by Kate Brian
***Ariana jolted upright, her chest heaving. Ragged, uneven gasps filled the air around her. The familiar
nightmare, cut together like a terrifying collage, had woken her. The empty bottle of wine, the trace of her
own screams, the blinding flash of fluorescent light. And her mother's voice.
You never know what people are capable of until they're pushed to their edge.She shivered and looked
around for something familiar. But there was no picture of her on the desk. No Christmas lights around the
windows. No neat stacks of worn novels piled next to her bed. Just a soccer ball wedged under the desk and a
near-empty bottle of Captain Morgan.
Her breathing slowed as she realized where she was. Releasing Thomas's plaid bedspread from her grip, she
glanced down at him. He slept on his stomach, his head turned toward her. She watched his
98
body rise and fall calmly next to her. His mouth was slightly parted, his breathing even. She tried to ignore the
twinge of jealousy she felt. She hadn't slept like that in too long. Not since the nightmares had started, just
over a year ago.
She turned to find her sweater and a hand on her back made her jump. She reminded herself that it was just
Thomas. Just Thomas.
"You seem tense, naughty girl," Thomas yawned behind her. "Luckily, I happen to know a few ways to calm
you down," he added suggestively, pulling her back down. He wrapped his warm arms around her from
behind and cuddled into her back, their bodies melding together.
Ariana forced a laugh, not turning around. "I should go," she said softly, without moving. She knew she
should pull away from him. Should get up and walk out the door. Go to Vermont. End this thing with
Thomas, whatever it was, while she still could. But the strength of his arms seemed to soothe her. They were
so close she could feel his heart beating. Her whole body slowed under his touch, making it impossible for her
to do the right thing.
"You're not getting out of here any time soon. Not if I have anything to do with it."
She wanted to tell him that he didn't have anything to do with it, didn't have any say in what she did. But she
would have been lying. And she couldn't bear the thought of being both a cheat and a liar. That wasn't her. It
couldn't be her. She wouldn't be able to live with herself.
"Did you sleep okay?" she asked.
"Sure." Thomas softly brushed her hair aside and kissed the back
99
of her neck. His words hummed on her clammy skin. "But I would have preferred that neither of us got any
sleep." He slid his hands across her hips and started to move them up her stomach.
She raised her hands to his, stopping him, and rolled over to face him. He had a crease on one side of his face,
stubble covered his chin and cheeks, and his hair stuck up in back. But even with all this, he was still so
handsome.
"Tell me something about you," she said.
She needed to hear something that would justify all this. Something that would make it okay that she was here
with him instead of on the slopes with Daniel. She needed him to make this okay.
Thomas smirked, bringing his lips close to her ear. "Why?" he whispered.
Chills shot down her spine, and suddenly it didn't matter if he made it okay. All she wanted to do was kiss
him. "Because." Ariana was so breathless as she looked up at him, she could hardly form the words. "Because
we just spent the night in the same bed and we hardly know each other."
As she looked into his eyes, she realized that wasn't really true. They might not have spent much time
together, might not have known the small details, but somehow, she knew him. He knew her. She could feel it
in the way her mind, her body responded whenever he looked at her. Even if she didn't know his middle name
or whether he'd worn braces or if he loved his parents ... she knew him.
"Well, I've never actually told anyone this," Thomas said softly, his face serious. "But I'm psychic."
100
"Psychic?" she repeated.
"Yeah," he said earnestly. He was so close now his nose was touching hers. The light contact sent her blood
racing. "Like for example, I know that in five seconds, you're going to kiss me."
Ariana's heart slammed into her rib cage over and over. "Oh, yeah?" she said playfully.
"Yeah."
Daniel would kill her if he knew what she was doing right now-what she was thinking. But she didn't care.
At that moment it didn't matter. All she wanted was to be with Thomas. To let herself go. To let him do
whatever he wanted.
"Four..." Thomas flashed his perfect, boyish grin.
"Not gonna happen," Ariana joked.
"Three ..."
"You're going to have to kiss me first."
"Two ..."
He shut his eyes.
"Uh-uh ..." she sang.
"One."
Ariana closed her eyes and waited for the kiss she knew was coming. Then her cell phone rang.
Automatically, her head shot up and she knocked skulls with Thomas. Hard.
"Sonofa-"
Thomas released her and fell back, hand to his forehead. "Sorry! I'm sorry," Ariana said, ignoring the pain as
she groped for her phone in her bag. When she finally found it, the display
101
said that she had a new text message. Heart pounding, she quickly opened it.
Daniel: Can't get warm up here without u. Call and let me know ur ok.Ariana was crushed by a sudden wave
of nausea.
"Who's that?" Thomas asked, his face still contorted with pain.
"Nothing," Ariana said quickly. "No one."
She slung her legs over the side of the bed and got up to crack the window. Snow swirled outside, blanketing
the entire campus with a fresh coating of white. There were at least two feet of thick powder. Ariana had
never seen so much snow in her life, and she let the cold air pour over her and wash the nausea away. She felt
as if she'd just been caught in the act. That Daniel had somehow known the exact moment to text her to keep
her from doing what she was about to do with Thomas.
Flipping open her phone, she read the text again.
Okay. Just breathe. Breathe and think this through.In ... two ... three ...
Out... two ... three ...
And suddenly, her mind cleared. Daniel was waiting for her in Vermont. This meant that the hat in the woods
really was a coincidence. He wasn't still on campus. He didn't know what she had been doing. Which meant
that she could still fix this. She could still turn back and make this all okay.
Ariana took in another breath of icy morning air and held it,
102
staring out at the gray early morning light. She had never seen campus from this angle before. She'd been in
Ketlar plenty of times, but always on the other side of the building, where Daniel's sloppy disaster of a room
was located. She thought of all those nights he'd helped her sneak past Mr. Cross, the Ketlar Hall advisor.
How he always let her wear his favorite, worn Harvard sweatshirt when she got cold. How warm and cozy she
always felt when they cuddled while watching movies on his laptop. How he always walked her back to
Billings no matter what time it was, risking getting caught every time.
Maybe it wasn't exhilarating and dangerous like the last fourteen hours with Thomas had been, but it was her
life. The life she was supposed to have. The life her mother wanted for her. Thomas Pearson could not be part
&
nbsp; of that life.
"Something wrong, naughty girl?" Thomas asked, walking to the window and snaking his arms around her
from behind.
Cold, dark rage instantly overcame her. The arms that had made her feel so safe moments ago suddenly
burned her skin.
"Let go of me," she snapped, ripping herself away from him.
Thomas took a step back, startled, but Ariana barely noticed. Her mind was racing off on a horrible tangent
and she couldn't stop it. She was dirt. She was nothing. She wasn't worthy of Daniel Ryan. Look what she'd
done to him. Look where she was while he was waiting for her in Vermont. Look who she was with. Ariana
grabbed her sweater off the extra bed and clutched it in both hands, twisting it into a spiral. Daniel would die
if he knew.
Guilt crashed down on her in merciless waves. Each time she tried to catch her breath, another swept over her,
dragging her under. She
103
doubled over, gasping for air, fighting the bile that surged from her stomach to the back of her throat. Tears
stung her eyes.
"Ariana, what's wrong?" Thomas reached out and rested his hand on her back.
She jerked away. "Don't touch me!"
"Sorry." A surprised look passed over Thomas's face, and he held his hands up in surrender.
"I have to go. I have to shower."
She felt so dirty. So awful she could hardly stand to be in her own skin.
"Okay. Okay, fine. I'll come with you and show you where the-"
"No!" Ariana whirled on him. What did he think they were going to do, shower together? She couldn't
believe he was still coming on to her. Couldn't this guy take a hint? "I'm not showering with you. I have to
get out of here. I have to get away from you."
Ariana sat and yanked her boots on, angry tears spilling down her cheeks.
"Okay. What the hell just happened here?" Thomas demanded.
Ariana looked up at him. He was still shirtless. Standing there in his boxers. Disgusted, Ariana looked away
and shoved her hair behind her shoulders.
"What just happened is, I woke up. I realized what I'm doing, how wrong this is," she spat. "I'm going to
Vermont. I'm going to be with Daniel. This was a mistake."
Thomas's face was saturated with confusion. Ariana felt a new wave of guilt, but she couldn't let him get to
her. He was not important. Not anymore. She had to focus.
Daniel... Daniel is the one I need.
104
"Fine." In an instant, Thomas's face hardened and he took a step back toward the bed. "Good luck getting out
of here in this weather. And try not to get caught. If I'm gonna get a third strike, it's not gonna be for you."
"What?" Ariana blurted. She stood and snatched up her coat and bag.
"You're not the only one who has something to lose here," Thomas yelled, yanking a long-sleeved T-shirt on
over his head. "I'm not gonna get expelled just because Easton's resident prude wanted to use me for the
lamest walk on the wild side ever."
Without even thinking, Ariana slapped Thomas clean across the face. Then, while he was still standing there,
stunned, she turned and stormed out of his room, slamming the door behind her. Her palm stung from the
contact as she hurried down the hallway and into the stairwell, fumbling with her phone. Daniel's cell went
right to voice mail. Ariana took a deep breath and concentrated on sounding chipper.
"Daniel, hi. I'm so sorry. I got caught in this stupid storm, but I'm doing everything I can to get there. I'll see
you soon." She took the stairs two at a time, but she wasn't breathing. If she breathed he would hear that she
was upset. "I love you," she added quickly.
Then she burst out into the cold, gasping for air. Wind whipped past her, nearly knocking her off her feet as
icy snow pelted her face. But the frigid air cleared away everything else and Ariana started to feel in control
again. It was okay. It was all going to be okay.
Her moment of insanity was over.
105
NOT SORRY
***Lukewarm water spilled from the showerhead over Ariana's smooth, pale skin. She'd been so desperate to
get away from Thomas that she had almost used her electronic key to enter Billings through the front door,
then remembered at the last second that she wasn't supposed to be on campus, and that security would be
alerted if someone tried to enter any dorm other than Drake. Cursing herself for nearly messing up so badly,
she had trudged around to the back and used Mrs. Lat-timer's key to get in through the rear door. Noelle had
had the key made at the beginning of the semester, in anticipation of the many times she wouldn't make it
back to Billings in time for curfew. She kept it wedged behind one of the wrought iron sconces that
illuminated the back entrance. Ariana was the only other person on campus who knew about the key, but
she'd never had to use it. Until now.
Exhausted, she leaned against the frosted glass shower door. The large sea foam green bathroom tiles were
usually calming, usually
106
made the shower feel like a spa-her own small oasis. But today they just seemed hard and cold. She flinched
as the water temperature dipped, then rose again. She knew that it didn't matter how long she stood under the
water. The guilt would be impossible to rinse away.
She had to believe that it wasn't too late to fix things. If she could just get to Vermont, everything would be
fine. She would remember that she loved Daniel, and why. Remember all the sweet things he had done for her
in their year together.
And there had been so many. As she worked her coconut-scented shampoo through her tangled hair, she
smiled at the memory of her birthday last spring. Daniel had shown up at her door in jeans and a T-shirt,
holding a bottle of Clos du Mesnil. They'd taken a car to Manhattan, where he'd surprised her with a private
literary tour of the West Village. They roamed the quaint streets together, exploring her favorite American
authors' haunts. Shared a bottle of red wine in a tiny, poorly lit bar overlooking Washington Square, where
Henry James was said to have struggled through The Wings of the Dove. Downed a tall mug of dark beer at
Chumley's, where she could almost feel the ghosts of Fitzgerald and Hemingway in the next booth over. For
an entire afternoon, she'd been transported to a place where she didn't have to worry about her family, or
making good grades, or keeping Paige Ryan happy so she would get a bid at Billings. She could lose herself
in another time, in the stories she loved so much. And Daniel had done it all for her. Because he loved her.
He showed it every day, in the way he was so protective of her. Like that thing with Sergei the other night.
Like ...
107
Suddenly the memory of that awful night back in August came rushing back to Ariana and her eyes popped
open. She didn't want to remember what Daniel had done that night, but the images came back in full color
nonetheless. All the Billings Girls and their boyfriends had been hanging out in the woods, a last gathering
before classes started. Ariana was snuggled against Daniel in front of the fire, sipping a beer, when she felt his
body tense beside her. He'd accused one of Dash's buddies from home of staring at Ariana, and just like that,
Daniel had snapped.
Ariana squeezed her eyes closed again and braced her hand against the wall, trying to block it out, bu
t she
couldn't. She heard the crack as the guy was slammed back against a tree. The sick, dull thud of Daniel's fists
as they hit him again and again. The pathetic pleading, over and over and over again.
Please, man... I didn't mean anything... please stop....Finally, Dash had dragged Daniel off and helped his
friend back to his car, but everyone else had acted as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Paige had
shrugged it off with a roll of her eyes and a "That's my brother." Even Noelle had seemed impressed that
Daniel would go so far to protect his territory.
His territory. Me, Ariana thought.
Her skin prickled with heat even as the water turned colder. She had to get out of the shower before she got
pneumonia. As she grasped the shower nozzle and turned it all the way to the left, the sound of screeching
pipes echoed in the bathroom, but the water temperature didn't change. Ariana held her breath and ducked
108
under the chilly spray, combing the shampoo out of her hair with her fingers.
Something caught her ear and Ariana froze. Had she just heard a creak, or was she imagining things? Out of
the corner of her eye, she saw a shadow slip by. She grabbed her arm, anxiously digging her fingernails into
her flesh.
"Hello? Thomas? Is that you?"
Nothing. But she was sure someone was there. Who was it? Was some random person watching her? For a
long moment, Ariana didn't move. She simply held her breath and listened. There was nothing. It was her
imagination. She was seeing things.
Then, another creak. Ariana turned off the icy cold water.
"Hello?" she called. The word hovered in the air a moment after she'd spoken. "Is someone there?"
Silence.
She opened the shower door a crack. The bathroom was empty. Single drops of water were falling slowly
from the porcelain sink. But it had been dripping earlier, too, right? And everything was in its place: Noelle's
cubby stocked with shampoo, loofahs, and expensive clay facial masques; Ariana's electric toothbrush; her
towel, draped over the bench just outside the shower door. She blinked. Strange. She could have sworn she'd
hung it on the door hook. She always hung it on the hook.
She shook her head. It was just her imagination. That was all. She was in Billings, alone, for the first time,
and it was creeping her out. She'd obviously been rushed and upset and put her clothes in a different place.
Not a big deal. She exhaled a shaky sigh of relief and reached for her towel.
109
Suddenly, the door to the bathroom swung open. Ariana screamed.
"Perfect timing," Thomas Pearson said with a leer.
"Thomas!" Ariana screeched, wrapping the towel around her as tightly as possible. "You scared the shit out of
me!"
Oh my God, Thomas Pearson just saw me naked. Completely. Naked.
His features contorted, like he was trying to keep a straight face. There was snow in his hair and his cheeks
had turned adorably pink from the cold. "Sorry. I mean, sorry I scared you. Not that I saw you naked. Just to
be clear."
"That's not funny." She closed the door again, putting the foggy glass between the two of them, and huddled
in the corner to take a breath, hand to her chest. "What are you doing here?"
Thomas walked into the bathroom. She could hear him rifling through the medicine cabinet over the sink.
"Just wanted to give you a chance to apologize. You know, for being such a bitch."
Ariana froze as she toweled off her hair. There was a casual tone in his voice. He was joking. Now that she'd
had a chance to cool off, she felt the humiliation of her overreaction back in his room, and decided to follow
his lead. Pretend it was no big deal.
"Why didn't you answer when I said your name?" she asked.
There was a pause. "What do you mean? I just got here."
"But I just heard you a few minutes ago," she protested. "You were in the bathroom." She secured the towel
around her and opened the door. Thomas looked genuinely confused. Ariana's heart thumped with fear. "You
