by C. J. Anaya
He nodded and rubbed his thumb along my wrist. My skin no longer tingled when he touched me like that. I felt immense relief, knowing that I truly was over Kheelan in that respect. I just wished it was easier to write him off and not long for that easy camaraderie between us.
“I know that now, but Jareth and I used to compete with each other over the years. Jareth thought it was all good-natured fun, but he had no idea I was competing for father’s attention. Jareth didn’t even have to try and he’d have it. I can’t tell you how infuriating that was for me. And then suddenly he was denouncing his throne and everything he was entitled to.” He shook his head in amazement. “I thought he’d lost his mind. I truly did, until I met you and realized Jareth was just as sharp as ever. He didn’t lose a single thing when you entered his life. I can’t help but want that, Crysta. I can’t help but want you.”
“Kheelan—”
“I know. I know you don’t see that as a possibility, but you did develop feelings for me.”
“Under false circumstances. You lied to me.”
“But I never lied about my feelings for you. I never lied about that. And I took the time to get to know you in ways you can never imagine. Every time I pretended to heal your mind or held you close in my arms to comfort you I delved into your memories, living them as if I’d been present in your life. You can’t imagine how thrilling it was for me to watch you build a life for yourself despite how bleak and lonely it felt. You are so strong and so brave. Your desire to be loved and accepted for yourself resonated with me. It’s what I’ve always wanted. I may not have had foster parents, but I’ve never been seen, never been heard, never been loved and accepted either.”
“I understand what you’re saying, but don’t you see that Jareth did love and accept you? I know your father’s love was important to you, but Jareth always loved you. He always cared.”
“You’re right,” he said, swallowing down some emotion. “I was just so busy competing with him it never occurred to me that I could seek out acceptance from him and feel completely content. What I am saying is that I relived those memories of yours, all the memories you no longer have, and I’m telling you right now, I can’t let someone as incredible as you go. I can’t. I won’t.”
“You have to. You must know I can never love you like you want me to. Not now. Not after everything you’ve done.”
“I know you’re compassionate. I know you’re quick to forgive people because I watched you do it all the time when those you should have been able to trust let you down. I watched you do amazing things with your life, accomplish amazing things. I loved reliving your ballet memories. All those lessons and performances, especially when you trained for the role of Sugar Plum Fairy in The Nutcracker. That last dance between the Sugar Plum Fairy and the Prince was amazing, the music is one of my favorites, and you danced it in a way that absolutely mesmerized me.”
“You got all that from my head?” I teased, trying to lighten the tension between us even though I was very bothered by his words.
“I saw it through your eyes and the mirrors within the practice rooms. I couldn’t take my eyes off you”
I shook my head feeling a little disgusted by what he seemed to believe was a romantic gesture.
“So all I’m getting from that is you have a better picture of what my memories…of what my life was truly like than I do. Kheelan, you have to see how messed up that is.” He lowered his eyes for a moment, but I noticed his hand grip mine a little tighter. “You know me in a way I can’t know myself because you’re holding my memories hostage. I don’t belong to you. I’m not supposed to be with you.”
“That changes nothing for me. I’ll still fight to be with you even if I have to play dirty to do it.”
“Well, you’ve definitely proved you’re capable of anything.”
His gaze shifted with laser-like precision, zeroing in on me with an intensity that quite literally took my breath away. He was a charming, charismatic faerie. There was no denying that, and I didn’t even try to chastise myself for my body’s reaction to him. I would always care for Kheelan despite everything.
In the end, it didn’t matter. I knew what he had to offer came with strings. There would always be an issue of trust between us. I already knew the lengths he was willing to go to get what he wanted, and I couldn’t live with his life choices. Not when they negatively affected mine. These were all things I already knew, but getting that second affirmation while Kheelan sat there staring at me, willing me to feel more for him and give more to him than I was capable of made my feelings for Jareth come into crystal clear focus, and suddenly I couldn’t wait to get out of there and fix everything that was broken between us.
“I have to go. I’m sorry. I truly am sorry.”
I tried to pull my hand away but he held it fast, his gaze searing mine.
“I know you love Jareth. I know he’s your fated mate, but eventually you’ll see that I’m right for you. For as wonderful as Jareth is, he has quite a few secrets lurking within the recesses of his past and not all of them are pleasant. Some of them might become more than you can willingly bear, Crysta. Just remember I’m here when you realize you never truly knew Jareth to begin with…before or after you lost your memory.”
I shook my head and squeezed his hand, letting him know I heard him, but that I didn’t believe a word he’d just said. His gaze bordered on the pitying side. Did he really think I would discover some version of Jareth I couldn’t live with?
Not from what I’d observed.
He finally released my hand and stood.
“I’ll be here, Crysta. When the walls come tumbling down around you, when all you thought you knew and everyone you thought you loved are unveiled as the fakes they truly are…when you realize you’re surrounded by impostors, you know where to find me.”
I let out a tired sigh, ready for this conversation to be over.
“Thank you for your help with Lily, but please don’t expect another visit from me.”
I swiftly turned around and headed toward the stairs. All the while, I couldn’t help thinking about what those memories Kheelan had witnessed must have been like. The thought of me doing any type of dance was so fascinating to me. I wished with everything I had that I could somehow recreate that Sugar Plum Fairy dance with a prince of my own. A prince, who at the moment, was under the distinct impression that I didn’t want or need him. I had to let him in. I had to be the one to make that grand gesture, and if becoming engaged was a step in the right direction then so be it.
Maybe, once we finally broke the maze spell and recovered my memories, I could dance the Sugar Plum Fairy duet with…
I stopped walking as a haunting melody began playing over and over in my mind, a blurred vision of partner dancing opened up to me with toe shoes, tutus, props, and stagehands flashing in and out, all the while the music continued to play over and over in a repetitious eight count that had me swaying as I made my way down one of the winding tunnels I’d previously traversed.
I came to a sudden stop as the beginning refrain pounded through my brain and a new idea began to form.
Eight counts. Two measures. The exact length of the melody Kheelan might have used as the key to unlocking the maze spell.
Bloody hell!
I had to tell Jareth.
That had to be it.
It just had to be.
Kheelan said the music was his favorite, and it didn’t surprise me at all that the answer to releasing my memories came from my memories.
I hurried through a few winding corridors until I reached his room, but after barging in without warning and finding it empty, I ran back out and went searching for him again. Jareth’s soft voice carried toward me as I approached a small drawing room to the right with its door slightly ajar. I almost shoved the door open in my haste to get to him, but another voice coming from the room, a decidedly feminine voice, brought me up short.
“She doesn’t know, does she? You really should
be more up front with her, Jareth.”
The woman’s tinkling laugh grated on my nerves, but the familiarity of that voice sent a cold chill through me. Very familiar. Now where had I heard it before—
Faerie Pirate.
It was that stupid mercenary’s benefactress. The same woman who had hired him to finish me off.
What the…what?
“There’s absolutely nothing to tell,” Jareth said. “You need to leave at once, Rhoswen. I can’t even begin to comprehend how you got through the wards and apparated here, but your last visit ensured your banishment from the palace.”
Rhoswen? Who was Rhoswen?
I peeked a glance between the cracked doors and took in the most gorgeous woman I’d ever encountered. Well, if that didn’t make a person feel insecure, I don’t know what else could. She ran a hand down Jareth’s arm in a loving caress. I pulled back like I’d just been stung by an overgrown scorpion.
More nerve-grating laughter slithered from the crack in the door, causing me to clench my teeth just to prevent a very unladylike verbal outburst.
“Does she know about us? Does she know about our history? Does she remember the fact that you’re engaged to me?”
Oh, snap. No way this was happening. I waited for Jareth to throw out a firm denial, tell this woman she was cray cray, and that he loved me. Then I’d storm in there, accuse her of being the mastermind behind my assassination attempt, and we could throw her in the dungeon with Kheelan.
“We’ve been through this a million times, Rhoswen, and discussing this with Crysta now is a moot point considering what happened last time you were here. She’s dealing with too much at the moment. I won’t add to her troubles by bringing this up.”
Whoa. Seriously?
The fact that a denial of all that Rhoswen claimed was not forthcoming blew my freaking mind. After everything he’d said he felt for me, his encouragement to let go and trust him, take that step and have a little faith in him and what he offered…after all that, Jareth was secretly engaged to someone else?
Had I misread the situation somehow?
“Why haven’t you reminded her of what we are to one another?” Rhoswen purred. “It’s as if you never truly cared for me. Is it all a lie then? Our entire relationship means nothing to you?”
“How can you say that, Rhoswen? I devoted decades of my life to you, got engaged to you, cared for you, and even grew to love you.”
I took a step back and shook my head a little, trying to dislodge this surreal sensation that I’d just stepped into a dimension where absolutely nothing made sense anymore. A dimension where everything I thought I knew was completely bogus.
One thing I did know? I’d heard enough out of Jareth.
I turned on my heel and walked away, feeling a bit dazed and confused as I slowly, and a bit unsteadily, made my way back to my own room. Then I slammed the door, threw myself on my bed and snot cried for a good ten minutes.
If he was already in love, already engaged to another woman then what the hell were we doing together and why had he lied to me about it? How could he be with someone who hired mercenaries to kill innocent princesses for a living?
That thought brought me up short.
Was it possible he knew about Rhoswen’s involvement? Could he have…no. Not possible. I didn’t know Jareth like I wanted to, but he had absolutely no reason to off me. He’d done everything in his power to keep me safe, but it was clear Rhoswen saw me as a threat. If I married Jareth she was out of the running for queen.
But what then?
Would she be his mistress?
Was that the kind of scenario he was after?
The thought made me sick, so sick in fact, I had to race to my washroom and let go of everything I’d ingested that day.
The porcelain throne and I got acquainted for the next few minutes as all my anxiety, stress, heartache, and every other vile, negative emotion known to man spewed forth from my stomach. I sat on the floor afterward feeling wrung out. Like wet rag wrung out.
Where did we go from here?
No.
Where did I go from here because I sure as heck wasn’t marrying Jareth with a hidden fiancé-slash-mistress waiting in the wings, and Kheelan was obviously not someone I could trust even though he did warn me about Jareth’s secrets. Secrets I wouldn’t be willing to live with.
Yep. A secret mistress was a no-go in my book.
Geez, the pain I felt at the thought of Jareth with another woman laid waste to my insides. I couldn’t stand the thought. Rhoswen’s words and the way she ran her hand down his arm as if she owned him made me want to bring the palace walls down around her head and crush her like a bug.
Okay. Deep breaths. Deep cleansing breaths. Murderous rage won’t help you here.
I didn’t know who to trust anymore. I didn’t know who to turn to or what to do at this point. I could confront Jareth, but forcing him to choose between me and Rhoswen made me nauseous all over again. I had this awful feeling I’d come up short. I couldn’t hold a candle to that woman in the looks department and I knew it. Shallow insecurities aside, I willingly admitted to myself that my pride wouldn’t stand for it. I didn’t want to throw out ultimatums or try to convince him to be with me. And there was no stopping him from going back to her once we were married.
I was all alone now.
Which meant I had to do this all alone now.
I made up my mind and gingerly rose from the floor. I took a moment to wash my mouth and hands and then I sat on my bed for a moment, digging deep for the courage to test out my theory and unlock this maze spell myself.
I closed my eyes, drew on my core magic, and then followed the threads of Summer magic until I entered the maze spell. It took a few moments to find the right threads that played the right notes, then I had to rearrange them in the right order, but once that was done, I hesitated before allowing the melody to play.
Did I really want to remember everything? Did I want to remember falling in love with Jareth only to go back to this moment right after finding out about Rhoswen?
If I truly loved him as much as Roderick said, then wouldn’t it make this awful feeling of betrayal that much worse?
I just wanted one memory. The only memory that was important at this point. The only memory that had the power to stop King Moridan, stop this plague, and save the realm from being destroyed. The one memory that nullified the need for me to be beholden to either Jareth or Kheelan. I didn’t have to marry anyone. Not if my plan actually panned out.
I gave a mental tug on the first thread in the row, causing a musical vibration, a vibration which started the chain of musical notes that would either unlock the spell or cause the spell to attack me. The haunting eight count sounded three times, and flashes of memory raced through my mind’s eye before I was brought in front of a single, nondescript looking door, pulled along by the starter thread at the end of the melody. A golden key floated above me. I reached for it, feeling a tingle of power flow through me once I made contact. Then I placed the key in the lock and with renewed resolve quickly unlocked the door.
It swung open to reveal hundreds of thousands of memories floating within clear spheres of dimmed light. I stepped into the enormous room and closed my eyes for a moment. I was afraid the memories would flow over me and bombard me with too much information at once when all I really wanted to find was one very specific memory that not even I’d been aware existed for over eighteen years.
When nothing frightening happened, I opened my eyes and moved forward. One shiny memory caught me full in the face and popped open. My mind flooded with strange information. A woman stood before me, screaming that I was a freak of nature. Her husband lay on the floor gripping his chest, his lips stained in a deep blue color.
“You killed him,” she screamed. “You killed him with a single touch of your hand.”
I blinked away the memory and the room came into focus again. I dodged another memory headed my way. I did not want to relive a
nything else, especially something so disturbing as having to defend myself against the sexual advances of a foster dad.
Horrible.
It felt horrible.
I slowly maneuvered my way through the spheres of memory, looking for anything that appeared a little different than most. It felt like hours had passed since I’d unlocked the door to my memories, but eventually I noticed a sphere with an outer lining that looked a bit discolored. There was a dark film around the top which tapered over and around the middle, thinning out a bit but still causing the overall sphere to look a bit grey. Once I stopped just below it, I realized I couldn’t actually look inside it and see any hints of what the memory might hold.
Had to be it.
It was the only one that looked like it was hidden away. I reached up on my tippy toes and placed my pointer finger on it.
Nothing happened.
The other memory had simply exploded around me when I ran into it, but this memory did nothing.
Then I noticed a thrumming energy building beneath my finger. My core responded with a similar thrumming sound and the grey sphere cracked open like an egg, releasing a floating sphere of bright light with the face of a beautiful woman in the middle of a conversation. I tilted my head up to the sphere of light when it descended and embraced the flow of information as it touched my forehead.
The memory my mother hid within my mind so long ago was now mine to experience.
I closed myself off to everything else and watched it unfold.
Eighteen Years Ago
