Barely Breathing (Keep Breathing Book 1)

by Erica Marselas

  "Yeah, fuck if she’s going anywhere near that bastard in a white dress, but she isn't running away anymore either."

  Sam tilts her head. "Have you talked to her about that?”

  I shrug, not giving her an answer.

  We haven’t talked about it, but I’m not losing her again. Especially for her to jump on a plane to run away from her problems. She has me now. We can face this shit together this time. She just needs to let me in because fuck if escaping is going to fix us.

  “I think it's her best bet,” Sam continues. “She’s going to make a lot of people angry. People in this very office. Jeff isn’t working all alone in this. Who knows how long before the FBI figures out who they all are? The girl doesn’t need that."

  "She's not leaving," I state firmly.

  “That's between you two. I’m just telling you what I know.”

  “It’s not like she can just leave anyway. She should know that. Especially now if you have the FBI creeping around.”

  “That’s another reason I didn’t want her to know. She was going to dump the information and run originally. At least that was always her hope. I worked something out with my friend at the FBI for her. Because, honestly, the girl needs a new start.”

  I’m her new start. We’re getting a new start.

  “The FBI is going to let her go after they question her and all that. As long as she comes back and testifies when needed. But because she’s helping with turning over evidence, they’re making that deal, well, with me. It seemed fair putting an end to this huge thing. It’s just we have to stop him first. Unfortunately, Dolson Investments will crumble.”

  “All these jobs.” I forget that River will ultimately put over a thousand people out of a job, innocent people like herself, that have fallen victim to Jeffery Graham, yet she’ll probably be the one to take the blame for the company’s destruction.

  “Yeah. River wanted to try and do something…but she can’t save the world. It’s more important she gets away from her father. The bastard has too many people in his pocket and I’m worried for her safety.”

  “She has me. I’ll protect her from that bastard this time. You don’t need to worry about that.”

  “The thing is I think you need someone to have your back too.”

  I’m packing up my computer for the evening, ready for a fucking beer or six, and to fuck my girl into next week. I haven't been able to push the thought of River leaving when this is over out of my head. It's been hanging silently over my head for weeks and now it's screaming so loudly it’s deafening. Maybe I’m being selfish thinking I’d be enough for her to stay. She has nothing left here besides me, but I still have my family. My little sister.

  If she asked me, could I drop all of them for a woman who deserted me for two years?

  Would she ask?

  She had this entire thing planned out before I even reappeared in her life. She’s already saved up funds, stored away the important items from her life, and she’s ready to leave at the drop of a hat when it’s time. I have nothing. The only claim I have to her is a piece of paper and a gold ring that she can only wear around her neck.

  So how much of a hold do I really have on her?

  My office phone rings, lighting up with Rivers extension just as I throw my bag over my shoulder. "Hey."

  "Hi," she says softly, and the sadness in her voice puts me on high alert.

  "Everything alright?"

  "Yeah. It’s just, um…” She sucks in a deep breath and lets it out. “I'm going to be running late this evening."

  "What’s going on?"

  "Nothing. Nothing. I just have a standing appointment I forgot about."

  "A standing appointment?"

  “Yeah…" She goes quiet except for the sound of her heavy breathing, and I pick up her unease through the phone. "I'll see you later?" The words spill quickly from her lips in an urgency to get me off the line.

  “Why do I feel like your hiding something?"

  "I'm not."

  “Is it with Harry?”

  “No. God no,” she spits out venomously and with the hate streaming out of her voice, there’s no way I can’t believe her.

  "Alright. You still going to want dinner?"

  "Sure.” Her voice perks up, which makes me feel mildly better about the way she’s acting. “Especially if you’re cooking. But, listen, I gotta go. I'll see you soon."

  She hangs up on me, leaving me with a dial tone and a bunch of questions.

  Since Liam is a recovering addict, he no longer drinks to avoid any type of temptation to his old lifestyle. I’m proud of him for how far he’s come in the years, but damn, I could use a beer right about now, Instead, I have him meet me at the gym to burn off some steam.

  It was with Liam that I learned it was better to get my aggression out on the heavy bag than drowned in alcohol. It was watching him fall apart and pick up his pieces that kept me together while my life was in shambles with River.

  “I figured you’d be with the missus,” Liam taunts as he warms up beside me.

  "She's busy," I let out gruffly, shoving my hand into the boxing gloves.

  "Oh, okay.” Liam’s face twists, confused, but I ignore him and lay my aggression into the bag. Left, right, left, right. I picture the bag as Jeff’s face and how fucking different my life could’ve been right now. How I wouldn’t be worried about losing River for a second time. How I wouldn’t be fucking dealing with corruption bullshit again, dealing with fucking bullshit period.

  “What’s up with you? You’re really taking it out on that bag.”

  “Work. River. Shit.” I grunt out each word between each punch.

  “Okay, well I can already guess what’s going on with work. Graham still giving you the hustle?”

  “Yeah, but we’re getting closer. It’s just piling the shit against him.”

  “And River?”

  My gloved hands drop to my side and I catch my breath. “There’s so much I’m not even sure where to start.”

  “I thought you two were happy. In fact, you two were eye fucking each other hard at the car show. I thought with Landon and Maria being in California now I wouldn’t be subjected to it anymore.”

  Liam’s twin brother, Landon and his wife were high school sweethearts and are nauseatingly in love. I only had to put up with them for a month before Landon took over the California branch of Morgan Securities.

  “We’re fine. It’s not that. It’s just Sam was talking about her still leaving when this is all done. I just got her back.”

  “Have you talked to her about it?”

  “Not entirely.”

  The thing is, the more I think about it, I don’t think I could tell her not to go. She’s the girl that used to watch planes fly overhead and dream of running away because staying here was too much of a nightmare. She dreamed of that even when we were together.

  How could I take that away?

  Maybe I’m a pussy for not demanding to go with her like I want, but there’s just that part of me that needs her to ask me to come with her to start her new life. She ran out on me last time, leaving me to question everything when it comes to us. I need to trust that she wants me in this new life she craves at the end of the day when this shit is over.

  I slam my fist into the bag over and over again. The last two years have fucked with my brain. Before she left, I wouldn’t question anything when it came to us. I trust she wouldn’t try to hurt me on purpose, but when it comes to her leaving, I don’t know where she stands. I don’t know if I could deal with losing her if anything were to happen if it was out of her control all over again.

  “Dude, calm down.” Liam grabs the bag to restrain it, and I step back.

  “I hate that when it comes to her, it feels like she’s holding back, and I’m left fucking waiting for something to happen. Like this afternoon, she had this sudden appointment, and she just sounded so upset and fucking secretive. Then she hung up on me. Like, what the fuck is that shit? I had fuc
king flashbacks to years ago. I’m just waiting for something to go wrong. For her father to pull some shit, and her to go with it and leave me hanging again. I swear to god I have fucking PTSD when it comes to that girl.”

  He laughs, and I punch the bag, wanting it to be his face for a second.

  “It’s not fucking funny,” I growl.

  “I know, but it is.” He bites his lip, containing his laughter, but not his cocky ass grin. “For a year and a half, I watched you pretend like you hated her and now it’s like day and night. Kinda insane.” He rolls his eyes. “This is why I avoid the whole love thing. Because if I ever become like this, just kill me.”

  "One-night stands won’t last forever dude."

  “What are you talking about? They last forever. Just sometimes there might be a repeat.”

  “You’re a moron sometimes.” I hit the bag.

  “At least I don’t have women problems like you my friend.”

  “Fuck off.”

  “Okay, I might not know much about this relationship shit. But it’s obvious you're hung up on her leaving. Just talk to her.”

  River isn’t here yet when I walk into my apartment, and I’ve been at the gym for two hours. I gave her a key, wanting her to be able to come and go as she pleases. To have a place to escape if she needs to.

  There’s no message on my phone with an update on where she is, so I figure dinner can wait, and I’ll hop in the shower to rid myself of gym sweat.

  I pull my soaked shirt over my head and throw it to the couch, just as the front door rattles. River walks in, setting her bag at the door, and kicking off her heels.

  “Hey,” she greets, and walks over to me, placing her hands on my shoulders and stands on her toes to kiss my cheek. “You’re salty,” she giggles, licking her lips and then pats my bare chest. “And tacky.”

  “I was at the gym with Liam. I didn’t get a chance to shower yet.”

  “Well, I would’ve joined you. I still can if you want to hop in.”

  I grab ahold of her chin and run my thumb down her flushed cheek. She’s been crying and considering how red her eyes are I would say a good amount. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

  She pushes my hand down and steps back. “Nothing’s wrong.”

  “Nothing?” I scoff and go to grab her face again. Defiantly she glances away from me. “I can tell when you’ve been crying River. What the hell happened at your so-called appointment?” She doesn’t say anything, and I see her eyes water. “River. Why can’t you talk to me? Stop hiding from me?”

  Her eyes drift over to me, but she’s looking through me and not at me. “I was with my therapist.”

  “Your therapist?” I question and wipe the fallen tear from her eye. “I didn’t know you saw anyone. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because honestly…I'm embarrassed. Ashamed…and it's not something I’ve ever told anyone before. If my dad knew he more than likely would have used it against me. And I also…” Her eyes dart to the ground as she twists her hands together. “I didn’t want you to think I couldn’t handle anything. That I wasn’t handling it.”

  My hand drops from her chin and I move it around her waist to pull her closer to me. “I would never think that about you. You know you can tell me anything. That you needed to talk to someone. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

  “I know, but then I guess I don’t. I keep telling myself I'm okay and most of the time I am. But it’s around the time...when Mom died and I haven’t seen Dr. Vern since he actually was my mom’s therapist too. Today, I wasn’t, I don’t know, I just needed to talk to someone who knew, who I didn’t have to explain everything too. I know I can talk to you, but I needed...” She drifts off and bites down on her lip.

  “It’s fine. I get it.” I place a kiss on her forehead. “Keep going.”

  “So I found his number and asked if he had an opening. He was more than willing to squeeze me in at the end of his day. When I called you I was already running late.”

  “That’s why you hung up on me?”

  “Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t mean to have you think I was hiding stuff from you again.”

  My eyes close, and I bury my face in her hair. “I’m sorry I jumped to that right away.”

  “It’s okay.” She places her hands on my bare chest and pushes herself back. “As much as I love having you close right now. You really need to shower.” She pinches her nose and waves her hand in front of her face.

  I chuckle and grab her hand. “Why don’t we grab a shower, and then get some takeout. I have an idea.”

  “You and your ideas can be risky.”

  I chuckle. “True. Last time we ended up married. But I think you’ll like this one.”

  I know just what she needs.

  “You remembered.” She claps her hands together as we pull into a little park outside the airport, just as a Jet Blue airliner comes in for a landing. And there’s that smile on her face, the one I always want to see. The one that can light up the whole airfield. The one I never want to go away.

  “I would never forget. Come on.”

  I help her out of the car and pull out the sandwiches we got from her favorite deli and I lay them out on the roof of my car. She looks at me curiously as I ask for her hand to help her onto the hood.

  “Wait. You’re going to let us sit on the hood of your car? I think I might pass out from shock.”

  “My way of making up for being an ass.”

  “You’re forgiven. Wow, I feel honored.” She takes my hand and I’m about to pick her up to lift her to the hood when I hesitate. I did just have this thing waxed.

  “You don’t have anything pointy or keys on you, do you?”

  “Really?” She frowns and shoves my shoulder. “I take it back. You’re not forgiven.”

  I chuckle, and place her on the hood, honoring her like a trophy. She is my prize, my life, and that’s why she gets the first honor of doing something I haven’t even done yet. “You make this car look even better.”

  Her cheeks flush and she pats the side next to her. “Alright, you’re forgiven again.”

  I plop down next to her and throw my arms around her, and hand to her the roast beef sandwich she ordered with extra mayo.

  “Maybe we should have done this sooner,” I muse as I tear into my turkey club. I don’t know what I was worried about.

  "I always said we had to break in the hood, but you were always too nervous about anyone marking your baby."

  “You know how much of a pain it is to get dents and scratches out?” She rolls her eyes, and I steal a kiss from the side of her mouth. “I’m only sayin’.”

  “I have missed you and your obsession.”

  “You’re my obsession.” I curl one of her loose hairs around my finger and she leans into me, that smile shining on her face.

  “You’re laying it on thick tonight.”

  “I’m only speaking the truth. It explains, too, why I could never get over you. Rid you from my memory. Much like this car, you’re something I’ll never let go of.”

  “So, if you had to pick between me and the car?”

  “You’d win every time, Rivs.”

  “Good answer because if you picked the car, I was about to bury you alive in it.” She giggles. “Though, I have a feeling you’d be okay with it. Eternal life with your baby.”

  “Only if you’re being buried on top of me inside.” I wiggle my eyebrows. “That way I can fuck you in the afterlife or if we came back as zombies.”

  “Okay, okay, I think we’re getting a little grim now.”

  “You started it.”

  She throws a piece of lettuce at me and it lands square on my nose. “You’ll pay for that later, Mrs. Holden,” I growl, wiping the slimy green mess from my face.

  “I’m shaking.” She wiggles her hands in the air sarcastically.

  “Just eat your food.”

  We devour our sandwiches as we watch flights coming in and departing and guess their destinatio
ns. Well, she watches them, and I watch her and how her hair blows in the wind and her eyes light up with each guess and dream.

  I fantasize about what it would have been like in those two years that I have missed with her.

  How untwisted and normal our lives would have been if they were left uninterrupted. If I could have been the one to grab her and take her away to an island of her dreams.

  River rolls up the wrapper to her sandwich and tosses it to the side before wiping her hands together. She scoots in closer to me and brushes her nose to mine. “Thank you for taking me out here. I needed this today.”

  My fingers run through her dark hair, wanting—needing—to touch her. "I should've seen the signs something was going on with you." She grabs my wrist and leans her cheek into my palm.

  "You've been helping more than you know. You've always been my escape. Just today, I was sitting at my desk, looking at her picture, and it hit me hard. I figured, why let it simmer? I knew who to call. The thing is saying it out loud. I can’t handle—handle all this sometimes. Because you’re right, what if this does fail? What if there isn’t enough to put him away for good? What if he talks or buys his way out of everything? He knows people, judges, cops.” She blurts out all her fears, the same ones that have been echoing around in my head. Jeff Graham is a master manipulator, but I feel we’re close.

  “If we’re lucky, he won’t have those means.”

  “Like you say, if we’re lucky. It’s why I want to run away. To just hide forever. To dump and go.”

  “You don't have to. You don’t have to run.”

  “I do,” she whispers and looks away from me.