you on the inside until you become the unloveable one.’ She held out her hands and I began to tremble in fear that she was speaking MY truth, for I did love Kohén so and always ALWAYS ended up forgiving him only to be slapped again and left emotionally bankrupt. What if I did it this time as well? Or what if Kohl manipulated me in a similar fashion once he was free to be an entitled prick too? He had escaped being spoiled thus far, but that wouldn’t be for always. ‘I was out here to do Kohl a good turn and look at me- ripped up by one son’s fondest desire, and saturated because my other son cannot contain his sorrow over the same whore!’
‘You know that Kohl has feelings for me?’
She spluttered out a laugh. ‘Of course I know- they’re identically idiotic, and fall for your eyelash batting without attempting to break that fall while wearing that same, stupid, wide-eyed look on their faces!’ She pointed at me. ‘And you encourage Kohl too, and don’t think I don’t see it!’
I glared at her. ‘So why haven’t you told Kohén to get me into trouble?’
‘And betray Kohl for him again? Watch the king whip our forgotten son stupid, for daring to dream? Not even to humiliate you. You’re a conniving bitch, but at least your presence sparks some life into the kid. If you’d known him two years ago… you wouldn’t have recognised him!’ She sneered at me. ‘Still, he can aim a hell of a lot higher, and if I get my way, you won’t see either of them again after your twenty-first, so that he does!’
I slanted my eyes at her. ‘I think at least one of them will see that you don’t get your way.’
‘Well, if you have a lick of sense, you’ll get yourself out of my way and spare me the trouble!’ Her eyes glittered. ‘You don’t want this life, Larkin. You don’t want Kohén’s love! I did everything I could to please Elijah, but he still does not love me. His first son was perfect! The next damaged because of his abuse and the last perfect again despite it, but shielding only two from his temper made me a failure in his eyes!’ her shoulders dropped. ‘That’s why he does not love me, you know. Before the twins were born, he kept Resonah and Rosina around only to offer them comfort. But after…’ she sniffled. ‘Elijah has never forgiven me for that- for making him so angry by denying him that I forced him to attack me, and then for birthing him solid proof that his reflection was less than flawless away from the looking glass!’ She fell down and sobbed. ‘But in the beginning, I thought we’d be so happy! And I thought I’d give him daughters- that was my purpose for the women in my family have only EVER had daughters, but it’s as though his genetics are-’
‘What do you mean by saying that only your first and last sons were perfect?’ I demanded.
Constance rubbed slobber from under her nose. ‘You know what I mean! Kohl looks incredible now, but being born as he was- with the cord around his neck and the lazy eye the-’
‘What so you mean BEFORE you had another perfect baby?’ I screeched, and she realised her error just as I understood the depth of her true deception. She clapped two hands to her open mouth and regarded me with shock. ‘Oh my god!’ My skin broke out in gooseflesh and I got to my feet, pointing at her and spitting the accusation: ‘Kohl was the first twin born, wasn’t he? WASN’T he?’ Constance’s hands moved to her snarled black hair and she pulled on them in a sign of ap
proaching hysteria, and I pressed my hand to my stomach, certain that I was going to be sick. ‘You picked him! You had to send one away, so you…you picked the lesser of two innocent infants?’ I couldn’t speak. ‘Monster!’ I screamed. ‘You are WORSE than my mother!’
The duchess fell forward and grabbed my calves. ‘Forgive me!’ she cried, and I’m certain that my eyes would have bugged out of my head in shock. ‘I had no choice! I had to give one up and-’
‘And you gave up the flawed one even though he was first-born?’
‘Elijah made me! He couldn’t take the guilt!’
I sobbed and kicked her hard and as she crumpled, I remembered the morale of the story from the second of the six creation books.
And so God cast Satan into Hell…
‘And what if he’d been okay?’ I asked, tears streaming down my face for my sweet, perfect Kohl as the duchess clutched her hateful womb and gasped for breath. ‘What if he’d been Kohén’s equal, as he has grown to be? Would you have found a way to keep them both? Would your husband have found a loophole?’
She looked down at her red and angry stomach. ‘He’s not my husband...’
It was like being slapped by one of Kohén’s charged hands: they would have. Elijah wasn’t a fair king- he was a manipulative one and Kohl had lost more than he ever realised, but had forgiven more than he could be expected to, to begin with! ‘You are…’ furious beyond measure, I reached down, took her by the hair and savagely yanked her to her feet, getting my other hand around her neck. ‘You are going to atone! You are GOING to make this right, and not for your benefit, or Calliel’s good or even God’s- but Kohl’s!’
‘I can’t tell him…!’ he voice squeaked for my chokehold on her. The rain was making her graceful neck slipperier than an eel, but I dug my nails in and refused to let go.
‘I agree!’ I snapped, furious. ‘If he learns the truth he will be so fucking ruined that…they BOTH will be! To each other, too!’ my voice shook and my teeth clanked together. All of these years, Kohén had felt so guilty about staying while Kohl had been turned out… how would he feel if he learned that he had every right to feel guilty now that he’d finally gotten excited about his future? How would he feel when he learned that his mother was sabotaging his and his brother’s dreams to make up for what could never, ever be made right? I shook her in my anger. ‘And I also see that you are sapped right now, aren’t you, you twisted little angel?’
She slapped at my hands as her skin turned a ghastly shade of red. ‘Stop…!’ she gargled the word. ‘If you kill me you’ll be put to death too!’
‘My nature is already a death sentence for me,’ I said coldly. But her eyes were turning white- fading like a fire dying out and it spooked me so I released her. ‘I am a proud, strong and infertile woman… thanks to stigma’s perpetuated by lying, filthy martyrs like yourself, that is certain to get me thrown into the Wildwoods in due course! And though I would sooner take death over this life, I won’t do so while so angry with God, so you’re going to balance out these scales and act like a mother for once!’
The duchess was gasping, clutching at her neck. ‘What are you saying?’
‘I think I’m I am falling in love with Kohl,’ I whispered, and her head snapped up. The shock registering on her features was almost comical. ‘Yes, the one with the lazy eye. Yes, the one with no destiny but to come second to the boy he should have surpassed. Yes I have been confused for a very long time but my mind was made up tonight: you failed Kohén by not treating us like little girls- and now he is a single-minded lech like his father and eldest brother, and I will NOT stick around to become one of his pretty, wasted things! So I’ll do you a deal: You’re going to get me out of here and soon. I don’t care how you do it, but it happens before Kohén succumbs to the weakness in himself and brands me! I will give you time, but only until the end of the year duchess, for Kohén’s character is corroding faster with every passing day!’
‘But you can’t give him children, so Kohl will never rule if he tries to be with-’
‘He doesn’t care- not about my infertility and not for a crown- he wants me and only me and will abdicate to be with me, if it comes to that.’
‘And you believe him?’
I kicked her and she screamed, hugging her thigh to her chest. ‘How should I, if you don’t believe in him yourself? Ugh! I HATE you!’
‘Stop! I’m sorry! I don’t know if I can…. I couldn’t even keep Kohl! How am I supposed to…?’
‘You’ll lose Kohl, your spouse, your life and the respect of the world forever if you don’t! So find a way with that extreme intellect of yours, or I will expose you, and I will start by telling him how his mother has cheated him out of his destiny at his father’s request!’ I stepped back from her, and felt the rain ease and all too suddenly, I could hear people shouting out my name. I pushed my stringy hair out of my eyes and knelt by her to whisper: ‘He deserves one thing that is his and his alone, and I will be that for him and he will be happy, if you allow it. And if you don’t…’
‘I don’t trust you any more than I can trust them!’ she hissed.
‘Find a way, and fast, because I may be the only ally you have.’ I glanced over my shoulder when I heard Kohén’s anguished voice call my name, and saw lighted torches bobbing towards us from across the way. ‘They’re coming for me, and they’re going to wonder what on earth I’m doing with you and why we look the way we do so here-’ I turned to her, grunted and shoved her backwards. She squeaked as she plummeted back into the ditch. ‘Help!’ I cried loudly. ‘The duchess has fallen!’
‘You little…!’
‘Your hero,’ I whispered, glancing back to make sure that the others would be close enough to separate our silhouettes from the grey light, and then scurried down the ditch after her, getting my arms beneath her and lifting her weight. She was as light as a feather and weeping quietly, so it wasn’t hard to get her back up the incline. ‘You’re going to say that you went for a moonlit walk and that you tripped and hurt yourself, and I’m going to say that I ran away from Kohén’s orgy starring Kelia when I heard you scream, and not because I was disgusted.’ She looked up at me, stricken and I nodded and spat on the ground. ‘I know right? He was so sweet…’
‘They can’t help it, she said miserably, resting her head on my shoulder ‘Believe me Larkin, it’s a male thing. It doesn’t matter how smart or beautiful-’
I groaned loudly, cutting her off. ‘Just… don’t, okay? Believe what you’ve been brainwashed to believe, but please, allow one of us to maintain some fucking sense.’
Constance bowed her head and sniffled. ‘I had wings once,’ she whispered. ‘I was born with them, so strong was I! But after one year in Eden, I didn’t even have to try and hide them anymore because they had disintegrated...’
‘Then prove your worth, by giving them to me,’ I said in a low voice, though I was impressed by that fact. No Nephilim had been born with actual wings for centuries, not even a Barachiel. ‘And I will fly Kohl to safety and to God.’
She sniffled again. ‘I’ll try.’
And then Kohén was hollering my name and running across the field toward me, and I grit my teeth in preparation for the greatest performance of my life- looking at him like I didn’t wish him a swift death.
20.
To my amazement, the excuse I’d hastily constructed to explain why the duchess and I were bloody, muddy and upset was readily swallowed by everyone. The king helped the lie along because for one, he believed me and secondly, he was clearly accustomed to his spouse pitching fits after he’d exercised his right to pass time with Companions. Kohl was baffled at first, but smartly arranged my soggy hair over my shoulder so his mother’s bite mark wouldn’t be so obvious, and Kohén believed everything because he had not yet lost his trust in people the way the rest of us had.
The duchess and I were both in a bad state, and both stayed in our rooms for the next two days, me to read from the stack of books that
Kohl sent to me, her probably to fume, and though I missed being with Kohl and hated being confined to the cottage with Kelia, I welcomed the respite from everyone’s attentions, especially Kohén’s. He did not infringe on my privacy, not even once, except to leave a bouquet of white roses with Kelia with the message to thank me for helping his mother when none of them had even heard her scream, and to tell me that as soon as I was ready for company, to send for him.
I did not send for him and I let the flowers lie on the dining table without water, and he did not attempt to bridge the awkward gap between us again. This time, he didn’t suspect that he’d messed up- he KNEW that he had, and because I had too, he’d obviously decided to stop fighting for a lost cause. Pacifica was an enchanting place, but our time there had only served to disenchant us about one another enough to reduce our relationship to one of Master and Commander, to comrades, to ships passing in the night.
I tried to hide from Kelia as best as I could but she came in to see me every day with juice or a fresh flower for the bowl of frangipani’s that Kohl had brought me beside my bed, smiling a secretive little smile and wearing a new piece of gold jewellery, and though I knew she was dying for me to ask what the hell had happened, I did not. For the first time in my life I’d finally found a subject that I wasn’t curious about, and like with Kohén, she seemed to grow more disenchanted with me and my lack of interest every day. I caught her a few times, looking at herself in the mirror and admiring her bejewelled reflection, and I almost dissolved in the guilt. But when I saw her pick up my dead flowers through my open bedroom door, put them in a vase and walk them into her room while humming prettily, I realised that some people really were built to be whores to some sort of system, and I surrendered her fate to her and tried to find comfort in the fact that at least she was being spoiled and petted again, even if it were by a clawed hand.
