“Well, it wasn’t me.” I rubbed my arm and considered. “Look, maybe we’re just too on edge right now. Let’s save this for later.”
“You always say ‘later’ these days then never do.” Her face fell into stubborn lines I recognized. She wasn’t going to let this go.
I huffed out a short sigh of irritation. “Fine. How about this? I’m sick and tired of feeling scared and angry and confused. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger’s face. I hate the way it feels when this creepy hand Laurent gave me seems to have a mind of its own—”
“What’s it doing—”
She interrupted me but I plowed on. “—but it might be useful if I can ever figure it out. Which also makes me feel like a complete idiot. As does watching everyone around me so excited with their powers while I’m having trouble controlling my own.“
Sara’s face showed her concern. “What kind of trouble?”
“My arm doesn’t feel like mine anymore and neither does any other part of me.”
“Well, maybe you should take off the hand.”
“Right. Sure. Easy answer. I didn’t even want it but now that I have it ...”
I shook my head, lost for a way to explain to someone who’d never had to struggle. Someone who’d only known what it was like to be pretty and whole her entire life. She’d never woken up one day in a completely new body. And while she was used to men staring at her with desire, I wasn’t. I still pulled my hair over my face when they did, thinking they were staring at my scars. I often forgot. It was still surreal.
“Phoebe, I’m sorry this is so frustrating for you, but you still have me. You can still talk to me,” she pleaded.
“Can I? When, Sara? When you aren’t playing kissy-face with Caleb, which is like, never.”
Her face reddened. “That’s not fair!”
“Yeah, right. Every time I turn around, you two are snuggled up together.” I sounded horrible even to my own ears. It was harsh and unfair but I couldn’t make myself stop.
“It was that way in Arizona, too. He just showed up and you forgot all about why we were supposed to be there. Then, just as fast, you forgot about him and cozied up to Ammon.” Ignoring her gasp of outrage, I continued. “And then what happened? Your boyfriends nearly got us all killed fighting over you. You nearly died, and so did Nathan and I. Then he and I were kidnapped and put through hell, and now Nathan and Nadia have lost their minds and Allie and Laurent are being held captive!”
Tears streamed down her face. “My God, Phoebe, are you blaming me for all that? That’s insane!”
“Yeah, well, maybe I’ve gone as crazy as Nathan. I don’t even know who, or what, I am anymore. At least you have Caleb to help you through it, huh? Dear, sweet Caleb who will do anything for you. Even sacrifice Nathan and me. We’re expendable, right?”
Sara’s head shook and her body trembled. “That’s not true! We went back for you. You asked him to save me! You don’t know how I’ve suffered thinking what you’ve been through. And you don’t know because you don’t let me in!”
Bile twisted through my gut. I’d gone too far. Not only did I not recognize myself physically, I couldn’t stand what I was becoming mentally and emotionally. Maybe I really had lost my mind.
Could the blue flames have changed me so drastically?
Weariness slammed against my shoulders as I had a sudden realization. Sara had been through the same flames and she hadn’t changed. The only new thing was that she had finally admitted to loving Caleb, which was something I’d known—and previously approved of—before she’d ever admitted it to herself.
“I’m sorry. Sara, I ...” Pausing, I swallowed. “Please, just leave it.”
When I hurried out of the room, she didn’t follow.
I ran down the long halls, my feet carrying me to Nathan’s room before I was aware of it. I pressed my forehead against the door, the metal cool and soothing against my skin. I listened for a moment, trying to detect any motion or sound behind the door. A long, low moan drifted to me and I didn’t bother to knock. I keyed in the code and went in.
Chapter Five
ALLIE
Late November
Arizona
Laurent sat on the edge of the bed, eyes vacant and shoulders hunched. Where was that domineering jerk I’d met before?
“Hey, you,” I said. His gaze lifted to mine but showed no response or sign of recognition.
Treading softly, I made my way to his bed, our eyes locked even when I sat beside him. He didn’t appear afraid of me, though really, why would he? I was pretty much useless here in terms of causing any harm to anyone but myself. Az and Liang had been taking good care of Mia and me—if you can call holding us hostage, care—but they’d been stingy on the self-defense training they’d promised.
I nudged Laurent’s arm with mine and pulled out a biscuit from the napkin I held. Handing it to him, I asked, “Remember when we met?”
He blinked, looked at the biscuit.
I pulled out another, tore off a piece and put it in my mouth. He followed suit, still watching me as he chewed.
“Anyway, as I was saying, do you remember when we met?” I asked around the biscuit in my mouth. I swallowed then continued. “I thought you were such a big bully. But I guess me walking into Midnight Ink smelling like a wharf at high noon probably didn’t make such a good impression, huh?”
Blink. Chew. Dribble crumbs.
“Now look at you,” I sighed. Pulling a clean napkin from another pocket, I reached toward his face.
He flinched and glared.
“Well, don’t be so messy.” I handed him the napkin, and to my relief, he cleaned his face. Gave me hope some of him might still be in there.
“Nice to see you almost have manners. Still missing some, but then, you probably weren’t real big on them anyway, from what I recall.”
Darn. No response. I’d hoped pricking at his pride might work, since he’d been offended by my attempt to clean his face.
“Of course, I was pretty naïve back then, too. You know, back before I found out there were a bunch of murderous lunatics running around—other than my step-family, that is—as well as this whole other weird-ass world.” I gestured to our surroundings. “Oh, and not to mention that I must be older than fuck.”
That little tidbit had actually only occurred to me recently. My mind must have shut down in self-defense for a while. “Seriously, big guy. You and your crazy brother are what, like ten million years old. So how old does that make me?”
Blink.
Heaving a sigh, I wiped crumbs off my lap. “Guess I should ask Liang. I don’t even know my real birthdate.” My fingers twisted together, seeking comfort from one another. “Not sure I want to know, to tell you the truth.”
As I looked at my hands, one of his came into view and covered my own. My eyes flashed to his face but he looked ahead, profile toward me. We were sitting like that when Az walked in.
Laurent stiffened beside me but didn’t remove his hand. I forced myself to stay still. Jumping up would have made it look as if I were hiding something.
Azkuran’s face mottled, his gold eyes blazed. “What is the meaning of this? You said you were resting. And where is Liang?” His words came out in a rushed hiss.
“I did rest, briefly, then it occurred to me Laurent might be hungry. Besides, I think it’s Thanksgiving,” I said, sounding lame to my own ears.
“What has any of that to do with you? Especially the human holiday.” He slashed a hand through the air in dismissal. “Your soft heart is your weakness, Alison. I’d hoped you were getting beyond such sentimentality.”
I leapt to my feet. “I’d hardly call it sentimental to feed my uncle.” Az’s eyes narrowed but I continued. “In fact, I’d call it familial duty, wouldn’t you?”
“Your duty is to me. And your daughter,” he said. A threat slithered over his words, chilling my spine. “Or had you forgotten?”
“I’ve forgotten nothing,”
I said stiffly. “We,” I gestured between us, “promised to try to become a real family. You promised me that. Visiting your brother only helps us work toward that goal. Starving him does not.”
My birth father’s face trembled along the edges and I feared going too far. He skirted on unhinged. Gentling my stance and tone, I reached out a hand in supplication. “Please. I’m only trying to help.”
He stood stiff and silent for several moments. I held his gaze, not daring to look behind me. After several breaths he nodded curtly. “Fine. But from now on, you will have a guard or Liang with you at all times.”
Shit. I nodded even as my heart sank. And here I thought we were bonding so well.
“Go. I need to check his vitals.”
Steps leaden, I moved toward the door while Azkuran watched. Looking back before passing through, I noticed Laurent’s eyes locked on his brother’s back. Fury burned brightly before his gaze switched to me and went neutral again. Something must have shown on my face because Az turned swiftly toward Laurent then back to me.
“What?” he demanded.
“Okay, okay, I’m leaving,” I said, deliberately misunderstanding. I hurried out the door but he came after me.
Grabbing my arm, he pulled me to a stop. “What did you see?”
“I don’t know what you mean?”
“Your face. You looked surprised.” He gave my arm a tug.
“I don’t know. I guess I was just surprised by how angry you were over nothing.”
“Your betrayal is not nothing,” he said.
“What betrayal?” I was weirdly hurt by the accusation. Sure, I didn’t trust him and would choose the Mutts over the Awakened any time, but we were still family. A fucked-up, mixed-up family, but the only blood relatives I had at the moment.
Moisture burned my eyes. “I didn’t betray anyone.”
His posture softened. “Fine,” he sighed. “Go.”
I scrambled away while I still could.
Chapter Six
NATHAN
Late November
Chicago
More pain. it never ends. Bones breaking, skin tearing.
Drowning, endless suffocation.
Screaming silently around the tube in my mouth as liquid fills my eyes, my nose, bubbling in my ears. No one hears. No one ever sees.
“Nathan.”
Soft. Then urgent.
“Nathan!”
I lurch toward the voice only to fall back as the restraints on my wrists keep me in the bed. My eyes search for the sound, the touch that pulled me from the nightmare.
There. That one. Familiar, but not.
Her eyes are sad. I want to comfort. Can’t find a way.
She touches my hand and my fingers find hers.
I close my eyes and she walks away.
Come back! Save me! But those words don’t come.
Only a whisper as the door closes.
“I’m sorry.”
Chapter Seven
PHOEBE
Day after Thanksgiving
Chicago
Too much mulled wine. The pounding headache, roiling nausea, general malaise. It had to be the wine. It couldn’t have been because I was the worst of hypocrites, blaming Sara for liking Caleb when I was unusually interested in Nathan’s welfare. Nathan, who tried to sacrifice Sara for me.
I was only interested in fixing Nathan so we could use him to rescue the others.
Holding onto that thought, I stalked toward the box atop the dorm room dresser and scowled as if it had insulted my mother. After lifting the lid, I gingerly took out the prosthetic hand.
In a real love-hate relationship, that hand and I. Sometimes, I could have sworn it had a mind of its own. Always knew what I was thinking. I carefully carried it to the bed and laid it next to my coat. Considering Laurent had it specially designed for me—using who-knew-what technology and magic—it was possible the thing did know what I was thinking. It responded immediately to my thoughts. Well, most of my thoughts.
At times, it was stubborn as I was.
The first time I’d tried it on was a couple of weeks after I’d stayed behind in Arizona. It had been difficult to accept the gift then. If someone had given me something like it years ago, I would have been over the moon. As it was, it just felt too little, too late.
And one more change in a sea of changes. I was so ready for a new normal.
I focused on the benefits to tamp down my ambivalence. I could swear the thing knew when I wasn’t feeling it and refused to go on easily if I didn’t give it some love. Bracing myself, I slid the material of the compression cup over my wrist then attached the hand. It snapped into place perfectly, warming and molding to my arm, the fingers flexing on their own.
Unnerved me every time.
I pictured rotating my wrist and it responded. Flexed the fingers differently at my mental command. “So, here’s how it’s going to go today, if you please,” I spoke, glad I didn’t share a room. “I need to practice magic, so I need you to behave.”
The fingers wriggled. God, it was so weird. But I needed all the help I could get to master my magic and rescue my friends. Once those things were done, I’d figure out the rest of my life. And whether it included a seemingly-sentient artificial hand.
At that thought, the hand clenched.
Great. It was going to pout. “Look, let’s just try to take this one day at a time, shall we? We’re only dating. We can talk LTR when the time comes, okay?”
I heaved a sigh of relief when the fingers uncurled. “Good girl.”
Nia was waiting for me outside. The main training facility had been moved again; this time, beyond the city to a heavily warded location in Podunk, Middle of Nowhereville west of Chicago. I worried for Gabe every time he went into the city to take care of business, but it was probably unnecessary. He and Laurent had managed to keep the Awakened from their door for years, though how, I didn’t know. But it had to be powerful magic.
Magic I wanted to learn.
Excitement burned away my discontent. I hurried across the semi-frozen field to where Nia stood. My jaw dropped when I saw her warming her hands over a small fire suspended in mid-air.
“Oh, wow. Can you teach me that?”
Her eyes searched my face. “If you behave yourself.”
My brow flicked in confusion and I tried to smile. “Umn, okay?” I squirmed under her steady gaze. After a beat, she nodded.
“Good,” she said briskly. “Show me what you’ve got.”
Over the next thirty minutes I showed her one anemic fireball—more of a flicker, really—a not-too-shabby bit of levitation of some nearby leaves, and redeemed myself just a hint with a rather impressive lightning strike.
Too bad it struck a tree that toppled close to our heads.
Nia’s full lips pulled south. “I see we’ve got more work to do.”
I tilted my neck to relieve the tension knotting there. “Hey, I’m still new at this. That’s why we’re here.” Gah, was that a whine? Blowing out a breath of frustration, I flexed my hands. The borrowed one felt like a horse at the starting gate, raring to go. “Tell me what to do,” I said.
I’d been talking to Nia but the prosthetic hand lifted and shot a stream of fire toward the fallen pine. Nia and I both yelped.
“What was that?” she snapped, her voice accusing as if I’d been trying to scare her.
“I don’t know! It just takes off on its own sometimes, but that’s the first time something like that has happened,” I said, pointing at the smoldering wood with my other hand.
She approached me cautiously, eyes glued to my Laurent Special. The life-like fingers flexed, and whereas moments ago it had felt triumphant, now I could have sworn it was embarrassed. What the hell had Laurent given me? I scrambled to remove it, but Nia stopped me.
“No, let me see.” She held my elbow with one hand and gingerly lifted the prosthesis with her other. “Can you make a fist for me?”
I hesitated. What if I pun
ched her by mistake? “Not sure I should,” I confessed.
The fake wrist vibrated and she let go. Wary concern shone in her dark eyes. “Is there anyone you trust? Someone you could talk to about how you’re feeling?”
To my mortification, tears stung my eyes. All the loneliness of the past year crashed around me. Heck, more like the isolation of most of my life. Who could I talk to now? Sara had been my main confessor and I didn’t know how to breach the divide between us. A divide mainly of my own making, and one I wasn’t ready to cross.
Apart from Sara, there had been Allie. And Caleb.
And Nathan, in those innocent days at school before the crap hit the fan.
Gabe had been there for me the past several months, but I still didn’t feel I knew him well enough to burden him further with my issues.
Nia’s gaze softened. “Listen to me, whatever is going on with you and Sara, you need to fix it. For all our sakes. I see you have power in you, but if you don’t get your emotions under control, that power can turn against you and everyone you care for. And I don’t believe you want that.”
I blinked furiously and sniffed. “Right,” I said stiffly. “In the meantime, maybe you can teach me to put out this fire. The smoke is bothering my eyes.”
She chuckled softly and took the hand I’d been born with. She pointed it toward the fire and spoke in a low tone. “Close your eyes and take a deep breath.”
I lowered my lids and inhaled the scent of burning pine and cool air. It was surprisingly soothing, a holiday-like scent. I breathed again, feeling my shoulders loosen.
“That’s good,” Nia whispered. “Now picture the water meeting the flames, drifting over them and gently putting them down.”
In an instant, I was the water and the flame. The earth and the air, in all places and all time. I opened my eyes as the water and flame met, hissing and falling into the earth.
Yes!
My other hand shot into the air and let loose a torrent of water that rained over our patch of the field, soaking not only the flames but Nia and me as well. Laughing, she ran away from the field. “Girl, you have got to get yourself under control,” she called over her shoulder.
Reset: Part 1 (The Awakening Book 4) Page 3
