by Dinah McLeod
"What?" she asked, her brow furrowing. He hadn't even looked at the phone. He didn't even hear her question—he was too busy sprinting out of the room, leaving her dazed and confused in the wake of his un-Robert like behavior.
She probably would have sat there mulling it over if she hadn't caught sight of the row of implements just then. A wicked smile crossed her face as a devious thought—actually, several—crossed her mind. She glanced at the open doorway once more to make sure that she was still alone. She took a step toward the implements, but then, on second thought decided to double back. Creeping toward the door, she shut it softly before making a beeline for Robert's terrible, awful, no-fun toys.
He'd kill her if he knew what she was up to right now. Well, if not her, then at least her butt. But she just couldn't resist. She might never get this opportunity again. When she was in front of the table, she saw that in addition to the hairbrush and the plastic paddle, there was a small leather strap. What she wouldn't give to be able to light a fire and watch the terrible trio go up in flames. It'd be poetic justice, really—they'd set her hiney ablaze many a time. Normally, she didn't care for the smell of burnt leather—who did? But in this case, she was sure it would smell as sweet as perfume and the memory alone would keep her warm all winter long.
Maybe she could just hide them and when she got a chance, she could create her own little bonfire. Maybe she'd even get make s'mores to toast the occasion. The thought made her smile widen and filled her with a sense of giddy anticipation that had her scooping up the implements and hiding them in the bottom of her dresser drawer without another thought. The drawer was full of her sweats and 'fat' pants from when she'd been pregnant with LJ. It also was where she'd kept her tampons ever since the one occasion she'd found the girls playing with them. And thus, she had her assurance that it was the one place Robert would never check.
Yes, being a woman had its advantages. No doubt about it.
***
Sadie tried to walk casually into the kitchen without revealing the Cheshire grin on her face. She wasn't managing very well, until she caught sight of her husband. He was hunched over the counter with the phone still pressed to his ear, nodding every few seconds as though the person on the other end could see him. Seeing him made her think of what would happen if she was ever found out, and it was daunting enough to get rid of her grin once and for all.
When Robert turned around, he startled to see her behind him. "Hey. When did you get here?"
"Just now. Who was that?"
"Huh? Who?"
"On the phone."
"Oh. Nobody."
"You've been talking to nobody for fifteen minutes?" she asked, her brow furrowing.
"It was a telemarketer. He was telling me about the special running in our area if we switch cable carriers."
"Why didn't you hang up?" she inquired with a sigh. That was just like Robert, to let a telemarketer take up half his day.
"You know I couldn't do that."
"Well, you could have at least told them we don't have cable!"
"You want me to lie?"
She shook her head at the wonder in his voice. "You're hopeless."
"So I've been told," he grinned. "Now, what do you have planned for the day?"
"Well, since my wonderful husband is going to pick the girls up from school, I think I'm going to finally go to that MOMs meeting today."
"You should do that. By the way, that man of yours sounds pretty awesome," he added with a grin.
"He's great," she agreed readily. "I don't think you two would get along though. He doesn't believe in spanking his wife."
"Hey!" he exclaimed, reaching over to swat her bottom. She darted away just in time and stuck her tongue out at him, giggling. When he pursued with exaggerated stomping steps, she put her hands on her hips and shook her head.
"I don't have time to play. I have to get ready. No, you don't get to pout. If you'd wanted to spend time with me, you shouldn't have run off to talk to a telemarketer."
"Fine," he grumbled in acceptance. "But tonight you're all mine."
"We'll see. It depends on how good you are," she answered breezily.
"How good I am?" he demanded, his eyebrows arching. "I think you might have time for a quick reminder of who wears the pants in this family."
"Stop it!" she exclaimed, reduced to giggling once more as he spun her around and laid rapid, yet playful spanks on her bottom. "All right already!"
"You yield?"
She rolled her eyes at the mock seriousness in his voice. "Yes, fine. If you promise to leave me alone."
"I will promise no such thing, but it's good to know that you can admit when you've made an error in judgment." He puffed his chest out and strutted away with enough swagger to make her choke on laughter.
She made a mental note not to talk to anyone at MOMs about her husband. They'd never believe her, anyway.
***
Sadie was pretty excited about her first meeting of MOMs. It stood for Mothers of Multiples. She'd been hearing about it for years and how much it had helped other women. She couldn't wait to see if it lived up to expectations. Robert had been encouraging her to go ever since the girls were born, but she'd always found an excuse not to go. Granted, if anyone had a good excuse, it was a mother of twins, but still, she was glad she was finally making the time to attend.
She didn't expect to feel nervous and shy at all. She usually wasn't. But when she walked in the door, she was hit by a flurry of unexpected anxious butterflies. Maybe it was the fact that, rather than the quiet, intimate setting she was expecting, there were at least fifty women in the room. That, and the fact that they were all dressed in expensive-looking sweater sets that seemed color coordinated with one another's, had her a bit uneasy.
Or perhaps it was the fact that the 'light finger foods' that had been described on the invitation was more like an entire food buffet. That would have been a good thing—a great thing, actually, since her tummy began rumbling the moment she set eyes on it—if it wasn't displayed on silver trays lined with doilies. Not only that, but each tray had its own individual flag with names like 'watercress sandwiches' and 'stuffed green olives'.
Sadie swallowed hard and wondered if she'd made a mistake. Everywhere she looked she saw this month's It handbags and pearls. If that wasn't bad enough, they'd laid out a spread that only her great-grandma could have appreciated, God rest her soul. Who liked green olives well enough to stuff them, anyway?
Maybe she could still make a run for it. Maybe no one had spotted her yet. She could slip away, no worse for the wear with no one the wiser.
"God, it looks like Pintrest threw up in here."
Sadie froze as she heard the voice behind her. Could it be… Was that sarcasm and disdain? Her pulse picked up. Maybe, just maybe, she had a kindred spirit standing right behind her. She turned around slowly, not wanting to risk scaring her off. What she saw was a short, pixie-faced woman with a smattering of freckles on her cheeks and long, curly brown hair.
She would have expected the woman to look wary, given what she'd said, but she met Sadie's eyes without flinching. In fact, she grinned and winked boldly, not at all ashamed to be overheard speaking her mind. "You're not wearing a sweater set."
Sadie looked down at her gray striped shirt dress that, technically was a maternity shirt and shrugged. She'd paired it with black leggings and a silver rope belt. She'd thought she looked great before she walked in here with all the Stepford moms.
"Does that mean what I think it means?" her new friend asked eagerly.
"What do you think it means?"
"Well, I'm hoping that maybe I'm not the only one here who's more like Lois Griffin than June Cleaver."
Sadie snorted with laughter. She hadn't thought to put it quite like that, but she wished she had. "I was going for more of a Jennifer Lopez post-baby look, but then I remembered something."
"You don't have the money to pay a personal trainer to exercise you to death?"
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"Bingo. That, and I didn't have J-Lo boobs to begin with." As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Sadie wished she could stuff them back in. A woman at the end of the snacks table was now looking their way and glaring. She started to look down at the ground in shame until she heard her new friend laughing beside her.
"I'm not a hundred percent convinced she was born with those boobs," she replied, throwing her head back and roaring without caring who heard her.
"Excuse me," the woman at the end of the table admonished. "This is a MOMs group!"
"Yeah, so?"
Sadie couldn't believe her daring.
"So the only time it's appropriate to discuss breasts is if you're talking about breast feeding!"
That pronouncement only sent her into more laughter, so booming and uninhibited that Sadie couldn't help but giggle along with her. The lady in question gave a loud huff before she took her plate and stomped off.
"We'll be run out of here any second."
"Is that really such a bad thing, do you think? By the way, I'm Lexi."
"Sadie," she answered, offering a hand.
Her new friend took it and gave it a shake. "Please believe me when I say it's really nice to meet you. I was getting worried there for a second."
"Me too," she admitted. "I don't know how they do it," she added, somewhat wistfully. "I always have bits of something in my hair and baby food stains on my shirt."
Lexi eyed her critically. "Looks like you did okay this morning."
"Well…" she began to flush as she admitted, "I didn't put this on until I'd already said goodbye and was literally walking out the door."
"Smart plan! I'll have to use that next time!"
Sadie couldn't help but smile. God, it felt so good to talk to another adult. She hadn't realized how long it had been since she'd had someone to really share with. "Should we find a seat or…"
"Make a run for it?" Lexi intoned, her hazel eyes gleaming mischievously. "Nah. We should stay, just in case there are any other lost sheep who come wandering in and decide to steer clear of the chopping block."
Sadie covered her mouth with her hand to smoother her giggles. "You're terrible," she whispered when she felt like it was safe to speak.
"You love it," her friend quipped.
And she did. She really did.
"Geez, I wish just once they'd listen to my suggestion and serve Cheetos," Lexi groaned while picking up a celery stick.
"My hero," Sadie sighed with pure happiness as they walked away to find their seats.
They weren't seated together, which Lexi explained was probably because the MOM's Monarch—as she called her—didn't like her. "She's keeps worrying I'll corrupt some poor Betty in high heels. She'll sit next to me and next thing you know, she'll show up singing Pink instead of the National Anthem."
Sadie dissolved into a fit of giggles which turned into a coughing fit when she tried to smoother it. They were getting a few concerned, perturbed looks, which she imagined was just going to keep happening. Which, in retrospect, was probably why they hadn't been seated together in the first place. Fortunately for her, Carol Mingledorf, who was supposed to be Lexi's seatmate—and who, according to Lexi was as dry and humorless as they came—hadn't arrived yet.
"I'll take care of this," she told Sadie with a determined look in her eye before she marched off.
Sadie took a seat and couldn't help smiling to herself. She was so thankful to have the beginnings of what looked like a perfect friend. She was a mom, she was witty and fun, and she wasn't supermodel thin. Yep, she met all of her requirements for the perfect friend. She couldn't wait to tell Robert when she got home. He'd been telling her she should get out more and make friends for years—easier said than done with two babies, which was now three little ones. Besides, you couldn't rush things like this—they happened naturally, or not at all. A thing like this, this budding friendship with Lexi, was nothing more than destiny. And she just knew that Robert would be as thrilled as she was.
"Done," Lexi whispered as she took a seat beside her.
Sadie couldn't help but notice the smug smile on her face. "What'd you do?"
"The package has been delivered."
"What?" she giggled. Would she ever stop laughing when this woman was around?
"It's simple, my dear Sadie. When I saw Carol come in, I slipped her a chocolate bar."
"A chocolate bar?"
"Yep. It's her poison, and it didn't hurt that it's her time of the month."
"You know her cycle?" Sadie asked, trying to keep her voice down. She was pretty sure if she wasn't supposed to say boobs that talking about periods was also forbidden.
"Well, it probably doesn't hurt that Carol is always PMSing," she said with a roll of her eyes.
"Hmm, that's funny. That could describe my husband."
This time, it was Lexi who laughed, so loudly, in fact, that they received several dirty looks. It only seemed to fuel her amusement, because soon she was laughing so hard her eyes were watery. When several women shushed them with their fingers to their lips, Sadie couldn't help but join in.
Chapter Eight
"Hey, babe. How was your meeting?" Robert asked without looking up from the notepad he was studying.
"It was won-derful," Sadie trilled as she floated into the kitchen. "I had the absolutely best time."
"That's great."
"Great doesn't even begin to describe it." She opened the cabinet and pulled out two glasses before getting the pitcher of lemonade from the fridge. Once she'd poured two tall glasses, she walked over to the table and put one in front of Robert, leaning down to kiss him. When he didn't look up from his notepad, she frowned. "What are you doing anyway?"
"Working," he replied shortly.
"Working on what?"
He put the notepad face-down on the table and gave her his full attention. "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean to be distracted. Sit down and tell me all about it." Sadie was only too happy to comply. She was bursting to tell him anything and immediately launched into the story of meeting Lexi.
"I was so relieved," she admitted with a giggle. "You wouldn't believe these other women, babe. All they talked about was crock pot recipes and debated the best exercise DVDs!" she said, wrinkling her nose.
"That doesn't sound too bad."
Sadie gave him a hard stare with pursed lips that made him rethink his answer. Only when he'd apologized—though it was clear he didn't know what for—did she continue. "MOMs is short for moms of multiples, right? One woman acted like since she had triplets she ruled the roost! Hell, not everybody there even had twins!"
"How dare she! Who does she think she is?"
Sadie rolled her eyes. "You had to be there."
"Clearly."
"Careful, or next time you'll be my plus one."
Robert swallowed hard. "Go on."
"Well, anyway, when they were in the middle of a huge discussion of cloth diapers verses potty learning, Lexi and I snuck out and went to Starbucks. I'm sure we weren't missed," she giggled.
"What's potty learning?"
"When you take your six month old and hold him over the toilet until he goes."
"You're kidding."
"Nope." She shook her head solemnly.
"That's insane."
"You see?" she shouted, slapping the table. "Now you know why I was so glad to find Lexi!"
"Well, I'm sorry it wasn't for you, sweetie. At least you know you don't have to go back. I'm proud of you for trying."
"Not go back? Of course I'm going back."
"But I thought you said—"
"Didn't you hear me? I just met the best friend ever. She really gets me, you know?"
"Um…"
"Never mind," she sighed, pushing her chair back. "I shouldn't have expected you to understand."
"Wait," he said, holding his palms up. "I get it. You found a friend, and I'm happy for you, I promise. But I don't understand why you're going to keep going back to MOMs if you
hate it."
"We have to. Lexi says it's our civic duty to help out our fellow sisters in need. Like I was today." She beamed.
"I see," Robert replied, in a voice that clearly said otherwise.
"I just hope…" she trailed off and began nibbling her lip.
"What, babe?"
"I just hope she likes me. I mean, I think she does, but… you never really know, I guess."
"I'm sure she does, honey."
"You're just saying that."
"No, of course I'm not," he asserted, thinking that this had to be one of the weirdest conversations he'd ever had with his wife. "You're beautiful."
"She's not going to care about that," Sadie moaned.
"You're fun and you're lovable," he added quickly, holding his breath as he waited for another rebuke. When none came, he uttered an inaudible sigh of relief.
"Yeah, I guess."
"Come on. What can we do to take your mind off it?" He reached over and put his hand on her thigh, normally a sure thing for Sadie as her thighs were her weak spot.
"I guess it doesn't do any good to think about it," she admitted, somewhat reluctantly, as she leaned into his touch.
He was about to answer when her phone went off. He'd hoped she would ignore it, but she scooped it up and let out a little squeal when she looked at the screen.
"Oh my gosh! It's from Lexi!" With a press of a button, she forgot all about him and walked out of the room with the phone pressed to her ear as though he wasn't even in the room.
Robert couldn't help but feel a bit relieved. If Sadie had stayed, she would have seen him reach for his own phone and check the calendar. Yep, he thought to himself, his mouth turning down grimly. It was that time of the month. That explained it.
***
The next morning, Sadie found herself trying to fall back to sleep when she felt hands slip around her waist. She allowed it, until one of the hands wandered upward toward her breasts. When her husband began to grope her, she groaned and shrugged him off. "Stop. I said if you took the twins to school, and you wouldn't get up."
