Ruth, walking into the Browns’ drawing room, had quailed at the sight of drinks on the sideboard and cushions plumped. She fought a mad desire to turn and run. It was at this moment that she had caught Danielle’s eye and recognised there was another outsider at this civilised little middle-class Sunday lunch.
Ruth wasn’t blind to the irony that this had been the intrinsic, principal thing that had made her feel safe as a child when she visited Tredrea.
Danielle was asking her as they walked across the sand how long she had lived in Birmingham.
‘Three years. Peter works for a family finance company based in Tel Aviv. He’s an accountant. They have offices all over England, but he manages the one in Birmingham. It’s convenient because of the airport. He commutes between here and Israel.’
‘That must be exhausting. Do you ever go with him?’
‘I used to. Last year we all went for a holiday, but as Adam’s got older it’s not so easy to juggle my career and his schooling.’
‘What do you do, exactly, Ruth?’
‘I’m principal buyer for the Fayad Fashion Group. I also lecture part-time in business administration.’
Danielle looked at Ruth with renewed interest. ‘Pff! You must be good to work for the Fayad group. Jenny and I have designed for some of their stores and they can be difficult to work with until you establish yourself. But if your standard is high they sell a lot of clothes. I am surprised I haven’t come across you.’
Ruth smiled. ‘I miss being on the shop floor. That was fun. I used to travel a lot, but the trouble is you reach a point when it seems to be mostly paperwork and reviewing other buyers’ mistakes.’
They both stopped and watched a surfer shoot into the shallows like a sleek black seal.
After a silence Ruth said, ‘Actually, I’m seriously considering changing jobs. I’ve no need to be in Birmingham any more and Adam hates his school.’ She turned to Danielle and gave a short laugh. ‘Peter, my husband, has just left me and gone to live in Israel full-time.’
‘God!’ Danielle stopped walking. ‘You are not having a good time. I am sorry…’
‘Don’t be. I don’t blame him at all and I think we’ve managed to stay friends. The thought of upheaval and looking for another job is daunting, but there’s nothing to keep me in Birmingham. We only moved there for Peter.’
‘I do not think you will have trouble finding work, Ruth.’
‘No. It’s just with all this…with Jenny, I somehow feel…’
‘Vulnerable? Thrown off the track?’
Ruth smiled. ‘Yes.’
Danielle said slowly, ‘It is all so sudden. It is hard to believe.’
‘It would have been better if Jenny and I had never met again. It was cruel, that chance meeting. Jenny would never have known about Adam. She would be starting to come to terms with Tom’s death, beginning to look to the future.’ Ruth threw up her arms. ‘I so want to disappear with Adam, vanish, but I can’t. Adam is naturally intensely curious about his father. God, it’s had such a damaging effect on him. He seems on a high all the time. Peter thinks Adam is going to become obsessed with a dead hero.’
‘Did you not talk about his father to Adam when he was growing up? Did Adam never ask?’
‘Of course he asked,’ Ruth said abruptly. ‘When he was small, I told him his father didn’t live with us. As he grew up I explained that I didn’t know much about his father beyond the fact he had been at university. When I thought he was old enough to hear the truth, I explained I’d met his father very young, only once, and I’d never seen him again. I tried to make him understand that I hadn’t wanted his father found or told I’d had a child. It was better just the two of us. Adam’s always found that hard and it makes him angry.’
She paused and Danielle murmured, ‘It is understandable.’
‘Adam has always been mature, he’s had to be. He’s grown up with the story of his grandparents shipping me off to a Scottish island when I was pregnant. I think this has made him more forgiving towards me. When I married Peter he stopped asking so many questions and things were much easier, although he never wanted to call Peter Dad. He said he had a real father out there somewhere.’
The sun went in suddenly and the sea looked grey and cold. Sea mist started to roll in and rain hung over the horizon in a deep bruised cloud. Both women shivered and turned back for the house. Danielle did not know what to say. She felt suddenly depressed. None of this was going to go away. Tom’s misdemeanour was spilling into all their lives.
‘It is hard for you, Ruth.’
‘I’m sorry. I’ve talked too much. It’s been strange since Peter left. Just work and then no one to talk to at the end of a day. I think I’m turning into someone I don’t like very much.’
Danielle sensed the tears behind the self-deprecation. ‘Please, do not apologise to me, Ruth. My work is a success, but my love life…Pff!’ She laughed and said as they climbed the hill, ‘I know you are too high-powered for us, but if you ever want a change for a while, come and work with Florence and me. Jenny is not coming back to London for a while. We will have to take on a graduate designer, but we will need someone to go out there and sell our clothes and be a general PR. I will have to work double time now.’
Ruth smiled. ‘That’s sweet of you, but you’re not serious, are you?’
Danielle stopped. ‘I am dead serious in needing someone.’
The two women stared at each other excitedly.
Danielle said quickly, ‘We would not be able to match the income you must be getting now.’
Ruth thought rapidly. ‘There may be ways round that. I get large fees for lecturing and I might be able to get taken on as a consultant, if there is no conflict of interests. Shall I find out?’
Danielle nodded, fished out a business card and handed it to Ruth. ’If you really are interested ring me, but it will have to be soon, Ruth. There is accommodation at the top of the house, so you would not have to pay a huge London rent, just the normal services.’
‘I have Adam, obviously.’
‘Of course. We might have to juggle our living arrangements, but there is room for him, unless you don’t want him to change schools?’
‘He hates his school in Birmingham. Look, give me a few days to think this through carefully.’
‘Sure. Look, why don’t you come up to London and see our set-up and talk to Flo too? Then you can judge if it is a viable proposition.’
Ruth laughed. ‘I’ll do that! Next week?’
‘Next week.’
The rain started in jagged slants. The beach and the sea had disappeared, and the two women bent their heads against the wind and ran for the house.
THIRTY-ONE
James was putting Danielle’s and Flo’s cases in the boot of his car when Jenny came out and said she’d like to go with him to see them off at Newquay.
Flo sat in the front with James. She had wandered around the garden with Bea, feeling relaxed despite the circumstances. How could she not relax with the sea glittering in front of the house; with the french windows thrown open to a spring garden full of flaring camellias and the last of the pungentsmelling narcissi?
She had felt a pinch of envy for this life far from London and work, where the heavy air made the pace of everything slower, where the days merged into each other seamlessly like the sea and sky. Tredrea weaved its usual magic, yet she knew that as soon as she walked through the front door in London she would beetle happily up to her office to check the coming days’ schedules, eager for the chaos and buzz of another week.
It was a sadder house without Jenny and Rosie; without Tom blowing in like a burst of adrenalin, scooping them all up in his great bear hug, causing mayhem and hold-ups in their organised little world. Flo still found herself listening out for his laugh or Rosie’s chatter filling the house. How she missed that infectious little giggle rising up the stairs to the workroom.
Flo snapped her mind shut so that she did not undo the pleasure of a weekend with Bea
and James. Contentment was no longer taken for granted, but had to be savoured like a delicate taste on the tongue.
Yesterday, she and Bea had gone back into the house from the garden, and found Jenny and Adam sitting on the sofa going through family photographs. Both their heads were bent to the album, oblivious of the two women standing in the doorway.
Bea and Flo had exchanged looks and crept out to the kitchen. They had felt unable to break into that moment of intimacy in the sitting room and change it into something lighter. Jenny and Adam had looked like two rapt children sitting on that sofa together.
The sun hung low in front of the car, a monstrous orange orb in a suddenly clear sky. Flo turned to talk to James.
In the back of the car Danielle touched Jenny’s arm nervously. ’Jenee, I did an impulsive and possibly stupid thing earlier. I was talking to Ruth on the beach…’
Jenny turned to her, interrupting, ‘Adam told me that Peter had gone back to Israel permanently. I wanted to tell Ruth I was sorry, but she left so hurriedly that I didn’t have time.’
‘Yes, she told me this. She thinks maybe he has another woman.’
Jenny looked startled. ‘Poor Ruth.’
‘Please listen to what I am trying to say. It is important.’ Jenny turned in her seat, alerted. ‘Ruth was telling me that there is nothing to keep her in Birmingham and that she was considering changing her job. I say, without thinking, that we could do with someone smart, with contacts to buyers. I tell her to come and see us in London. I practically offer her the job. It seemed a good idea at the time, but now I wonder if I open my big mouth and put my feet in?’
Flo had stopped talking to James and was listening. Danielle watched Jenny anxiously. Jenny was silent for an unnerving length of time. She turned away and looked out of the window, then down at her hands. She was struggling and Danielle said miserably, ‘It is not to replace you, darling. Just to help me, to release me from travelling so I can design full-time until you are better. That is all.’
Jenny turned to her. ‘It is a good idea. Ruth is very successful, I realised that when I was in Birmingham. I’m being selfish.’ She tried to laugh. ‘I didn’t think I would be replaced quite so fast. It’s just…a bit…I feel as if I’m disappearing.’ She held up her hand as Danielle tried to speak. ‘But I’m being unreasonable. Look, it was my decision to take time out. It’s what I want to do and that means I’m leaving you and Flo in the lurch. What do I expect? It makes sense to hire someone we know, who could do the job standing on her head.’
Danielle let out her breath in relief. ‘That is what I thought.’ She leant towards Jenny. ‘You know in your heart you can never be replaced, Jenny. We need help with the selling.’
Flo turned in her seat and said with edge, ‘Can we afford Ruth if she came to us? I doubt it, Danielle.’
‘We cannot afford to pay the salary she must be getting, I tell her this, but I tell her also that she can live with us in the house. Flo, please do not be angry with me. You know how it is with me.’
‘I do,’ Flo said. ‘It would have been considerate to have discussed this between the three of us before you jumped in.’
Jenny smiled. Flo was being protective. ‘Don’t be cross with Danielle, Flo. She has always had to do the majority of the selling. She’s carried me for years. I’ve never done my fair share, we all know that. The business owes Elle a lot and she has a right to be concerned about the future. Ruth was headhunted before. She could be snapped up again by someone else. I won’t take any money out of the business while I’m not working; that will help.’
‘You have to live, Jen,’ James said quietly.
‘I don’t need much, Dad. I have my army pension.’
Flo drew the conversation to a firm close: ‘Let’s hold our horses here. Let’s see if Ruth wants the job before we discuss this in any more detail.’ She looked over her shoulder at Danielle. ‘I’m not cross with you, dear, I just don’t believe in rushing into things.’
Flo was not an equal partner, but she had a share in the business. She was the elder statesman, the clear-headed, longsighted, calm member of the team. What she did not know about the fashion industry wasn’t worth knowing. The three of them all needed each other to work efficiently and understood this clearly.
‘Here we are,’ James said as they entered the shabby little airport. ‘We’ve cut it a bit fine, so no time for dallying.’
They got out of the car and Flo hugged Jenny. ‘It’s been wonderful to see you almost well again.’
‘I get bad days still, but I’m getting there, Flo. I know I’ve done the right thing, not coming home yet.’
‘I’m sure you have. We do miss you. I’ll ring you tomorrow.’
Danielle kissed her twice on each cheek. ‘Forgive me if I am insensitive. I do not mean to be.’
‘You are practical and I love you. Go, run.’
Jenny and James watched the tiny plane until it was a dot. James imagined Jenny was thinking of all the times she had been on that plane with them. He put his arm round her. ‘Home and a stiff gin, I think,’ he said, forgetting.
Jenny laughed. ‘I’m on pills, doctor. Would that I could!’
Back in the car James said, ‘I was rather proud of you back there with Danielle.’
Jenny smiled. ‘My heart stopped for a moment, Dad, it really did. Don’t think badly of her, she is just very practical and unsentimental, you know.’
‘Well, I do now,’ James said drily. ‘You’ve done the right thing, Jen. Grieving is a long process and you need time and space to do it, and selfishly your mother and I think you need to be close to us for a while.’
‘I wouldn’t have got through this without you and Mum.’
Jenny hesitated and James suspected what was coming. ‘Dad, I don’t think I need my sessions with Naomi Watson any more, honestly.’
James kept his voice casual: ‘Just for a little longer, darling, please. She is so pleased with your progress.’
Out of the corner of his eye he watched Jenny lean back and close her eyes. ‘The woman transparently wants to take me back to that terrible afternoon and I don’t want to go there.’
‘She is an excellent psychiatrist. Try and trust her. I do.’
Jenny pursed her lips but did not argue. James, glancing at her sideways, knew that look of old and did not pursue the conversation. Instead he said, ‘You don’t have to look for somewhere to rent. Tredrea is your home and has many empty bedrooms. It’s quite big enough for you and your sisters’ broods when they come.’
‘I know, Dad, but I need to stand on my own two feet. You and Mum make it too easy for me. I have to take responsibility for myself. I’m afraid that if I stay I will find it impossible to make even the simplest of decisions.’ She turned and punched him gently in the arm. ‘Come on, Dr Brown, be honest. After five children and a permanent round of visiting grandchildren, you and Bea relish having the house to yourselves. You know you do.’
James smiled. He loved hearing her infectious giggle again. His granddaughter had inherited the same laugh. ‘OK, young lady, you win, but I get to vet your accommodation.’
‘Done!’
They crunched up the drive to Tredrea and small lamps glowed from the windows, making a warm sweep of light over the gravel. Bea moved peacefully somewhere within the lighted house.
Evening and lights spring on and you are home and safe. Jenny got out of the car and stood in the dark. If only there could be a tall figure reflected in the room within, peering out for me, waiting in the light for me to come out of the dark.
As he drove the car round to the back of the house, James glanced in the driving mirror. Jenny looked small and lonely standing by the front door, wringing her hands. It seared him. However much he and Bea loved her, they could never take the horror or the loneliness away. It would constantly smack her in the face, in the moment of a door closing behind friends, in glancing into lit houses where couples moved, in passing a school playground where the cries
of children drowned everything, at night when Jenny reached out to the cold side of a double bed and memory of loss flooded back.
James hoped she would go on talking to Naomi Watson.
THIRTY-TWO
Adam knew his mother was trying very hard to make the half-term fun for him. She had booked him surfing lessons at Perranporth. She had bought him a wetsuit. A part of him was grateful but something in him did not want to forgive her. Why did she need his forgiveness? Adam was unsure and bewildered at where his hard little place of resistance had come from. He ignored her silent plea for everything between them to go back to what it had been. He knew he was shutting her out but he could not help it.
Ruth sat on a rug on the beach in a thick sweater against the wind and Adam felt her watching him as he and six other boys lay on surfboards on the sand feeling pretty silly pretending to paddle out of water.
When the lifeguard took them into the shallows and lectured them on currents and rip tides, it became more fun. However, there was a vicious swell and the waves curled huge and ominous in deep water, preventing them from going any further out. The lifeguard blew the whistle. They would all have to wait until another day to christen their boards properly.
Adam thought the lifeguard cool. He wouldn’t mind doing his job; it must be brilliant to be on the beach every day. He jostled with the other boys in the shallows and wondered at how much easier it seemed to make friends when he was far from Birmingham.
Two of the boys were local and three, like him, had holiday homes. He spent a happy relaxed morning, almost forgetting that Peter really had gone for good and the hated school crouched waiting for him.
Before they went back to the creek Ruth bought him fish and chips and they sat on the sea wall eating in companionable silence. As they drove home they watched the sky changing in front of them. Bad weather loomed and Adam remembered the rough sea, a warning of the incoming storm.
Adam and Ruth both secretly dreaded the cottage in bad weather. The windows were small and they had to switch on the lights during the day. Unlike the three-storey house in Birmingham, neither had any possibility of escape from the other.
Come Away With Me Page 13
