by S. K Munt
‘Larkin, I’m sorry,’ he caught my hand as I rose, and I felt his soothing energy throb though my palm, seeking entrance into my heart and mind, but I broke the contact and shook my head, not deigning to look back at him.
Stupid, stupid! I promised the duchess that I could avoid these kinds of encounters and yet, here I am, baiting a shark and having him distend his jaws for my trouble!
‘No, you just proved my point,’ I said woodenly, wanting to cry. ‘Kissing you could get me whipped and yet… yet you keep…’ I looked up at the sky above Eden’s awnings, blinking back the tears. ‘I’m not a person to you, your highness; I’m someone you’d like to snack on until the time comes for you to sink your teeth into a worthy, first-born, three course bride. It’s a biased way of thinking and an archaic one, and yet our kingdom’s laws support it, so how can someone as educated as you wonder why it’s upsetting to a girl like me?’ I tugged my hand free and hugged the book closer to my chest, knowing that my grip on it was the only thing preventing me from clawing his blind eyes out. ‘How can it surprise you at all, that I’ve come to hate the God who you claim supports my despair?’
I heard Karol breathe in sharply. ‘You can’t mean-’
‘And yet, I do,’ I said coldly, and began to walk away, shaking a little. Every time I said out loud that I was losing love for God, I began to believe it a little more, and grew that little bit more afraid of myself- of the potential evil that was lying dormant in my bloodstream.
‘You’re not going to fall, Larkin!’ Karol called after me but to my relief, did not give chase. ‘Our family won’t allow that to happen! You are too clever and ambitious, and mean too much to us-’
‘And the others?’ I whirled back and faced him across the courtyard, Miguel Barachiel’s cottage providing a scenic backdrop to our unhappy exchange. Idly, I wondered when that cabin- once so dear to Miguel- had become inadequate, for I knew they’d broken ground on it long before his death. Had he built himself palace because his family had expanded? Or because his sense of self-importance had? And most importantly, when had they put up walls to keep the ones deemed unequal out?
Karol’s brows pulled together. ‘What?’
I sighed and gestured inside. ‘The other girls? My equals?’ I was thinking of course, about the duchess’s escape plan, and the fact that it would help only me. ‘They’ve already fallen, Karol. Where was your family then?’ Tears formed in my eyes, blurring him. ‘Where was God when they were in need of assistance? Where is God right now, while kids as smart as I am are toiling away in mines, or sifting through wreckage?’ I held up my fingers and wriggled them. ‘Their brains are shrivelling up as their hands are, and yet here I am, getting expensive manicures that I don’t want while they live on rations! How is that right?’
Karol looked perplexed, even through my unfocused gaze. ‘Is it not enough that I’ve done all you’ve asked of me thus far? Must I save the entire fucking world in order to prove God’s existence and my-’
‘No, you don’t have to save anything, or anyone,’ I said honestly, holding up my book. ‘I’ve been reading books for happy endings and heroes, your highness, and they have softened the blow of reality for me enough for me to endure it and the manicures too. All I ask of you, is that you not try and convince me that my reality could feel like a fairy tale if I’d only succumb to your charms and turn a blind-eye to the equality lie.’
Karol took a step closer. ‘But that book doesn’t have a happy ending, little swan, and it’s a biography- not a fairy tale.’
‘I know,’ I smiled sadly. ‘Like you said: I’ll be eighteen soon, and it’s time that I grew up and faced facts…’ I tapped the book. ‘This is an Eden whore’s fairy tale... and you wanna know why?’
He didn’t look like he did, but with a pinched expression he said: ‘Why?’
I smiled and threw the book to the ground. ‘Because at least she got to know what it was like to have life growing inside her, if only for a minute. At least for one second- she got to be someone’s everything, which is a fate that no other Companion will ever know.’ I turned and began to walk away, but I’d only taken two steps before I remembered that the way I was lifting my chin was proud, and that I wasn’t supposed to antagonise him, so I dropped my chin back to my chest and settled for looking pathetic, rather than like I’d had the last word. It was fortunate that I did too, for I caught the scent of Kohén’s aftershave the moment I walked through the courtyard doors.
‘Larkin,’ he said coldly as he passed me by.
‘It’s duckling,’ I whispered in response, and then hurried on with my head bowed so low that my toga would catch my tears. I ran towards that harem; towards servitude, compliance and good behaviour, and away from Kohén’s cold stare and the undeniable proof that though he’d once convinced me otherwise, I’d never be everything to him.
Not like he still was to me, regardless of how hard I was trying to convince myself that a more angelic version of him that was his twin, would ever be good enough for a wicked girl like me.
*
I received a letter from Kohl two weeks after my return from Pacifica wrapped up inside a book called The Count Of Monte Cristo. It was long- seven pages long and so thick that I was glad that the palace staff had stopped opening my parcels from him years ago, for this book had a telling gap from the way he’d wedged it in, and the contents of the letter were damning for us both.
I read my letter again and again, certain that my eyes had deceived me the first few times through but no, his announcement was real: in less than a week, Kohl would be returning for his brother’s birthday, as Prime Minister Hartley’s travel companion! And going off the dating of the letter, he was probably on The Tempest already and sailing our way!
Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh- he’ll be here in just a few days! Oh…!
Taking so much of his annual leave in August meant that he wouldn’t get to come back at the end of the year, but according to the duchess’s plans, I could be in Pacifica with him by then anyway, and so I was first moved to tears with happiness, and then instantly relieved that I was feeling anything at all. In Pacifica, our connection had been intense, and yet since I’d returned, I’d been so distracted by the ghost of Kohén and Larkin past and worried about my father’s lingering spirit, that I’d been struggling to picture a future that included any joy at all. In fact, I’d been second-guessing my connection with Kohl, and wondering if perhaps I’d just exaggerated my feelings for him.
But having a fresh letter brought it all back. Okay so yes, he was a more accessible, less threatening version of the twin that I’d fallen in love with so there had definitely been a slight transference of affection… but it was his heart that that made the two stand apart and allowed him to stand taller in my eyes; it was his goodness that could resurrect mine.
But the second half of the letter was a little disheartening, and reminded me that I needed to save Kohl as much as I needed him to save me:
I don’t know how he’s done it, but I think Kohén has found a way to talk my father and Atticus Hartley out of letting me be crowned King of Pacifica for good. It’s all very secretive, but Kohén has apparently come up with a vision for this new little nation that has captured Atticus’s interest, only I have no way of knowing what it is until I get back there for neither father, nor Kohén have written to me to keep me in on the loop, and Atticus says he can’t really discuss anything yet because nothing’s in stone... But he gave me a sad look, you know? And it said: ‘Sorry kid, but I’m backing the horse with the highest odds, not the dark one.’
And as excited as I am for this voyage (or want to be), Atticus was grumbling that the crown would only permit me to attend the ball, and not his assistant Jovi... and that hurts! God, he and I were so close before father started coming out to Caldera all the time and singing Kohén’s praises! Now, thanks to Elijah the second, my general has obviously decided that I’m nought but a slave and would sooner have a jolly one along for company, over a n
oble one! Either that, or he’s just afraid that I’ll get into a mood and besiege The Tempest with an actual tempest!
But I can’t help the fact that it’s been raining around here a lot more, you know? I’m depressed, Larkin, and I don’t want you to think it’s because I put any serious hopes in ruling this place because as you know- my greatest wish is to be at your side and everything else is white noise in my soul meant to keep me distracted from going crazy missing you until we meet again. But… I sort of wish that Atticus had fought harder for me. Or Kohén- or father or mother… for just one person to declare proudly: ‘I choose him and you should too!’ and mean it, even if nothing eventuated of it. Because it’s terrifying to hit my age and realise that no one loves you or has complete faith in you- not enough to go out on a limb for you anyway- just because you were born eleven minutes later than someone else, and slightly flawed.
You and I have worried about who I would have become if I’d stayed, and… well, this may sound egotistical and sinful Larkin, but sometimes, I calculate the differences between my father and I, and think that maybe, if I’d stayed, I could have surpassed all of them. Kohén beat me by just a point and a half, after all- with all of his education and training! So what score would I have earned in his royal boots? Who could I have been, if I’d been born first?
I know that I have a temper and no I have not been educated half as thoroughly as Kohén has- but I’ve been here! I built most of the homes by hand, and I could establish guidelines to rule by not based on castes, but based on the fact that I know every person here by name! Why should a noble who has done nothing but attend a bunch of meetings rule what a noble with Blue Collar experience has built?
And it’s not just being overlooked that hurts, but left out of things completely! While you were in your bungalow recovering here, Kohén and Atticus went for a two-day sail without even telling me first to visit the other islands, and Atticus always asks me to go on those trips, for I speak the native tongue better than anyone! And though I didn’t mention it at the time, it wounded me deeply. I felt like I was the closest thing that Atticus had to a son, you know? Obviously not, if he can switch out one Barachiel for his matching bookend or a Hawaiian worker without a beat being lost!
In the end, I’m relieved that I won’t have to abdicate anything or piss my parents off or let the General down due to my ingratitude, but to be brutally honest, I never gave up on that dream of giving you everything, you know? I wanted to be your Rhett or your knight in shining armour. I wanted to have the power to abolish the Given caste for you, and to make you a queen, and the funding to find the best Nephilim healer alive to restore your fertility, and I am sorry, but it looks like I will fail you in those ways.
But I know that you love me anyway, and I cannot sleep at night for memories of what it was like to make love to my beautiful little flower… well, not for a while anyway. Then I stroke myself, remembering how it felt when you brushed your sweet petals against me, and I sleep deeply after, dreaming of the day when the queen of my heart will make me her king...’
I’m through with trying to please people or prove myself Kohén’s equal: You are all I need, and from now on, winning your hand will be my only goal.
It was late at night but I felt too expanded with emotion to stay in my elegant cell another second longer. I was flushed from Kohl’s sensual phrasing, guilt-stricken over the fact that he would never be able to claim his birthright when I had the power to announce the truth of his birth status publicly and change things, excited to see him- and terrified that I would be overcome when I did.
Oh God… How am I going to be around him without reaching for him? How am I going to look him in the eyes and convince him that he is safe in my love when I am not so sure that I have heart to give yet? And how am I going to be able to allow the duchess to free me with her power when we both know that the ‘right’ thing for me to do, is to confess the truth to Kohl about the fact that he’s the rightful heir, and let HIM determine what’s best for him? What if he DOES want to be King of Pacifica, more than he wants me? How can he know otherwise? And who are she or I to decide on his behalf? How can I just stand idly by while he throws his ambitions out the window and waits patiently to catch me? I mean… would I give up my dreams of farming and freedom for him…?
I was in my satin negligee, but it was the modest sort with a straight neckline that reached my shins, so I threw on the matching robe, stuffed my letter under my pillow and let myself out the window, padding my way across the frosty-wet lawn in slippers, which absorbed more moisture with every step. But I welcomed the cold against my overheated skin, so I ran until I got to Lady Liberty to generate more of a breeze, and sank down on the (new) marble steps beneath her feet, resting my head against the one above me, and looking up at her face from sixty feet below. Once upon a time, I knew that she’d thrust her torch over three hundred feet into the air, but her new foundation was considerably wider and stouter than the last, so that people could actually touch her feet if permitted to without having to scale her old, fractured pedestal.
‘Do you know that you’re the closest thing I have to a mother figure now?’ I asked her wryly, my eyes skating over the scratched and chaffed patina coating her once coppery surface, and silently acknowledging the fact that her very presence in Eden was a miracle of sorts, because had it not been for a few care-taking Nephilim over the centuries, she would have collapsed hundreds of years ago- if not during Armageddon, then after due to natural causes.
The Nephilim can do so much good! And yet, God was the reason why she suffered for so long and needed such help… how am I to have faith that life will work out for Kohl and I, when it took magic and several miracles to preserve an existence as important to the world, as Liberty’s is? I am insignificant in comparison!
‘Since Lindy left I’ve been so lonely…’ I closed my eyes. ‘I don’t mean to feel sorry for myself. I mean, I know that there are many girls in this world who have to live without maternal affection too… but they probably have girlfriends, or fathers or husbands to fill the void, you know? But I don’t even have a best friend anymore, not since Kohén and Kelia betrayed me together...’ I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye. ‘I need someone to talk to, and you’re the only person that I can trust to not repeat what I say. I know, I know... the duchess has been nicer lately so I’m not completely an island, but she honestly believes that I am wicked, so talking to her can make me feel worse… and the fact that I can’t sleep at night for my guilty consciences isn’t exactly an argument to her contrary, is it?’ I sniffled. ‘But I don’t mean to be wicked, Liberty! I don’t want to be beautiful or tempting, and right now, I’d give anything to be stupid and unremarkable so I wouldn’t feel all of this, or had ever hoped for more...’ I slumped onto my elbows and blinked up at her. ‘Oh… how I wish Kohl had never sent me those romance novels! I was fine before I read those, you know? I had all that I needed of Kohén to myself, and did not need anything more! But then… then I had to go fall in love with him and hope for things... and now- now I’m so conflicted, and I don’t know what to do!’ I dropped my face and wept onto my forearms for a few minutes, picturing what it would feel to tell Kohl the truth now that the temptation to do that had reared its ugly head yet again, and to watch Kohén fall through a third-born crack as he ought to have done in the beginning. True to Stockholm-syndrome form, my lungs constricted with fright.
He’d be disinherited, probably… sent off to Caldera, dressed in commoners clothes, be deprived of the rest of his education until he turns twenty-one… God, how could he endure such a blunt existence, with a mind that has been sharpened to a point like a pencil lead? No more training. No more travelling. No purpose… no fallback plan...
But... he’d be forbidden from interacting with girls privately for the next four years, just like Kohl will be if he remains the off-cut, which is deserved, and could be character-building for him, I guess... But what about Kohl? Will they give him a new harem ful
l of girls? Oh, hell no I couldn’t watch that happen... not that I would have to though- because I’d be sent packing too and would very likely never see him again...
Though I should have welcomed some of those for instances after what Kohén had put me through, and how desperately I longed for freedom for me and justice for Kohl- the very idea of hurting my former best friend, even to help his kind-hearted twin, made me feel cold all over- so cold that my tears felt like boiling water in comparison as they slid down my icy cheeks.
God, it’s hopeless, isn’t it? There’s nothing I can do to help one cause, that won’t hurt another!
I looked up at Liberty again and shook my head, thinking of how much simpler the world would be if I’d never made that damning deal with Karol, or if I at least had some guarantee that Kohén would keep his hands off me and his promise until I was released. ‘I never needed to be his swan, you know? I was the happiest girl in the world when I was his duckling. Now I’m nothing to him and though I know that shouldn’t matter… even though I know I should be doing nought but praying to escape this place, I’ll never be able to shake the fact that it’s all my fault.’ I sniffled. ‘How can I hate him, or act hatefully towards him, when I know that if I’d had faith in us or him or even me, I could be living a fairy tale right now? Not a conventional one of course, but why did I care about how it looked from the outside so much, when I knew how right it felt when it was just he and I?’ I sniffled again. ‘And even if I’m released a virgin, how am I going to ever love anyone else, or kiss them or be taken to bed… with the ghost of what could have been with Kohén haunting me like this? I mean… I can’t, can I? I’m… I’m still his.’ I closed my eyes and clawed at my chest, thinking of Kohl’s sweetness. ‘Oh… I want so much to be happy and to feel safe, but Kohén is… he’s… I miss him so much, Liberty! And I don’t know if I’m hurting this much because I miss my friend, or if it’s because he’s my everything.’
