by Sarah Ruhl
DIRECTOR
Take ten.
She sits in her gorgeous green dress on the lip of the stage and opens a water bottle.
They might share a cigarette. If they do, He says:
HE
Do you mind if I smoke?
SHE
No.
HE
Is your husband coming to see the dress?
SHE
God, no. I told him to stay away until opening.
HE
And will you kiss me less passionately in front of him?
SHE
I don’t know yet.
HE
What does he do, anyway, your husband?
SHE
Mergers and acquisitions.
HE
Ah.
SHE
My mother told me never to marry an actor. She said never marry a man who looks in the mirror more than you do.
HE
Your mother never liked me.
SHE
Mmm—
HE
But I don’t look in the mirror.
SHE
No, you didn’t.
HE
I wanted to be ugly. A writer. Make something lasting.
SHE
Were you ever unambivalent—about anything?
HE
You.
SHE
For a time.
HE
For a time.
SHE
Favorite last line from a play:
HE/SHE
I fell in love with James Tyrone and was so happy for a time . . .
A pause.
HE
Are you happy?
SHE
We’re happy. My husband, I mean. And me. We’re happy.
HE
Good. Good for you.
SHE
My daughter is gorgeous. My daughter is the love of my life.
HE
I’m so happy for you.
SHE
We don’t fight. My husband. And I. He’s comforting. He comforts me.
HE
Like a hot cup of tea? With exactly the right amount of milk?
SHE
No, more like a person. Who exhibits restraint and compassion.
HE
Like tea. Remember that time in Düsseldorf when we were on tour and I said let’s have sex I want you. And you said but I have water on to boil for tea. I knew then that we were finished.
SHE
That’s not how it went. I made the tea anyway and then we did it and then I warmed up the tea in the microwave and I drank it after we did it.
HE
Whatever.
SHE
I like tea.
HE
I know.
SHE
It wasn’t about you.
HE
Right.
SHE
This play is kind of awful, don’t you think?
HE
Oh, I don’t know . . . I like your costumes.
SHE
Do you.
HE
Yes, this greenish one is especially fetching. With the little thing done up just here . . .
He touches her shoulder.
SHE
Why, thank you. Johnny Lowell.
HE
Ada Fountain, my darling, how can we have been apart for so long?
SHE
(As Ada) I do not know.
(As herself) I don’t know.
He moves in to kiss her.
She looks around and moves away.
SHE
Stop!
I love my husband.
HE
You always found repression so interesting. I don’t find repression interesting. I really, really want you.
SHE
How’s your schoolteacher?
HE
Optimistic.
SHE
I missed you.
HE
A lot?
SHE
A lot.
HE
It’s torture kissing you on stage, in front of all these idiots. I want to fling you on a bed, press you against a door—Oh, God, you’re killing me.
SHE
Why do you think people enjoy watching other people kiss on stage, anyway?
HE
They don’t enjoy it. They tolerate it.
SHE
What do you mean?
HE
They tolerate it because it signifies resolution which people like to see on stage but they don’t really like to see the act of kissing on stage, only the idea of kissing on stage. That’s why actors have to be good looking because it’s about an idea, an idea of beauty completing itself. You don’t like to see people do more than kiss on stage, it’s repulsive.
SHE
But why do we want to see people have sex in the movies.
Throughout the following he might touch her knee.
HE
That’s because you can be alone in your own mind when you watch a movie and it’s like masturbation but you can’t be alone when you watch a play because there’s always someone next to you. That’s why it’s uncomfortable to watch people have sex on stage but pleasant to watch them have sex in the movies. And that’s why porn stars don’t have to be as good looking as actors because we’re not watching the idea of sex but sex itself which can be ugly. And that’s why the theater is superior to film, because it’s less like masturbation.
DIRECTOR
Places!
They leap apart.
The butler enters with Millicent.
KEVIN AS BUTLER
Millicent Sternhaven.
SHE AS ADA
Hello, Millicent, my darling.
MILLICENT
Ada, dear, how are you? How are you?
SHE AS ADA
For God’s sake Millicent, don’t talk in italics, I’m perfectly fine. News travels fast, doesn’t it, bad news faster than good . . .
MILLICENT
Can I get you anything, my dear?
SHE AS ADA
Just get me out of here, if one more person is solicitous, I’ll scream. You, of all people, Millicent, can be mean. Be mean to me, that’s what I crave more than hot compresses. I command you to be mean.
MILLICENT
I’m not sure I can do it on command, dear. It’s part of my charm—I’m mean on impulse.
Enter Johnny Lowell.
SHE AS ADA
This is my old friend Johnny Lowell, just in from Sweden.
MILLICENT
Pleased to meet you. Whatever were you doing in Sweden?
HE AS JOHNNY
I like to make sculptures. Very large sculptures. With my hands, you know.
MILLICENT
Ah!
Millicent looks at his hands.
HE AS JOHNNY
But then Ada cabled me to come at once as she was dying and of course I came straight away.
SHE AS ADA
Don’t believe a word he says—
(As herself) Wait—is this the long cross in the blocking you changed last night?
DIRECTOR
Yes. You have to cross stage left because of sightlines.
SHE
Right. So—
(As Ada, to Millicent, over her shoulder as she crosses) Don’t believe a word he says—I’m not dying—no one here is dying— at least not today—
Ada crosses the room grandly and trips and falls.
SHE
Uum?
He rushes to help her, trips over a lamp cord or a potted palm, and falls down.
SHE
Are you okay?
HE
Ah! My ankle.
SHE
Oh!
Scene 5—Putting the Understudy in for Previews
SHE
How long does an ankle stay broken?
DIRECTOR
Six weeks or so.
SHE
Fuck!
DIRECTOR
&nb
sp; Luckily we have an understudy . . .
SHE
He makes this face—this weird face—like he’s going to eat me—before he kisses me—like a placoderm—
DIRECTOR
What?
SHE
You know, one of those jawless prehistoric fish—with teeth?
DIRECTOR
(Overlapping) We don’t really have a choice. Opening night is in a week.
SHE
Can’t he do it on crutches?
DIRECTOR
I—I don’t know how he could—
SHE
(Overlapping) Jesus!
Kevin enters.
SHE
Hello, Kevin.
KEVIN
Hi, hi.
DIRECTOR
So let’s start with Scene Three.
You’re just here, and you’re just here.
“It is as though no time had passed—”
SHE AS ADA
(Flatly) It is as though no time had passed! As though we were still standing on that dock . . . But, Johnny, you must know—
I can’t betray him—
KEVIN AS JOHNNY
I always said you would end up with a man in a briefcase.
SHE
What?
KEVIN AS JOHNNY
(Overlapping) With a briefcase. I knew that, when we began our doomed romance. But don’t tell me you’ve become conventional, darling—kiss me—one last kiss—that’s what I came for, isn’t it? One last kiss. You’re as beautiful as the day I met you.
SHE AS ADA
Am I?
KEVIN AS JOHNNY
Yes, only I wish I’d put these lines on your face myself. Each one.
He traces the lines on her face. They kiss.
SHE AS ADA
Oh, Johnny!
SHE
Can I just— It’s more like . . . Could someone—let me show you. Millicent!
The actress playing Millicent enters.
ACTRESS
Yes?
SHE
I’ll be Johnny Lowell, and Millicent, you be me.
(As Johnny) Yes, only I wish I’d put these lines on your face myself. Each one.
She kisses the actress playing Millicent the way Johnny Lowell kissed her.
SHE
(To Kevin) Okay?
(To actress) Thanks.
ACTRESS
No problem.
KEVIN
Okay. Like: (As Johnny) I wish I’d put these lines on myself your face.
SHE
What?
KEVIN AS JOHNNY
Each one.
He traces the lines on her face. They kiss, awkwardly.
SHE AS ADA
Oh, Johnny!
(As herself) I’m sorry. I just— I quit.
Scene 6
A marquis might come down. It says in lights:
The Last Kiss
By Landor, Erbmann and Marmel
With a new prologue
By the director, Adrian Schwalbach
DIRECTOR
(Prerecorded message) Please turn off those cell phones and open those candies! And the New Haven fire department would be much obliged if you would take a look and see where your nearest exit is. There will be one intermission, and I know the lines to the ladies bathrooms are long so please make a beeline. Thank you, relax, we know you have a choice of theaters so we appreciate you choosing us. And now The Last Kiss by Landor, Erbmann and Marmel with a new prologue by the director, Adrian Schwalbach.
The sound of sweeping overture music.
Lights up on Johnny, who enters, on crutches.
The butler also enters.
Applause.
A prologue:
HE AS JOHNNY
Give me the telegram, Jenkins.
It says to come at once. My God, Ada . . . my beautiful girl . . . how can it be . . .
How the hell am I going to get from Sweden to New York City on these damn crutches?
With my usual aplomb, I suppose!
I must be the only sculptor to have had a marble head fall on my foot!
Canned laughter from the audience.
HE AS JOHNNY
Jenkins, book me a first-class ticket on the SS Richmond at once. Ada, I’m coming, I’m coming, as fast as I can, wait for me!
He shuffles off slowly on his crutches.
Scene 6.5—The Last Scene of the Play
An opulent, beautiful 1930s set is revealed.
A New York apartment (balcony, chandeliers, columns) glides on.
Johnny Lowell has just told Ada Wilcox that he is eloping to Sweden with her daughter. She slaps He.
SHE AS ADA
You’re eloping to Sweden with my daughter. Are you trying to drive me to the brink of insanity?
HE AS JOHNNY
How can you blame me? She’s the very picture of you.
SHE AS ADA
You were a cad then and you’re a cad now, Johnny Lowell. My daughter deserves better.
HE AS JOHNNY
Better than this?
Johnny kisses Ada.
She wipes the kiss off on her shirtsleeve.
SHE AS ADA
You’re sick.
HE AS JOHNNY
At least admit that I cured your disease . . . one kiss from me, and I sent death packing . . . you’re positively blooming again. I know you cannot forgive me. But please, forgive Millie. It’s not her fault.
SHE AS ADA
I do not blame Millie. I blame myself. Oh, Johnny. One more song and then we’re finished.
They sing a song and do a small dance, which is complicated by his crutches.
HE AS JOHNNY/SHE AS ADA
No one says farewell these days
They all just say good-bye
No one says farewell these days
They hire a car, or fly
If onlys are for fools and lovers
Farewells are for the birds
So good-bye to you my first true love
Good-bye—what a horrible—word—
Johnny exits.
SHE AS ADA
(Alone) Good-bye, Johnny . . .
She sinks down onto the divan.
Her husband enters.
HUSBAND
Darling. I should never have allowed him into our home.
SHE AS ADA
Do not reproach yourself, my dear. I have learned something very important. I used to think that Johnny was the man I was meant to die with, and you were the man I was meant to live with. I now know the truth: the one you are meant to live with is the one you are meant to die with. Darling, it’s you—it’s you forevermore.
HUSBAND
Oh, darling. Don’t speak of death now that we are out of his crutches—clutches . . . You look so healthy, my dear, so robust.
SHE AS ADA
Jack—I love you, as I have never loved you, or anyone else, before . . . Only there is one thing I must tell you.
HUSBAND
What is it?
SHE AS ADA
I’m afraid Johnny did not go alone to Sweden.
HUSBAND
Has he taken up with the parlor maid?
SHE AS ADA
No. He has taken Millie with him.
HUSBAND
Millie? Our daughter? How is this possible? He did not ask my permission—Millie? To Sweden? He must be stopped—I will stop him—I will go—now—Jenkins!—book me a first-class ticket on the SS Richmond to Sweden—oh—ah—
The husband has a heart attack.
SHE AS ADA
Jack! Jack! Jack! No! No! Help! Millicent! Jenkins! Someone! Help!
Oh God! Jack!
The husband falls. He is in the throes of dying.
She kisses his face. She holds him, weeping.
SHE AS ADA
Jack—wait for me on the threshold, I will keep hold of your hand . . . The angels are calling you, Jack, saying we have met one of our own . . . a little angel named Jack . . . you are
the most good, the most good man—
She sobs and rocks him.
He dies.
SHE AS ADA
Am I to meet life on my own then? Ada Fountain—and life . . . life . . .
Applause.
The company bows.
It might be nice if we saw them bow from the back,
suddenly transported backstage.
The director might watch from backstage, moved.
Johnny Lowell enters and bows with his crutches.
The leading lady bows on her own.
Wild applause for the leading lady.
Scene 7
Backstage. The sound of applause.
He and She backstage. He leans on his crutches.
HE
They liked it.
SHE
They seemed to. How odd.
HE
There’s no accounting for taste.
They’re still clapping. Should we go on for another bow?
SHE
You whore.
HE
Should we?
SHE
No.
Let’s hide.
HE
Let’s.
They hide.
HE
I couldn’t take my eyes off you, I almost dropped a line, you were on fire.
SHE
But you didn’t.
HE
What?
SHE
Drop a line.
HE
No.
SHE
I wasn’t that distracting.
HE
I was watching from the wings, your last speech. It was so real. Even though the language was, I’m sorry, so fucking fake.
SHE
I don’t want to go to the party. Let’s not go to the party.
HE
Let’s not.
SHE
This—here—this feels like my real life. I don’t want to be me. I want to be Ada Wilcox.
HE
I don’t want Ada Wilcox.
I want you.
SHE
You do?
HE
Yeah.
They look at each other.
They kiss.
A real kiss.
SHE
I’m scared.
HE
Me too.
SHE
There’s no one watching.
HE
That’s why I’m scared.
SHE
When I kissed you just now did it feel like an actor kissing an actor or a person kissing a person because I’ve kissed you so many times over the last few weeks I’m starting to not know the difference.
HE
It felt like a person.
SHE
I’m a person.
I’m scared.
HE
No one will tell us how it will end.
SHE
No one will tell us when to stop.
HE
There may be no end to it . . .
They kiss.
Curtain.
Act Two
