‘You are joking, Mum. I can’t wait. You saw the music room. Wicked. I’m just not into sleeping with other boys with their smelly feet, or listening to them fart and snore.’
Ruth laughed. ‘What a charming picture you paint!’
When they were inside the cottage and Adam was making toast, Ruth said, ‘Adam, you do realise that I couldn’t earn enough money to live down here. I hate the thought of you living away from me, it’s going to be so hard.’ She watched sudden wariness cross Adam’s face in case she was going to become sentimental or wax lyrical about the possibilities of weekends and half-terms in London again.
They had stayed in London briefly after the holiday in Cornwall. Danielle had moved out of her flat so that Ruth and Adam could spend time together. Ruth had been able to ease herself into working in the mornings because Adam stayed in bed late reading and when he did emerge he practised his clarinet for hours.
In the afternoons Ruth had taken him off sightseeing.
Adam had been polite, interested, but not overenthusiastic about anything. As soon as they got back to the flat he would disappear into the bedroom and pick up his book or instrument. Ruth had the distinct impression he was determined not to enjoy himself; that he purposely wanted to detach himself from her life in London. He did not want to be part of it.
In the end Flo said gently, ‘Ruth, take Adam off for a week somewhere he wants to be. When he’s settled in school, come back and start properly.’
Ruth had taken him to Spain. She had an old friend with a villa and pool. With the house in Birmingham sold, she had felt rootless and vulnerable. Adam had been quite happy, but obviously marking time.
He grinned at her now and said, ‘It’s OK, Mum. You know you’re a townie. Just because I want to go to school here doesn’t mean I think you should live in Cornwall. It just seems rather funny the cottage being quite near to the school, that’s all, and…’ He paused. ’I get worried about you having to pay boarding fees. I wish you didn’t.’
Ruth poured out two mugs of tea and handed him one. ‘Well, don’t worry, there’s no need. The house sold well in the end, so all is absolutely fine.’
She heard a note she hated creep into her voice. ‘You’re going to be incredibly busy, darling, but I hope you’ll miss me just a bit. You living here while I live in London is going to feel very strange.’
Adam crammed toast and Marmite into his mouth, and muttered something she couldn’t hear. When he had swallowed he said, ‘Of course I’ll miss you, Mum. It will be, like, strange for you at first until you get used to it, but I could tell you like being there with Flo and Danielle. You wanted that job really badly and you love London and that, so it will be all right. Don’t worry about me. I can…’ He stopped himself and got up from his chair. ‘I’m just going outside to get a signal. I think I’ll ring Harry. Can we go to St Ives tomorrow when we’ve done the rest of my uniform?’
‘I don’t know how long that will take, but yes, when we’re done.’
Adam automatically picked up his binoculars and slung them round his neck. He shut the door behind him and turned left towards the lake. He felt guilty. The days, since their holiday with Peter, had hung heavy and anticlimactic. He wasn’t sure why, but he did not want to have anything to do with his mother’s London life. Even down here in the cottage he felt restless. He wanted to get on with his own life. He wanted Ruth to go and start her new life, to be happy. He was afraid of hurting her. He had only just stopped himself saying I can go to Jenny’s.
He sat on a bench by the lake and dug his phone out of his pocket, but he dialled Jenny’s number, not Harry’s.
Jenny answered, breathless. ‘Adam! How lovely.’
Adam laughed, relaxing. ‘Have you been running?’
‘I was in the garden. It was extraordinary. I saw something out of the corner of my eye and it was this huge fox just watching me a few feet away. He didn’t run away, just stood there looking at me. We were eyeballing each other.’
‘Oh, wicked! Maybe the old lady fed him or something, like she fed the birds to bursting.’
Jenny laughed. ‘Tell me how you got on today.’
‘OK. The music teacher’s ace. I met the headmaster again and my housemaster and stuff. We’ve got some of my uniform from the school shop. We’ve just got to get my blazer and socks and name-tags and things tomorrow.’
‘Tell Ruth that Bea and I will willingly help her sew in your name-tags if she runs out of time. Are you coming over tomorrow?’
‘Yeah, I hope so, after we’ve got the rest of my things.
Thanks, sewing isn’t Mum’s thing. I think she might get stressed out. We’ve got my trunk to put everything in…Jenny?’
‘Yes?’
‘You know your brother went to Truro School. Did he board or did he come home every night, like Harry?’
‘Ben was a weekly boarder. He came home every weekend. Dad knew he would have been out with his friends or surfing every night if he’d been a day boy.’ Her voice softened. ‘He was a bit of a naughty boy, Adam, but he was very charming so he got away with murder. How do you feel about boarding? I’m sure it’ll be fun.’
‘Did your brother find it fun?’
‘No, I’m afraid he hated being cooped up or confined anywhere, but he wasn’t academic. You’ll be fine.’
‘You don’t have to be academic not to want to sleep with a lot of smelly boys. I think I’m too old for it.’
Jenny laughed again and he added seriously, ‘I wish Mum lived in St Ives and I could come home every night with Harry.’
Come home. Jenny caught the desperate note in his voice. She paused, then she said softly, ‘Adam, you could come home every night with Harry.’
Adam shivered with hope but dared not speak.
‘Have you told Ruth how you feel about boarding?’
‘Mum knows I’m not keen, but it was me that, like, started all this. I wanted to come to Cornwall to school. She’s paying a lot of money for me to board, how can I say anything?’
Jenny was silent. Then she said, ‘How would you feel about living with me and travelling in to school every day with Harry? It might be a great deal more boring than living with boys of your own age…’
‘No, it wouldn’t. It wouldn’t, Jenny. Really it wouldn’t. Could I? I mean, do you mean it? I mean, is it possible?’
‘Slow down. Slow down. I do mean it and it is possible. But only if Ruth agrees to it. Do you want me to ask her tomorrow?’
‘Yes. Yes, please.’
‘How do you think she’ll feel?’
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘Maybe if she knows I really feel freaky about being cooped up with other people…I didn’t expect to feel like that but when I saw the smallness of the rooms. I just, like, came out in a terrible sweat.’
‘I think you had a little panic attack. You’re going to have to be honest with Ruth, Adam, and tell her how you feel.’
‘What, before you talk to her?’
Jenny thought for a moment. ‘You might have to play it by ear. I’ll think about how I might suggest it. I don’t want to hurt her. She’s going to miss you enormously and the thought of you living with me might be worse for her than if you were in school with a lot of boys.’
‘Yeah, I know, but she’s going to be living in your house and you could feel weird about that couldn’t you?’
‘Truthfully, I think I do, sometimes. Go back to your mum now and have a nice evening. I’ll see you tomorrow and don’t worry, we’ll try and sort something out.’
‘I want to live with you in your house more than anything, Jenny. I wouldn’t be a nuisance, I could help you with things and…’
‘Adam,’ Jenny said gently, ‘whether you live with me or not, you are now part of my life and we will talk about your father. I have so many things to tell you. We have plenty of time now you’re in Cornwall, all the time in the world. Goodnight, darling boy.’
Goodnight, darling boy. Adam ran back down the path
jumping the puddles, choked with happiness. All the time in the world to talk about your father.
Ruth woke in the night and heard Adam moving around. She lay for a moment, reluctant to get out of her warm bed. The cottage was cold, autumn was edging in fast and she wanted to be back in London. The job was going to be challenging and as she listened to Adam restlessly awake her spirits plummeted. Was this all going to go suddenly catastrophically wrong?
She got out of bed, pulled on her dressing gown and went into his room. Adam was sitting in the window seat wrapped up in an old faded eiderdown that had lain on the bed all her childhood.
‘What is it, Adam?’ she asked.
The light from the landing streamed into his room but Adam kept his face turned towards the window. ‘I’m sorry, Mum.’
‘What are you sorry for?’ Ruth went nearer and sat on the end of his bed.
Adam made himself turn to look at her. ‘I know I hurt you not wanting to be with you in London, wanting to come to school here.’
‘What’s brought all this on? Of course I’d prefer to have you in London with me, we’ve always been together, but darling, I understand about city schools and I understand the lure of Cornwall for you.’
Adam looked at her and wondered what she meant by this. Did she just mean what she said or was she thinking of Jenny?
‘Come on, Adam. Tell me what’s worrying you. It’s perfectly normal to have last-minute nerves about going away to school. It would be more abnormal if you didn’t.’ Adam looked out of the window again without answering. ‘I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.’ Please God, she thought. Don’t let Adam say he has changed his mind and wants to be a day boy in London after all. I can’t cope. I really can’t. I’ve got to get a grip on this job from the start. I can’t go through the school thing all over again. Flo and Danielle have bent over backwards to accommodate me.
Adam took a shaky breath and turned to face her. ‘I don’t want to board. I don’t want to share a room with other boys. I want to leave school at the end of the day like Harry. I’ll work like I’ve never worked before. I promise I won’t disappoint you. I want…please, I want to live with Jenny in the term-time.’
Ruth stared at him. She felt the skin on her face tighten in shock as the blood drained from it. No. Oh, no. This isn’t fair. This is too much. This is too bloody much. She had always known, deep in her heart, the impossibility of travelling down to Cornwall every weekend. She was not going to be working regular hours; she would literally be living with her work. Danielle and Flo had been generous with their financial incentives but they expected a lot of hours from her. She had acceded to everything Adam wanted, knowing that Jenny would have easier access to him, and now…She had made herself imagine Adam and Jenny getting together to talk about Tom and she had tried to rationalise her feeling of panic that she might lose Adam to the lure of the past, to the life Jenny had led, and to the comfort of Bea and James and that wonderful house by the sea. Now he wanted to live with and go home every night to Jenny. Not her, Jenny.
‘Mum…’ Adam leant towards her. ‘Mum, please, please don’t look like that.’
Ruth focused on his face. Tears welled up in his eyes. He looked wretched, but she could not speak.
‘I really love you, Mum. I do. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It isn’t that I don’t want to be with you, it isn’t. I just don’t want to be in London.’
But Ruth knew it wasn’t true. Adam didn’t want to be with her at this particular moment in his life. He wanted to be with Jenny because of Tom. My God, if she had known that sleeping with the youthful Tom under a load of coats would bring this pain fourteen years later she would have run out of the house howling.
‘Mum? Are you all right?’
‘You’re asking too much of me, Adam. You’re asking me not to mind you going home each night to someone else. It’s just too bloody hard. It’s like a slap in the face.’
Hot, fat tears rolled down Adam’s cheek. ‘I know. I know it is. I’m just desperate. I feel stupid about freaking out at the thought of boarding with a load of strangers. I just never thought about that. I’m so used to being on my own.’
Ruth wanted to ask, Are you sure all this angst isn’t because you just want to live with Jenny? But she daren’t.
‘What makes you think Jenny would have you, Adam?’ Ruth asked pointlessly. ‘I thought she wanted to live on her own; that’s why she moved into the cottage.’
Adam didn’t answer.
Ruth got up from his bed and moved to the door. ‘I’m tired and I’m cold. We’ll talk about this in the morning, Adam. Go back to bed.’
‘Are you angry with me, Mum?’
Behind Adam the sky was already lightening, edging towards a new day. ‘No,’ Ruth said. ‘I’m not angry with you. Get some sleep. We’ll work something out.’
As she shut his bedroom door she heard him say, ‘I didn’t want to hurt you.’ Well, he had. Ruth went downstairs and switched on the kettle. She made tea and sat at the table. The kitchen with its ancient Aga was the warmest room in the house. She thought of her godmother who used to sit here at all hours, sleepless, in an old candlewick dressing gown with her mass of hair plaited like a German Frau. Anger simmered, saving her from tears. She felt duped, tricked. By Jenny? Could Jenny be capable of this duplicity? Of course not. It was Adam who was having a crisis of confidence. This was nothing to do with Jenny. ‘What do I do?’ she asked the empty room.
Her godmother’s presence filled the kitchen.
It’s time to let Adam go. He’s not a little boy any longer; he doesn’t need you in the same way. This space between you would have opened up even if you were living together. He would start to grow away from you. It’s what happens, Ruth. Let him get Tom out of his system and Jenny too. Leave them to it. You’ve done all you can. Go back to London and seize with both hands this rare chance to be fulfilled. Think of it positively. If Adam is in a dormitory full of boys, you would inevitably worry about him. With Jenny you will know he is well looked after and content. It releases you. Try to think of it like that. You were determined to take the job in London. None of us can have everything we want in life. You chose your life. Adam is choosing his. Accept it. Move on. You will only lose Adam if he thinks you want to come between him and knowledge of Tom. Play the long game and revel in the freedom to think only of yourself for the first time in thirteen years. You have the chance of a new life and happiness. Take it, Ruth, and don’t look back. Take it.
Ruth smiled. How strongly Sarah’s sane voice came down the years. She closed her eyes and the kitchen was full of the smell of baking and Sarah grumbling: ‘I don’t understand it. Ruddy cake’s gone down in the middle. I did everything they said. Let’s make lumpy icing sugar and throw little silver balls in, then we can hide the hole. We will be the only ones to know it’s not a perfect cake.’
Ruth got up and leant against the Aga. Make it work, Ruth, Peter had said. She switched off the kitchen light and went up the stairs. She bloody well would make it work. She had no choice but to leave Adam to the life he wanted for a while and she must not look back.
PART TWO
FIFTY-ONE
Adam stood stamping his feet in the cold damp morning waiting for the little one-track train to pick him up. As he waited he lifted his binoculars and looked across the Saltings. Redshanks bustled in little groups. Large flocks of knots stood on their short legs on the smooth unmarked mud, all facing one way like little old men playing bowls.
Adam felt like laughing out loud sometimes. How many boys get to wait for trains in the middle of an RSPB Reserve? He heard the train coming and glanced back to the small copse and the house that lay behind it. Jenny would still be sitting at the table hugging her coffee. He sighed. It was great having someone in the house when you left for school and still there when you got back. It made him feel warm in the pit of his stomach every single day.
Jenny had asked Danielle to send down some of her family photographs. She and
Adam were going to sort them out for a collage on the dark wall between the bathroom and kitchen. Each day as they talked together he learnt a little more of Jenny’s life in the London house with his father. He found it peculiar thinking of his mother living in Jenny’s house and leading the sort of life Jenny had once led.
He wished he had explored the house where Tom and Jenny had lived when he had stayed there with Ruth. He wished he had looked into all the rooms. He wished he had sat in Tom’s leather armchair and studied the shelves where he kept his CDs and books, but he had been too busy freaking out. His overwhelming emotion during his time there had been his abject fear of Ruth changing her mind; making him live in a London she appeared to be hard-selling to him in their frenetic afternoons sightseeing.
The train chugged noisily in and Adam got on. Harry nodded his head and grunted as Adam sat beside him. Harry did not do mornings. He did not like to wake up or talk before they reached Redruth. It suited Adam; it gave him thinking time or extra time to check his homework.
He had expected his life to be difficult for the first few weeks of the new term, but it hadn’t been at all. There was no misery, no taunts from other boys. The workload and catching up made him anxious, but he found when he asked a master for help he got it. No teacher here felt threatened by oversized bullies. No member of staff lost control of a class and few boys were disruptive.
The children came from all backgrounds and countries, and were competitive. The classes were structured and the emphasis was on academic achievement. There were the clever dicks who played for laughs or argued a point to death with a teacher, but Adam was never going to be mocked for being articulate or curious. The classes were so different from his school in Birmingham that it seemed to him that he was on another planet.
Until he had started to live with Jenny, Adam had not fully realised how the Birmingham school had affected his life. Casual cruelty had been relentless and dominated his days. Worst of all had been hiding it from Ruth. Peter had suspected and had tried to make it easier for him, but after he left it had been unbearable.
Come Away With Me Page 22
