Kath nods.
‘Mum played along at first. I’d invite him to tea. She’d make an extra meal. I think she was glad to see me happy. I made him up after watching a programme about children who didn’t go to school and whose parents let them do what they wanted. He was a free spirit and just what I needed.’
Another grown-up had pretended as well. Tim, the rough sleeper. Years later, Mum told me that he’d seen all sorts of mental health problems on the streets and didn’t find it difficult to play along.
‘How did it all end?’
‘With Flint’s help, I almost ran away. The police got called. Mum decided enough was enough and took me to a psychiatrist who specialised in treating children with imaginary friends.’
Kath nods again.
‘I hated it. The psychiatrist was okay at first. He said pretend friends weren’t unusual for someone of my age. But because Flint had encouraged me to stand up for myself in a way that was sometimes unpredictable and dangerous, I suppose, he agreed with Mum that more should be done to get rid of him. I was so angry. I didn’t want to let go. I know it sounds mad, but I still miss him, you know?’
‘We should never underestimate the power of the mind. It can convince us of almost anything.’
‘Mum and the psychiatrist said I was taking refuge in the friendship with Flint and that this was holding me back socially. And looking back, that was true. But he helped me deal with my grief. I was only seven. I didn’t know how to deal with losing my uncle. It felt as if Mum and the doctor had killed Flint.’
‘I remember an article written a few years after 9/11. Several children who were related to those who died in the towers suffered with mental health problems. You haven’t been alone in this.’
‘School eventually got better. In juniors, I was put in a different class. I was less conspicuous in high school and I formed a small group of friends and learned to like myself. University consolidated this with laid-back friends who liked me for me and not what I wore or how much I drank. Then Lenny. But when he left, I wanted Flint back. I know it sounds childish, but he’d been the one constant all those years ago, when I also suffered an upheaval. Bella became the next best thing.’
We talk for more than an hour. Kath tells me about her work in the unit. How the people she helped care for felt more invincible the thinner they became. As if they didn’t need anyone else. As if they were the best version of themselves. That if they were the slimmest in the room at least no one could beat them at that. All of this meant they could never be hurt again.
It’s as if I’m listening to Bella.
‘But then they crossed a line,’ Kath says, ‘and started to feel powerless.’
Farah pops her head around to ask if we’d like a sandwich. Kath leaves to help her in the kitchen. I get dressed and say I’ll be down in a minute.
I look down at my wrist and see the friendship bracelet. I take it off. I kiss it hard and slip it into my handbag and know exactly where I’ll put it. In the cardboard box under my bed that has the silver book pendant from Uncle Kevin and the two conkers from the prickly case Flint helped me open that first time in Applegrove Wood.
Bella’s been such a support, but she was supposed to make me an even stronger, independent woman. Whereas looking back, in the last few months, it’s as if it’s been mostly about men.
I head down for lunch. Everyone looks pleased when I manage a sandwich and a half a packet of crisps.
Irfan drops me and Kath back home. She says she’ll call around tomorrow. I can’t hug them both tight enough.
I let myself into the flat. Flossie is waiting, but seems okay, even though she is alone. I sit down on the sofa and she jumps onto my lap. Uncle Kevin’s cuckoo clock chimes and reminds me of something he said a long time ago, in a park.
‘You can identify a true friend by one thing: a true friend accepts you for who you are.’
I glance down at Flossie whose paws massage my concave stomach. I think about acceptance. I was always good enough for Kath, Pauline and Nora, for Irfan and Farah, for Felicity, for Hugo before his wolf whistles, for Casey on the bus with my jumper inside out. And, as it turns out, in a way, even for Lenny.
But Bella. I swallow and glance towards the spare room.
A realisation hits me.
She was the one for whom I was never good enough.
Author’s Note
Dear Readers,
Thank you so much for buying this book. You are the reason I collapse into my chair every morning, after my bicycle ride, and turn on the computer. It’s an exciting time for me at the moment in my career, moving from lighter to darker women’s fiction. It means everything to know my stories are finding their way into the hands of old and new readers.
When I was younger I had a friend like Bella. Sometimes she still gets in touch and tries to influence the life I have now. So this story comes from a very personal place. If you’ve enjoyed it an Amazon review would be fantastic, without revealing Bella’s secret. Those reviews really help books become more visible and I appreciate feedback so much.
I hope none of you have friends similar to Bella but if you do, please, don’t be afraid to tell someone about them.
Take care.
Samantha
Acknowledgements
Knowing You is a story close to my heart. It’s about finding your tribe that doesn’t care what you look like or what clothes you wear. For them it’s the in-side that matters, not the out. So it’s only right that first and foremost I thank the three people who accept me completely for who I am. Martin, Immy and Jay I love you so much. Thank you for your unwavering and continued support.
I’d like to thank my exceptionally talented agent Clare Wallace, from the Darley Anderson Literary Agency. I’ve gone through a tough couple of years, on the personal front, and she’s been there, helping me take my career in a different direction and face new challenges. She’s a steady rudder on an impetuous boat that sometimes considers heading way off course!
Thanks to my brilliant publisher, Canelo, and the team who’ve worked so hard to give this story the very best chance – Michael Bhaskar, Kit Nevile and Ellie Pilcher.
Bloggers, especially Rachel Gilbey, thanks for all the support. I hope you’ve enjoyed this novel, set in the publishing world. As Violet might say, you are all superstars. I never stop appreciating how generously you give your time to this industry.
And lastly but certainly not least, I’d like to thank Helen Bardsley for helping me keep myself safe from friends like Bella.
First published in the United Kingdom in 2019 by Canelo
Canelo Digital Publishing Limited
57 Shepherds Lane
Beaconsfield, Bucks HP9 2DU
United Kingdom
Copyright © Samantha Tonge, 2019
The moral right of Samantha Tonge to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN 9781788632218
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places and events are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
Look for more great books at www.canelo.co
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