Without waiting for his response, I went inside, shutting the door firmly behind me. My heart was racing as though I'd just run a marathon, and I felt like I might start crying, over Lino or over Christian, I couldn't even say.
I slumped down in the massage room, pressing the heels of my hands against my closed eyes. The thing was, I couldn't help thinking that maybe I should give Lino another chance. He was there, and I knew that Christian wasn't coming back. If love was just about sharing a life together, Lino and I could share a life together just as easily as Christian and I could; couldn't we?
Chapter Thirty-Three
Christian
Two weeks later, I was still struggling to get my head back on things at work. I was doing everything that I needed to do. But it seemed to be three times as much work as it ever had been before. Usually, I got home in the evenings, downed a few glasses of scotch, and passed out on the couch with my suit still on. It was starting to show in the bags beneath my eyes.
“So, obviously, Christian's appearance on the second edition of International Dream Homes is going to help boost our stocks, but beyond that, we've got to think big,” Alex said, droning on.
“I like the idea of doing something that we've never done before,” George said. “It seems like every year, we open up with a big advertising campaign, and although that always seems to work a little bit, it still seems like we could be doing more. What if we…”
I tuned him out, doodling aimlessly on the edge of my meeting brief until Paul reached over and caught my wrist, stilling it firmly.
I frowned, feeling like a schoolchild who has been scolded, but I knew that he was right. I needed to give at least the appearance of paying attention. George and Alex had been growing warmer toward me since I'd managed to still keep out of the news over the past couple weeks, but that didn't mean that I was out of hot water just yet. Especially when we were talking about something as sensitive as stocks, I should be showing them how invested I was in this company's future, rather than doodling pictures of Gretchen dancing the hula.
I blushed a little, realizing just what I'd been doing, and scribbled over the image.
Fortunately, the meeting didn't last that much longer. George finally clapped his hands, seemingly satisfied with whatever it was that they'd decided regarding marketing, I didn't remember, and he and Alex got to their feet. Paul reached over to catch my wrist again, signaling that he wanted to have a little talk with me.
I sighed once the door shut behind the other two business owners. “Sorry,” I said to Paul. “I know I should have been paying attention. Consider me chastised. Can I go now?”
“Hey,” Paul said, frowning at me. “You probably should have been paying a little better attention, or at least, not making it so obvious that you were nowhere near paying attention. But I'm more…” He paused. “I'm concerned about you, Christian. Are you feeling okay? Did something happen while you were on your trip? You haven't seemed like yourself since you've been back.”
“Thought I wasn't supposed to be acting like myself,” I said sullenly, even though I knew that wasn't what he meant. “After all, the whole reason you all sent me away was because you didn't want to deal with me acting like myself.”
“Christian,” Paul said chidingly, and I sighed.
“I know,” I said quietly. I ran my finger over the edge of the scribble, still faintly able to make out the image of Gretchen that I'd been doodling. “There was this girl, in Hawaii.”
“Just one?” Paul asked, arching an eyebrow at him. He grimaced, looking chagrined, when I gave him a flat look. “Sorry, I shouldn't have said that,” he said. “Tell me about this girl.”
“Her name's Gretchen,” I told him. “She's a masseuse. And she's beautiful. And interesting.” I laughed a little, hoping the sound didn't come off as sad to Paul as it did to my own ears. “I don't know the last time I dated someone interesting.”
“I don't know the last time you dated someone,” Paul said, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips.
I shook my head. “Yeah, I know. But it's just that she was something special.”
“But what, you didn't make plans to kidnap her back to New York with you? You weren't able to woo her away from the island?”
“I didn't even try,” I admitted. “Her whole life is there. And she is so not the kind of woman who you find here in New York. She's warm, and she's sensual. God, you should see the way she dances. And she laughs. And-”
“Christian,” Paul interrupted, narrowing his eyes thoughtfully at me. “Are you sure that you still want to be here in New York?”
His words hit me like a slug to the gut. I ducked my head a little, wanting to hate how easily he had seen through me, but also secretly grateful that I hadn't had to voice the question myself. “I'm not sure,” I admitted. “I love this job, I do. And my life is here, just the same way that her life is there. I'm not the kind of guy who can just do nothing with his life. I wouldn't last a year in Hawaii. I probably wouldn't even last six months. And then what would I do, once I'd left the business and…you know?”
“You'd find a hobby, maybe?” Paul suggested. “I know that's a novel concept for you since all your time has always been taken up with work and women, but most people have things that they like doing.” He grinned at me.
I sighed and shook my head. “I honestly wouldn't even know where to start with finding a hobby,” I admitted. “I know that that sounds stupid, but-”
“You'd probably enjoy sports,” Paul said. “And I'm sure there are all sorts of swimming and volleyball and soccer leagues in Hawaii since the weather is always so nice. Or cycling, maybe? And with all of your knowledge in interior design and homes and everything, maybe you'd like-”
“Okay, okay,” I interrupted, holding up a hand to cut him off before he could list off every possible hobby that I might be interested in. “I know, there are options out there. But all the same.” I ran a hand back through my hair. “I'd have to do work, right? And something tells me that real estate ventures in Hawaii are somewhat limited. I don't want to work in the vacation rentals business, and anyway, it would be too much of a commute for me to get from Hawaii to anywhere else if I worked for a big company like Sunrise. So-”
“You could just retire,” Paul suggested.
I snorted. “I'm not old enough for that yet.”
“Think about it,” Paul said, shaking his head though. “You have enough money saved up that you could retire now and live comfortably for the rest of your life on your savings, even if you ended up having kids or whatever else. Hell, you could comfortably retire here in New York for the rest of your life, and I'm sure a house in Hawaii costs the same, if not less than that ridiculous penthouse suite that you've got at the moment.”
I frowned and then shook my head. I didn't even want to start considering it. I shook my head again. “It doesn't matter, anyway,” I told him, thumbing the design once more. “I fucked things up when I was leaving. I didn't tell her I was going, I just…”
“Pulled a Christian Wall,” Paul said, shaking his head. “Look, why don't you go home for the rest of the afternoon and see if maybe you can get a little sleep?” he suggested. “Don't think I haven't realized how exhausted you are lately. Guessing that this Gretchen girl is the reason you haven't been sleeping well lately?” I frowned, and he held up a hand. “You don't have to answer that. But seriously. Go home. Think about it.”
I frowned when I entered my front hall and found another pair of shoes in the middle of the hall, shoes that weren't mine. I took a couple of careful steps into the apartment and nearly had a heart attack when Jeff materialized at the end of the hallway.
“Sorry, bro,” he said, grimacing as he saw my expression. “Wasn't trying to scare you. The doorman let me in when I showed him my ID and said I was your brother.”
“I'm going to have to have a talk with him,” I said, shaking my head.
“What, you aren't happy to see me?” Jeff asked. There was a
guarded look to his eyes and something dark in his tone.
“It's not that,” I said. “You just scared me, that's all.”
“I didn't expect you to be home this soon,” Jeff said, peering at me. “Are you sick or something?”
I shrugged awkwardly and headed into the kitchen to make something for lunch and grab a beer or something. “Paul sent me home for the day,” I admitted.
“Really?” Jeff asked, sounding surprised. “I thought they would be happy to have you back. Haven't even seen you in the papers lately or anything.”
“Yeah, no, they're glad to have me back,” I said absently, pulling out things to make a sandwich. “You hungry?”
“Nah, I'm good,” Jeff said. I could practically hear him puzzling out the things that I wasn't saying. “Are you happy to be back?”
I paused for a long moment and then shrugged carefully. “This job is my life,” I told him.
“That doesn't mean you're happy,” Jeff pointed out sagely.
“I'm happy,” I said. “I've missed this place, and…” I frowned.
“You miss Hawaii more than you've missed this place?” Jeff prodded.
“I miss Gretchen,” I admitted. “It's stupid because she was just some girl, but...”
“Oh, don't try and tell me that,” Jeff said, shaking his head. “She wasn't 'just some girl' to you. I could tell that from the first time I ran into the two of you on the beach there. And I don't even know you all that well anymore.”
I sighed and scrubbed a hand over my face. “It doesn't matter anyway,” I told him, the same thing that I'd told Paul. “I fucked up. We got into a big fight on New Year's Eve, a little while before midnight, and the next morning, I just left. I didn't even tell her goodbye. I didn't even tell her that I was going to be leaving. She knew that I was going to be leaving at some point, but I didn't tell her when.”
“Yikes, man,” Jeff said, hopping up to sit on one of the barstools. “Sounds like you've made things difficult for yourself.”
“They're not just difficult,” I snapped. “I've totally ruined things.”
Jeff was silent for a long moment, and then he shook his head. “You probably thought the same with me, didn't you?” he finally said, his voice quiet and reflective. “But look at us now.”
I stared blankly at him. “You're saying you think I should, what, fly back to Hawaii and just tell Gretchen I'm sorry? Even if I did that, we wouldn't be able to stay together. Her life is there, and mine here.”
“Yours doesn't seem to be giving you a lot of satisfaction here in New York,” Jeff said, shrugging a little. “Obviously, I'm no shrink, but I can't help but wonder if that lack of fulfillment is exactly what's been causing you to go totally off the rails for the past few years.”
I scowled at him. “Yeah, yeah. Come on. I don't want you sitting in my kitchen giving me a lecture about it.”
“I'm not trying to give you a lecture,” Jeff said soothingly. “I'm just trying to tell you that you'll never know if you've totally ruined things unless you ask.”
I frowned and then took a big bite out of my sandwich, hoping he would realize that I was done with this conversation. “So, what's up with you anyway?” I asked once I had chewed and swallowed. Fortunately, Jeff let me change the subject, telling me all about the conference he was going to be taking part in that weekend.
I half-listened. I couldn't help thinking about what he'd said before, about how I wouldn't know unless I asked.
He was right.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Gretchen
“Ooh,” Mina said when I came to work on Wednesday morning. “That's a cute dress, is that new?”
I blushed a little and ran my hands down the purple material. “Yeah,” I admitted. “I did a little retail therapy on my day off.”
Mina laughed. “Not something that I ever really thought I'd hear from you, but I'm glad,” she said. “Even though I'm pretty bummed that I was working and couldn't join you.”
I smiled at her. “Some other time, maybe. But I'm feeling better now, anyway.”
“You look better,” Mina said, eyeing me closely. “You either got a new foundation that works well, or you've gone back to sleeping like a normal person.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I slept well last night,” I admitted. I shrugged. “Slowly but surely, I'm getting over him.”
“Good,” Mina said, nodding at me. “I hate seeing you so sad.”
“Yeah. I think I might even start dating again.”
Mina blinked. “Oh, really?” she asked, sounding surprised. “You have your eye on someone, or is that an invitation to a wild night out next weekend?”
I shook my head. “Have my eye on someone,” I told her. I paused. “I'm thinking of asking Lino out on a date this weekend.”
If it was possible, Mina looked even more shocked. “Do you think that's a good idea?” she asked slowly.
I shrugged. “He came by the shop to see me the other day,” I told her. “He said that he's starting to realize exactly what he missed out on. He said that he's grown up a little. And he reminded me that the miscarriage was just as hard on him as it was on me. I don't know why I've never really thought about that before, but-”
“Hmm, maybe because he didn't act like he cared one way or another about the miscarriage?” Mina asked sarcastically. “Oh wait, no, that's not true. He was relieved that you had miscarried the baby. He never wanted that kid, and you know it.”
I sighed. “Look, Lino and I could have a great life together, I think. He loves me, and I love him. Maybe not in that perfect, Hollywood-style love, maybe not like the characters of those stupid romance novels that I always read. But all relationships have their ups and downs, and there's no reason just to get rid of a relationship because you had a little difficulty once. Lino and I have both moved on, and I think that he's matured, just like he said.”
“And did he come right out and say that he was sorry?” Mina asked, still sounding angry. She rolled her eyes at my guilty expression. “Of course, he didn't,” she said, throwing her hands in the air. “Look, I want to be happy for you, Gretchen, and I'm glad that you think you're already ready to move on after Christian. But this seems like a total rebound move, and I don't want Lino to end up hurting you again. I remember what it was like last time, and-”
“If I want to date Lino, that's my choice,” I interrupted.
“Of course, it is,” Mina said, her voice going soft. “You know I would never try to tell you not to date a guy. I'm just trying to remind you that despite what Lino says about how mature he's gotten, he still has yet to apologize to you for the way he handled the news that you were pregnant and the way that he handled the miscarriage.”
“We all handle grief in different ways,” I said. “I can't blame him for that.”
Mina sighed. “You have too big of a heart,” she said, shaking her head. “Of course, you don't blame him for that. I just want you to be careful, okay? Don't go getting in over your head.”
“I won't,” I promised, even though I knew, somewhere deep down, that whenever Lino was concerned, I was already in too deep, given our history. But still, he might be my only remaining chance to have a husband. I'd just have to be careful and make sure I didn't get pregnant this time.
I felt a pang inside me at that thought. I'd always imagined having kids and teaching them to surf, taking them for walks along the beach, teaching them all the secrets of this beautiful island, having them grow up loving it as much as I did. I knew that Lino didn't want kids, and I knew that if I married him, I was never going to have kids. That wasn't even up for discussion. I didn't even know if I could bring myself to want to conceive with him after the way that he'd reacted to the news of my pregnancy before.
But still, a life with Lino was better than a life spent alone. And I knew that there was no way I was ever going to see Christian again. If the one guy I could ever love refused to be in my life, then I'd just have to make do.
&n
bsp; My appointment that day was younger, a girl in her twenties who was just there on a weeklong trip with some of her friends. “Jessica's dad booked it for us, as a Christmas gift for her,” she told me, laughing a little. “My parents don't have that kind of money, so I feel kind of weird being here, but it wasn't like I was going to say no!”
“That's a pretty special friend,” I said, smiling. “Hawaii's a beautiful place, especially at this time of year when it's not too hot and humid!”
“Oh, it's so beautiful,” Andrea agreed. She shook her head. “You're so lucky that you live here. I can't even imagine. Going to the beaches every day, gorging on fresh fruit shakes, doing yoga, and just relaxing. It's so incredible here.”
I grimaced a little, glad that she couldn't see me from her face-down position on the mat. “Yeah, it's pretty great,” I said. “But it has its drawbacks too. My life isn't like what yours is like when you're on your vacation, remember. I have to come in here to work and everything. I have to pay the bills. I cook a lot of my meals rather than eating out at restaurants.”
“True,” Andrea said. “But this is your job. You're not stuck in an office, and you're not stuck with a bunch of obnoxious coworkers. This one girl who I work with is getting married in a few weeks, and she's been so ridiculous for months now. It's her fiancé this and her fiancé that. It’s all she talks about, and then there's the actual work.”
I shook my head, listening to her ramble on, letting her get it out of her system. The thing was, I had always loved Hawaii, and I always would. But the thing about it was, the grass was always greener on the other side. She had a selection of thousands of guys who she could marry. I knew everyone on the island. I'd grown up with them all. Unless they were tourists, who were just there for a few weeks, if that, and then went back home again.
Plus, there was this whole business thing with Mina. She'd been careful not to hint at it again since she had brought up the idea of merging our businesses, but I couldn't help feeling the weight of that idea every morning when she came by to see me. I still hadn't made a decision on it, except that I wasn't sure about it and didn't know how to approach any of the issues with her.
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