by J. M. Dabney
He was just mixing the eggs when he froze at the sight of Raul coming through the kitchen doorway. That was a sight he’d never dreamed he’d see—a sleepy, half-naked man in his home. Raul was nothing but ripped muscle. He’d been around physically perfect men before, but none of them had been in his house or had six-pack abs under smooth light chestnut skin. The pants were low enough to show off the top of Raul’s pubes; thick, black, and tight. He tore his gaze from the man and went back to preparing breakfast like he wasn’t trying to calm his heart enough to breathe. His face was already flaming, and he wasn’t in the mood to embarrass himself.
“We have guests.” Raul stopped at the stroller first, stroked chubby cheeks lightly so as not to wake them up.
“Today is my day to babysit. Crew kids are only watched by Crew.” He answered as he opened the cabinet above the coffeemaker and grabbed Raul a mug. He filled the mug and turned around to hand it to Raul. The man took his coffee black and strong enough to eat through the mug.
“Thanks.”
He held his breath as he waited for Raul to take a sip. It was stupid he knew, but he couldn’t deny he had a crush on the other man. His first since high school and it was completely inappropriate. He was sure the big biker had his choice of partners. The Crews weren’t shy about sex, and Raul’s bisexuality was well known. They’d been on assignments and hitting a bar to relax at the end was a ritual. He’d watched the man flirt with everyone, once or twice seen him leave with men and women. They were always beautiful and slim, and he’d always been a big guy, a bit on the chunky side. He was the opposite of what Raul looked for in a sex partner.
“Coffee is perfect. I know when you make it at work.”
He was about to say thank you when Raul turned away and leaned on the counter to smile at the kids. Raul made over their pictures they were drawing. Gushed over their color choice. The man even straightened to move behind each one to give hugs. He’d never seen Raul with the younger kids. Mainly Raul taught the older ones skills that kids really didn’t need. Pride, Linus’ son, had already learned how to pick locks and the best entry points for a break-in. Well, he couldn’t say much, Pride was already a natural with a sniper rifle.
Okay, he admitted that he liked being the cool uncle. He even beat out Little for the distinction, but Raul was maybe a bit ahead of him.
“Uncle Pure,” Loco called his name without looking up from the coloring book.
He was an adorable mini-version of Bear. Already tall for his age, he had his tongue between his teeth as if coloring inside the lines took all his concentration.
“Yes, baby?”
“Can I have bear pancakes?”
“Of course, you get bear pancakes, so you want them with bowties?”
“Yes! Blueberries for eyes.”
“You got it.” He leaned down and placed a quick kiss on Loco’s baby soft hair. Spending time with the Crew kids was sometimes bittersweet. It reminded him of what he wanted but wouldn’t possess. With Raul there, it was particularly painful. He imagined the scene playing out with a few changes, and he closed his eyes to picture it. Instead of Raul on the other side of the kitchen, Raul would be next to or behind him, strong arms around him.
Before he’d joined Trenton, he’d held onto that little piece of himself that still wanted a normal life. The spiral began when he was barely fifteen. He still remembered the pain and panic, the cop with his disapproving gaze. Minutes of sexual assault had colored the last fifteen years of his life and taken years to work through. He was terrified of what that meant. Kieran Dahl, the local shrink, told him that he needed to be honest when he opened his life to a partner. The right one would understand his limits.
“Ba…Pure, why don’t you go lie back down. I can finish breakfast.”
Gentle fingers drew down the indent of his spine, and his eyes flew open as he realized he’d lost himself in his thoughts. “No, I’m fine. You won’t make Loco’s pancakes right.” He went back to getting breakfast ready for them.
“You’re probably right.”
He didn’t look at Raul. The years they’ve worked together intensified his feelings for the other man. But Raul was confident, handsome, in touch with who he was, and Pure was—Pure. All he had was his job and Crews, all the friends he’d made. It was all rather sad; terror and envy were an odd thing. He’d watched most of his friends partner up, studied the way they cared for their person, and he envied the joy and connection—even the sex.
Strong hands came to rest on his hips as he stood at the stove. Hot breath fanned his ear. “You need—”
“I’m fine. I live for Hellion days. It’s all planned out. I can rest when they watch a movie later.”
“I’m sticking around just in case.”
He barely controlled a groan. He’d expected Raul to leave after breakfast. Raul moved away, and he relaxed as he finished up everything. Once the plates were filled and he got the kids to the table, he pointed to a chair for Raul to sit down. They were all settled in to eat, so he kept himself busy by talking to the kids and refused to look at the other man who sat opposite him at the other end of the table.
The smile on his face felt forced, and he knew it was because he couldn’t get used to kids and a man of his own. When they were done, the kids helped him dry dishes, and then they ran outside to play on the equipment he’d built a few years ago.
“You’re really good with them.”
“Thanks. I always thought I’d have a couple of my own.”
“You want kids?”
“Yeah, I want a husband and kids. Mom always told me I’d find the right one someday.”
“You mind if I use your shower?”
Raul wasn’t subtle about the subject change. “You got clothes?”
“Yeah, in my truck. We’ll have to get yours later.”
“That’s okay. Little will come by. I’m hanging out with Poe, Fielding, Elijah, Brody, well, I’m hanging out with all the partners tonight.”
“Do you think you should be out drinking? You need to take it easy.”
“I’m a grown-ass man. I can take care of myself. You want to pull that Dominant Daddy bullshit with me…you can take your ass elsewhere.”
He started for the backdoor to play with the kids, but Raul grabbed his wrist. The callouses felt good on his skin.
“Nicolas, you don’t want to fuck with me, boy. You have a goddamn concussion, and you need to rest. If you want to be stubborn, that’s on you, but if you want to fight me, you won’t win.”
Raul released him and left the room. The man’s guttural voice had turned even rougher when he’d spoken. He didn’t like when people were mad at him, especially Raul. The man had acted as his spotter and partner for years, so they had to trust each other. And he did, he didn’t know why, but out of all his friends, he always trusted Raul to have his back.
He’d apologize later, but first, he had to focus on the kids. They weren’t exactly friends. Outside of work, they didn’t hang out except with the other Trenton guys. He was too scared to get close to the man. He couldn’t allow his feelings to deepen, but he feared he was already too far gone. Maybe he could talk to Gage? He needed someone to give him advice and Gage knew how to keep his mouth shut.
NO FUCKING WAY
He signed the paperwork as two cops took his handcuffed captive back toward the cells. He’d been away from Pure for almost seven days, and he was impatient to get home. While he sent Pure texts and called, he also made sure someone always kept him informed of Pure’s whereabouts and that he was safe. Ordering them to take Pure out of the field when he wasn’t around wasn’t going to make Linus happy.
Pure was the only man to have at your Six. He made his way outside to his truck, then he quickly made his way back to his motel. His mind kept going back to the last morning with Pure. Pure had looked so at home with a baby on his hip or talking to the kids as they colored. He had to keep reminding himself that the sun that was Pure wasn’t meant for him.
&n
bsp; He didn’t know if he could give the man the life he deserved. He’d briefly had a conversation with Gage before he’d left. Domination was natural for him, and he loved a bed partner who understood that he was in control. Yet, Pure required something else from him, and Gage had outlined his doubts without blinking an eye.
“IS this heart to heart about our resident innocent?”
“I stayed with him yesterday, and some of the Hellions came to spend the day with him.”
“You liked being in his kitchen surrounded by babies?”
“I’ve wanted him for so long. Years, but because of who he is, I can’t—”
“You can do whatever you want, man.”
“I can’t have him, Gage. Owning him would be too much. Possessing the brightest, purest light.”
“So poetic.”
“Fuck you. What would you do?”
“I already got one boy. I can’t handle another. I’m not as young as I used to be. But Pure would make a beautiful addition.”
His fists clenched at the thought of someone else possessing Pure. Even joking about it was too much, but he forced himself to relax. He needed Gage’s help, and the only thing he could do was be honest. “I’m not good enough for him.”
“Raul, I thought the same thing when it came to Derrick. Some days it’s easier, but others, I’m still fighting my instincts to protect him from me. From what a life with me will be. He has to put up with my self-harm. What’s in my head can’t be fixed. As much as he wants to, he can’t love me whole again. He just has to be there. No relationship is guaranteed for success. Some shit just needs to be worked at, and the people involved just need to love the ugly with the beautiful. If someone can’t love and accept the dark parts, then they can’t love you a hundred percent.
“If you think you can’t do that for Pure, walk away and just stay his friend. What would you rather have?”
AS MUCH AS he understood Gage was right, the thought of another person touching Pure enraged him, and he couldn’t think of walking away. That was a feeling he’d grown used to, and it was something he’d yet to learn how to handle. Being possessive wasn’t natural for him. Fucking had always been just that—fucking. But with Pure, he knew it would be a promise. Pure had waited for the right one, and he was so far from Mr. Right.
He was ready to go home. He pulled into the motel and cast a glance to the truck stop across the parking lot. He could use a beer and food before he headed home. Once his stomach was full, and he grabbed some coffee, he’d pack up his truck and head out. The room went mainly unused, but he’d leave a nice tip for the housekeeper that came the next morning. He’d hung in enough motels to know the housekeepers made shit for nasty work.
His life was one motel to another. He needed to think about making his life in Powers more permanent. He’d signed on with Linus full-time but still did some freelance stuff when he needed. The moment he felt trapped, he left without thought of who he hurt. He hadn’t seen his parents in years because they didn’t understand him and didn’t love all of him. In his teens, he’d acted out to put his masculinity and straightness above reproach, fucked women just to prove he wasn’t gay.
He’d hated himself for years, and it wasn’t until he’d started working with the Trenton Crew that he’d accepted his bisexuality. When they were out on jobs, he’d taken men and women back to his room. But he’d never felt satisfied. His guilt had grown the longer he’d spent around Pure. Being with Pure had quickly turned into an impossibility when he’d learned Pure was innocent and waiting around for the one. He wasn’t that man. Attempting to fuck Pure out of his system with any willing body hadn’t worked.
His thoughts suddenly made his appetite disappear, and he decided to pack up his things. All he wanted to do was go home and be around Pure. There was something about Pure that made everything in him settle, but he didn’t want to trust the feeling.
Pessimism had kept him from pursuing Pure. He’d resigned himself to just soaking up Pure’s presence and hoped it would be enough. He entered his musty motel room and grabbed his toiletry bag from the bathroom and shoved it into his still packed duffle bag. He’d just pick up some fast-food on the road.
He left the card key on the dresser and left. Once he was on the road, he turned the radio on. Music blasting for the long ride home.
FOUR CAR ACCIDENTS and one quick power nap, he arrived back at his motel just outside Powers. He wanted to drop off his bag and then get some actual sleep before he had to be back at the office in the morning. He kicked off his boots as he slammed the door behind him. His bag was carelessly tossed to land beside the round dining table. Even the lumpy bed with the ugly bedspread looked amazing at this point.
He stretched out and pushed a long sigh between his compressed lips. As exhausted as he was, his brain went into hyperdrive. Life before Powers and Pure was dangerous but easy—he did his job, and he moved on to the next motel. Permanence and happily ever afters had never come into play. He’d started to question the decisions he’d made in his existence.
Pure was the person he felt he could make room in his life for, but it also terrified him. Gage’s words kept playing through his head. Was he willing to let Pure go? Someone would come in and take Pure from him. Each time he thought about the possibility, the more enraged he became. But he was fearful that he couldn’t be the man Pure needed. His dominance would terrify the other man. He’d observed Pure for too long not to have picked up on the subtleties of his triggers.
The operation they’d gone on with Gage had shown him the full extent of Pure’s inhibitions. Something as minor as a sexual spanking made him spiral. He hadn’t met a person he’d have to restrain his urges with before. Being a Daddy or a Dominant was just part of him, and it was as natural as breathing for him. As much as he wanted to be what Pure needed, he just didn’t know if he could hide an entire aspect of him—not even for Pure. He seemed destined for failure. Would it be fair to either of them to pretend?
If Pure was his, he’d show him that there wasn’t shame in what they were to each other. He’d seen the potential in Pure. The hidden submissive; but in Pure’s mind, allowing himself to be controlled equaled demeaning the man he thought he was.
He closed his eyes as he imagined Pure curled up to his side. Every night he went to sleep, his tired brain would conjure his dream boy. The big, soft man cuddled against him as they fell asleep. He still couldn’t get past how hard it was becoming to resist.
The real world slid away, and his secret happy place took over. In his mind, he held Pure closer. Pressed his lips to Pure’s forehead and traced the curve of the bigger man’s smile with the pad of his thumb. He relaxed every muscle starting with his neck and worked slowly down to his toes as he let himself slip into the dream world where he was allowed to own his boy.
HE JERKED as a heavy hand banged on the door, and he awakened to see that the morning light barely illuminated the space around the curtains. He rolled from the bed, seeing it was just after sunrise, and he’d slept for several hours. He threw open the door.
“What the fuck do y’all want?” he demanded as he saw two uniformed deputies standing there with their hands on their weapons. It was two Powers County Officers that he hadn’t seen before, but him and the Trenton guys didn’t mix with anyone but Linus’ husband, Wren, and Sheriff Pelter.
“Raul Martinez?”
“Yeah, like I said, what y’all want?”
“You’re under arrest, please step outside.”
He opened his mouth to demand to know what the hell was going on, and then he had two weapons in his face. The bigger deputy had him spun and slammed against the wall beside the door.
“What am I under arrest for?” He grimaced as the zip cuffs cut into his wrists.
“Homicide.”
Everything in him froze when one of them answered him. From experience, he didn’t have a comeback, and he knew to keep his mouth closed until he got representation. He’d stay quiet until he was in the same r
oom with Pelter. What happened in the last twenty-four hours since he’d driven out of Texas? He had more enemies than he could count. The threats he’d received even outnumbered them. After a while, he found the promises of death were just part of the job.
He allowed them to drag him to the marked cruiser. Law enforcement didn’t play when it came to homicide suspects. He had to believe Peaches and the guys would get him out of this. Placing his trust in them was all he had, and the sooner he arrived at the Sheriff’s department, the sooner they could straighten everything out. Although, his first thought was getting someone to Pure before the news hit him by surprise.
THEY COULDN'T WAIT AND SEE
A n hour ago, when he’d stood on the firing line to do some thinking, he hadn’t thought he’d get up the courage to talk to Gage. The other man had said if he ever wanted to talk, but it had seemed easier in his head when he’d planned out what he wanted to say.
“You going to stand in my doorway all day or tell me why you’re staring at me?”
“You said if I ever needed to talk…”
“Come in and close the door. They’ll think Derrick came to tell Daddy hi and will leave us alone.”
He closed the door and turned to lean back on the smooth surface, the wood cool through his t-shirt. He’d never said the words out loud before. Even when he’d talked to his mom, he’d refused to name it. Rape. He still didn't know if he was prepared to whisper the one word that had caused him years of shame, but he was curious about something. Too many years he’d trapped himself in a mental prison. How was he supposed to step outside his comfort zone when the natural act of sex made him feel dirty?
“Why are you a Daddy?”
Gage steepled his fingers, and the longer Gage stared at him, the more nervous he got. “Because it allows me to show a part of me that I've always hidden away. I can love on my boy and care for him, and he gifts me with unquestionable trust to know what's best for him.”
