Barely Breathing (Keep Breathing Book 1)

by Erica Marselas

  “That’s not what you used to say to me.” He winks and snatches the Sprite out of my hand. “Listen, he won’t even know I’m here. I mean, he hasn’t yet, and it’s been two weeks already. Plus, aren’t you the CEO now?” His voice drips in disgust at my title.

  “You don’t know what kind of trouble you’re asking for Jax.”

  “Aww, you called me Jax. Nice to know you aren’t so formal in the office. But if you’ll excuse me, I have some work to do. Want to impress my boss and all. So, later, princess.” He mockingly salutes me and spins on his heel.

  I watch as he descends down the hallway to the elevators. I'm stewing on the inside, wanting to know why I didn't know a thing about this. My head of IT is about to get an earful. But first, I have to pick up the pieces of my dignity that I’ve let get trampled by a tattooed stud.

  I spend a good hour reaming Sam Franklin, my head of IT, my closest friend, my go-to, wanting to know how Jaxson Holden got into my building. I’m furious with her that she didn’t check on who she was hiring. That if my father was here that everything that we’ve been working on would be tossed down the drain. Then she finally looks at me, once I’ve cooled, lost, having no idea what I’m talking about. Come to find out, the bastard was hiding his true identity, going by his mother’s maiden name while working with Liam Morgan, another fellow CEO, who has just taken over his dad’s company along with his twin brother. So, here I am now with Jaxson “Stevens” in my building, and I have to decide his fate.

  I could fire him, but I’m having a hard time pulling the trigger on that one.

  I’ve done enough already to fuck with the man.

  Like break his heart along with mine.

  He might be the son of my dad’s enemy, but he isn’t mine.

  We have a history. A bumpy one but a history. We used to not be able to stand each other, then one day, I found myself hopelessly in love with him, then the next, I was ripping our hearts out with my bare hands.

  No matter how much I try to push everything I know of him away, so it can stop hurting, it doesn’t work. Feeling his hands on me today, even if it was his hand around my neck, and it wasn’t meant to be sexual, warmed my whole body with delicious tingles. I saw our whole history together; every kiss, every embrace, and every last heartache.

  “Why does it look like someone killed your dog?” Luna, my secretary, asks stepping into my office. She so happens to be my other best friend. Besides Sam, she’s the only one who knows anything about what is happening with my father and Harry. The only one who would understand why I feel like my whole world is about to implode.

  “Someone might as well have.” I signal for her to close the door. She does, pushing her blonde hair behind her ear, and moves in to sit beside me.

  “What happened?” she asks and touches my arm.

  “Jaxson is back,” I admit with a whisper. I still feel like there’s always someone listening or watching me and my father’s men or even he himself will jump out of the walls.

  “The one who got away, Jaxson?” she whispers back, her eyes drifting around the room. She gets my vibes.

  “He didn’t get away. I sent him away. Far away. Yet he’s here, working. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Fire him,” she snaps as if the answer is so simple. And it would be if it were anybody but Jaxson. “Before your dad and Harry kill him.”

  “Harry has no idea who he is, remember.” Thank god. That is one thing from my past I don’t want to have to share with my future.

  My father never divulged my history with Jaxson because he wanted me to look pure and "clean." Not messing around with who he considered trash and a thug. If my father wanted to keep it a secret, I’ve been more than happy to also keep it from Harry. I need everything about Jaxson to be buried.

  It's too bad it appears he's back from the dead.

  “Still, your dad does and that’s enough. Riv, he needs to go.”

  “I know, but I don’t think he’s going to. Even if I get him manhandled out of this building, he’ll come back. Plus, he’s already seen things. Valuable things."

  Since Sam had him working on our “special” project, Jaxson has enough to blackmail me and screw me over if he wants to, and considering how I hurt him, I wouldn’t put it past him.

  Why else would he be here anyway but to get revenge on me and my father?

  “Shit. But maybe not everything?”

  “No, not everything. But enough to keep stuff over my head.”

  “Why did Sam hire him? I thought she knew the deal with him?”

  “The bastard used his mother's maiden name, so Sam didn’t catch it till I laid into her. Jaxson is one of the best Security Analysts according to her, and he also came highly recommended by Liam Morgan of Morgan Securities."

  “Oh, so the hot bastard is also a smarty pants. You did have it all.” Her eyes light up, and I resist throwing something at her.

  She has no idea how much I had before.

  “You’re not helping.”

  “Well, your dad is away for at least another month or so. That’s a plus.”

  “That it is.”

  Since my father was forced out, he’s taken a bit of an extended honeymoon with his new trophy wife, who happens to be younger than me. He figured he could enjoy some of his riches while he waits to collect more. In the meantime, he’s left Harry to fill his spot to do some of his dirty work.

  “If Harry doesn’t know who he is…maybe it will be okay.” Luna shrugs, trying to make this situation appear as if the glass is half full. “There’s only six months till the wedding, and then you know…” She drifts off, and I groan.

  I’m not ready for this wedding. I’m not ready for anything now that Jaxson is back. It could ruin everything.

  “Maybe you can tell him what happened?”

  “No. It’s too risky, and Jaxson is the kind of man that would retaliate. I would rather him hate me. I need him to hate me. For his sake and mine.”

  CHAPTER TWO

  RIVER

  I’ve spent the last two hours trying to figure out what I’m going to do with Jaxson. I never ate because my stomach has been in knots, and now I’m starving as I sit in this staff meeting. I’m sure the staff can hear my stomach singing like a whale as Harry drones on.

  I only wish I didn’t have to be here. I don't do anything but sit in the corner and look pretty, tapping my feet and pretending to listen. Harry insists on giving these meetings because he wants all the practice for when he takes over. It’s not like it matters to me.

  I have bigger things to worry about.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Jaxson slip into the conference room. I bite my tongue and close my eyes to keep myself from telling him to get out.

  He has no business being in here, but I can’t draw attention to his presence.

  Our eyes meet, and he gives me a smirk as he falls into a chair in the back corner. Harry is still going on about improving profits for the next quarter, and my eyes remain on Jaxson’s.

  We're in a staring contest, but I’m finding it hard to maintain contact as his expression is nothing but disdain and repulsion, which intensifies the longer we look at one another. Even though it’s what I want, his distaste for me causes bile to rise into my throat with each passing second know I caused it. I miss the sweet shine in his eyes that used to look back at me.

  The look he’s giving me now takes me back to another time when we originally couldn’t stand each other before his disgusted looks changed to admiration and our relationship started.

  Four and a half years ago….

  The buzzing sound echoes around the room as I make my way through the tattoo parlor. I’m finally doing it. Living for me. Doing something my father will hate and I will love. I'm getting a tattoo to honor my mother. She passed away two years ago, no longer able to fight her demons. I miss her every day, but I don't blame her for leaving.

  Especially after all the years she had to live with my father. Before
she went, she left me a note under my pillow, telling me to keep fighting through what she couldn't…and fight for those I love. There was a quote along with what she wrote, and it’s what I'm having tattooed on me.

  "The River is long, and your story is only at the beginning. Just keep breathing. And you will make it through.” I read those words every day, trying to hear her voice and picture her face. As the days go on, I find it harder to remember, and it’s why I want it inked on me. So I have it with me—always.

  Around the words, I’m going to have a dandelion with its seed pods blowing out into the wind; to represent my story that keeps going and growing no matter how many times someone tries to destroy it because the dandelion will always grow back somewhere else.

  “Wow, you're the last person I ever thought I’d see here. What will your dad say?" Jaxson fake gasps in surprise as he steps in front of me. His hazel eyes look at me in disdain, like all the Holdens do now.

  Like it's my fault what happened.

  My father put his father out to the pasture, for lack of a better term, three years ago. They lost their house and the ability to find jobs because their name was blacklisted. They were left with barely the shirts on their backs.

  Before that, the two men used to be best friends, and the Holdens were regulars around my house. Jaxson and I never saw eye to eye though. He's two years older than me and has called me a pest or a princess since we were little. I always went out of my way to avoid him and hung out more with his little sister, Scarlet.

  I miss that girl.

  I was banned from going anywhere near the Holdens, not like they want anything to do with me. My father loves to put them down any chance he gets, including Jaxson. He thinks he's a no-good punk because ever since he turned eighteen, he's been covering himself in tattoos. I find them hot, but I'll never admit it out loud.

  “It’s none of my father’s concern. Now, if you don’t mind.” I turn my back to him and look at the walls filled with colored designs. He doesn’t get the hint that I don’t want to talk to him, and he stands behind me, breathing down my back.

  Why can’t he leave me alone? I didn’t come here to drudge up some old family drama. I just want a tattoo that will maybe bring me some damn peace and closer to my mom.

  "So, what are you getting? A unicorn?" Jaxson laughs, mocking me, and puts his hand on my shoulder. "Butterflies?"

  "Fuck off,” I hiss and shove him off me.

  “Oh, the princess has a little bite to her bark. I like it.”

  “Will you leave me alone. I came here in peace, not to be harassed.”

  He puts his hands up in front of his chest, defensively. “You’re right. Sorry. Actually, I’ll be the one inking you tonight.”

  “Oh, hell no,” I yell, causing the buzzing sound to cease and all the heads in the room to turn to us. My face flushes, but Jaxson chuckles, clearly not embarrassed by my outburst. He waves his hand to the onlookers, dismissing them, telling them I'm fine.

  “Why not?” he asks, once everyone in the room goes back to what they’re doing. “I’ve been told I’m pretty good.”

  “How can I trust you?”

  He takes my hand into his, and I can’t help but admire how good his inked hand looks wrapped around my pale one. How is this person that I can’t stand suddenly bringing a surge of energy to my veins? Filling my lungs with air, making me feel light, as if I’m walking on the clouds.

  “Sit down,” he demands as he pulls me in front of the leather chair.

  “That doesn't answer how I can trust you. How do I know you won’t write Bitch or Regerts on me?”

  He cracks a smile and pushes me down by my shoulders into the seat. “Because no matter how I feel, I take this seriously. And I don’t want you leaving me crap reviews on Yelp. Now, what am I making you?”

  “I can’t believe I’m considering this.”

  “You want this done or not?”

  “I do. I just don't get how it’s my luck that you’re the one doing this.” I sigh and pull the paper of the tattoo I had made up out of my back pocket. I hand it to him and look away as he reads it. “You any good at calligraphy?”

  “Yeah, I can draw you up something first, and you can tell me if it’s what you want?” he offers, and I nod. He comes back with some ink pens and a sketchbook and starts to write the words with this beautiful, fluid script; I’m amazed at his talent.

  “You’re really good at this.”

  “Thanks. It’s just a hobby though. Extra cash. It’s hard to get a job in my field with my last name.” I don’t reply. I’m not sure what to say. I know he thinks I walk around with a tiara, but I don’t have much money to my name myself. My dad has managed to embezzle about every last dime my mother had left for me, and I'm sure he'll do the same with any other money that is ever left for me from here on out. If I want any cash, I have to earn it or beg my dad for it, which I’d rather not do.

  "So, what's the meaning behind this?” he asks, glancing up at me after he finishes writing the g on beginning.

  "Do you really care?"

  "Try me." Jax smiles, pushing back his messy hair. There’s something about the way he’s looking at me that makes me want to open up to him. It must be all the titanium dioxide in the air.

  "My mom." It's all I have to say. He knows how she died. Everyone does. My dad went out of his way to tell the world how she passed and share her last words as a final way to embarrass and shame her.

  If I could hate him more, I did that day.

  "Oh." He's silent for a second, and I can't believe I rendered him speechless. "I like it."

  "Thanks."

  We sit in silence as Jaxson makes the most important part of my tattoo, the semicolon, which will be used in place of the J in Just. It's a symbol and a reminder to tell me that my story isn't over and to keep fighting…and that I can keep fighting for her, even though she's gone. "Why do you think she did it?"

  "Honestly, I think she was tired of fighting. People think our family, our lives, look all peachy and happy on the outside, but it's not. My dad is a monster. We’ve been trained to act as if everything looks perfect, and my mom couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t blame her; I can’t, and...” I shake my head, trying not to cry. Especially in front of Jaxson. He might be inking my skin, but I won’t let him see this part of me. The parts that are twisted and dismantled. “I hate what my dad did to your dad.” I change the subject before I give away my deepest secrets. “My mom tried to stop him.” It’s what drove her to the edge because she couldn’t put an end to it, no matter how hard she tried. “Listen, I know you think I'm some princess, but I'm not. Trust me."

  "I don't think that.” Jaxson layers his hand with mine.

  "Good, then stop calling me that. I hate it. A lot.”

  The name makes me twitchy. To me, it’s the ultimate insult. It was never an endearment the way my dad said it. It was his way of calling me a bitch without having to say the word.

  “Noted.”

  "Thanks."

  “If it’s any consolation. I don't hate you. Your dad always hated me, and well, I wanted nothing to do with any of you. I also liked ruffling your feathers any chance I could. It kept things interesting.” He chuckles, and in doing so it highlights the depth of the dimples in his cheeks. Until now, I’d never paid close attention to the special features on his face, or how attractive they are on him.

  I could get used to Jaxson smiling around me all the time.

  “Can't blame you.”

  “But, hey, you can’t be so bad in my book if you let me ink your skin. Even after everything.”

  “You didn’t leave me much choice.”

  That day changed everything between us. We spent two hours talking as he scarred my skin permanently, all while also scarring my heart. We started out as friends, then after a month of that, I found myself in the back of his vintage Pontiac GTO convertible with my legs wrapped around his back as he pounded into me, and we took our relationship to another leve
l.

  I really loved that car.

  Jaxson winks at me as though he can read my X-rated memory. I pick up the pile of papers in front of me to hide my face.

  “Ms. Graham, is there anything else you wanted to add?” Harry’s voice brings me out of my daydream.

  “Oh, no. I’m good. Thank you all. We can pick up next Monday.”

  Slowly everyone makes their way out of the conference room. My eyes follow Jaxson as he slips around the corner. Through the glass walls, I watch him as he watches me while he makes himself a cup of coffee.

  "I leave in an hour. Did you get everything I asked for packed for me?" Harry plops himself on the corner of the table, making me draw my attention away from the tattooed man in a suit.

  "Yes. It's in your office."

  "Good. As you know, I’ll be back Friday in time for the Gala. Dress nice. I want you to look good on my arm." He rubs his thumb along my cheek, condescendingly, pretending to make us look like a happy couple. All while I resist wanting to shove him off the desk onto the floor.

  This nauseating play is almost over. I hope. The one I’m living in only to protect the one staring lasers at me from across the way.

  He just can't ever know it.

  "River!" Harry barks, snapping his fingers in front of my face. "Quit fucking daydreaming."

  "Sorry. I was planning for my next meeting," I lie smoothly and try to give him a winning smile.

  "Right. Anyway, I'll see you Friday." He places a kiss on my cheek which makes my whole body freeze up. I hate his lips touching me.

  I hate him.

  The thing is, Harry hates me too, but he puts on a good show around an audience. He only wants the company, the arm candy, and to make my daddy happy.

  I stand to gather my papers off the table and into my leather briefcase that used to belong to my grandpa. I throw the strap over my shoulder and head for the door when Jaxson steps in front of me.

  “So, that’s the douche you’re going to marry?”